I need help.

[Jenny85]

Hi everyone,
I'm sorry for the fact that I'm about to spill my feelings out here, but I do not konow where else to turn.

I'm really in the pit and see no way out. I have a deep, horribly painful obsession with smoking cigarettes. It's all I think about. I feel like a junkie, I feel disgusting. I can't concentrate on work, on anything, I even can't think about going on the bus because it means I will have to go a short while without cigarettes. I had these feelings about 2 years ago when I tried to stop smoking and since then I'd managed to control them, with the help of citalopram, and smoke only about 5 a day, and none at weekends. I'd convinced myself that I only smoked Mon-Fri to deal with work stress and actually LOOKED FORWARD to the evenings and weekends when I would have no desire to smoke. Now I can't do that. A few months back I started to feel physical withdrawals from nicotine and panic starting at weekends and I just thought 'please God, no. I don't want to smoke at these times, these are my free, precious times.'

For a few weeks now, I've been smoking loads, maybe 20 a day. I can't sit still without one. My fiance hates me smoking, and I made him so upset when I chain-smoked this weekend. He says there must be another way to control my anxiety, but my anxiety revolves around cigarettes.

We've just moved into a beautiful house, but all I can think about is smoking. I can't eat, or go to my exercise classes. My work is suffering.

Last night I told my fiance I really needed to go out and buy cigarettes because I was having a panic attack. He was so kind, said it was OK. But then he just broke down and said he doesn't know if he's strong enough to live with me like this. We're getting married in October and he said last night that he doesn't know anymore if we should get married. I know he needs support too, but I don't know how to be strong enough for him. I feel terrible for putting him through this.

My GP has said she thinks this is all down to obsessive thinking, that if it wasn't smoking that was bothering me, it would be something else. She's changed my meds from citalopram to sertraline as she says this helps with obsessive thoughts, and referred me to a psychiatrist.

I feel like I need to stop smoking because it rules my life, but I can't face it. I just want the old, non-smoking, happy me back. I don't know how this happened. People have said try hypnosis or read Allen Carr's book, because it makes you think differently about cigarettes, but I don't feel anything would work, and I'd just be back on the fags soon after. I'm doing a PhD and can't face the stress of it without smoking.

I don't expect any answers, but please, please....any words of comfort, any similar experiences. I have nobody else to turn to.

Thanks for reading this.

[dabrucru]

i don t smoke but i bite my fingers (cuticle) till blood comes out, i ve been doin this since i can remember, (i m38 ) many years before anxiety , i never smoked , but i think i know how you feel, you feel releived while doing it and than guilty a short while after you finish. i ve tried everything. the only thing that helps me calm down is meditation, and reading a good book.

i wish i could help you more, but its something you can do, a little will, try and stop gradually maybe?

[BobbyDog]

You don't need to feel guilty for smoking cigarettes, it is your life and you can live it any way you choose.

I think you doctor has done the right thing in referring you to a Psychiatrist, it has obviously become an obsession

Take care:hugs:

[Jenny85]

Hi Dabrucru and Bobbydog,

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Just knowing that someone else is out there means a lot to me. You're right about the obsession, Bobbydog. I can't say that I love smoking or want to do it, but I feel utterly compelled to, like I'll die if I don't have one (or two, or three). I want to work hard at getting better, and I want to support my fiance through this too.

[m.elise]

You're doing the right thing by seeing your dr. about this. I understand how hard it is to overcome obsessive thinking/behavior. But you can do it! And the fact that you want to change is huge. Keep us updated. You're doing great. :)

[theharvestmouse]

You need to replace the obsession of smoking with doing something else. I think you need help to be able to do that though, so maybe the psychiatrist can help you.

[Jenny85]

Thank you for your replies, Elise and Harvestmouse. It makes me feel a little better to realise that this is an irrational compulsion, not just an addiction. Might not get to see the psychiatrist for a while, but when I do I will work so hard to get strong. I hope you're all doing well today. x

[hanshan]

Hi Jen,

What's the PhD about? Where are you at with it? Is there anyone you can talk to about it?

Hanshan

[Beckybooboo]

Hi,

I'm really sorry to hear of the issues you're going through.

I have read your post and would like to be very honest with you on what I have picked up thus far.

As BobbyDog mentioned; there is nothing wrong with smoking cigarettes. You, have attached a negative emotion to smoking cigarettes, thus causing you to face extreme upset when you do smoke them and the craving has become almost like a compulsion due to the stresses you're under by not smoking because of your fiance and also because of your PhD.

There is nothing wrong with you smoking cigarettes. I too, smoke cigarettes and my partner doesn't have an issue with it at all. The reason why you're feeling so compelled and involved with cigarettes is because you're feeding your mind with this negative emotion, thus causing you to experience distress.

As far as I'm concerned, it's okay to smoke. If your partner wishes for you to quit smoking then maybe it'll be something you can discuss. But because of the negativity that has been attached to smoking it'll feed your habit even further, you should be able to gain acceptance through yourself and through others than you're okay smoking and that it's your personal preference.

If you need anything else, let me know.

All the best,
Becky