MikeAmbition
15-07-12, 12:17
Hi everybody,
Call me Mike. I'm a 24 yr old male, 1,5 years ago, after a night of moderate drinking, as I was standing up from the computer to dress up, the sleeve I put on started to feel uncomfortable. That uncomfortable feeling turned into heart palpitations, high blood pressure, fear of death.
I don't want to make you bored, it's a typical panic story. Emergency, etc..
after the attack, depersonalization came. I could not (and can not) recognize myself. I've lost confidence, and lost emotional faith in everything I ever believed, did, loved, wanted, desired, had, tasted, smelled, kicked, fked, ate, etc..
On the outside, people say I'm allright, and I'm myself, but I couldn't feel further from it.
I feel like Robert De Niro in "Analyze This". The slightest - irrational - comment about me (or even if it's not about me, I interpret it as is) makes me anxious, and ruins my day.
If I see an old man who's drinking beer, I start to think "oh what if this is how I'll look like, I don't have a degree, I'll be a nobody, what if I won't make money, oh and I'm getting old, etc..". Totally out-of-place thoughts, but they came automatically.
I can't make my fking mind to stop depressing and scaring me, I feel like I'm crazy.
Where should I look for the answer? I had a terrible childhood, family fights, death, divorced parents, insecurity, moving constantly, but I thought it made me tougher I was even proud of it before my first PA. They say it can cause this.
I did meditation back then, do you think it's possible that meditation somehow "unlocked" these fears from my subconscious mind? I do know how stupid it sounds but I really have no idea.
I was never ever so clueless about ANYTHING in my life. Even when I did something wrong, I was at least confident doing it, but now I can't make a fking decision because the what-if thoughts are chasing me.
I will not ever commint suicide but it's terrible to see the world spin round when I KNOW I am (or were) someone who could achieve a LOT more than I do now.
it is created by me?
am I weak inside just managed to pretend until my panic attack?
is it my fault?
am I crazy?
will I ever be the same guy or is it just a dream now?
do I have a bad conscience?
meditation did this to me?
are these terrible fears should be taken seriously? if not, where's the borderline between false and real fear?
I don't care if the answer is painful. I'm willing to face anything, just to find the solution.
thanks for your time
Call me Mike. I'm a 24 yr old male, 1,5 years ago, after a night of moderate drinking, as I was standing up from the computer to dress up, the sleeve I put on started to feel uncomfortable. That uncomfortable feeling turned into heart palpitations, high blood pressure, fear of death.
I don't want to make you bored, it's a typical panic story. Emergency, etc..
after the attack, depersonalization came. I could not (and can not) recognize myself. I've lost confidence, and lost emotional faith in everything I ever believed, did, loved, wanted, desired, had, tasted, smelled, kicked, fked, ate, etc..
On the outside, people say I'm allright, and I'm myself, but I couldn't feel further from it.
I feel like Robert De Niro in "Analyze This". The slightest - irrational - comment about me (or even if it's not about me, I interpret it as is) makes me anxious, and ruins my day.
If I see an old man who's drinking beer, I start to think "oh what if this is how I'll look like, I don't have a degree, I'll be a nobody, what if I won't make money, oh and I'm getting old, etc..". Totally out-of-place thoughts, but they came automatically.
I can't make my fking mind to stop depressing and scaring me, I feel like I'm crazy.
Where should I look for the answer? I had a terrible childhood, family fights, death, divorced parents, insecurity, moving constantly, but I thought it made me tougher I was even proud of it before my first PA. They say it can cause this.
I did meditation back then, do you think it's possible that meditation somehow "unlocked" these fears from my subconscious mind? I do know how stupid it sounds but I really have no idea.
I was never ever so clueless about ANYTHING in my life. Even when I did something wrong, I was at least confident doing it, but now I can't make a fking decision because the what-if thoughts are chasing me.
I will not ever commint suicide but it's terrible to see the world spin round when I KNOW I am (or were) someone who could achieve a LOT more than I do now.
it is created by me?
am I weak inside just managed to pretend until my panic attack?
is it my fault?
am I crazy?
will I ever be the same guy or is it just a dream now?
do I have a bad conscience?
meditation did this to me?
are these terrible fears should be taken seriously? if not, where's the borderline between false and real fear?
I don't care if the answer is painful. I'm willing to face anything, just to find the solution.
thanks for your time