mollyfin
18-07-12, 02:14
To borrow a quote from my favorite TV show, "I'm so depressed I can't even blink."
I've been on a downward depression spiral for a while, but it kind of snuck up on me. My girlfriend thought I was mad at her or didn't love her any more and kept asking questions about it, which kicked my OCD into high gear, and for a day and a half I kept asking myself over and over if she was right; if I subconsciously didn't have feelings for her any more, and just didn't know it.
Well, I got over that pretty fast, but what came with it was a crushing, flattening depression. Nothing makes me smile. And it's made so much worse because stupid me told my girlfriend about my OCD and now she's freaking out over it and I feel like she's going to leave me because she thinks I'm unreliable and am just going to break up with her, so she might as well beat me to it. And needless to say those feelings - well the lack of - were totally not real, and ironically triggered by HER asking about it.
I hate feeling like I'm being punished for having a brain that hates me, even though I know that I would freak out in this situation too. But it's made my depression even worse. I'm avoiding things I usually like. I can't do anything. I try and I just sit and stare blankly until it's time to stop trying. I avoid people I know on the street - even the neighbor with the french bulldog, when she's pulling to greet me. I'm so down I don't want to pet a cute dog.
And I feel guilty. I hate myself for being slightly mad at my girlfriend for freaking me out about an episode that SHE triggered in the first place, even though logically it wasn't her fault at all. I feel like a horrible person.
I cry constantly. Today I asked her if we we would be okay and she said she hoped so. I completely lost my shit, even though she insists she didn't mean she had doubts about us. And I hate myself for being so weak and needy in the first place! I feel like this relationship is the only good thing in my life, and I'm so desperate to hang onto it that I obsess over it.
So I'm really depressed and feel certain that I'm going to be broken up with any minute now. And the worst part is that it's all my fault. I'm so stupid. I don't deserve anything good.
I've been on a downward depression spiral for a while, but it kind of snuck up on me. My girlfriend thought I was mad at her or didn't love her any more and kept asking questions about it, which kicked my OCD into high gear, and for a day and a half I kept asking myself over and over if she was right; if I subconsciously didn't have feelings for her any more, and just didn't know it.
Well, I got over that pretty fast, but what came with it was a crushing, flattening depression. Nothing makes me smile. And it's made so much worse because stupid me told my girlfriend about my OCD and now she's freaking out over it and I feel like she's going to leave me because she thinks I'm unreliable and am just going to break up with her, so she might as well beat me to it. And needless to say those feelings - well the lack of - were totally not real, and ironically triggered by HER asking about it.
I hate feeling like I'm being punished for having a brain that hates me, even though I know that I would freak out in this situation too. But it's made my depression even worse. I'm avoiding things I usually like. I can't do anything. I try and I just sit and stare blankly until it's time to stop trying. I avoid people I know on the street - even the neighbor with the french bulldog, when she's pulling to greet me. I'm so down I don't want to pet a cute dog.
And I feel guilty. I hate myself for being slightly mad at my girlfriend for freaking me out about an episode that SHE triggered in the first place, even though logically it wasn't her fault at all. I feel like a horrible person.
I cry constantly. Today I asked her if we we would be okay and she said she hoped so. I completely lost my shit, even though she insists she didn't mean she had doubts about us. And I hate myself for being so weak and needy in the first place! I feel like this relationship is the only good thing in my life, and I'm so desperate to hang onto it that I obsess over it.
So I'm really depressed and feel certain that I'm going to be broken up with any minute now. And the worst part is that it's all my fault. I'm so stupid. I don't deserve anything good.