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clear blue sky
24-07-12, 12:07
I have spent days living in a world of pain, agonising over a decision that will be apart of my life forever.

You do never imagine things like this to happen to you and when it does the shock and sadness is overwhelming. Finding out I was pregnant was a big shock on its own as I had the coil fitted. Then to know I had a high chance baby could be disabled I worried myself silly, facing huge attacks of panic where I felt the walls were closing in. To then receive the news our lil baby had downs syndrome I felt as though my heart had been ripped out and I had to decide to continue or not with pregnancy.

I wondered what right I had to decide, agreed it was my fate to be a mummy of a child that just might need that extra bit of support. I was going to continue and love my baby with all my heart. My partner disagreed :(.
He wanted to terminate and after much heartache and pain I received more information that it would not be a mild form of downs and that only a few baby's with downs will make it to birth anyway. So I could decide to continue as a single mum and find later down the line that my baby had died.

I have based my decision on the health and quality of life our baby would have had and although petrified I am going ahead with a termination.
Only god can judge me and I hope and pray I'm forgiven. I pray my baby can pass by this crazy hard testing life, and go straight to a world of heaven where my angel belongs. I'm sorry . May I find the strength to forgive myself and move on from this. Letting go but never forgetting .

LucyLiz
24-07-12, 12:23
This must have been horrendous for you. I can't even imagine having to make a decision like that. Hope you have plenty of support around you xx

Serenitie
24-07-12, 12:34
Thinking of you and sending you lots of love :hugs:

It is obvious that you love your baby and will never forget them.

You have nothing to be forgiven for. You have done nothing wrong.

You have been placed in an impossible situation and even then you considered your baby and put their needs a best interests ahead of your own.

Please be kind to yourself and get all of the support that you deserve xxx

nomorepanic
24-07-12, 13:05
So sorry to hear this.

I won't give too many details as of course it is not place to talk about other family member's problems but someone in our family had to make the same decision as you recently. Their first baby died before birth a year ago and more recently they had to terminate the pregnancy as the baby would not have survived once born. It is a very traumatic decision to make and my heart goes out to you.

nicola1980
24-07-12, 14:56
My heart truly goes out to you :hugs: you will not be judged by your decision, you are doing what is right for you and your baby, i can't even imagine the pain your gong through right now but you are in my thoughts :hugs: xx

flossie
06-08-12, 09:32
Sending you my love at this most difficult time for you.
x.

Magic
06-08-12, 18:31
Clear blue sky,
Just found this thread. I hope you are ok after all you have gone through.
sending you lots of hugs:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
Take carexx

Littlehelper123
06-08-12, 18:54
My thoughts are with you. I completely understand your reasons for terminating. You and your baby deserve a chance at life and you did what was right xxx no one is judging you. Stay strong xx

fashionroadkill
07-08-12, 09:04
Thinking of you. I hope you are well & staying strong xxx

clear blue sky
14-08-12, 01:11
OH guys thanks. I decided to continue the pregnancy and then we got the news our baby boy also has xyy which is another chromosome condition that there is not a lot of research on. Baby could have had autism and a form of behaviour issues with possible aggression that mixed with the downs led me to go through the worst 29 hours of my life. I went into hospital and was induced at 19 weeks I gave birth friday 10th August after 29hrs of labour. Joseph Leo was born sleeping RIP.
I did it for love, I couldn't have watched him suffer. I wanted him and my heart aches but he is peaceful and in heaven now where he belongs my lil angel. I have lots of pictures and got to spend time holding him, he is even having a little service and cremation. I know I have done the right thing it just hurts so bad and my maternal feelings are wondering where my lil baby is but I know he is OK. Life is really sent to test us sometimes a? but.....

We don't know how strong we are until strength is our only option xxxx

nomorepanic
14-08-12, 01:14
I am so sorry to hear this and my heartfelt thoughts are with you at this time.

