Help Very Very Complex Family Situation

[tmcg83]

Hi there,

I am new here although have been reading these forums for awhile. I am looking for some advice regarding a family situation. My uncle is in his 50s and still lives at home with my gran. He has difficulties with what looks like Agoraphobia and issues arising from this including panic attacks, anxiety, depression and self esteem. He has only left the house on a few occasions since he was 16 and no one can visit my gran for this reason. Sadly, both my gran and he are in poor health as he abused alcohol for most of his adult life and my gran well at 77 is just too old now and is struggling to look after herself. My gran has been so protective of him that no one actually knows he lives with her nor are any visitors welcome. My gran gets to see her family elsewhere.

I am now very concerned because my gran does not have the ability both financially or physically to keep up care for him. He will not accept help from anywhere else. She is living in a block of flats were there are lots of drug users and youths hanging about. I think she should probably in sheltered housing but we cannot take this forward because of her fear of my uncle being taken away. My mum and the rest of my family don't know where to turn. What would be the best place to turn to for support for this complex situation. I think we can't move on if someone has to come into his house to assess him - that would be a disaster and stop support from being put in place. Ideas and suggestions are most welcome and appreciated.

[redzzed]

social services / age concern are probably good starting points .

[Anxious_gal]

Anxiety disorders and alcohol often go hand in hand. Alcolisim can induce anxiety and it stops the body from absorbing the bvitamins which leads to more mental issues and brain damage.
Not all alcoholics are abusive but most are at least manipulative and in total denile about their addictions.
If you could get him to a rehab program that would be good, but due to his age and how long he's been drinking, suddenly stopping the aclohol can be very dangerous.
Your grandmother is enabling him. Which really only makes things worse.

I would report both of them to someone. Get someone to call round to see how they are living .
But they are both adults and choosing to stay in that situation.
Unlike self harm or sucidal people. I don't think you can force an addict into care.

[Edie]

This is a very difficult situation. I really don't think anyone would attempt to remove him from your gran's care, but he does need to accept additional support if your gran is no longer able to provide the level of care he needs. What will he do in the future if your gran is no longer around?

Shelthered accommodation may still be an option. My grandparents live in sheltered accommodation. They own their own flat, but a manager lives on-site and offers support when necessary. They have a pull cord inside their flat which alerts the manager to an emergency, and the manager also maintains shared facilities such as the laundry room and the garden. There are organised activities, but these are all optional and my grandparents choose not to attend them. Most places like this accept residents aged 50+. A father and son live together in my grandparents' complex, the father is elderly but the son is in his 50s and still working. It may well be possible for your uncle and gran to live together somewhere like this.

However, I think a manager of a sheltered accommodation complex may have concerns about this situation and eventually attempt to involve social services.

It's a very sad situation, and your gran does seem to have contributed to your uncle's isolation by sheltering him quite so much, and presumably providing alcohol. I think some tough love needs to be shown here. Someone needs to force the situation and get him to accept someone visiting.

[Col]

Gosh, a tricky situation! I think for the sake of your gran the bottom line is that someone needs to reassuringly at least, attempt to talk & explain to him, she needs help . Maybe in the form of home help, which might not be too intrusive for him but, will help gran.:unsure:
Takecare