View Full Version : Citalopram Diary day 21
Iggy131313
01-08-12, 17:31
Hi All,
so today is day 21, I went to see dr yesterday who said my extreeme side effects are normal and to stick with it as I should start to improve soon.
I really dont want to temp fate but today, aside from the constant headache, my side effects have been not too bad! Dr offered me diaz to help with increased anxiety but I decided to touch them out and if I feel my anxiety levels rising I just go to bed with a good book and sooth myself as best I can.
This morning I awoke and waited to the dread and horror to grip my heart, but it wasnt there!! well, I had mild anxiety but nothing compared to how it has been, was a little anxious through the morning perhaps a level 2.5/3 but have felt ok since, in fact, I have cracked a couple of jokes today, unheard of in the past few weeks!!!
I feel hope at last, that I am on the final sprint of this marathon, thanks to everyone who has supported me so far, the journey is not over yet but I think the Citalopram has found its destination and may begin to work soon! :yesyes:
Anyone starting out or wondering why oh why they ever started, keep going!!!!:yahoo:
Congratulations:yesyes:
There may be some more up's and down's still to come but hopefully your now on the mend.
Steve:)
Iggy131313
02-08-12, 16:38
Day 22
ok, so I spoke too soon....
Today has not been so good, low level anxiety apart from an intense hour this afternoon, fast heartbeat etc, your right Steve its not over yet and my confidence has been knocked so bad.
Steve you said at one point you became quite withdrawn and agraphobic, thats where I am now. All I want to do is curl uop on my own in my bedroom and leave life to everyone else, I know the cit isnt working yet as Ive had episodes of crying and anxiety today, the thing that drives me crazy is I only went to the drs for mild occasional anxiety, and now, I feel like I have severe issues.
Anyway, Im off to feel sorry for myself in my bedroom and hope that another week will see me improve, I will update again tomorrow.
For anyone who believes in God, please pray for me, I have suffered so much over these weeks and I am struggling with this sorrow and anxiety, I feel so guilty as I cant be a mum to my little boy anymore, I know he will not remember it as hes only 3 but hes playing it out with his toys saying their poorly and have to go to bed and I feel just so awful about it.
My husband is losing patience with me too and slammed out of the house earlier saying 'maybe in a year or two you will leave the house again' I know how hard this must be on him, until 3 weeks ago I was a happy go lucky highly functional wife and mother and now Im a quivering wreck who doesnt venture out of the bedroom, let alone the house.
fingers crossed tomorrow brings more hope for me.
Caroline xx
Hi Caroline,
My heart goes out to you and I'm sending you love and wish I could hug you in person :hugs:
You are showing such amazing strength and determination in dealing with your anxiety and should be very proud of yourself.
Anxiety is a very real illness that has such a devastating impact on our lives. Please do not feel guilty for being ill. You would not feel guilt for having a physical illness like a broken leg or heart problem that limited your daily functioning. Your illness, pain, suffering and need for support to recover is just as valid.
Your son knows that you love him and his Mummy is poorly. Your husband married you and made a promise to love you in sickness and in health. This is the time he needs to show you the support he promised he would when he married you. Yes it is frustrating for him. But his comment is hurtful, unhelpful and adds to the weight of the burden you are carrying which is already heavy enough for you to bear.
I do not have the answers for you Caroline. I'm currently in a dilemma about whether I should try citalopram again. I'm no nearer the answer and now losing sleep over this decision myself.
I just wanted you to know that you are an amazing person who's strength and determination to recover is to be admired. You are not alone in your struggle, even though you may feel this at times, there are so many of us at any one time working hard to get our health & lives back. You are in my thoughts and I wish you love and peace of mind that you need and deserve to get through this struggle and come through the other side.
I look forward to following your progress. Be kind to yourself. I believe in you. :bighug1:
Hi there ive said a prayer for you tonight and for everyone suffering so good to see you have had a good day x x sorry too see you've had a tough day to follow it sending positive thoughts your way!!!!!! X x
Hey don't stress yourself out im now on week 6 and on 20mg i also still feel anxous more than i did before i even took these!it is really so frustrating i know!my daughter is 7 and she knows there has been something going on with me but i just tell her im not very well but ill be better soon i have been signed off work for 6 weeks so far it can take two month to get back on track so get your head into books to take your mind off it i can now go out the house to the shop so Im getting there be patient it will kick in xx
---------- Post added at 11:15 ---------- Previous post was at 11:14 ----------
AAlso feel free to mail me if you like your journey feels much like mine xx
Iggy131313
04-08-12, 07:49
Day 23
another good day!!
When I say good, of course, I mean good for a cit day!! but a big achievement... I went to the shops, on my own!! 15 mins walk there, got the stuff in for tea, and went to the bookshop for the next book in the C J SANSOME shardlake series (highly recommended, they are brilliant) and came back.
Managed to stay downstairs all day watching some olympics and some criminal minds (which I love) and then when my boy came home I was able to play with him a little before my hubby took him to bed.
So thats great progress, 2 good days this week, please let it continue, Im more than aware that things could turn around and bite me on the bum but I have to celebrate each victory no matter how small.
Caroline
---------- Post added at 07:49 ---------- Previous post was at 07:47 ----------
Hi Caroline,
My heart goes out to you and I'm sending you love and wish I could hug you in person :hugs:
You are showing such amazing strength and determination in dealing with your anxiety and should be very proud of yourself.
Anxiety is a very real illness that has such a devastating impact on our lives. Please do not feel guilty for being ill. You would not feel guilt for having a physical illness like a broken leg or heart problem that limited your daily functioning. Your illness, pain, suffering and need for support to recover is just as valid.
Your son knows that you love him and his Mummy is poorly. Your husband married you and made a promise to love you in sickness and in health. This is the time he needs to show you the support he promised he would when he married you. Yes it is frustrating for him. But his comment is hurtful, unhelpful and adds to the weight of the burden you are carrying which is already heavy enough for you to bear.
I do not have the answers for you Caroline. I'm currently in a dilemma about whether I should try citalopram again. I'm no nearer the answer and now losing sleep over this decision myself.
I just wanted you to know that you are an amazing person who's strength and determination to recover is to be admired. You are not alone in your struggle, even though you may feel this at times, there are so many of us at any one time working hard to get our health & lives back. You are in my thoughts and I wish you love and peace of mind that you need and deserve to get through this struggle and come through the other side.
I look forward to following your progress. Be kind to yourself. I believe in you. :bighug1:
thankyou so much, your words really touched me and is really what I needed to hear, if you decide to try the cit again then feel free to message me if you need support. xx
I'm so glad you've had another good day, Caroline. Good for you! :hugs:
I've had another sleepless night. I think I need to speak to my GP on Monday.
Have a peaceful weekend xxx
Iggy131313
04-08-12, 08:13
serenitie,
as I said you go for it, and I promise to support you though and reassure you as you ahve me, sometimes helping someone else really helps you to recover yourself, so if we help eachother it may ease our journey. xx
Caroline
Iggy131313
04-08-12, 14:30
Day 24
So I managed to get up with my little one again this morning, could feel the anxiety nagging at the back of my mind, but Im so fed up with it now I was just like 'whatever, do your worst citalopram, Ive had enough' and tried to take my mind off it the best I could.
I went back to bed at 10am with my book and felt the anxiety increase, I was so annoyed!!!!
Anyway I came down to watch the rowing finals and found myself picking up a bit so played golf and then tennis with my little boy (in the living room) and my hubby has gone to the shops with him now so Im doing some tidying up. I know I still have a long way to go with these damn tablets and I really wish I had never started but Im on this road now and its one way so Ill keep on going.
Have you seen the blackadder episode where he is looking for the scarlet pimpernell and there are the suicide tablets to take in case of capture, the tablets make you very angry, then very forgettful, then very happy etc, THATS citalopram - although thankfully citalopram doesnt result in death but the build up seems much the same lol.
Lets see how the rest of the day pans out and I will update this diary either later on today or tomorrow. Struggle on fellow cit fiends!!
I'm pleased to hear that you have had a fairly good day after a bad start, I hope it got even better, know exactly what you mean about the tablets, I wish I had never started them but I am here now. I was suppose to up my dose from 10 to 20 mg today but cut a tablet in half, not very successfully so only had a small half today and 2 hours later I felt awful and haven't had a very good day, if a tiny bit makes that much difference what is a whole tablet going to do. Hope you have a good day tomorrow. xx
Iggy131313
05-08-12, 11:32
Day 25
so still feel at a loose end and im not sure what to do with myself. Im trying to get on with normal life in that Im up, dressed etc and interacting with my little boy but Im not comfortable, things still feel forced and Im aware of the nagging anxiety at the back of my mind, Im trying not to feed it though. Headaches and vivid dreams continue their assault but Ill take any physical side effect over the sheer hell of the mental ones.
I begin to wonder how I will overcome the trauma of these past few weeks, but I guess if I went to the dr they would put on me on citalopram, what a joke! So hopefully once the seritonin starts its merry dance across my brain that question will answer itself.
I was so looking forward to the 6 weeks holiday (I work in a college) and I started cit 3 days before we broke up, so I havent had 1 days enjoyment out of them, quite the opposite! I doubt I will even be able to return to work at the end of August as normal, once I start to recover I think Im gonna need time to build my confidence back up and put some weight back on etc.
My husband is going to see Blur tonight in London so I have my 3 year old from 4.30 onwards alone tonight, I must admit Im nervous about it but if I hold it together and manage to look after him it will add to my small victories and hopefully boost my confidence a little. If I cant then my sister in law lives down the road but is 40 weeks preggo and was due yesterday, we are all waiting so its not ideal but my mother in law is there too so I can always get her to come and pick him up for a sleepover if I cant manage.
God, how did it get to the point where I cant manage to look after my child?!?! I was certainly not like that before I started these tablets but we have to play with the hand we are delt each round and I will recover from this and be a stronger, wiser person, Im sure of that at least. I just worry that I will be plagued with the fear of anxiety now, after what I have been/am going through with the start up effects.
I will update eaither later or tomorrow. Keep your chins up fellow sufferers and anyone feel free to PM me if you are in the same boat on these rocky old seas and need some support, god knows I do!
Caroline
Iggy131313
05-08-12, 17:12
Day 25 update
ok so my hubby has now gone and I was soooo nervous about having my little boy alone for the first time, then I was crying because I was nervous and my god I dont want to be.
So I am doing it and I feel ok(ish) Im finding if I even let the word anxiety enter my head then the feeling starts creaping around me and wanting attention. To anyone who has been through this, once the cit kicks in will it stop that feeling? I really believe from the bottom of my heart that Citalopram has given me issues that Ill never get rid of like the constant fear of anxiety, please anyone who is better let me know if this will stop?
I guess Im still having other side effects (if the anxiety is still a side effect) like headaches and jaw clenching and stuff so it could still be raised anxiety from the cit but in a lesser form, or it could be the trauma caused by 4 weeks of pure hell. who knows, but i am sick to the back teeth of iot, why did my dr not warn me that I would loose weeks, no, months of my life in total misery and fear?? not fair.
Iggy131313
06-08-12, 07:52
Day 26
I can feel myself recovering, the mornings are no longer hell on earth and even when I think of anxiety this morning its not there, I think another weeks tlc and rest should see me right, and the fact that Im saying that is HUGE in itself.
The reason Im blogging about it is in the early weeks I was so desperate for information I read every post on this forum looking for peoples journey through this and I know there will be people in the future wanting to see a happy ending so here I am on day 26 saying things are starting to get better.
over the past couple of weeks I lost hope, everything I read was saying the first 2 weeks are the worst and for me, the first 4 weeks have been terrible but I can feel the cloud begin to lift.
I woke up anxiety free again, dont get me wrong, I still fear what the day will bring and worry about the feelings coming back but at least I can now say that if it takes another week or 2 then its not the end of the world, we just have to wait it out and try to rebuild normal life slowly and carefully.
Maybe in a couple of weks I wont even think slowly and carefully, perhaps I will be like, BANG, IM BACK! but we shall see.
My headaches are the worst they have been and last night in bed it was intense but somehow I find the headaches reassuring because I think, well if Im still having those side effcets then the feelings of trepidation could still be mild side effcets too.
2 more tablets to take before I finish my second strip (I take them at 7pm) and then start a new packet. each time I finish a 2 week strip I feel even more hopeful, cant be much longer now. So I will take a week or 2 to try and rebuild my confidence and try not to focus on how Im feeling too much, although that seems impossible at times.
Chins up people. x
Good for you for being so strong and weathering the storm. Also for sharing your experiences to help others :hugs:
I hope that your day is kind to you. Take care :bighug1:
So glad things are starting to turn a corner, I'm now on day 19 and not far behind, had quite a good day yesterday on 15mg, going to take two more days at 15 and then start on 20mg.
Iggy131313
07-08-12, 09:46
Day 27 update
So not a great day really, trying all day to fight off the bad feelings and vibes until in the evening just broke down sobbing for AGES!
Its so exhausting and gets so down so much these constand bad feelings and just when I think I may be turning a corner WHAM I start feeling bad again, you just cant trust the good feelings.
again, at least the big cring session made me realise the cit has not kicked in yet as I was starting to think that they would never work for me and I should be feeling ok by now but I guess I will have to be patient for a bit longer. Tuesday to Friday are a little easier for me as my beautiiful little one is at nursery so thats less pressure.
---------- Post added at 09:46 ---------- Previous post was at 07:41 ----------
Day 28
so today marks the 4 week target!
Im going to go out to the shop, bites nails!!!
Im determined to help myself recover so a little walk out will help me prove to myself that I can begin to recover from citalopram hell.
So a new book and get the stuff in for tea, wish me luck people.
Im finding it easier to get up with my boy in the mornings and things that I found overwhelming like doing the washing up I can now do fine, so its a step in the right direction eh?
I will update after I have dared to leave the house, big lols, I cant believe this is me talking, I am such a happy go lucky person usually, always good humoured and known as 'chirpy' but now Im scared to leave the house!!!! It would be hilarious If I wasnt so sad.
Ok, brace yourself Caroline and go for it!!!!
Iggy131313
07-08-12, 17:15
Day 28 Update
hmmmm, the saga continues... I was ready and willing to venture out to the shops this morning, I had my list, I had a treat in store (a new book) and I was bloody well determined to do it.
So off I went in a break in the rain and I did it, I bought the stuff for tea, and some treats and the book from my favourite little book shop but anxiety was creeping all over me, outrageous, how dare it follow me around!!!
So I sobbed and balled all the way home, collapsing on the living room floor as a failure and having basically a mini tantrum, its not fair, why cant I go to the shops etc etc.
But truth be told its bloody ridiculous, I feel like Im having chemo for a cold here, I would have a panic attack maybe once a year AT MOST , and now Im scared to go out of my front door, it makes me angry people, very angry and I was not warned about how these things would make me feel but theres no going back now I only have to hope that it will only be a week or 2 before I start seeing some benifits from the citalopram because all they have brought me so far are more issues than I started with and an inability to live my normal life..Chemo for a cold.
On the whole I feel ok in the house, but I have to keep my mind busy because it it focuses at all on how Im feeling then the bad feelings come on, but Im beginning to look at improvements week to week instead of day to day and this time last week I was refusing to get out of bed and wailing and sobbing at my mum down the phone (she lives in spain) so an improvement from last week and maybe next week I will be better still.
LOving the tudors, I have started to watch that again and Henry VIII is a very very sexy man (not the historical one, just the actor) so a little distraction in many ways!
Headaches have ramped up a notch, not lasting as long but more intense a short sharp blast of pain, and I still PONG!! probably as much as Henry VIII did *giggles* the swaeting is a joke, I am usually very well turned out, a bit hippy but clean and fresh, now its more like ripe and damp, sexy eh?
Also the trembling continues, shaking arms and legs but the whole body shakes seem to have gone, and my teeth are of course firmly held together as any self respecting citalopram taker does, its the only way to keep your teeth isnt it? Very VERY firmly held together, so you can imagine a shaking, jaw clenching, stinky sobbing wreck...anyone fancy a date? LOL
I wouldn't call your shopping trip a failure, it seems like you did all you needed and got what you went for? Anxiety aside quite a success!:shades:
It's quite easy to get a bit agoraphobic when you feel pants on these tablets. I found it best to get out for little walks(the thought of shopping would have me in horrors:wacko:). Head down at first not looking at anyone but day by day each was an improvement going further, longer and eventually striding around like I owned the place:D
Keep on with it, you have seen some improvement week to week and this should only improve.
Well done,
Steve:)
Iggy131313
08-08-12, 08:31
Day 29
hmmmm, have woken up this morning in a bit of a bad way, not as bad as the past few weeks but not great, I was having cold sweats all night and when I woke up my arms and legs were shaking, I felt sick, my jaw was very tight and anxiety was creeping around me. I got up and smoked 3 cigarettes and bewailed my lot, I feel like crying.
I guess that means that the cit hasnt kicked in yet?
Someone please reassure me...If im waking up with those symptoms and feeling like crying then surely it hasnt kicked in yet, but will soon?
I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time. It really does put my side-effects to shame. Being new to this med myself I can't offer any advice but to send some positive vibes your way and to hope that you turn a corner soon and can feel some positive effects.
Like you I seem to be having good and then very bad days, so hopefully it will level out for both of us.:hugs:
I had AWFUL side effects on Citalopram - they even came back after 6 weeks for a while but did die down quickly.
The drug seems to take ages to level out BUT IT DOES in the end, I promise!
Stick with is, you will get better!
Gotagetthroughthis
08-08-12, 13:36
This is my fourth day on citalopram and I think the sides effects may be starting to kick in. I didnt feel any different the first few days, maybe just a little more dizzy. But ive woken up today feeling anxious, shaky jelly legs and just generally really groggy along with the dizzyness, i was also waking up all night feeling dizzy and confused, my body felt light like i was sort of floating, was really strange.
Does this sound normal? Shouldnt the side effects have started after the first tablet and then died down instead of starting four days in?
Maybe its just me having a bad anxiety day today.
Iggy131313
08-08-12, 14:05
Hi gottogetthroughthis no, citalopram does not work on a linier way, I had a horrific first week, not too horrific 2nd week and back to the horrors for week 3, it sounds normal to me, and the meds affect poeple n different ways.
As to if your side effects sound normal, YUP..VERY. And they will weaken and pass, Im not there yet but I was badly effected from the start, its your body fighting off the meds as an invasion and alerting you to the fact that somethings wrong, but your body will accept them and return to noraml, then better than normal.
People on here are really great and supportive, keep us updated and voice any concerns you have, we are all in the same boat together and I for one have sea sickness!
Gotagetthroughthis
08-08-12, 14:13
Thanks Iggy.
Yea it doesnt seem like many people manage to go through the citalopram journey problem free. I thought I may be a lucky one with no side effects.
Was hopeing I might be feeling better as im due to go back to work on Monday, but its looking like ill be worse before I get better.
When did you start to feel the good effects of the drug?
Iggy131313
08-08-12, 15:14
Sorry to dissapoint matey but I havent yet and Im on day 29 today, but the side effects have hit me super hard alot worse than yours sound, generally people say give it 2 weeks for the side effects and the cit should be working at full strength between 4 and 6 weeks, its a long journey but stay on track your at least a quarter of the way to full strength mode.
Just go with the flow and its onwards and upwards.
Do you have kids to look after?
---------- Post added at 15:14 ---------- Previous post was at 14:57 ----------
Day 29
ok blogging time for me and my daily insight into the struggle with citalopram. It was a bit naughty of my side effects to show themselves this morning when I woke up, I thought I had managed to beat them off in the morning but there they were dancing around looking for attention. Outrageous!
My mother in law came round this afternoon for a couple of hours and I had a good chat with her, that was nice.
I am at the point now where, if Im distracted and occupied then I feel more or less ok, its if my mind isnt otherwise engaged it seems to naturally settle on how im feeling, which when further investigation takes place is pretty shit, lol.
I was messaging a great guy off this forum, Mick, on facebook this morning. His journey seems very similar to mine in how badly the side effects have hit and he offers me alot of comfort and reassurance as he is 100% better now and starting to taper off, he told me that if Im still having side effects then its my body still not accepting the drug and it needs to pass through the blood brain barrier and then I will be in business.
I found that very reassuring and had a good old cry about it. Tonight I start week five and a new strip of Cit, cant wait until Ive finished it.
My mother in law wants me and hubby to go out for a meal tomorrow night, locally, I was going to ring the drs and ask for some diazepam so I could go along but my hubby really doesnt want me to take any. He thinks that taking another drug to counter the side effects of this one is a step too far and Im afraid of the diaz myself as I have a very addictive personality.
So I have said that I will try to come out but no one is to be surprised if I have to turn back and come home. It could go either way to be honest, it may be that the conversation will be a good distraction and allow me to rest or I could get to the top of the street and come wailing home, either way, I will try.
Im also gonna make tea tonight, burritos, and I make a mean burrito, so listing things I can now do which overwhelmed me in the past couple of weeks, we have...
1) having a bath (crazy but it did scare me)
2) leaving the house (can now easily do the corner shop)
3) getting up in the morning
4) washing the pots and other light housework.
5) making dinner
and things Im still a bit scared of doing are
1) giving my son a bath
2) taking him to bed
3) walking to the main shops and buying stuff (although have done this twice now)
4) taking my son to/picking up from nursery
I have decided to go out every other day to the local high street, even if its hard just to try to overcome the feeling of never being able to leave the house.
Its my husbands birthday on Friday and Im afraid it wont be a great one for him but tomorrow I want to go and buy a card and maybe a small pressie so thats my mission.
Please let me make it!!!!
Gotagetthroughthis
08-08-12, 16:05
Thanks Iggy, Na know kids to look after luckily.
Hopefully you have been through the worst of it and can start to come out the other side now.
Arrrgggghhhh I hated Citalopram! I remember the start up part that well I won't take it ever again even though it got me better 3 times over the past 10 years. I'm under a gang of new doctors now though and they don't like giving you anything to help with the side effects so I've been stuck on Mirtazapine for almost 5 months and though I know it's never going to work for me now, I'm just too chicken to ask for the Citalopram back. I've been today and asked if there is anything else but apparently I can only have other type sof antidepressents via a councillor who they will refer me to if my last 4 CBT sessions don't work! Hope you feel miles better soon though and happy Many returns to your hubby (:
Iggy131313
08-08-12, 16:58
Karen its a nightmare, lol! anf trust me I wont be coming off them in a hurry, not if Im even slightly suspicious that I may have to start them again, ever!
wow they are powerful and I think Im ultra sensitive to them too, but im on the rollercoaster now so Im holding on tight and closing my eyes and waiting for the ride to stop. Its good to hear from people that they do work in the end, I wish they could have just knocked me out cold for 2 months until they kicked in, but what doesnt kill us makes us stronger eh?
I am on day 21 and today I go to see the nurse .. Scared what she's going to say but know I need to get better had some rocky days this week with crying and just feeling depressed but a lot better the past 2 days. Can anyone tell me if you drink alcohol does it make you feel worse again. Going on holiday with my hubby and am a bit scared about having alcohol
Iggy131313
09-08-12, 07:58
they say that alcohol can increase the side effects a bit vikki, and that you need less alcohol to get drunk!!
I havnt tried yet, but thats what I have read, if you search for citalopram alcohol on the forum there are lots of posts about it. Good luck and have a good relaxing holiday!
Hi, I have been on fluoxetine for five weeks now, and I really can relate to what you are going through. Thanks for posting, I feel so alone with my feelings, but reading your posts makes me feel less alone. I also have kids to look after.
Iggy131313
09-08-12, 08:32
morning piano, its a rough ride isnt it? are you feeling any better after 5 weeks? For me Im better than I was in the 4 weeks Ive been taking cit (which is basically the same thing isnt it) but not as good as I was before starting it?
---------- Post added at 08:18 ---------- Previous post was at 08:16 ----------
oh and piano, feel free to pm me anytime, we are all in this together. xx
---------- Post added at 08:32 ---------- Previous post was at 08:18 ----------
Day 30
so I woke up with my teeth once again firmly together, they must love eachother very much, they are inseperable! and a slight headache. Not the hand wringing, chest pressing anxiety but a fear of the day and what it would bring. and of course once your awake on citalopram start up, theres no going back to sleep!
So Im up, and slightly jittery but again, better than in the past few weeks.
Last night...I CLEANED THE BATHROOM! I couldnt quite believe what I was doing, it may sound simple and nothing to most people but for me to have the motivation to do it and then be able to see it through is a big thing..before even entering a room would give me the horrors.
Today Im gonna keep my little one off nursery because my sister inlaw went into labour last night so there should be a new baby girl in the family at some point today.
I need to fill my time with distractions and occupy my mind as much as possible, yesterday when I was busy I almost remembered what it was like to be normal, almost, Im not, not yet but it is true that week by week things are getting a little easier.
It took a month to get to this point where Im scared but not terrified, and Im jittery but not in bed all day...so in another month perhaps Ill be back in action.
I will update later on how my day has gone, I still need to go to the shops today to get my hubby a birthday card and one from our boy and then Ill see what the family want to do tonight. I dont wanna go out, I feel like its a step too far, I just want to go to bad and read and feel safe. and Im scared to push things too far when Im not ready, but we shall see.
Good luck to my fellow sufferers today and each day we do brings us a step closer to our recovery. xx
Hi, yes I feel better after five weeks. I even went to work yesterday, my first day after summer holiday. It went OK, but yesterday afternoon i suddenly got very depressed and went straight to bed. It was really intense and lasted for about an hour. People on nmp have reassured me that it is normal, but I can't help thinking that maybe the medication is not right for me. Today I am staying home (I have a 50% sick leave).
Iggy131313
09-08-12, 08:56
they say 6-8 weeks is when we should start to really see a difference, I would wait until the 8 week mark before you make any changes, how bad were you suffering before you started?
---------- Post added at 08:56 ---------- Previous post was at 08:55 ----------
and well done on going back to work, Im took my first tablet of week 5 yesterday and Im no where near going back to work, I think it will be at least another month until Im up to that, so it sounds like your doing great, you should be proud of yourself!
Thank you! I must say again, your posts are really helping me. Right now I feel OK, but, like you wrote, I have a small fear of what the day might bring.
I was really in a mess before I started fluoxetine, I had a nervous breakdown about two months ago, and I actually thought I was going crazy. My doctor explained that it was severe anxiety.
Iggy131313
09-08-12, 09:04
I only only had mild anxiety, and Im so glad that my blogging is helpful to you, it helps me keep track of how Im feeling and is therputic for me to get it all out.
Its really hellish isnt it? But soon we will be better, w have to take each small victory and celebrate it, and I keep on telling myself that yes the tablets are causing this but they are made to PROTECT us from these feelings so once they get into our bloodstreams we should start to really pick up and never have to go through this again.
Being scared of each day in my opinion is a sign that they are not working properly yet, are you still having any other side effects? are you teeth clamped?
Yes I agree, I don't think the med is working properly yet. My teeth are not really clamped anymore. Maybe a little bit. I still have a low appetite.
Morning Caroline and everyone,
Day 22 on cit and my second day on 20mg, I felt awful at 5.30 this morning as though I was on another planet, it was so strange I couldn't even explain how I felt, haven't felt like that before but once I was up, had breakfast, taken the poison (cit), and taken the dogs out I felt more human.
Hope you all have a good day xx
Iggy131313
09-08-12, 11:44
Day 30 update
morning christine, your doing so well, a bit of depersonalisation for you eh? its horrid but Im glad it passed quickly for you.
I have succeeded in my trip to the shops, I went, and I got everything I went for. I could feel little pangs of anxiety stabbing at me every 5 mins or so but just kept going. I was also quite dream like and had (and still have) a light headache. It wasnt as good as I was before taking the cit but it wasnt as bad as my last trip out.
If it was last week I would have called today a good day, so progress is happening, I dont feel I have turned a corner yet but I feel like I can see the corner but its a little way off yet... my mind is settling on other things naturally other than how Im feeling (although that is still the dominant thought in my mind) and thats a positive sign. My anxiety is quite low, to be honest I wander if the side effects are beginning to settle down and I am now in limbo before the cit kicks in and what Im feeling is the trauma of the past few weeks and again the natural fear of anxiety because its been so increased. But I know the side effects are still hanging on a bit, I feel a bit sick and as I said the headaches are still present.
My sis in law is still in labour and is currently 5cm, Im looking forward to seeing the new baby and I hope that lifts my mood, theres nothing like a new baby to lift your heart.
Im still worried about the pressure on me to go out tonight, I really dont feel for it but Im gonna try not to think on it too much and play it by ear..
To be continued
Hi Caroline,
Well done on your trip to the shops, I'm glad in a way, not for you though, that I can agree with everything you say as regards symptoms, there has always been the fact of how I feel nagging at me all day and still is and the fact that we both feel worse since taking the cit than we did before, I couldn't believe that really but there we go, I do hope it starts to work for you soon.
Hope all goes well for your sister in law and you have a new little niece soon and if you do go out tonight I hope you are able to enjoy it. xx
Has felt OK so far today, but can't help wondering if my dose is too low (10 mg fluoxetine). Has been on it for 5 loooong weeks.