Magic
14-08-12, 12:36
Clear blue sky,:hugs:Sending you hugs:hugs::hugs:

Serenitie
14-08-12, 15:25
Sending you love and healing. You are in my thoughts :hugs:

nicola1980
14-08-12, 16:22
Thinking of you and sending you :hugs: your baby boy is at peace now :hugs: x x

lizzie29
14-08-12, 18:09
This is so sad, sending you lots of strength and love. I'm sure he is at peace. Xxx

isybelle
14-01-13, 23:59
So sorry for what you've gone through. You've done the right thing but that doesn't make it easier! Thinking of you x

AuntieMoosie
15-01-13, 04:33
Hun I am so very sorry to hear what you've had to go through, my heart feels like it's breaking just thinking about what you've had to face.

Life can really throw us some real tough issues to deal with and this surely must be one of the hardest, I admire you for your strength and courage and your bravery.

Hun as you said, you did it for your love of him and to protect him from suffering and that's the best thing that you done for him, you protected him and kept him safe from pain and suffering.

My heartfelt thoughts are with you and your family right now, I'm sending you love, healing and comforting hugs hun :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

nomorepanic
15-01-13, 14:28
Please can I just mention this post is 5 months old now so could open up old wounds again.

lauraebowes
15-01-13, 21:34
my heart goes out to you hun i couldnt even imagine going through this sending you lots of cuddles sweetie :hugs::hugs:

AuntieMoosie
15-01-13, 21:42
Oh I hadn't realised that it was an old post Nic, maybe we should stop posting on it so as not to cause any distress as I would hate for that to happen?? :hugs:

clear blue sky
24-01-13, 11:58
Hey everyone :). sorry long post

I really don't have a problem with people posting I really appreciate the support that has been shown and Its not something I just want to forget. I have been dealing with losing Joseph since August, I think about him every single day and Its helpful to discuss it.


after only going through the first few weeks of grief a national newspaper posted a story front page of our experience. I made a big mistake there, I wanted to raise awareness regarding termination asking people not to judge for they never know the true story.It went so wrong !! The article was published full of a lot of rubbish and focusing on the split decision between myself and parter who they made out to be a really cold hearted man rather than them focusing on the medical issues and the truth behind termination that I was trying to raise . It was just another punch in the gut really and another lesson learned.


I will say one thing I have changed so much emotionally,things you face certainly make you stronger. Nothing gets to me any more. I figured nothing could come close to the pain of what I felt losing Joseph. Trivial things do not play on my mind, I no longer panic about the future or worry about what may or may not happen . I wont let anxiety and depression take over. I decided I owed it to my son to be healthy and happy , he didn't get the chance at life so its my job to make sure mine is the best it can be.

He is thought about so much and I do get days when I fight with myself whether I made the right choice however I know that isn't the way to think and I soon change my thinking pattern. I gathered strength through support of such great family and friends.I just couldn't fall a part because If I did I knew how much my family and friends would suffer. No one could believe how strong I have been and I guess neither can I but like I said I held it together because I feel I owed Joseph that much.

Looking forward I am over the moon that I am expecting again. Only 7 weeks at present :O) I am so so extremely happy and so is my partner. I am excited and cant wait to finally get the chance to be a mum. I cant wait to get to my scan date but I am staying positive that all will be Ok. There is no point in worrying until you have something there to worry about. This baby will know all about their beautiful big brother one day.

I would like to say a HUGE thank you for all the lovely comments that have been posted they were also a great form of support. I hope everyone is keeping well and positive with whatever life throws at you :0)

lots of love to all
xxxxxxxx

Daisy Sue
24-01-13, 12:20
just wanted to say i think you're very very brave... i can't go into detail here but i identify so much with what you've said in this thread..

you did the only thing a good Mum could do - the best for your child.

so happy to hear you're expecting again, & i'll have my fingers crossed for everything to be ok this time around. xxxx

clear blue sky
24-01-13, 12:27
If you ever want to discuss you can always message me. Thank you ever so much xxxx