FEAR AND NEW TO NMP

[fran43]

Thanks again to all who welcomed me to NMP with suggestions. My husband took me to the library as I wanted to get Clare Weekes book. Couldn't find it, asked assistant and it became too much.

My husband is supportive but I truly feel he fails to understand what panic is about despite my explaining.

I freak out being on my own, my ten year old getting home from school, my eighteen year old pregnant daughter giving me hassle (she has split from father who is due to be in court in November).

The one major big time panic is my husband booked a holiday for three weeks in USA and I am not able to pack a suitcase. There is a PC with internet at the house, so my husband suggested I can still use the NMP forum there.

Getting dressed in the morning is really difficult. Undressing at night means another day has ended but then I panic about not sleeping. My kids and husband need sleep so I dare not make noise. If I do sleep I dream about my dad who died and I was so close to him. I broke my ankle a week before the funeral, two weeks after I missed the top stair and fell top to bottom and broke my wrist and had wires in it. Needed further surgery for a trapped nerve and now my right hand is pretty useless.

Meals are difficult, I panic and end up peeling potatoes late at night. I am unable to see the positives, things look bleak. My GP put me on antidepressants 8 wks ago and I think they should have kicked in by now. I know having taken large quantities of diazepam and cutting it completely off was really stupid (I did this off my own back). I am on 4mg now which is nothing to what it was.

I have the concentration span of a newt so reading books is hard. Even trying to concentrate on TV is hard as I go off into a world of my own.

I realise I am waffling and apologise for that. I dont know how much longer I can go on feeling like this. Any suggestions? Take care of yourselves.

Fran

[manmoor]

Hi Fran,

Firstly hun you aint waffling cos thats my job lol. A while ago I felt just as you do and know how ou feel. I shut myself in my bedroom and wouldnt eat or change out of my pj's. I didnt want to talk to anyone. I agree with your hubby go on holiday and log on to nmp and we will all be here for you. Like mine I know this bad stage will pass for you hun.

Thinking of you

Mandy

xx

[fran43]

Hi Mandy

Thanks for your extra quick reply. I was reading other posts. It is almost time for my son to return home and panic attacks and trembling are already starting. My husband has just told me he is bringing a friend home. At the moment kids are so noisy (my hearing is acute at the moment)!

Take care.

Fran

[Will Loynes]

Het Fran,
you are in a sorry state at the moment, we all get like this at times, im glad you came to NMP, I know it will help.
This is easier said than done (having a badone at the moment as well), but try not to focus on things like attention span, it may not help you.
Try to take each little bit of the day at a time and really enjoy bits that make you happy. Please go on your holiday as well, try not to add that to the list of things that havent worked for you.
The main thing is getting the support you need, your husband is already there. It is extremely hard to get people to understand how you feel but welcome to the NMP community!!

We're all here if you need a shoulder :)

Cheers

Will

xx

[ren]

Hi Fran,

You've come to the right place. All the support here can help you get through the day.

ren

[Daisybun]

Hi Fran, so sorry you are having a bad time at the moment. What meds are you taking? i took diazepam for a little while but not much and only for a month but i did feel worse when i cam off it. i am on citalopram now and I feel so much better. If you don't think the pills are working then maybe they are not right for you, we all react differently to meds and some suit while others don't. What an opportunity to go to the states, i agree that going on NMP when you are there should help you to enjoy the holiday and still get support if you have a bad day. The Clare Weeks book is available on Amazon that's where i got mine from. Hope you feel better soon

Take care
Daisybun

'This too will pass'

[fran43]

Hi Will and Daisybun

Will,

It has crossed my "mind" to not go on the holiday and have offered my ticket to just about everyone I know. We went to the USA before, my daughter cant come because of (a) her pregnancy and (b) she has physically assaulted and stolen money from me in the past. I am not looking forward to this holiday but would feel very guilty as my husband and youngest (and my sister/brother-in law) certainly want to go.

Daisybun,

I was on 65mg of diazepam daily and am now on 4mg. I am on the same antidepressant as you but still find it unhelpful. Yet deep down I know dizepam suppresses feelings, so my dad's death was never dealt with at the time.