Sending hugs to Caroline and you all:hugs:
Iggy131313
09-08-12, 16:04
Day 30 upadate
Had jangling nerves earlier for a while and feel a little bit low now because I read someone elses experience who was saying they dont think cit really owrks etc, but I supose I have to remember that I wasnt really that ill before I started taking it so even if I just returned to normal it would be ok, but the problem with that is that Cit has taught me to fear anxiety and to expect it every day, if it doesnt take it away then pure and simple Citalopram would have caused me more issues than I ever had, and that would be a disaster.
Has anyone else felt like that?
Yes I have had that feeling many times during the last 5 weeks on fluoxetine. Especially during the first two weeks, it felt like fluoxetine was ruining my brain.
Iggy131313
09-08-12, 16:52
But do you expect to feel bad everyday? I feel like Im now stuck in a bad cycle of expecting to feel bad so feeling bad, I know the Cit hasnt kicked in and maybe once it does those feelings will go and it will be enough to break the cycle.
I KNOW citalopram has ruined my brain, well it had better clean up the mess it has made once its finished or there will be trouble mr Citalopram, and Mr Fluxetine, you are BOTH in my bad books and will have a real good telling off if you dont sort our brains out!!!
Consider moving to 20 Piano, maybe discuss it with your dr, I know 20 is the lowest thereputic dose of Citalopram but I dont know about Flux?
But you havent reached the 6/8 week mark yet, and I have read some people saying what difference could a week make, well as you know, alot!
Well, today I can actually feel the fluoxetine working. I am not on cloud nine or anything, but I can definitely feel a smooth feeling in my brain. It has lasted almost all day so far. When I get worrying thoughts I can just let them drift away. Hope the feeling doesn't go away!
Yes, I have expected to feel bad every day. But now hopefully something is changing. I have been reading through your posts several times, and it is amazing how much your story resembles mine. When I was on day 30 I was quite desperate since it felt like I didn't have much effect.
Regarding the 10 mg dose, I have a doctors appointment next Tuesday and I will discuss upping the dose with him. I have done some googling and some websites claim that 10 mg is enough.
Actually, I have used fluoxetine before, for PMS, 10 mg, and it worked great. I don't understand why I got so bad side effects this time when I didn't when I used it for PMS...
Iggy131313
09-08-12, 18:59
well same for me me old joanna!! This is my second time round but I have read quite a few times saying that the second time around the side effects can hit you harder!
---------- Post added at 18:59 ---------- Previous post was at 17:24 ----------
Day 30 update
20 minutes before I take my daily dose of poison! Not been a great day all in all, but then looking back at this time last week in this blog I was happy that I had managed to stay downstairs for the day instead of staying in bed, and today I have been to the shops, done some house work, and felt human although a scared and vulnerable human, a human all the same.
My husband gave me a get out of jail free card earlier when he said, dont come tonight darling, and I gratefully accepted, Im going to make some ham sandwhiches and watch series 2 of the tudors which I have downloaded from itunes.
I find myself overthinking my symptoms all the time, but how can you not? But I MUST think positivly, tonight when I have felt Mr Anxiety (the shithead) trying to get my attention I have been thinking, 'F88k off you, I have my son to love and happy thinks in my life to look forward to, and when this citalopram kicks in its going to hammer you and you wont even stand a chance! Im trying to break the cycle of worry that Im in.
My head has been aching all day today and has felt really heavy, I notice it more when I move, and if I put my hand to my brow I can feel the steady throb of it, l guess the cit is busy trying to force itself on my brain and my brain continues to resist. STOP RESISTING BRAIN, I want it there, IM PUTTING IT THERE! God, my stupid body needs to have a serious talk with my brain they are not working together on this one!
Im becoming more impatient with my symptoms, I just hoped that after 4 weeks I would have made more progress than I have but I move ever steadily towards that 6 week mark, and after that probably will be moving in hope towards the 8 week mark, I feel like the goal posts are constantly being moved, get through 2 weeks and the wprst is over, NOT TRUE...get through 3 weeks and the worst is over WRONG AGAIN well I have now got through 4 weeks and I genuinly believe that this time the worst IS over, but I kinda expected that once the worst was over I would be back to normal, but no, its just that the worst is over, theres still some bad shit to get through.
30 days, 30 full days and nights of constant worry and stress but Ive made some new friends on here, and I have learned alot about ssri's and learned about how my body and mind cope with things, perhaps I should treat this as a scientific experiment with myself as the guinea pig.
I will try to get oput of the house tomorrow, visit my in laws, oh god its my hubbys birthday and hes gonna want me to make tea etc, ok, maybe I can do it.
Ill try anyway, hes becoming more understanding as time goes on, my husband has very little patience and finds this very hard to understand, hes one of these men who think you can just snap out of it, but over time he has seen me struggle. I said that to him earlier and he said 'well Im just used to it' not the darling you are doing so well and Ill take care of you, that I was hoping for, but I can feel that he gets it a bit more.
So now I will sit on my backside with my tea and watch Henry VIII get up to his naughty doings and then go to bed for a some brain rest and crazy dreams.
Night everyone and speak again soon. xx
I really can relate to what you are going through. Especially the 4 week mark was dissappointing.
I think I may have to up my dose of fluoxetine. I take 10 mg in the morning, maybe I should take 5 mg in the afternoon? I tried to up it to 20 mg last week and got really anxious, so I want to do it carefully.
Today was nice until about 5-6 pm, then I started feeling a little lethargic as if the fluoxetine "wore off" or something. So my dose may be to low...
Sending you a big hug Caroline, you are so brave, and I love to read your posts:hugs:
I just wanted to pop a little note on to reassure you that it does get better. I have given up on meds in the past (proably before they have had the chance to work properly because I felt so much worse), but was determined to stick it out with cit. At 10mg I made slow improvements but still had a lot of off days and I was convinced they weren't helping. I also take 80mg of propanolol, which has helped immensely with the physical side effects.
I slowly upped to 20mg by taking 10mg one day and 20mg the next for about 10 days, then went up to 20mg for about a week and felt worse so went back to 10mg for a few days but decided if I was really going to give it a proper chance I had to give 20mg a proper chance, that was nearly 2 weeks ago and I am feeling considerably better, almost 100% me, 100% of the time.
I've had a very rough ride with the meds I've been on since Otober/November last year and this is the 3rd AD for me this time around and I was convinced it wouldn't work, but I certainly wasn't getting better by myself. I feel like I've turned a corner now, about 2 and a half months on.
One thing is for sure, the propanolol helped more than I expected it too. Without the physical anxiety symptoms, the mental ones have been hugely diminished. I never suffered horrendous side effects from the cit thanks to the prop, and am only left with one bothersome side effect from the cit - night sweats, but I know these will go over time.
The positive effects of cit have crept up on me slowly, unlike previous meds I have been on in the past, but this last week has been the best in months. The darkest hour comes just before the dawn, or so they say.
Good luck with cit. I know we want to be better as soon as possible, but the process can be so slow we barely notice all the little improvements.
Iggy131313
10-08-12, 09:27
Thanks for the message of support Lauz, not a great start to the day for me, wopke up with quivering limbs, clenched jaw and anxiety but Im waiting for 6/8 weeks, theres no way Im coming this far only to stop and I know they will work in time, just these side effects, My dr says Im very sensitive to ssri meds and thats why they are so bad, great!
My head hurts too and I felt a little sick, its like 1 step forward 2 steps back but hey ho I shall carry on!
Sending you a hug Caroline:hugs:
Not such a great start for me either, I delivered my daughter in the kindergarten and went straight to bed. I feel so tired. And disappointed, I thought i would feel better today...
I also want to thank Lauz, I am on 10 mg fluoxetine and not convinced it is working, have been on it for 5 weeks and having a slooow improvement. I also tried to up it to 20 mg and got very anxious, but I think I have to try again. I had 10 mg this morning and I think I will try to add 5 mg today and see what happens.
---------- Post added at 15:50 ---------- Previous post was at 12:26 ----------
So I took 5 mg 1 1/2 hours ago. Feeling a little anxious and nervous. I am so tired of feeling bad...
Iggy131313
10-08-12, 20:30
Day 31
another day, another downer! I awoke in the usual citalopram position, teeth clenched, arms shaking, head aching and with a sense of dread, fear and anxiety, oh the joys. So BOOM I was bolt awake as always, got up, had a ciggy make a coffee (decaf of course) and ordered my hubby out of bed to look after our little one, I then got back into bed and desperatly tried to take my mind off things by reading my book for half an hour...
I got up while my hubby was taking our boy to nursery, did some pots and tried to shake off the anxiety, I had a little cry and felt slightly better for it, its a release isnt it?
Then when hubby got home I wished him a happy birthday and gave him the cards and had another cry, my mother in law came round for a chat and I had another cry...do you see a pattern?
Yep today has been a tearful one, I must have cried 10 times, for no reason really, and every reason.
My headache has lasted all bloomin day, probably 3 days in total but as I have said before it reassures me that SOMETHING is happening, the side effects I am still having every day are as follows
1) hightened anxiety (got to be the worst one, no doubt)
2) episodes of low mood and crying (was not depressed before cit)
3) clenched teeth
4) trembling arms and legs
5) constant weeing (worse than being preggers)
6) headaches
7) vivid dreams
8) slight confusion (not too much now)
9) slight brain fog (again not very much of this)
10) night sweats, day sweats lol
So 10 side effects still wage war on my body and mind, but all of them are weaker than they were last week.
But on a happier note...
This evening I had moments where I felt about 85% normal, they didnt last long but long enough for me to notice them and be grateful. I dare not hope that it may be starting to kick in but Ill take a few moments and treasure them.
Today I had some good achievements too
1) I made my hubby sausage butties for breakfast
2) I walked to the high street again and bought a birthday cake
3) I did some light housework
and the big one is that I took my little boy to bed, its one of the things that for some strange reason was still giving me the horrors, weird isnt it? But true, so I did it, and I read the story and here I am now!
I could not have dreamed of doing those things last week, there were moments last week where I thought if I even moved from how I was lying down the panic would take me over so to be doing normal things around the house etc is a vast improvement.
I have made a desicion today that when I see the dr on Tuesday I am going to get some diazepam, I just cant take much more of this to be honest, a month is long enough for me to cope without something to help me, and if they could help me, Im taking them. I thought Id try just having a 2ml each morning for a week, and then try 1ml for the next week, that will take me up to 7 weeks. I may not even need to take them that often but enough is enough, I feel so vulnerable and weak now and I just need a little respite from it all, Im mentally and physically exhausted, how much can a woman take?
I have also decided that the army could use citalopram as a weapon of mass destruction, spray it in the face of oncoming enemy troops and watch them fall into a quivering blubbering wreck, no bloodshed, you could just step right over them and win the war with no casualties, what do you think? genius eh?
Oh I cant wait for the days that I start to turn around with this and I can rejoice with you all at the wonders of coming out the other side, it cant be long, and I wont disappear, I will share my recovery and joy with you all, and Im sure it will come, all good things come to those who wait, and I have been waiting too long.
Goodnight everyone, and fingers crossed for a good day tomorrow,
oh by the way, my beautiful new niece was born at 9.30 last night, my sis in law brought her round, and guess what? YUP! It made me cry! lol
Congratulations to everyone on the birth of the little one. Your have had some good achievements today, well done, I can agree with the side effects apart from numbers 2,5,6, and 7 which so far I have been lucky enough not to have, I have been 20mg propranalol since Christmas and I wonder if they have helped a bit with the side effects as Laura said but she is on 80mg.
Happy Birthday to your hubby.
Iggy131313
11-08-12, 10:41
Day 32 (4 weeks 3 days)
This time 2 weeks ago, my anxiety was a 10, I tried to go out and made it to the top of the street before having a panic attack and coming home. I went to bed and didnt get up for 3 days, I didnt nothing but shake with uncontrollable anxiety and panic interspersed with sobbing and severe confusion.
Today I have got up with my boy (my hubby is in bed with a hangover) did some rough play (poretending we were ben 10 and turning into various aliens) cleaned the kitchen and then the living room, I still have anxiety perhaps a 2.5/3, but I have to think how far I have come in 2 weeks, maybe in a another 2 weeks I will be better, maybe.
So although Im not noticing much change day to day, there is a huge different between now and 2 weeks ago. x
Well done, so glad that you are feeling more positive today, slow but sure you are getting there. Day 4 on 20 mg, not too bad, a bit more anxious today but nothing major, I think I am worrying about when Bill goes in hospital on Thursday, trouble is I lie awake in the night thinking about these things.
Have a good weekend everyone.
Well done Iggi on your progress,
Yes I too resorted to using Diazepam about 3 weeks in when I was at my worst, also some Propranolol to combat my trembling.
Not long after getting the prescription for these new meds the Citalopram finally started working so I ended up taking about 14 2mg Diazepams over the next few weeks for extra anxiety moments like starting work again and some social events. I took even fewer Propranolols as they didn't seem to do much for me?
Hopefully you will continue to progress and each week notice a difference until there will come a point where you will look back and think what was all the fuss about:yesyes:
ATB ,
Steve.
Iggy131313
11-08-12, 18:15
Day 32 update
Im looking forward to getting some diaz on tuesday, now Ive decided to do it, it will be like a holiday!
Today I was anxious until about 2/3pm and then it melted away, not completely I could feel it like a shadow of its former self but I relaxed and luxuriated in the bliss of peace. lovely!
I went to the shops again, so thats a 15 min walk and same again back, and its now 4 days in a row that I have done it, not bad eh? for a nervous wreck?
45 mins till I take my daily dose and Im making a lovely chicken ceaser salad for tea, then its my favourite time of the day at the moment...bed time!
Sad but 2 reasons for it
1) It is the time I have the least anxiety and least pressure, I can just relax and read or watch the tudors on my laptop
2) It signifies another day done and another step towards my recovery.
I hope your right Steve, and I have moments of clarity when I see that you are, I think the diaz will give me a good rest and some respite and it REALLY cant be longer than another 2 weeks before the cit kicks some ass!
Will update as usual tomoz..keep strong people!!
Yes those precious moments of clarity will get longer and longer and you will eventually turn a corner where you will feel good more than you feel bad!
Don't expect to feel better than before you had anxiety problems, it's not how these tablets work. They just restore you to how you were before anxiety and don't make people feel artificially 'high'.
I just wanted you to know this so you don't expect some marvellous euphoric buzz of the Cit'.
ATB,
Steve.
Iggy131313
11-08-12, 20:50
thanks steve, no I know that, I only had 1 panic attack my first in about 2 years and stupidly I asked for the cit because I had been on it years ago I thought it would just help in case I had another one, thats why Im in such shock about how I am now, I was never really an anxious person, certainly never depressed.
I had a terrible lung disorder years ago and was put on cit to help me becaise i was so scared. I came off them no probs last year and never thought much about it.
5 weeks ago i had a feeling in my chest that reminded me of that time in my life, i got scared that the illness was coming back but it wasnt, i had a panic attack and went running to the drs the next day to ask for the cit again...that leads me here.
all i want is to go back to normal, had i known the consequences of restarting cit i never would have asked for it, and i feel that the dr should have offered me something like beta blockers as i dont usually have any issues with anxiety/depression. i mean 1 panic attack in 2 years is nothing is it? and it was pretty understandable as i reminded of the worst time in my life (this past month is now the second worst time in my life)
So all I want the cit to do is to get me back on track, it will do that wont it?
Yes definitely it will get you back on track.
It's unfortunate that something triggered your anxiety again but that's how it works and those thoughts can start to fester away even though at first the panics are rare and you are just about on top of the problem.
An SSRI like Cit is the best thing medication wise to sort this out. A beta-blocker probably would not have helped on it's own it just relieves symptoms of anxiety not fixing the root cause.
I have no doubt at all you will soon be feeling well again.
Steve:)
Iggy131313
11-08-12, 21:05
star. xx
I agree with Steve with regards to the beta blockers, I have been on them since Christmas, they helped with my heart rate, upset tum but not much else as the nagging anxiety was always there that is why I'm now on the cit.
Iggy131313
12-08-12, 10:55
and how are you feeling? has your anxiety settled down yet?
Not yet, it is quite bad today, woke up with it but thought it may have worn off by now, what sort of a day are you having? a good one I hope.
Iggy131313
12-08-12, 16:07
Day 33 (4 weeks 5 days)
I read alot of posts where people are saying that Citalopram gave them their life back, well I tell you how I feel
CITALOPRAM HAS TAKEN MY LIFE FROM ME
This morning I woke up with anxiety crawling all over me, teeth clenched, sweating like a pig, a new thing for me was that I was tired, usually I wake up with a bang but today I couldnt face getting out of bed.
I managed to get back to sleep but it was a very troubled sleep and I could feel the anxiety chewing away at me. I got up at 10.45 and sobbed and wailed for at least an hour because ITS NOT DAMN FAIR! I had a normal happy life up until 5 weeks ago when I started this drug and it feels like its striped away all my happy feelings and all my capabilitys, I am left being an anxious wreck who cant look after my child, cant go out of the house and cant function like a normal person.
All I have done today is cry and sob in deep self pity, I NEED a break from it now, 5 weeks of it is too much to bear. My head is aching and I feel mega dizzy today. My hubby has taken our boy out with some old friends, I really really wanted to be able to go, it is something I would usually look forward to and enjoy but Im not included anymore, I just hid away in the bedroom until they went out.
Maybe the diazepam will help me when I get some on Tuesday but Im so scared that Im gonna be like this forever, ITS NOT FAIR ITS NOT FAIR!
I went to the corner shop in a dizzy daze and watched other people going about their business, having fun, and I think, THATS HOW I WAS, oh god, why cant I just get back to normal, I damn the day I went to the doctors and got this shit.
I know I may feel different when it starts to work, I bloody well hope I do anyway buts its so so hard and I feel so alone and lonely, no one really knows how bad I feel, its shattered me to pieces and I cant cope with it anymore.
Im sobbing away now and I think, some anti depressant this is, Ive never been so depressed in my life.
Everyday I wake up into this nightmare of wishing the days away and desperatly trying to fill my time and keep the anxiety and pain at bay, but it doesnt work, it just doesnt work and Im exhausted with the mental strain.
Sorry to be so glum but I have to get out how Im feeling and I have to be honest. To be fair, I dont really mind the sobbing and crying, it relieves some of the anxiety and thats the worst feeling in the world, it also makes me know for sure that the cit hasnt started working yet, but Jesus I wish it would, and when Its finished its raging campaign on my brain and my emotions it had better give me back my life.
If im feeling any better later I will update but being a well brought up women perhaps I should stick with, if you havnt got anything nice to say...
---------- Post added at 16:07 ---------- Previous post was at 13:25 ----------
still crying 3 hours on, good lord what a silly young thing i am... i guess this is a bad day?
Gotagetthroughthis
12-08-12, 17:02
Hi Iggy, sounds like you are going through a really rough time and I feel for you, I hope the Citalopram starts to work for you very soon.
I am also on cit but im only a week in. Im on here and in the chat room most of the time if you ever want to talk.
You will get through this.
Iggy131313
12-08-12, 18:02
Day 33 update
Ive stopped crying! I think Id better write today off as a bad day and hope that tomorrow is a better one, I still have a very heavy foggy head and a headache and I feel very down and low but not too much anxiety.
This is a hard journey and one I will never forget, if I live to tell the tale lol!
Roll on tuesday when I can get my hands on some diazepam, and lets see if the tone of my blog changes then, a diazepam holiday!! I plan to take a 2ml in the morning for a couple of days, to give myself a rest then I will have a day off the diaz to monitor my progress. I dont like the thought of having the diaz as its hard to know how Im feeling but then again, this isnt really how Im feeling either, its just how the cit is making me feel. I could go to the dr tomorrow and get some but I want to see my own dr, and she understands what Im going through.
So 1 more day after today to get through before I go on my diaz hols, and I ask again if anyone says a prayer today, please include me, I need all the help I can get. xx
I will include you in my prayers:hugs:
I am also going through bad days. (5 weeks on fluoxetine)
We will get through this
Iggy131313
13-08-12, 09:05
Day 34 (4weeks 6 days)
ok so I have woken up in a much better frame of mind this morning. The nasty anxiety feeling is not really there, once again I feel nervous, and fearful of the anxiety itself but if I have some diaz, I wouldnt take one now.
once the cit kicks in will it take away the fear of anxiety?
---------- Post added at 09:05 ---------- Previous post was at 08:06 ----------
1 hour on and Im still feeling ok, in fact, dare I say this out loud...this is the best I have felt in a long time! Im almost excited at the thought that things may be starting to move on for me.
But its really hard to trust this feeling, it could easily all fall down ontop of me. but could this be the beginning of the end? could it really be starting to work?
As I said before the fear of the anxiety is still there, Im so scared of my own mind and how it can turn around and bite me on the bum. I still have a mild headache and my limbs were a little trembly but no anxiety, I would describe how Im feeling as a bit nervous and worried about this feeling going away.
I ask again, when the cit is working properly will it take away those fears? perhaps I need to have more days feeling ok than anxious to teach myself to stop fearing it, did anyone else feel like this? and does the cit take it away?
I'm so pleased to hear that your day is starting well and I hope it continues, gives me hope, I'm now on day 26 and day 6 of taking the 20mg, I wonder if it will take longer with me as I was only on 10mg for 2 weeks, we will have to see, the mornings always seem worse but once I get going it's not so bad.
Have a good day, Christine xx
Iggy131313
13-08-12, 11:40
day 34 update
Yip Yip, yes do you hear me? I said YIP YIP!!!!!
Crazy, one day feel like shit but today I am filled with HOPE, HOPE!!!!!!!!
I have a new coping mechanism, and its the thought of the diaz. The thing that gets to me at the moment is the FEAR of the anxiety, and if I have some diazepam then if I feel anxious and I can take one and the anxiety will go away, so what is there to fear? NOTHING!
I can make it go away and it wont stand a chance, and by eliminating the fear I can stop feeding into my anxiety and help myself recover....AT THE CIT ISNT EVEN WORKING YET!!!
Ha Ha Ha!! Im going to beat this people, yes I am, what a change from yesterday, I told you it was like the suicide pills on blackadder, my mood is the polar opposite of yesterday. I feel stronger, happier, and more hopeful than I have in a very very long time (well 5 weeks). and feel like I have defences in place with just the THOUGHT of diazepam!
Maybe this will change, but my fears are eased and with them going perhaps all the other stuff will go, yes I still have a headache and I still stink like the devil in the morning after a good nights sweating and dreaming crazy crazy dreams but I can take all of those side effects, do your worst citalopram (no, no, I take that back, dont do your worst).
I hope this lasts the day, my hubby is taking our little one out to buy new shoes so I have some relaxing time, hmmmm what shall I watch, Harry Potter? Twilight? or more tudors, but Im trying to save the tudors as I only have 2 episodes left and cant afford to buy series 3, booooo! unless anyone knows where I can view them?
So thats my morning update and It couldnt be better could it? To those suffering, try the diazepam thought trick, its working for me!
"diazepam thought trick" :D
I will try that!
Love to read your posts, it is helping me getting through my fluoxetine struggle.
Iggy131313
13-08-12, 14:18
Thanks Piano, same here, its nice to have someone else who understands, stay strong sister and remember
WE ARE NOT AFRAID!!!
Iggy131313
13-08-12, 19:15
Day 35 update - 7pm
ah, so THATS what a good day feels like!! I stayed strong throughout today using my new found diazepam trick! My anxiety tried to get me from about 5pm - 7pm but again I thought, hmmm, would I take a diaz if I had some and the answer was, no Id try to ride this out, and they were only little spikes.
So drs tomoz to get my weapon of Diazepam and then its time to kick some serious anxiety ass!
Im also going to get a sick note, I cant believe I am coming to the end of the 6 weeks holidays already and I have had THE WORST six weeks holiday EVER! In 7 years of working in education! Its been the pits and I know that there is still some of my journey left to go, but I feel that once Im armed with Diazepam I can lose some of the fear I have been holding onto and therefore holding back my recovery.
The cit hasnt kicked in yet, I know that because I was crying all day yesterday and theres no way that its just kicked in overnight, I know it doesnt work like that, and I am aware that tomorrow may bring me bad feelings but as I said, I feel less afraid and wonder why I have been putting off getting the diaz for so long.
I think I was very afraid of its addictive nature, but reading the diaz thread on here has made me realise that you have to take it regularly and for quite a while for it to become addictive.
And if Im only using it when I TRULY need to then it can only help me. and just to have it and know that I dont have to put up with the anxiety and can stop being so afraid of it, its like my whole approach to this, and my mind set has changed.
God Bless Diazepam, thats what I say!
As I said to Piano earlier, after the terrible 7/7 bombings on London, people were putting up the posters around that said WE ARE NOT AFRAID, and neither shall I be anymore, the fear just feeds the anxiety and Im going to be ruthless with my anxiety, it will not scare me anymore.
I have been trembling this evening, a little, and also noticed that my teeth are slightly clenched, in time with the little spikes of anxiety.
I went to visit my sis and brother in law with my hubby and son (they only live 5 doors down from us so its not a big achievement) so luckily that coincided with my spikes of anxiety but holding a 2 day old baby and chatting with my sis about childbirth was a good distraction. But I tell you what I would rather give birth with no pain relief than start this journey again, blinkin nightmare eh people?
I will update tomoz and let you all know how Im doing, please please let this be the start of better times, keep your fingers crossed for me.
xxxxxCarolinexxxxx
Iggy131313
14-08-12, 08:33
Day 35 (5 weeks today)
POO!! My dr isnt in today so I have to see someone else, bloody hell! I could have done that yesterday! My apoointment is at 10, I hope she gives me the diaz, she should do, and Im not leaving without them.
I hate seeing someone new, especially as I know this dr is totally miserable and not sympathetic at all. I need a sick note too but maybe Ill see my own dr next week.
My poor little boy wet the bed at 4am and when I woke to help him (me and hubby together, its a joint task) my side effects were very present, I fely numb on one side of my head and seemed to be having some DP, My teeth were hurting they were so clasped together and I was shaking like a leaf, I thought 'its ok just get back to sleep' but once I got in bed my mind was racing nd my heart beating so hard!
I lay awake for a good hour or more before I managed to drift back off to sleep until 8am.
when I woke up my teeth were still at it, grinding away quite fiercely and my limbs are trembling away, Im still managing my anxiety and the fear of it with the diazepam secret weapon so thats one good thing but Im feeling a bit low and down in the dumps.
Still I have hit the 5 weeks mark, I cant believe its been so long, I must be over half way through this by now, Im hoping in another 3 weeks (8 weeks) I really notice a difference! I will report back after I have seen the doc!
fashionroadkill
14-08-12, 11:31
Good luck at the Docs & Hope you start to feel some effect of the cit soon and that you get some diazapam to help you through this. Diazepam was what got me to relax off my panic initially & to get some decent sleep which I needed at the time.xx
Iggy131313
14-08-12, 12:12
Thanks matey!! xx Glad your doing well.
Day 35 (week 5) update
So Im back, I saw the nasty ass doctor who after I had sobbed and wailed at her about how citalopram has smashed me to bits said, 'ok, what do you want me to do?!'....hmm, how about some support, reassurance and helpful suggestions.
But just just asked for the diazepam, which she gave me and I left.
So I am now armed and dangerous, and my anxiety knows it, its running scared! HA! Now it knows how I have felt for the past 5 weeks, it hasnt even dared to raise its ugly head and say hello, it must know that Ive got the big guns out now and I will show no mercy, your well for it anxiety, mwaa ha ha!!
But I have felt, once again quite low and depressed, but I can cope with low and depressed, its not something Im used to feeling as Im usually a very happy go lucky type person and I know that the cit isnt working, because if it was, depressed is certainly not a feeling I would be having!
So 5 weeks in now, this morning on the way to the drs I took my little boy to nursery, that was one of things that was still giving me the horrors, but I was fine(ish) and after the drs I went to the high street and got the bits and bobs in for tea, no anxiety, just feeling low...but thats progress isnt it?
Im gonna go and do some tidying up for a bit and then come back and see how everyones getting on...xx
Good to hear that you are feeling better. I am not feeling ok, I am very depressed right now:weep:
I was at the doctor today too. He said I would have to wait another week for the effects of fluoxetine.
Please include me in your prayers... I really need some comfort now.
Iggy131313
14-08-12, 13:14
:hugs: I know the feeling darling, I really do. But it WILL NOT LAST!
Sometimes, although its a very depressing thought in itself, I think how many women would swap places with us right now? There are women (and men) whos children are terminally ill or desperately poorly, now if that was us (god forbid) we would take any pain for our children wouldnt we? ANYTHING!
So sometimes I think I am going through this to save my little boy, and if anything was wrong with him, I would take this pain and be grateful for it, a million times over!!
Im with you, and im giving you the biggest hug ever!:bighug1:
You are doing so so well, and you really dont have long to go now, I know its so much to bear and the sorrow is a burden, but it WILL be a distant memory and you will so much better for it.
