View Full Version : Feeling useless...
Just got over my first anxiety attack of the day... For years now this illness has ruined my life. I hate myself because of who I am and I wish I was never born. I have lost everything due to being ill and I hate my life because of that. I attempted to kill myself a while back and the only thing that stopped me was my only friend calling a ambulance and sometimes I hate her for it. Over the past year or so things seemed to be getting better but I find myself all of a sudden not wanting to be here anymore.
I'm not planning on doing anything stupid but the thoughts are there. I hate my life and I hate myself even more. I have no friends, no future.. Nothing. I used to stand tall and face life with confidence all I know now is how to run away.
theharvestmouse
16-07-12, 15:41
Sorry to hear that, I don't know what to say other than that I have been there, but you must try to cling on to a positive, anything that can offer hope. People have been to the bottom and worked their way back to have the life they want.
i know how u feel hun i feel the same i have anxiety and hate my life too and myself also i sometimes think to i be better off dead cos my anxiety is driveing me mad just hope some how we can both beat this stupid anxiety :hugs:
I know how you feel matey....I've had a dreadful weekend and today isnt much better. There's not much more I can say only hang in there, I know its hard.
If you ever want a chat feel free to PM me.
Jon :)
It's horrible.. I really can't see any end. I had everything and it all fell apart within a couple of years. I'm so lonely now and it just keeps bringing me down. All I ever wanted was a simple life. The settle down, have a family and stable job kind of life but I feel like that will never happen because of who I am.
Do you take any meds or have any counselling, or both?
Yeah both I take mirtazapine and propanolol. My metal health team only focus on my anxiety. It's like they think that's my only problem.. The anxiety has done the damage so it's only part of the problem. My life is on pieces..
I take cit and propranolol. Im on the waiting list for CBT at the moment.
I know what you mean though with the focusing on the anxiety. I know with me, I get depressed because of my inabillity to do everyday things beacuse of my anxiety. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better, I know what your going through and I know its not that easy.
I started out on cit but had a bad experiance. What brings me down is thinking about what I've lost over the years my depression has devoloped. I have to wake up everyday to nothing. I have no friends and I don't socialise and I've been out of work for years. I had a great job as a mechanical engineer before I fell ill and my future looked bright. Right now I feel lost and unappreciated.
theharvestmouse
16-07-12, 17:32
I know how you feel amdhyde, its bad, but thinking about it won't help. Read the post on Success Stories that was posted in the last hour, I found it had some good advice, a bit different to the usual stuff as well.
I've only been taking it for just over 2 weeks, ive not had any major side effects and I think it is starting to work, fingers crossed anyway!
I don't socialise, havn't done for ages. I get really on edge in pubs and clubs, I always think theres going to be trouble, and used to work in the pub industry and loved it. I have friends but I keep them at arms length because of my anxiety, I've shut them out in effect, do you not feel thats the same for you? I do have one really good (female) friend who I would be lost without.
Everything you had, you could have again. Its hard to be positive when your feeling so low, but it could be something to work towards slowly.
Yeah it's the same for me. I also worked in a pub at one stage as chef but even then I found it hard to be social. And friends I just pushed away due to my anxiety. I find it impossible to trust people and rarely do I let people in close to me.
Beckybooboo
16-07-12, 18:18
Hi,
I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time at the moment.
I can totally empathize with the situation you're in because I have been there before and let me tell you, it does get better. I understand that at the moment through previous messages of yours, you're on medication and at therapy, have you tried to tell the therapists everything and maybe visited your GP for a higher dosage of medication or alternatively a different medication?
I know that suicide can sometimes seem like the only way out because you feel as if you've hit a brick wall, but there are other ways that you can conquer anxiety and depression normally. I know it seems difficult at the moment as you've been living with this for many years, but you must remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there.
Don't give up on yourself, because one day you will have the life you dream of; all good things take time and as annoying as it is, it's the way the world works.
If you need anyone to talk too, or vent, then give me a PM.
All the best,
Becky
Hey becky I really appreciate that, thank you.
theharvestmouse
16-07-12, 19:05
I pushed friends away as well, I couldn't tell people about my anxiety, I have one old friend who I trust and he's helped me. I stopped socialising, I'd hidden my anxiety for years through drinking to cover it up but just couldn't carry on doing that.
It does help knowing that as individuals we are not the only ones that are going through these bad times because of anxiety.
Trust is a big thing, especially going through what we are. I think with me its a fear of being let down and people not understanding what Im going through.
Look after yourself and if you ever want a chat, just message me, I'll always get back when Im online.
Jon :)
JonoClouds
16-07-12, 19:29
To amdhyde,
Your story sounds all too familiar. The feelings of loss, hopelessness, loneliness...
I too had a good career (software engineer), now I am too ill to work.
I lost my marriage, my sons and my lovely house. My friends ran away when they found I had a mental illness. Actually, that's not quite true. All of them except one ran away, scared because I was 'mental' or something!
Now I never go out or socialise. Why would I? I can't make so-called small-talk, I am not interested in listening to most other people any more and frankly I don't think they are interested in me.
Thanks for listening to all the bad stuff, now on to the good parts.
I was lucky to find a g/f who has had a couple of bouts of severe depression. What a difference - understanding, patient, attentive... totally unlike my ex-wife and ex-friends.
I have finally started to break away from my old life and let go of all the bad memories that it has, and start to create a new life with new people. Different people, and a different life where things happen more slowly. One in which I might survive.
I don't miss the going-out stuff really, but I am lucky as I don't live alone.
After a long gap, I actually went on a week's holiday this year. I was poorly some days, but other days were quite good.
So, it may all seem hopeless for you right now, but things can change. I don't think there's much point ruminating over the life you used to have. I've done the same, it's compelling but of no value. It's very hard to move on, but the only thing I can see for me is to start again and build something new and different. I do hope that you find ways to do the same.
All the best - Jono.
Hey jono I completely get what your saying I also did have a woman come into my life a while back and for a short time things did change for the better. However she sadly did not understand what I was dealing with and I really don't blame here for not sticking around. I really would like to move on and hopefully I will come across people that accecpt me for who I am and understand its not easy for people like me.
Having people or just someone like the gf you have met around you really does help you move on and like I said I did experiance change for a while. I just hope I come across someone soon that can help me with changing my life. I'm ready to move on I just need some support because on my own it feels impossible.
Thank you for your reply and I'm glad life's on the up for you. Hearing about other people in my situation turn there life around is something that gives me hope.
Anthony
theharvestmouse
16-07-12, 21:14
Great post Jono!
I pushed friends away as well, I couldn't tell people about my anxiety, I have one old friend who I trust and he's helped me. I stopped socialising, I'd hidden my anxiety for years through drinking to cover it up but just couldn't carry on doing that.
It does help knowing that as individuals we are not the only ones that are going through these bad times because of anxiety.
Hi the harvestmouse
I used to drink alot, I did cut back alot though and I've not had a drink at all now for 5 weeks and I dont miss it one bit. I found that in the end it was making my anxiety much worse, even if I just had one.
---------- Post added at 22:31 ---------- Previous post was at 22:30 ----------
Excellent post Jono
Wishing you all the best
Jon :)
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