I was the only one there at his death in ICU and waited until they switched off life support. He cried so many times whilst in hospital and said to me regularly "fran, I am your father, get me out of here". I went in every day and fed him as the nursing staff were too busy.

His death was not expected, on admission the doctors were saying he would be in five days and talking about his discharge drugs etc. I had not prepared myself for his death. I do not get on with my adoptive mother yet she is also grieving and needing me at a time when I feel unable to give it but what am I supposed to do?

I am lucky to have a supportive husband but also worry all this will prove too much for him.

I guess I am off on waffling again so I will stop typing. I guess they call this "free thought". Sorry!!

Take care of yourselves.

Fran XX

[Shadowwin]

Fran,

Sweetie.. I just have to say you simply in my opinion need to slow down.. Your trying to do to much and all at the same time.. it is not going to help your anxiety levels at all.. Especially when you are fighting to recover too much too soon puts undue stress into play..

One of the things I suggest right off is those times when you are alone.. find yourself a nice guided meditation CD or if you download music off the internet at all search out guided meditations or relaxation hypnosis.. it truly does work and it does helps.. it feels a little weird at first especially when you first start feeling the sense of relaxation..but after a fewweeks you definately begin to cope much better. It should help occupy some of that time you might spend alone or better yet if you are physically able try Yoga before bedtime.. the stretching of the muscles helps relax the body and prepare it for sleep.. also keep caffine intake down.. I generally try not to drink any caffinated drinks after 7 pm.. or eat sugary snacks after that time either (which I've been bad at lately) Raw Crunchy Foods are helpful.. as well as drinking water.. lots of water..

Examine your bedroom.. is it a place that is made for sleep.. is it a place you like to be and most importantly can you see things that remind you of yourself within plain eye view.. I myself can't sleep without some form of a light on.. I was molested as a child in a dark room.. so it is next to impossible for me to even try to sleep without a light.. at least my boyfriend is understanding of this so it makes it easy at bed time.. when I say it's too dark.. he even hung a shelf for me at the foot of the bed full of things I identify with so I can look at it.. it helps me relax and drift off...

As for the antidepressant.. it honestly took me about 90 days with effexor..before I really felt a bit better.. the thing with the prescibing of antidepressants is they take the edge off the attacks and make normal life achieveable they do not cure the symptoms or the attacks themselves.. they simply make you more rational.. In truth the way to beat attacks is a combination of things.. the proper diet, excerise, relaxation methods and sometimes yes a course of medication.. but beating it all together comes from within and you can do it *smiles* it takes time.. but you will get there.. just believe in yourself.. believe you can do it and it will happen.

I wish you the best of luck with your endevors and try to enjoy your vacation to the states.. (Where are you heading by the way I'm from New York =)

Take Care

~Shadowwin

[fran43]

Hi Shadowin,

I believe you are completely right. I am trying to run before I can walk. My husband says dont worry yet I do. I want to appear "normal" in front of my kids. Feeling unreal, not feeling I belong hurts big time.

We are staying in Orlando. My husbands plans are, on the third week, to go to Disneyland/Universal. It fills me with complete panic as there will be so many people. I dont wont to look a fool or feel stupid. I am good at putting on a front but once I do, it does not go.

I am sorry to hear what happened to you re sexual abuse. My daughter was abused by a 78yr old neighbour between 3 and 5yrs old and I have never got over that. I am so over protective with my son because of that. I am sure that is why she has been violent with me.

My son is great in that he is caring, (too trusting with others). I cant go through that experience again. He went to a kids disco and took flowers for a girl he liked (at ten!!). My community thinks a lot of him and what I would like is to have his attitude is he does not care what others think of him.

I am getting over an eating disorder and eating well now but feel big. Hence why it feels difficult to dress morning, have a bath etc.

I really need support from NMP and kind people such as yourself. I will get through this somehow and then I will be able to support others.

Take care

Fran XX

[clickaway]

Dear Fran,

I can understand how this holiday seems so daunting for you. I would feel the same.

But what I can say is that many people on here fear holidays and they usually work out much much better than expected.

So what is planned for Weeks 1 and 2. Is that more laid back, or is more theme parks?

Take Care,

Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers