Hawthorn
18-07-12, 18:53
This may be long, but I need to get some of this stuff off my chest before I explode.
When is this all going to stop.
I was raped as a young teen. This does have a big impact on the rest of what I need to get out.
I had nobody to go to about this. My relationship with my parents was difficult. I was always not as good as my sister, not fulfilling my potential, and my parents were crazy strict. So, how can I tell them that that had happened....I didn't.
The person responsible for this however, told the whole damn school that I'd slept with him. Which resulted in me getting bullied from the age of 13-16. I hated school. Of course, in my head I couldn't tell anyone about the bullying, because then my parents would find out and would be even more ashamed of me.
Looking back on it now, I don't understand why I kept it quiet. All I can think is at that time I really wasn't in my right mind at all, even then.
I left home at 16 due to difficult relationship with parents, and met and fell in love with my now ex husband. Ex, because he was violent/adulterous/abusive in just about every way possible.
My parents knew this. They wouldn't let me leave him and come back to their house - I made my bed, I could lie in it, was I think what they were thinking. I had 3 children by him.....they were my saving grace in life. Despite his treatment of me I did love him. Even if I didn't, I couldn't leave because he also kept the pursestrings and gave me only a small amount to live on.
Eventually I managed to get out by finding a sympathetic landlord (who rented a house to my friend) who let me move in with no cash, nothing, and let me pay it back later.
My parents felt sorry for him. I felt that I had failed....they even invited him around to their house for a christmas party whilst I was there with new partner.
Then I met my next partner. I got pregnant accidentally due to contraception failure. I hadn't planned on more children. As it goes, I'm glad I did now because he's the most wonderful child. Anyway, we split up (read I left him) because when I went on a night out, I came back to find that he had put my 8 year old son over his knee, and hit his backside until it turned black with bruising.
I had been beat up, I wasn't going to allow that to happen to my child...ever.
Now fast forward to 8 years later. Things are hard for me emotionally. The past is taking it's toll heavily and by now I'm really strugglign to cope. I am married to a gentle guy, but he's not so good at organising himself, never mind taking control of the family and it's pretty much all left to me to sort.....budget/appointments/food/household decisions/blahblahblah.
Anyway, that's now. He has a son. I always welcomed this child into my house.....he's now 17. He used to come and stay with us for a couple of weeks at a time, and I was very fond of him.
When he was 13, he sexually abused my then 9 year old daughter.
Obviously he was taken home, and was not allowed to stay at my home, or contact with my daughter ever again.
As a person who has herself suffered sexual abuse I was devestated. I was unable to protect my daughter. In fact not only was i unable to protect her, I invited the person who abused her willingly into my home.
Shortly after, I attempted suicide. It was a huge mistake. My family was in pieces, I was in a mental hospital (again) and it had the knock on effect that my husband, with what had happened with his son, also had a breakdown and lost his job as a trainee police officer.
I have never been the same since. We haven't seen this child since.
I didn't say that he shouldn't see his son by the way. That was his own choice, which in my opinion was wrong. I DID say he couldn't bring him home though.
Finally my husband found work again. He got work as a carer and it's not good money, plus we have to pay our own fuel costs (£200 a month) so he's able to work since he travels to clients homes.
Now, his ex (mother of the child who assaulted my daughter) has taken us to the CSA for maintenance. She is on £90000 a year +.......we are on £15000 thereabouts. They are going to take £200 a month from us, and no matter how I work my budget we have nothing left at the end of the month at all. If gas and electric go up during the winter, we won't be able to pay it. Forget christmas, we can't afford it. according to the CSA, buying my children clothes and getting their hair cut is a luxury. And they dont' need shoes either apparently.
So someone who has all of that money, drives around in a BMW takes a huge chunk of our income, to put towards raising a teenager that sexually abused my daughter and very nearly ripped my entire family apart. Not to mention the mental toll that it's all taken.
I resent my husband so much for this. I can't help it. And guess who it is who's having to try to find a budget solution for this? Me. Guess who's goign to have to find christmas presents for four kids + family...with very little money. Me.
Guess who's going to have to try and feed a family of six on a stupidly small budget.
I just want to know when life gets fun and stops shitting on you from a great height. I have gone through my 37 years trying to be a good person, trying not to hurt other people and yet these things keep happening. I don't know how to keep moving forwards with all of this. I am mentally exhausted, not sleeping and unable to leave the house at all. My marriage is on the rocks. Its all such a damn mess.
editted to add, we get no maintenance from my first husband at all. I've been trying since I left him in 2001, but they haven't got a penny from him.
When is this all going to stop.
I was raped as a young teen. This does have a big impact on the rest of what I need to get out.
I had nobody to go to about this. My relationship with my parents was difficult. I was always not as good as my sister, not fulfilling my potential, and my parents were crazy strict. So, how can I tell them that that had happened....I didn't.
The person responsible for this however, told the whole damn school that I'd slept with him. Which resulted in me getting bullied from the age of 13-16. I hated school. Of course, in my head I couldn't tell anyone about the bullying, because then my parents would find out and would be even more ashamed of me.
Looking back on it now, I don't understand why I kept it quiet. All I can think is at that time I really wasn't in my right mind at all, even then.
I left home at 16 due to difficult relationship with parents, and met and fell in love with my now ex husband. Ex, because he was violent/adulterous/abusive in just about every way possible.
My parents knew this. They wouldn't let me leave him and come back to their house - I made my bed, I could lie in it, was I think what they were thinking. I had 3 children by him.....they were my saving grace in life. Despite his treatment of me I did love him. Even if I didn't, I couldn't leave because he also kept the pursestrings and gave me only a small amount to live on.
Eventually I managed to get out by finding a sympathetic landlord (who rented a house to my friend) who let me move in with no cash, nothing, and let me pay it back later.
My parents felt sorry for him. I felt that I had failed....they even invited him around to their house for a christmas party whilst I was there with new partner.
Then I met my next partner. I got pregnant accidentally due to contraception failure. I hadn't planned on more children. As it goes, I'm glad I did now because he's the most wonderful child. Anyway, we split up (read I left him) because when I went on a night out, I came back to find that he had put my 8 year old son over his knee, and hit his backside until it turned black with bruising.
I had been beat up, I wasn't going to allow that to happen to my child...ever.
Now fast forward to 8 years later. Things are hard for me emotionally. The past is taking it's toll heavily and by now I'm really strugglign to cope. I am married to a gentle guy, but he's not so good at organising himself, never mind taking control of the family and it's pretty much all left to me to sort.....budget/appointments/food/household decisions/blahblahblah.
Anyway, that's now. He has a son. I always welcomed this child into my house.....he's now 17. He used to come and stay with us for a couple of weeks at a time, and I was very fond of him.
When he was 13, he sexually abused my then 9 year old daughter.
Obviously he was taken home, and was not allowed to stay at my home, or contact with my daughter ever again.
As a person who has herself suffered sexual abuse I was devestated. I was unable to protect my daughter. In fact not only was i unable to protect her, I invited the person who abused her willingly into my home.
Shortly after, I attempted suicide. It was a huge mistake. My family was in pieces, I was in a mental hospital (again) and it had the knock on effect that my husband, with what had happened with his son, also had a breakdown and lost his job as a trainee police officer.
I have never been the same since. We haven't seen this child since.
I didn't say that he shouldn't see his son by the way. That was his own choice, which in my opinion was wrong. I DID say he couldn't bring him home though.
Finally my husband found work again. He got work as a carer and it's not good money, plus we have to pay our own fuel costs (£200 a month) so he's able to work since he travels to clients homes.
Now, his ex (mother of the child who assaulted my daughter) has taken us to the CSA for maintenance. She is on £90000 a year +.......we are on £15000 thereabouts. They are going to take £200 a month from us, and no matter how I work my budget we have nothing left at the end of the month at all. If gas and electric go up during the winter, we won't be able to pay it. Forget christmas, we can't afford it. according to the CSA, buying my children clothes and getting their hair cut is a luxury. And they dont' need shoes either apparently.
So someone who has all of that money, drives around in a BMW takes a huge chunk of our income, to put towards raising a teenager that sexually abused my daughter and very nearly ripped my entire family apart. Not to mention the mental toll that it's all taken.
I resent my husband so much for this. I can't help it. And guess who it is who's having to try to find a budget solution for this? Me. Guess who's goign to have to find christmas presents for four kids + family...with very little money. Me.
Guess who's going to have to try and feed a family of six on a stupidly small budget.
I just want to know when life gets fun and stops shitting on you from a great height. I have gone through my 37 years trying to be a good person, trying not to hurt other people and yet these things keep happening. I don't know how to keep moving forwards with all of this. I am mentally exhausted, not sleeping and unable to leave the house at all. My marriage is on the rocks. Its all such a damn mess.
editted to add, we get no maintenance from my first husband at all. I've been trying since I left him in 2001, but they haven't got a penny from him.