My partners deep anxiety and depression for our child

[misswyatt81]

I am looking for some kind of hope really. I am so heartbroken, distressed and looking for positives to come out of this mess.
My partner Dave, of 3 yrs suffers deep anxiety when it comes to babies. We have a 5month old son and was due to marry in 3months time which has all been cancelled. Dave started getting panic attacks as soon as our son was born, he cried in my arms days after the birth scared he couldn't do it or be a good father. I reassured him he was already doing it and doing great! We have plodded along since then. We have an amazing relationship, just get on great and very much in love. Until about a month ago his mental state starting really going downhill. He was tired all the time, having chest pains, back and forth to the hospital with these heart problems, couldn't sleep, feelings of guilt, taking beta blockers for migraines and heart, withdrawn and quiet but assured me his love for me was never in doubt, then 2 days later he went to work and never came home. He has been sleeping on his mums sofa the last 2 weeks, he is now on strong anti depressants from his GP and sedatives to help him sleep. He has been given Cognitive behavioural therapy and is attending 3 times a week (2nd session tonight) He took a small step by coming to visit me and our son for 2 hours last night and is coming again Saturday to spend a few hours together and paint the nursery for the baby. He said maybe next week we could have an evening alone.. this gives me hope but I can't shake the fear his loving feelings for me won't return. At the moment he says the home he just connects with negatives thoughts and feelings and doesn't feel love for anyone or anything and if he could he would throw his phone in a river and run away :-( I'm so sad, I want my wonderful, loyal, loving, romantic man back and for of course him to come home and battle this with me :-(

[Hellington Boots]

Hello lovely,

So sorry to hear that you are going through this and that things are so difficult at the moment. I really do feel for the partners of anxiety sufferers, because in some ways you suffer even more and must be caught up in such an emotional roller-coaster.

I know it is hard to be positive at the moment, but if you can I am sure your partner will come out of this dark spell and get back to his old self, you just need to bear with him if you can and look after yourself in the mean time.

I have suffered from general anxiety for years, and although it was a pain it didn't really interfere with my life much. Three months ago though I suffered a severe anxiety episode out of the blue and almost had a breakdown of sorts. It hit me so hard and suddenly I was absolutely panicked to the point of illness. I had to be signed off work, take anti depressants and attend CBT therapy, like your partner. I suddenly lost interest in absolutely everything in life and all the things that previously gave me pleasure, i felt completely numb and flat. My wonderful partner of five years was very supportive, but i felt so strange towards him. We have lived together for three years and i have always been madly in love with him and desperate for him to pop the question. I have never had any doubts about us but suddenly because of the anxiety I felt completely detached and awkward around him. Everything overwhelmed me and because i felt so detached from my partner i was even more worried. I felt like i could not feel the loving feelings for him in my heart - i knew they were still there but it was like they were frozen or buried under the mass of anxiety i felt. Suddenly the thought of marrying him terrified me, i couldn't even choose garden furniture with him i was in such a state. I felt isolated and just wanted to be by myself all the time.


The amount of times i tried to end the relationship, or discuss one of us moving out - it frightens me to think of this now, to think how ill i was. Luckily my partner was having none of it and stayed put, being his usual supportive self. It must have been so hard for him though, and i am certain it drained and frightened him immensely.

What I am trying to say is after three months of rest, removing myself from the world i suppose and retreating in to myself, I am feeling much better. The CBT and medication really helped and time healed me. I now feel completely in love again and almost back to normal.... back to wanting a life with my partner and not being affected by anxiety too much.


It was major life stresses that set me on the road to being so ill and lets face it life can be very stressful and frightening at times. In your partner's case, he has just become a father - something wonderful but yet terrifying too. Anxiety sufferers often doubt their own ability and question themselves, it sounds very much to me that the responsibility of parenthood has just frightened him and set his anxiety off. Everything i have read ( and believe me i have read a LOT of books on anxiety in the last three months) says that anxiety attacks whatever you hold dearest to you - so relationships, parenting, your health - all of these things. I am certain that your partner's feelings have not changed for you and the baby, and he will recover from this but it just takes time and can make the sufferer feel like a different person in the mean time.

It sounds like he is improving slightly to be able to come round for a few hours, that is definitely progress. If you can be supportive and not add to the pressure ( which i know is immensely hard, especially when you are looking after a baby on your own too) then I am sure with time he will return to his normal self. In the mean time read the list of symptoms on the anxiety section of this site, it probably lists everything your partner is going through and will give you more understanding. It might even help him to read the symptoms ( i used to read them several times a day just to reassure myself i was not going mad!) There is quite a good explanation on the emotional symptoms that sums lack of loving feelings up, and being emotionally numb and detached. It is an extremely common symptom of anxiety and depression.

There is also another website called 'Anxiety no more' - there is a section on there for partners of sufferers, it gives advice and support. Try having a look at that!

I really hope in time your partner will be fine, and in the mean time try to get out and enjoy yourself if possible - because you need to look after yourself and try and do fun things to keep your spirits up!!

I wish you the best of luck and will be thinking of you, PM me if you ever need to.


xxxxx

[sixis]

Hello,

I can't really offer perfect advise but can you let know I went through the same thing as Dave myself for the same reasons - I actually started having massive panic attacks and constant anxiety about 3 months before my daughter was born. The most important thing for you is to accept that this will take time to resolve and also MOST importantly make sure that your health does not suffer as a result of this. Hopefully you have friends and family close by and can get help if you need it.

Hellington Boots has already given you some great advice about reading the section on this site and others.

Dave will get better - He certainly sounds like he is doing the right thing by seeking help and getting the medication he needs. Best of all he just starting CBT which for me helped enormously. There are also a lot of great books Dave could try I personally found the Claire Weekes - Self Help for Your Nerves a big help.

Look after Your self

Si