If in a couple of weeks its not much better then quite simply you need to increase your dose, if that happens you have had the flux in your system for so long that the increase will hardly have any side effects, if any.
Im really proud and impressed by your strength and courage and my goodness I know how much it takes, every day that passes brings us both a step closer, and soon we will not just be coping, we will be LIVING!!!!!
Thank you:hugs:
I really hope fluoxetine will work for me. My dr said I will have to use it for at least 6 months...
Iggy131313
14-08-12, 15:53
its 3.45 and my anxiety has picked up over the past hour, I tried to ignore it but I have given in and taken a 2mg diazepam, when I was getting it out and taking it my anxiety increased because Im scared of it, Im scared it will make me worse, or make me more panic filled than I already am!
will I be ok?
I think it should kick in in the next half hr or so, is that right? Im also scared it will knock me oput and Ill be lieing in bed all afternoon, I dont know why would scare me but I just want it to make me feel normal not render me useless, gosh this is scary.
If it does knock me out then next time I could try a 1mg couldnt I, and if it doesnt take my anxiety away then I could try a 3mg next time?
Has anyone else had increased anxiety as a side effect for this long? I mean 5 weeks? Its just so ridiculous!
Iggy131313
15-08-12, 09:38
Day 36 (5 weeks 1 day)
I had a lie in this morning, hubby got up and I went back to sleep till 9, again it was not a comfortable sleep but considering I couldnt even contemplate gettingback to sleep in the past few weeks I supose its good, but it didnt feel good really.
When I got out of bed I could feel my anxiety rising and my heart was beating hard and fast, my hands were shaking alot too and I could feel myself starting to give into the anxiety and let it overwhelm me.
So I took a diaz at 9.30 and lets see how that goes, just another 2mg but if later it picks up alot I will try a 3mg tablet and see if that works any better.
Im very tired of it now, sick to bloody death of it and now I wake up in the morning and think oh god not another day to get through. My life is so shit at the moment and it shouldnt be, I have a nice life but still believe these tablets have taken it all away.
So I shall see how this diaz does with calming my mind over the next hour and will report back.
Iggy131313
15-08-12, 14:15
Day 36 Update
I have now woken up, so the 2mg diaz knocked me out for hours, but at least when your asleep you cant feel awful.
I have taken back to my bed and dont feel like trying to live a normal life for a few days, I just want to stay in bed where I feel safe, I wish there was someone to look after me. My hubby loves me and puts up with whats going on but he just tries to ignore me most of the time.
Anyway so thats what im going to do today stay in bed a feel sorry for myself. x
I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time, Iggy. I hope that you get relief soon. Thinking of you and sending you love & hugs:bighug1:
Dear Iggy, I have also spent the whole day in bed. I just couldn't face the world today.
Sending you a hug:hugs:
Iggy131313
16-08-12, 08:11
Day 37 (5 weeks 2 days)
So I have got up with the little man this morning, no overwhelming anxiety but once again an obvious fear of the day, and the world. I am trying to reassure myself that all I have to do today is go back to bed soon and rest for the day.
I have decided that I want to spend a week in bed where I feel at my safest and most relaxed, its not ideal I know that but its the only place I actually feel comfortable.
So 1 week in bed, resting and trying to recover with as much stress off me as possible, I now have series 3 of the tudors so I can watch that all day and read in between. I also have my book, yes I really had hoped that I would be better by now and a part of me thinks I should be trying harder and pushing myself but after over 5 weeks of this nightmare I think the depression has really hit home over what Ive been going through and Ive kinda lost hope, and lost the will to try.
Maybe when they start ti kick in I will have the motivation to try to help myself get better but I simply dont have the energy or the will to even try.
At the 6 week mark, thats when Ive decided to try and push myself and I feel comforted that I am allowing myself a little more time to rest and opt out of the world.
I took a diaz last night to help me sleep as I had slept so much during the day and if my anxiety flares up today I will guzzle another one, let the sleep come.
Woke up tired again agin today, but I dont know if thats a change to the cit side effects or if its the diaz, Ill try not to take one tonight and see how I am in the morning tomorrow.
Gosh Im depressed, oh well, Ill wake up my nubby in an hour to take over with our baby boy and then I shall get back into bed and into my sanctuary.
Hi Iggy,
You are right to be kind to yourself at this time. An hour or so after I take my medication I'm going to have a bath as this relaxes your muscles which carry a lot of tension and causes horrible headaches and dizziness and panic attacks. Do what you need to do to get through this.
Try not to focus on next month or next week. Just take one day at a time. Each night I write a list of things to do the following day so I'm not worrying when I am trying to sleep.
Try to be kind to yourself and do things that relax you and distract you from your side effects. You are in my thoughts :hugs:
Dear Iggy, I think its a good idea to hide in the bed, I did that yesterday, and it felt like my brain suddenly started to let the fluoxetine start to do som cleanup. I just lay in bed relaxing and let fluoxetine do its job. Maybe it is starting to kick in, but after the last 5 hellish weeks I am not convinced...
:flowers: I'm thinking of you Iggy, you'll be fine:hugs:
Iggy131313
16-08-12, 14:37
Thanks guys for your reassuring words, my god Ineed them so much....
Day 37 (5 weeks 2 days) update
Its 2.30pm and the 2mg Diaz that I took at 9.30 did its job and knocked me out until now, Ive once again just woken up...and guess what? yup big surprise.. shaking like a leaf, teeth clenching, headache and slight feelings of dread and fear, oh hello crying, it only took 10 mins for that to start then!
Its terrible because although my dreams are vivid Im normal in them and when I wake up BOOM I remember that Im not normal anymore Im in a living hell.
Maybe all the sleep will be good for me though and help my brain heal faster? only 5 more days until I reach the 6 week mark, although I fear that it will just be another terrible disappointment just like the 4 week mark. But eventually SURELY somethings got to happen.
The depression is quite bad now which is a total joke as I have never been depressed before, a combination of the drugs still suppressing serotonin and the terrible ordeal I have been through in these weeks I suppose!
Im going to try to see my dr tomorrow, not the nasty one that I saw on Tuesday, and ask her for some more diaz and ask her advice on whats happening to me, she was talking about me going down to 10mg for a while to ease up these side effects but Im not sure if thats the right thing to do after all this time, anyway Ill see what she says.
So Im now back in bed, bemoaning my life and wishing and praying that things soon get better. xx
Hi miss Iggy.
So true about the dreams.
While you were in bed, you could have been working on the advent calendar:D !!!!.
Anyhow, are you feeling a bit better tonight.
Hope things go ok with the doc.
As D:Ream once sang "things can only get better"
Shame that was not the case for their songs.
:)
Iggy131313
16-08-12, 18:54
heehee, hi merlin, nice to see you again, the post made me smile, in todays advent calender I got...1 citalopram, 1 diazepam and a picture of someones head splitting open in agony! hoorah!
and terribel bloody news re the dr, I called today and shes gone on holiday! wont be in tomoz or all week next week! shocker!!
So I will have to see the stingy diaz dr next week and perhaps challenge her to an arm wrestle or something in exchange for more diaz!
But at least that means that when my dr comes back I will have been taking these things for 7 weeks.
how are you today my wizardy friend?
Todays advent sounds better than getting a little chocolate flavour santa!
Feeling bloody bad this morning.
Managed to take control of my head for a couple of hours this afternoon though.
Had to sort out one of my customers today (mostly old ladies) she spent 15 minutes talking to me on the door step...turned round and tripped up the step and broke a shoulder. Last week I had a police man on a mountain bike crash outside where I was working and had to rush him to hospital with a broken collar bone, what with that and all the customers I have with alzhimers ...would you like a cup of tea....five minutes later...would you like a cup of tea etc etc.. (I do get to do some gardening some times). so life is never boring.
I bet your dr went on holiday because she was tipped off you were on the way in to see her.. Ha Ha
Just off down stairs for a m&s curry and some lager, mmmmmm
then bed and book I think.
Hope you have a good night.
And remember tomorrow is another day
Take care:D
Iggy131313
16-08-12, 20:16
Merlin, you are very funny, your posts always make me smile!
What are you reading? Im nearly finished the Shardlake series by CJ Sanaom, a brilliant series of books set in the reign of Henry VIII about a hunchback lawyer and various deeds he is up to like helping with the dissolution of the monistaries, they are absolutley brilliant, 5 books but Im on the last one now so Im trying not to finish it too quickly.
Sorry today wasnt great for you, in your advent calender therefore I think you got a bandage and some false teeth with a piccie of an ambulance to depict your day!
When are you seeing the hypnosis person?
:bighug1: huge hugs to you my love xxx
Iggy131313
17-08-12, 08:00
Day 38 (5 weeks 3 days)
goodness me I feel very groggy this morning!! Could that be the diaz still having effect even though I only took 2mg 24 hours ago?
Anyway I have got up, done the dished that were left and will soon get my little one ready for nursery before popping another diaz and hopefully getting a few more hours sleep.
I thought Id find it difficult to sleep last night as the 9.30am diaz had me alseep until 2.30pm but I fell asleep at 10.30pm no problem and slept through until 7.30 when my little angel cam to wake us up.
So Im very curious to know if its taking a morning diaz thats making me more tired in the morning or if in fact the cit isnt waking me up with such a JOLT anymore?? Any ideas people?
Anyways I will report back after sleeping away some of this day. xx
Morning Iggy
Sorry to see you had a bad knight.
Mine was good. For about 3 hours before I went to seep I felt just like a normal person ...fantastic, have not had that for months. I will call it "anti anxiety" like matter and anti matter ha ha. Back to the usual today though.
I am reading Hiding from the light by Barbara Erskine at the moment. Loosely based on the witch finder general whose spirit and some of his victims spirits stat to disrupt the present. ... Quite good.
If you want a few good books to read try "the pillars of the earth" followed by "world with out end" by ken follet. (historical) book 1 set in 12th century and book 2 set about a hundred years later. very good books. very factual. shows the rise and fall of various families through the centuries.
The book thief is another good book ..... about events during the second world war ..don't let that put you off ...Look it up on the net. It is very good.
I will have to look u the books you are reeding. They sound just up my street. I have not heard of CJ Sanaom.
Don't know when seeing the hypnosis/shrink. She hasn't got back to me yet.
I will probably have a few days off from the site now as I have got a very busy few days. And I don't want to get addicted Ha Ha.
Hope you have a good weekend, some fun and hope the drugs start do their stuff.
Take care. iggy :yesyes:
Must get off to work now. As sooty used to say..."issy wissy lets get busy"
Thinking of you and hoping that you find some relief today :hugs: xxx
Iggy131313
17-08-12, 12:26
Day 38 (5 weeks 3 days) update
hmmm, seems like the 2mg diaz is not knocking me out for as long or as throughly as the past couple of days but I know its a weak dose.
I went back to bed after taking my 2mg and had a fitful sleep until 11.30am, when I got up I was shaking, anxiety quite high and boom headache appears. I came back to bed for a couple of mins and then went back down to make a coffee (decaf of course!).
And then the sobbing began, crying for my life that has been ruined, crying that I have to live through yet another hellish day and trying to think of something that may be able to help me.
Mr dr was talking about taking me down to 10mg for a month but surely that will prolong the pain as 10mg isnt even a thereputic dose, although is that true in someone as sensitive as I am to ssris?
I keep reading the Wiki explanation as it reassues me whats happening
SSRIs inhibit the reuptake of the neurotransmitter serotonin (5-hydroxytryptamine or 5-HT) into the presynaptic cell, increasing levels of 5-HT within the synaptic cleft.
However, there is one counteracting effect: high serotonin levels will not only activate the postsynaptic receptors, but also flood presynaptic autoreceptors, which serve as a feedback sensor for the cell. Activation of the autoreceptors (by agonists like serotonin) triggers a throttling back of serotonin production. The resulting serotonin deficiency persists for some time, as the transporter inhibition occurs downstream to the cause of the deficiency and therefore, is not able to counterbalance the serotonin deficiency. The body adapts gradually to this situation by lowering (downregulating) the sensitivity of the autoreceptors.[82]
These (slowly proceeding) neurophysiological adaptations of the brain tissue are the reason why usually several weeks of continuous SSRI use is necessary for the antidepressant effect to become fully manifested,[83] and why increased anxiety is a common side effect in the first few days or weeks of use.
[edit]
lol, or months of use!!!!
I have truly now sunk into a depression, I have zero motivation even to move and have really forgotten what its like to feel happy, I tried to smile yesterday but it was so alien and so contradictory to how I feel that I just felt silly!
But that wiki explanation makes sense of how Im feeling, obviously my brain is experiencing the throttling back of seritonin and cannot counterbalance it yet, and Im playing the waiting game, but I must say, this is the worst game I have ever played, its shit, its worse than WHO KNOWS WHOS NOSE that my son insists on playing all the time.
I was having a laugh with Merlin the other day saying Im going to invent a Citalopram/SSRI advent calender...it will be a 6-8 week advent calender that contains your tablet and perhaps other goodies like diaz and the pictures will be of clenching teeth, or sweaty armpits, or even someone having a huge panic attack, but end on the last day, like christmas, with a big smile, awe!!
So today, once again, I got, 1 citalopram, 1 2mg diazepam, a packet of tissues to wipe away those tears and a picture of a pair of hands trembling! lucky me!! lol
My gorgeous 3 year old came home from nursery yesterday and told his daddy that he wanted to pick some flowers to bring home to mummy to make her better.
He brought me a daisy and 2 stems of lavender, so sweet and of course made me cry like a baby, he then said that he needed the daisy back as he had hurt his lip at nursery so I have to relinquish the daisy but I have the 2 stems of lavender with me now and I keep smelling them, reminding myself that my baby loves me and I love him so much my heart aches, he is my joy and my own heart.
Im just so sad that I cant be the mummy I was to him just 5 weeks ago, I still speak to him and cuddle him and let him know that his mummy loves him more than ANYTHING in the world and hes so young that he will never remember this time, but its ME I WANT to be with him, and I WANT to enjoy him like I used to instead of being around him making me cry, Im sure those of you with children relate to what Im saying.
Anyway, once again im going to spend the day in bed, Im gonna make a drs appointment tonight for monday with the nasty dr again and get some more diaz off her, but more than bloody 7! does she think Im made of money?? I cant be spending £8 a week on diaz when she could give me a little supply, its was the DRS who put me into HELL and they can bloody well give me something to ease the pain and the burden! so there!
Sparkle1984
17-08-12, 14:01
Hi Iggy, you don't have to spend £8 a week on prescription charges. Did you know it's possible to buy a prepayment certificate which could work out cheaper?
This is what it says on the NHS website:
If you will have to pay for more than 3 prescription items in 3 months, or more than 13 items in 12 months, you may find it cheaper to buy a PPC. The charge for a single prescription item is £7.65, whereas a three month PPC will cost you £29.10 and a 12 month PPC £104.00.
If you google the phrase "prepayment prescription" the details should come up.
Iggy131313
17-08-12, 17:18
Day 38 (5 weeks 3 days) update 5.10pm
Time for some citalopram Banter or Citalibanter as I like to call it....well enough is enough people and I cant take this ANYMORE!
Action has to be taken, I have made a drs appointment for Monday Morning and tonight I am going to start taking 10mg instead of 20mg, my noraml dr (Dr Nice) told me start doing that if my side effects were still bad at 4 weeks, well I have given them an extra week and a half and they are still tormenting me badly so Im going to do down in dosage.
THEN....when I see the dr on Monday, Dr Nasty as Dr Nice is on holiday (and I agree with Merlin this was probably because she was tipped off I was coming heehee) Im going to speak to her about putting me on Escitalopram instead, Laura and Serenitie have both advocated it and Im inclined to believe them.
Who knows, maybe just by reducing my dose to 10mg I may feel an improvement but I simply cant carry on like this, my mood has lifted now as it does in the afternoon and Im not anxious at all, In fact I feel quite jolly, hey, maybe somethings kicking in you never know but Im certainly up for some citalibanter with anyone who fancies it, but I think its because I have made that decision and I feel like I have a little more control over whats happening to me.
Dont get me wrong, Im not happy, Im as miserable as can be but perhaps escitalopram is the answer, I will get some 5mg diaz to help me through the first couple of weeks, although perhaps after taking the Citalopram for so long before starting esc it may ease the way, kinda like having your second child!
Of course I would prefer a general anesthestic for a couple of weeks, but I dont think you can get that on prescription even with a prepayment card (thanks sparkle for the advice though. xx)
So I give you leave ladies and gentlemen I can hear my hubby arriving home with my angel!
Hi Iggy.
I have broken my weekend vow of silence for you. I won't tell anyone if you don't.
Remember what you said to me the other day. Grasp the nettle etc.
You have a lot going for you (but you know that already).
You have a wicked sense of humour. You cheered me up!
You have got a wonderful son. He won't want to see his mommy crying.
Remember IT WILL GET BETTER!!!!.
Have you eaten today! If not...do so. you may not feel like it but it will do you good.
Have a nice warm bath and try and relax. I know it's hard and easier said than done.
We know what you are going through.
Have you tried the chat room. That may help at times. I gave it a go once or twice. It's not too bad as long as there aren't too many people on line at the same time.......I cant keep up with ten people talking at once... Ha Ha.
Must go now. I will do a couple of wizzardy spells for you:D
I am sure serenitie will be thinking of you too.
Contact you next week.
All the best:bighug1:
Iggy131313
17-08-12, 17:42
awe Merlin, I always look forward to your posts, thanks for breaking your silence! Im pleased to hear from you :)
Your very very kind and theres no one MORE up for citalibanter than you!
My comp doesnt seem to like the chatroom, it wont let me on, oh and by the way I have read both those ken follet books, and loved them, but I still rate CJ SANSOM more! and that, by the way, is the correct spelling, I did a little typo before, whoops"!
Yeah, Im eating ok, I went down to 6.5 stone in the first few weeks and am now 7.5 but I want to put another stone on, Ive always been slim but now I look a little bit ill!
Dont stay away too long, your great company and you too cheer me up lots. xx
Here is a big hug for you, Iggy:hugs:
Iggy131313
18-08-12, 08:54
Day 39 (5 weeks 4 days)
I chickened out last night and within an hour of taking the 10mg, I went and took the other half, so had my daily dose of 20mg, My anxiety started to tell me that 10mg was going to make me have withdrawal side effects and that I was giving up when Im so close to the 6 week mark.
I thought it had a point so I took the other 10mg, I mean, only 3 days until I reach 6 weeks and I know Im not going to wake up that day and be better but once I hit 6 weeks I will be alot closer to 8 weeks and I hope so badly that in that 2 weeks my days will start to get better.
But disaster has struck, my husband is ill!! He was burning up with a massiv temperature through the night, not good for him, but even worse for me!! I have got up and left him in bed because neither of us got any sleep last night, and I cant make him get up when he is poorly, I can only hope, for his sake and mine, that he picks up a bit later and can give me a break looking after my little one.
I woke up with the jitters, my arms shaking and my anxiety there but not too strong, once again its more a fear of the day, I have a slight headache and Im still no where near myself, bring on the next couple of weeks, Ive heard alot of people say they started to pick up between 6 and 8 weeks and I hope and pray that its the same for me. x
Sparkle1984
18-08-12, 15:19
Good luck, I hope you'll start to feel better in a couple of weeks! :)
Thinking of you Iggy & sending you huge hugs :bighug1: I'm glad you are going to see your GP on Monday to discuss your options. You have shown such strength and determination in the face of much suffering. You may be near the finishing line at 8 weeks, but it is good to have options if there is no change. You should see results by 8 weeks. If not a switch to escitalopram cannot hurt xxx
I went through this 2 years ago and can honestly not remember how long it took to gte better (probably around 3 months). I didn't know about all the side effects and the doctor didn't tell me, so I was just totally freaked out all the time. My daughter was 3 at the time and I felt really, really bad that I couldn't spend any quality time with her, but I did get better and she doesn't remember a thing about it. It was diazapam and getting back to work that finally sorted me out, although the citalapram probably had a lot to do with it.
I'm back to extreme anxiety and depression again though after a series of traumatic events and back to my usual. I know I can get out of it - I did the last time! I'm not going to take any time off work though (no matter how terrible I feel) as that made it worse.
I'm thinking of you and wish you all the best. Don't feel guilty about your son not getting attention, At that age they're quite happy whatever they do. Keep your chin up and all the best.
Iggy131313
18-08-12, 19:32
Thanks Dez, are you off the cit now? are you considering going back on it?
and thanks to you serenitie and sparkle. xx
---------- Post added at 19:32 ---------- Previous post was at 19:25 ----------
Day 39 (5weeks 4 days) update
phew! What a day, its been an improvement on the past few days, my hubby really is ill so it forced me to do everything and as you all know keeping busy is good! My anxiety was there, definitley, I could feel it bothering me but I kept going, I had no choice!!
I played Mario Galaxy on the Wii because mt little lad would sit and watch me do that all day and it also occupies my mind and hands at the same time, I didnt particularly want to play it but it did the job for a couple of hours. Then I went out to the shops in the high street and the supermarket got all the stuff in for tea and went to my favorite bookshop and bought 'The Hunger Games' that a friend has recommended.
When I got home I played more Mario to entertain my boy, made everyone lunch, did some colouring in with Freddie, and then had a bath and gave Freddie a bath too!
Not bad considering Ive been unable to get out of bed for the past few days eh?
Serenitie, its you that I kept thinking of and how you are keeping going, and of course, like I said, I had no choice with my hubby out of action.
I also was able to give my hubby a lesson in how to look after someone when there poorly.
I have washed the bedding as he was sweating all over it (lol, like Im one to talk) and will make the bed back up soon.
So not a good day, not by any means, I did everything but was uncomfortable the whole time and aware of the nagging anxiety but I achieved alot. xx
Iggy, you accomplished a lot today:)
Big hug for you:hugs:
dez: Thank you for the encouragement (I'm struggling with fluoxetine (soon 6 weeks), my days are very similar to Iggy's)
This is huge progress, Iggy! :hugs: Not just in how much you got done today, but your attitude in this post is completely different. You are being kind to yourself and recognising your achievements. Good for you!
The discomfort of anxiety will pass if you take away the fear of it that keeps you in it's grip. It is hard. But the more you let it wash over you and don't give it attention the more it loses its grip over you.
I don't see you coming out of this process anything other than stronger and better able to cope with anything after all you've been through.
Well done! :bighug1: xxx
Iggy131313
19-08-12, 10:24
Thanks Serenitie, but once the cit kicks in, wont that take away the feeling of anxiety? The cbt that you listen to, do you think you could email it to me? I may find it really helpful?
---------- Post added at 10:03 ---------- Previous post was at 09:57 ----------
Day 40!! (5 weeks 5 days)
wowzers, I had some horrible dreams last night, so much so that when I woke up needing a wee, I didnt dare go!! It took half an hour of tellingmyself it was only a dream before I plucked up the courage to go! lol
I awoke with the usual anxiety and very very trembly this morning, arms, legs and body shaking, but I reassured myself it was just the meds and ina couple of weeks it will be gone.
I still dont quite believe that but I never had anxiety like this before, its the traumatic event of taking citalopram that has led me here.
My hubby is much better thank goodness so hes taking Freddie out to get the days shopping in shortly, I will do some tidying up while their out and then play a bit of Mario with Fred when they return.
I also plan to wash my hair later, read some of my book, I have a sticker book to do with Freddie and I may paint my nails if I feel so inclined.
It scares me Serenitie though to hear you say about taking away the fear of anxiety, because I never had one before starting Cit, will it help protect me from those feelings once it starts to work, I know I have to do my bit too but I really do feel that cit is the CAUSE of my fear, crazy eh?
I will update later!
---------- Post added at 10:24 ---------- Previous post was at 10:03 ----------
And I forgot to add that there is one noticable change which is that in the past week I have not woken up to suddenly and been unable to get back to sleep, I still wake up anxious but is not with such a BANG IM AWAKE AND IM TERRIFIED, now its more like, Im waking up and Im scared, yes the anxietys there and im not comfortable but I can have a little more sleep even if its not the mmost restful, but that must be progress and it must mena than my anxiety is weakening, just a tiny bit, but weakening, do you agree?
Hi Iggy
I know how hard you are trying and how much you have been through. I have attached a link to the citalopram survival guide that you may find helpful
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=46980
You have come very far. I would speak to your GP. I think if you get to the 8 week mark and there is no change a swap is advisable. But please run this past your GP.
You will not feel like this forever. That I promise you, Caroline. The only thing certain in life is change. Your pain and suffering will not last forever even though it must feel this way right now. You have not been permanently effected by citalopram. The trauma will pass trust me. You will look back on this time and realise how strong you were to get through this experience.
Citalopram is heightening your fear of anxiety right now. This is one of the biggest and most painful side effects to bear. It to will pass. Do not focus on the fear as this will give it strength. Think of how busy you were yesterday and how this made the anxiety easier to bear as you did not have the time to give it so much attention.
Play on the computer games, play with your son, paint those nails and do not give the anxiety the chance to be the main feature of your day :yesyes:
Your morning anxiety appears to be lessening which is a really good sign :yesyes:
The CBT I am using is a course available on a 30 day free trial basis. You can sign up by searching CBT4PANIC
:bighug1:xxx
Iggy131313
19-08-12, 20:45
Day 40 (5 weeks 5 days update)
well I tried, I did all the same positive thinking things as yesterday but today was a differnent story all together.
I have been uncomfortable with the anxiety all day but its hit me hard again today with waves of terror and dread washing over me for NO REASON AT ALL, I tried to ignore it but my God it was so strong, when my little boy went to bed and I could stop pretending I fell apart sobbing, I also have had the old brain heat back today which I havent had for weeks, my head has been pounding and my heart beating out of my chest. I lay down with a blanket on the sofa when Freddie went to bed and my hubby said 'look at the blanket' it/I was shaking violently again.
Im at the drs in the morning and I know shes going to ask ME what I want to do but I dont know, Im really scared of changing anything but I cant go on like this, every day EVERY DAY I wish away, each hour that passes is a goal and I HATE my life, I dont hate the things in my life, I love them deeply but I cant enjoy anything, nothing, not my son and my heart is broken with the pain of it.
My side effects are flaring up again, and I wish someone would knock me out and wake me up when its over. This is ridiculous, I have no idea how Ive made it this far, and I really think Im a fool to have suffered so badly for so long in the blind hope that the next day would be better, I wish my proper dr was there tomorrow, Im going to talk to Dr Nasty about escitalopram but Im scared that it will be starting all over again, and perhaps I could reduce the dose of citalopram but will 10mg DO anything apart from keep the side effects going without the benefits?
One option is to get a load of 5mg diaz and take a few a day therefore sleeping for the next 2 weeks, I cant keep going like I am, NOONE would be able to, its not me being weak, truly no one in this world could carry on like this, its worse than torture, I would take ANY physical pain over this horrific nightmare that Im being forced to live everyday.
So on that very depressing note Im going to bed and reading before I wake up to another day of this.
oh, but on a positive note, lol, I washed my hair today which is the first time Ive been able to do it in 6 weeks, filthy eh? not any more!
You are not at all weak, nor a fool, Iggy. No one can understand the agonising side effects of citalopram unless they have been through it themselves. I think that you have shown such bravery and determination :hugs: I hope that you have a productive appointment tomorrow. Be kind to yourself :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:xxx
Iggy, how are you? I've been thinking of you:)
Hugs from me :bighug1:
Hope you're ok? Thinking of you :hugs: xxx
Hi Iggy.
Are you ok? Noticed you have not been keeping up with diary. Has anyone else heard from her?
I've messaged Iggy. Not heard back as yet.
Thinking of you Iggy :hugs:
Thanks Serenitie.
Hope you are doing ok too.
I sent Iggy a pm a few days ago to say good luck with Dr. Nasty etc and not heard a thing since. So hope she is ok. :unsure:
Iggy131313
27-08-12, 13:26
Hello people. Im ok, barely!
I went to see Dr Nasty a weeks ago and she said 'well if these drugs arent working after 4 weeks then they are not going to work, stop taking them and I will start you on Mirt' I sat there and sobbed and said no way.
So I suggested that I cut my dose down to 10mg which I have been taking for the past week. The horrible anxiety has lessened and Ive been able to get up for long streches of the day but then today I came on and my anxiety has raised a little and Ive been crying.
Im going back to the drs tomorrow to ask to be referred to a psychiatrist, Im sick of speaking to drs to obviously know less about the drugs they are giving out than I do.
but Im so unsure of what to do, I feel better for taking less Cit over this past week but Im still shaking, constant peeing, head aches, teeth clenching, the obvious raised anxiety. But I dont know if I feel better because I lowered the dose or because it may be kicking ion, so I have no idea what to do next, stop taking it or try to go up, thats why I need to speak to someone who knows what they are taking about.
I dont want to go down the road of taking one medication after another, not for 1 panic attack every few years, its too drastic, but of course Im concerned that the trauma I have experienced in the last 7 weeks may have long lasting effects and leave me more anxious than I have ever been.
Im depressed guys, I took a little time off the forum because I thought I was obsessing too much and really Ive said it all and its one hellish day after another.
I wish I could turn back time and never have started but I know I cant. I asked about esciitalopram and Dr Nasty said they wouldnt prescribe me that...yes and I know why, the cost.
So tomorrow I am going to ask to be referred as an emergency to a phyc and referred for cbt too.
I truly truly feel that citalopram has ruined my life. Im a shodow of the person I was before taking this medication and I havent felt happy for 2 months, I miss the feeling of happiness, of relaxation of having a peaceful mind, of not bursting into tears at the thought of ANYTHING.
Im very sad. x
Gotagetthroughthis
27-08-12, 13:44
So glad to see your back to update your diary, we were all getting a bit worried so its good your ok thats the main thing.
It does sound like your in a very difficult predicament in deciding what to to with the medication, so hopefully the phyc can help you with that. If going down to 10mg has made you feel slightly better then maybe keep going with that for a week or so and see how you feel, but im no expert and i no it must be so hard to keep up this trial and error.
Anyway good to hear from you and :hugs: for you and I hope things do start to improve for you soon.
Dear Iggy, I am so happy to see you post again!!! :hugs:
Being referred to a psychiatrist is a very good idea! I started feeling better after having my first CBT session last week. (After 6 weeks on fluoxetine). It is probably a combination of the medication slowly kicking in and the CBT which is gradually making me feel better.
I am thinking of you Iggy, lots of hugs for you :bighug1:
Iggy131313
28-08-12, 11:19
7 weeks today
Woke up feeling the usual fear, its not the all consuming terrible anxiety that I had in former weeks and Im unsure if I am creating it or not, shaking arms and legs and a slight headache/and head fog.
Hid away in the bedroom until I heard my hubby take my little boy to nursery and then got up to make a decaf and have a ciggie. Last night I couldnt stop crying, I was a wreck, I just want my life back so much and the depression I have sunk into is horrific.
Im now back in bed and feel safe and ok here, the thing I try to keep thinking is a coule of weeks ago only my son was keeping me alive, Im not saying I was suicidal, but I couldnt see the point of living in this state, the only point would be tat my son has his mother even if Im just putting on an act for his benefit and I would never take that away from him.
Now I think that even if this was me for the rest of my life, a quivering wreck yes but not as overwhelmingly then I could live that life. I have been considering things I would have thought utterly ridiculous before starting cit, Im thinking that I cannot continue to put my family through this and Im certainly no longer a fit mother so If I moved out and let my husband have my son and give him the freedom to find someone else, a woman who could be a proper mother to my baby boy like I was only a few months ago then that would be best for them.
I would still see him all the time and love him more than anything in this world but I cant help but think I should sacrifice my happiness of being with my family for their happiness of not having a messed up wreck for a wife/mother. and my son could have a stepmother who he could love and have fun with, hes only 3 and would easily adapt to that, its the ultimate sacrifice on my part but maybe its an option, maybe its my only option after what citalopram has turned me into. its not me anymore thats for sure
If I could turn back the clock and never have started on this I would but thats not life is it? I have to think of the future and mine is now bleak and pointless, I will not inflict that on everyone else.
I wish someone could tell me what to do
Iggy go to another doctor ! You have the right to be prescribed escitralopram. They cannot refuse you medication when you are feeling like how you do. Give me your doctors number and I will speak to them ! I know its hard BUT DO NOT GIVE UP. You have the right to this medication, call another doctors and enquire if they would prescribe it to you. I am soooo angry that they have refused to give this you. Give me the numbers of the doctors near you and I will do it for you but it might give you something to focus on !
Iggy131313
28-08-12, 13:49
lol, your a woman on a misson Laura!!
I just spoke to Dr Arsey (not dr Nasty) and as I cryed and wailed at her down the phone and asked for advice I could tell she had no idea what to say. She told me to come in on Thursday and keep taking the 10mg until then, she will also refer me to a phyc today and also for cbt.
I will speak to her then and hopefully a phyc about escitalopram, when I really got into how the cit has been effecting me I think Dr Arsey was shocked! she obv has asked me to come in because she didnt know what to suggest.
Laura, how are things going for you with the esc?
I should have started back at work today, I thought I would have been better for weeks by now, hahaha, no chance.
Since dropping down my anxiety levels have dropped, theres no doubt about that but the depression is quite huge, I think Im truly depressed, I dont think its a side effect but that Im depressed becuase of what Im going through,
Does anyone know of any good cbt websites that are free? I dont want to sign up for a free trial becuase I always forget to cancel and then have money I dont have coming out of my account!
Hi iggy
Just reading your post and want to send you a big hug.
I was in cit for four months for anxiety that ended in depression as I was scared of what was happening to me as all out of blue this year.
Cit did nothing for me on 10mg and sounds like we were similar, once up to 20 within 3 weeks was functioning 100% again the reason I changed was purely because I still felt on edge.
Hang in there I was do much like you and still have odd days where I feel like leaving my family that I love, 3 lovely young kids and hubby.
Im now on sertraline and finally but slowly having periods of old me.
Xx
Iggy131313
28-08-12, 14:38
Thanks so much for your reply
why did you change off the cit if it made you feel better?
I was on 20mg for 6 weeks but the side effects were so severe I couldnt handle it anymore and felt that I had to do SOMETHING I still feel like I need to take some kind of action but I dont know if its to stop taking it and assess the damage or to keep trying/go up again
I feel so lost, how were you before starting onmeds? I was FINE I really was, I had 1 massive panic attack that lasted a couple of day I admit that but even through all this horrible anxiety I have had since starting on meds I have managed to reolve the issue that gave me the panic attack and understand that it wont happen, I wish I had been left to do that without the meds
---------- Post added at 14:38 ---------- Previous post was at 14:35 ----------
cutting down to 10mg has helped a little but the depression and fear of anxiety which then brings on the anxiety is still overwhelming and I cant stop crying
Hi Iggy,
I am on a mission for you becuase I feel so bad for you, I know how it feels and I only suffered for 2 weeks on cit before changing, god knows how you have kept going for so long !
My anxiety is loads better, im not worried about anything health related anymore its just like my brain wont let me worry about things. I am out and about a bit more but not on my own yet, I am not panicking in shops anymore or in crowds so that is a huge improvement. I felt really happy for a couple of days. My mood is not great for the last few days. agitated but nothing like cit. I am having nightmares nearly every night which are bothering me but again nothing like cit. My doctor wants me to go up to 10mg and he (reluctantly) let have the liquid for one month only so I can go up 1mg a week. He said the powers that be wont be happy with him letting me have it but if its only for one month he agreed to it. So tomorrow I am going up to 6mg we shall see.
You need to say to your doc that you cant cope with trying a completely new drug, lay it on (well just tell the truth) My doctor said to me I need to do what I am most comfortable with so for you and I that would be trying escitralopram. Beg for it even, they CANT refuse it to you Iggy. Please try and be forceful about it !!!
Iggy131313
29-08-12, 12:53
7 weeks 2 days
There comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. and Im saying it now.
After doing alot of research it seems that 20-30% of people when restating the same ssri do not get the same results or it can fail to work at all.
That is what I think has happened to me, cit is simply not going to settle. even on 10mg I awoke this morning in a terrible panic with the feelings of dread and fear crashing over me, toes and fingers curling in aggitation and a feeling of hopelessness. ENOUGH!
I took 2mg diaz that didnt even take the edge off so I took another 2mg and I have calmed down quite a bit thank god. So the reading I have done on restarting ssris says even if you change to a different brand name of the same drug it can help...I WANT ESCITALOPRAM.
And as no dr can seem to offer any advice on what I should do or care enough I have taken matters into my own hands. after 1 week and a day on 10mgs down from 20mg I am going to taper off by missing tonights dose and taking 10mg tomorrow and take alternate days for a week. If that helps my mood then I will know for sure that its the cit thats making me worse. THEN I am going to have a week or possibly 2 med free and see if I can recover from the hell I have been through, we give the meds time to work so I want to give my body and mind time to recover and assess what anxiety is mine and what was caused by the cit.
I suspect that this experience has done enough for me to need some meds to help me recover and retrain my mind not to expect anxiety and fear everyday as I have done for the past 2 months.
and then I want to try escitalopram and I will not listen if they tell me its the same, its not I have read plenty of accounts from people saying that it worked for them where cit didnt, another option for me I think is seroxat, I know how terrible it is to come off but I cant help but feel it may be the right choice for me, has anyone else here found that 1 ssri didnt settle but another did?
The dr would rather I tried mirt but Im scared of the zombie effect, really scared of it and I think Id rather try another ssri first, what do you think? and opinions would be gratefully receieved.
---------- Post added at 12:53 ---------- Previous post was at 12:50 ----------
Oh and I forgot to mention I think my anxiety etc has increased this week because Im due on, and the same happened at week 3 when I couildnt understand why I was suddenly alot worse and a few days later I came on my period. I think the hormones naturally make the anxiety aggitation worse, does anyone else find that?
and also I continue to bleed quite alot from my bottom (to much info I know) still no pain and the blood is fresh blood but its prob the meds messing with my insides???
Iggy, firstly you need to speak to the doctor or call nhs direct about your backside, its probably nothing but you need to get some advice ! Are you taking ibroprofen at all ?
I think personally you are making the right decision you gave it a bloody good shot more than most. You need to ask your doc how to cut down but personally Id go to half a tab then cut out one day week then 2 days ect but your doctor should advise you really x You need a break thats for sure xxx :hugs:
Iggy131313
02-09-12, 18:28
ok time to resume
7 weeks 4 days
As you all know I have been suffering terribly. This morning I awoke with the dread and fear took 5mg diaz and went back to bed, it seems to me that diaz doesnt do much for me until its technically worn off? strange but thats how I feel.
I have been taking 20mg again for 2 days and just taken day 3, I was going to have 30 tonight but I know the dr would tell me to stick on 20 for another week so thats what Ill do.
I am definitley not seeing any beneficial effects from the cit as yet but the phyc wants me to go upto 40mg as thats what I was on before, he thinks maybe 20mg is not a thereputic dose for me after being on 40mg for 18 months before.
Im feeling a little calmer this afternoon, thank god, but have had a rough day, of course I havent left the bedroom, apart for going for a 10 minute walk around the block earlier.
I have asked my mum to come over, at the moment the flights are way to expensive for her to come, it must be the paralympics but they drop off mid september and I really feel like I need her here, she will be able to support me and gently encourage me to do more which I hope will help to retrain my brain back to normal patterns, my husband has no idea how to help so I need someone who can. My mum has GAD and has been on the evil paxil for 20 years so she understands how it feels.
I wish I knew if the cit was going to work for me, if I knew it was then I would carry on quite happily, its the not knowing that kills me, that I could go through alot more hell and then it still fail me and then Im back to square one again. :(
Iggy131313
03-09-12, 11:23
7 weeks 5 days
AGGGHHHH! I feel like screaming the house down, its 9.45am - I woke up this morning rememebered what Im going through felt the anxiety take hold, tried to block out the world for another hour or 2. My hubbys taking my little boy to the beach today, I wish I was well enough to go but Im far too scared.
I got up half an hour ago, smoked a ciggie and made a decaf, every inch of my being was screaming at me to get out of there and go back to bed where its safe. and I had to give into it, I couldnt take the shocking feeling.
But Im so confused I still dont know if this anxiety is me or still being caused by the cit, ive been back upto 20mg for 3 days now, tonight will be day 4. But there is no sign at all of them working, I continue to get worse all the time.
I know it would be helpful for me to try to be downstairs and interact with my fammily but it makes me feel sick and the severe anxiety starts to build until I want to chop my own head off to stop it.
so Im back in bed now, waiting for my family to leave the house, what a shocking life I have now.
still wish I was dead.
---------- Post added at 11:23 ---------- Previous post was at 09:49 ----------
update - oh my god this anxiety is unbearable, im heaving, crying and writhing around in severe anxiety and aggitation, maybe this is the build up of restarting the 20 again now taken it 3 days, do you think it could be?
I really dont think this ****ing drug is suiting me but the dr insists I ahve to go upto 40, when my hubby goes out Im going to come out of the bedroom and take a 5mg diaz see if it helps calm me down abit.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN LIKE THIS IN MY LIFE WHY IS IT HAPPENING TO ME, THE PHSYC SAYS ITS NOT THE CITALOPRAM AND ITS ME HOW DID I BECOME LIKE THIS WHEN 9 WEEKS AGO I WAS FINE WITHOUT A CARE NO ANXIETY NOTHING
I have no idea what to do or where to turn, again I wish I would just die and let this misery end
I def think it is the Citalopram darl as I was always the same going on it (I started up on it 3 times over the past ten years) and by week 3 always had severe panic attacks so I was given Zopiclone to help me sleep and Lorazepam until I settled on the Citalopram. Last time 20mg's never made my anxiety go away but as soon as I did up to 40, I went 100% ok, I was bricking it doubling the dose as 10 to 20 was horrible but I was absolutley fine.
I've just had a weekend where I've felt pretty much like you and thought it was withdrawel from Mirtazapine (which I opted for this time around as I was too chicken to take Cit again) but my doctors just told me it's more likey my new meds (Trazodone) which I only asked to go on in th efirst place because on the net it says it's a kind AD that causes few SE's but my Gp reckons all AD's cause hieghtened anxiety during the first few weeks. Unfortunatley I'd gone up to the full dose on Mirtazapine though and was needing diazepam still 5 months on hence swapping meds. They keep asking me what it is causing the anxiety though too and even though I am going through a divorce, I've accepted it's happening and it's not even on my mind most of the time now, so I dunno why I am still so anxious either!!!
I really hope you are ok soon any how, it's so horrible feeling like this isn't it though even thankfully I'm a bit better today.
Dear Iggy, sending you warm hugs! I am thinking of you:)
(I've been depressed for several days myself now, after 11 OK days, so maybe I'm on the wrong medication/dose...)
Iggy,
I found this post very distressing to read. I can't advise you strongly enough to seek medical attention. Have you told your GP what you have wrote above? As a former mental health crisis worker I urge you to have an urgent and immediate review of your medication and referral to and close supervision from a mental health crisis team.
Iggy, please get medical attention! I care for you!
Iggy I totally agree, this is the illness and Citalopram darl making you think and feel this way! You are going to get BETTER and if you carry out your plan imagine what it will do to your Hubby and little boy!!!! I know how terrible anxiety and depression can be/feel, I had suicidal thoughts this weekend but thankfully they are only thoughts, I have never ever actually made any proper plans to harm myself but I know in time this will all be yet another bad memory when I am happy and normal again and it's my little boy that keeps me going!!! Whenever I get the sucidal thoughts I just ring someone right away and it does help...all the very best of luck, really worried about you too now xxx
Newtoallthis
04-09-12, 12:08
Iggy, please call 999 this is not right, you must get help.
I only stated reading your thread today, because I wanted to see if I should continue with cit, but if you have had those symptoms for so long I can't believe how strong you have been! I've told my doc I won't take them just now and then seen your last post!!
PLEASE CALL 999 NOW <3
was going to post up a free CBT page for you Moodgym.
Please be ok xxxx <3 xxxx
Iggy131313
04-09-12, 12:08
I know, and the chances are I wont do it, it just comforts me to imagine it
Newtoallthis
04-09-12, 12:11
I currently have a mental health crisis team that come every day its the Crisis Resolution Home Treatment Team and its really helped in this immediate crisis, you need support please call a doctor.
It sounds like you are where I was last week when my CBT therapist called in the Crisis team. I'm glad you're ok for now but this is wrong for you to feel like this, you need immediate help xxxxx
xxxxx Your Son would be devastated, please call a doctor xxxx
I know, and the chances are I wont do it, it just comforts me to imagine it
I think that you are in a lot of distress and are crying out for help. Please be open with your GP about how you are feeling. Your GP has a duty of care to you and would not leave you unsupported if he had the information that you posted here.
I understand how much pain you are in but please be mindful of other people in crisis using this forum. Your last post was very graphic and distressing. You really need to speak to a professional in this depth about these feelings to get the support and treatment that you need.
Iggy131313
04-09-12, 12:35
your right serenitie, Im sorry, I dont want to upset anyone or put ideas into anyones head, its just that I cant tell anyone else how Im feeling
You are in crisis and need to let your GP know exactly how you are feeling to get the right support for you. I will PM you my number. If you need to talk I would be happy to listen. The only thing certain in life is change. This will pass.
Please call for emergency help, there must be a crisis line near you. I would call for you myself but I don't know how to from the USA.
Newtoallthis
04-09-12, 12:50
Dear Iggy
I felt the same that I can't tell anyone and I shouldn't tell anyone because I didn't want to burden them, I was making plans and everyhting but then with all the side effects I was having with cit, I really wanted to know if that was normal and so rang some friends who I know have had it before to ask if they had any side effects.
Then of course they asked questions and I had to explain the feelings and things that had been happening to me. It upset them, but they were so supportive, and they just begged me not to do anything because they would never be able to cope if I did anything. They were upset that I had not gone to them earlier and told them how I was feeling. If you really feel like you can't talk to a friend then please at least tell the doctor how you are feeling.
Do you know what since talking to my friends I feel better than I have in months. I feel like now I have support for the long haul. The CBT was definitely helping as well, and talking to the Crisis team is helping everyday, they have respected my wishes to stop taking cit.
I really recommend that you tell your doctor how you are feeling and the fact you have made plans, or just call NHS Direct or 999, you are experiencing something horrific. But there is help and it can get better, I am still here chatting to you so there is the proof.
I really hope you get a good solution xxxx hugs :hugs:
Try that moodgym when you are feeling better its really good and if you get really bad, a website called lost all hope.com really helped me in my darkest hours.
Please call for emergency help now! I would also do it for you, but I am in Norway...
Please please please!
Iggy131313
04-09-12, 12:57
i have called the dr and asked them to tell the dr im in crisis and need her to call me.
could it be the cit making me like this?
It could be citalopram or exhaustion resulting from weeks of increased anxiety. Let the crisis team assess the cause of the problem. You have done the right thing. You need additional support to get you through this crisis. You will recover. It might not feel that way right now, but you will. Anxiety is extremely distressing, but it can not harm you. Keep that in mind and use the additional support to aid your recovery.
Let me know how you get on and call if you need to talk. You are in my thoughts :hugs:
Newtoallthis
04-09-12, 13:07
maybe its the cit maybe its not, but the point is you are at a critical point, and whatever it is needs to be addressed.
It is not right for you to feel like this and it needs to be addressed immediately, I'm not saying they will find the answer straight away but they need to know exactly how bad it is, and to be making plans like that is severe.
If the first person you talk to doesn't get you some immediate support then you need to phone someone else. And you must tell them everything even if you feel embarrassed or don't want to worry people or think that maybe you are not as bad as all that, trust me you are as bad as all that and you should not have to suffer in silence when there is help available. xxxx
Be kind to yourself xxxx
Iggy131313
04-09-12, 13:10
ha! The drs have phoned me back and said that no one will be able to call me today even though I have told them I am in crisis.
Your A&E department of your hospital has a crisis team. Call them now.
Newtoallthis
04-09-12, 13:16
Don't give up, phone NHS Direct 0845 46 47 or 999
talk to someone about it at the very least even if they don't send someone out to you. In my opinion your condition needs immediate assessment.
xxx
Iggy131313
04-09-12, 13:22
Im at the drs on thursday morning and Im not going to act on my fantasy, I just dont know what to do, and the ridiculous thing is neither does anyone else.
Part of me (a big part) wants to come off the cit all together because the best Ive felt was when I dropped down to 10mg but then my period week kicked in and made me feel bad again.
I know the drs want me to go up to 40mg and see if that helps but Im scared of that too, a surley by 8 weeks I should have felt something positive from this drug, something?
all thats happened is that Ive gone lower and lower and more and more anxious to the point where Im having those horrible thoughts
Is your doctor aware of the severity of your thoughts and of what you wrote earlier? If they did, I would be shocked that they are not seeing you today or sending somebody out to you. I really think you should still call emergency services. We are all worried about you here.
Newtoallthis
04-09-12, 13:26
please phone NHS Direct they might get a GP out to see you, this needs attention
xxx
Iggy,
If your GP was aware that you were having suicidal thoughts they have a legal duty to respond.
You are going round in circles and feeding your anxiety with endless questions that no one but professionals can assess and respond to.
Iggy131313
04-09-12, 13:33
I wont do anything, I promise.
Newtoallthis
04-09-12, 13:37
please phone NHS Direct, you may know that you're not going to do anything but that doesn't change the fact that you need immediate support for what you are going through xxx please tell them everything xxx
You need immediate support.
xxxx
Agree, with help things can only get better. Does your husband know you have these thoughts? Is he home? I may have missed that if you mentioned it earlier.
Iggy131313
04-09-12, 13:46
My hubbys home, he knows Im very low and I have told him I feel like killing myself, but he doesnt know the planning that I did yesterday.
yesterday was hard my hubby took my son to the beach with our friends, I was so jelous but I just couldnt get a handle on things.
Today Im not feeling the same as yesterday, yes still hopeless and low but not seriously considering acting on yesterdays plans.
I guess thinking those thoughts comforted me because it was a way out of this mess.
If it was up to me, Id stop taking these now, they are doing nothing for me at all. But that said maybe the 40mg will help me more.
My hubby is downstairs and popping up to see me every now and again, he has no idea what to do.
Its my little boys first day at school tomorrow and im sad that I wont be able to take him.
Can you open up to him about how serious these thoughts have been? He only wants the best for you.
Iggy131313
04-09-12, 13:54
no, he would drag me to the hospital and thats not what I want, Im seeing the dr on Thursday and I will tell her
Newtoallthis
04-09-12, 14:04
OK Iggy, glad you're not going to do anything, but still you are suffering, if you don't feel you have a helpful outcome at the docs on thursday you must ask for advice somewhere else, getting a second or third opinion can only help, advice is great like that its there for you to take or leave, but sometimes just knowing what your options are really makes all the difference.
I tend to be very wary of GP's, I have had some that are excellent and really listen and offer useful advice and some that just don't listen and actually cause you more anguish. I had an experience with my doctor that left me feeling extremely low and since then I refused to see her again, and seeing other doctors I realised that she wasn't taking me seriously. But whatever it can't hurt to get someone else's perspective on something after all GP's have to treat everything from cuts to cancer, I'm sure some of them have specialisms but there's no way they could know everything that is needed in all situations. That's why for me talking to Mental health professionals was the best move.
Honestly don't take no for an answer, and tell them everything, you have tried so hard I don't think anyone would have managed for as long as you have, and now you need support xxxx
nicola1980
04-09-12, 14:11
Hun, get back on the phone to a doc and demand to be seen TODAY, you can't carry on like this you need help and i don't think cit is helping the way your feeling at all :hugs: xx
Newtoallthis
04-09-12, 14:47
Please phone NHS Direct it can't hurt to talk about it with them see what your options are xxxx
Iggy131313
04-09-12, 16:29
Im scared that if I stop the cit I will feel the same, although I didnt feel like this before taking the cit.
Im scared that if I go up in dose its gonna make me worse.
Im so confused and the phyc hasnt even seen me, he spoke to a dr who has only met me once, how can that be a useful evaluation?
Im even more scared that its not the cit and this is what I have become, but if my brain has been taught over the past 8 weeks to expect and fear anxiety then surly that can be reversed?
The initial reason that I had the panic attack has been resolved its not even an issue anymore and certainly hasnt been on my mind since starting the cit. The only anxiety I have now is the fear of the anxiety itself an the fact that I can no longer be myself without that horrid feeling. But if the psyc says that anxiety caused by cit only lasts 6 weeks then it must be me right?
Has anyone here had increased anxiety for longer than 6 weeks on cit and stopped and its gone away?
I dont want to go on any other meds either.
---------- Post added at 16:29 ---------- Previous post was at 15:25 ----------
Im feeling a little calmer now and I know why I was SO SO low and planning suicide yesterday, I suspect it was the diaz.
I took 5mg in the morning and another 5mg at 4pm - I then took another before I went to sleep.
I was very depressed when I took the first dose of diaz and couldnt stop crying, I was literally screaming down the phone to my mum saying I couldnt cope and she told me to take a diaz and rest. It didnt stop me crying but it did pin me to the bed, and I think that (with the additional 5mg at 4) really set my depression off badly and made me think those dark thoughts.
please someone tell me there is hope on a higher dose of cit? do you think because I was on 40mg before that being on a lower dose than that this time wouldnt have an effect?
So glad you feel atleast a bit calmer now Iggy. I so so feel for you having gone through the Citalopram nightmare myself 3 times. All I remember from last time I took it is 20 mg's wasn't helping me get well but as soon as I upped to 40, I was ok in a fortnight and didn't have any side effects going up but I'd been on 20mg's about 5 months and though every day wasn't anywhere as bad as the first few weeks, I still needed Lorazepam to keep me calm because I was still anxious. But once I went up to 40mg, I started waking up feeling normal again so I tapered off the Lorazepam and was absolutley fine for 3 years, so well I foolishly let my GP talk me into coming off the Citalopram. But I remember feeling exactly like you during those first weeks ):
Iggy131313
04-09-12, 18:07
Thanks Karen, you have given me hope that the cit could still work for me. I really dont care how long it takes, its just that I worry so much that Im taking it for no reason, but I was fine on 40mg for 2 years before, I remember having panic attacks etc but I didnt know it was the meds.
I never had any of the bad feelings on 40mgs, I can only remember when my husband walked out of his job 2 weeks before christmas people were saying 'why arent you crying and stressed?' and me replying because Im on high levels on anti depressants and skipping off to do some work.
today is day 2 on 30mg, and this afternoon I feel quite calm. Im still in bed but I have just been downstairs, read my little boy 3 stories and done some drawing with him. Made him a milkshake, gave him a cuddle and a kiss and told him how much I love him, and now I have come upstairs to rest whilst my hubby makes his dinner and he is watching ben 10.
I will go downstairs again later to put his pjs on and spend a little time with him.
Yesterday when my hubby and Freddie (aged 3) came home from their day at the beech I was upstairs in bed crying, my little boy came in and said 'mummy, why are you crying?' I told him that its because I feel very poorly, and he got on the bed ontop of me cuddled me, gave me a kiss and said 'mummy dont be sad because Im here next to you' oh my god, that broke my heart.
He then got off the bed and stroked my face and gave me a kiss, he did all this naked becuase my hubby was giving about to give him a bath to wash all the sand off him!
Iggy131313
05-09-12, 10:02
8 weeks today
6 and a bit weeks 20mg
1 weeks 10mg
2 days 20mg
3 days 30mg
I woke up screaming! was having a horrible nightmare and could scream in the dream, was trying really hard to which is when I accutually did.
Anyway today was my little boys first ever day at school and anxiety or not I couldnt miss that, so I got up, got him in his uniform etc and walked him to school with my hubby. When we got there we had to stay for half an hour to settle him in, that was very uncomfortable to say the least.
Thats what I hate that uncomfortable feeling when I so want to be normal, all I can think about is the horrid feeling when I should be enjoying that special day.
When we left him my hubby has gone off to the shops and I walked hom, heaving and wretching all the way from the anxiety.
so once again I settle into my daytime loop, perhaps its because Ive gone onto 30mg for the past 2 days or maybe I would have been like that anyway, Ive been like that for 2 months now so I cant see that the 30mg has made any difference really.
So now Im back home and snuggled back into bed where I feel safe.
The anxiety has setlled now Im in my safe zone. does anyone else just have that all day uncomfortable feeling nagging and chewing away at them, stopping you from enjoying anything? I would rather have 1 panic attack per day and get it all over with than this constant torture.
nicola1980
05-09-12, 10:11
Well done on getting out tho hun thats a big step! I used to have the retching its awful but it does pass x x
Iggy131313
05-09-12, 10:20
How are you doing now nicola? do you wake up with dread and fear?
nicola1980
05-09-12, 13:36
I don't anymore hun, but there was a time i did and i used to shake and retch for about an hour each morning :mad: xx
does anyone else just have that all day uncomfortable feeling nagging and chewing away at them, stopping you from enjoying anything? I would rather have 1 panic attack per day and get it all over with than this constant torture.
This! Exactly this! You're not alone, pet. It's so unfair that this stupid anxiety can stop us from relaxing and enjoying all the nice things in life. But you did so well getting out and you will not regret seeing your little boy start school Congrats on managing that!
merlotsmum
05-09-12, 14:04
Iggy131313, Citrolpram got me in the same state and ended up with the Crisis Team coming to rescue me 3 weeks ago - I really was at the end of my tether and wanted to end it all - it is truly the medication making you this way - I hope you can get help.
I am 3 weeks into Sertraline, nowhere as bad as Cit and slowly having better days, you can recover from this. I thought it was impossible but you can x
Take care xx
Gotagetthroughthis
05-09-12, 15:12
Hi Iggy,
Im the same as you, i have the nagging underlying thoughts running through my head constantly all day, which stops you from feeling normal and enjoying anything, even just walking down to the local shops is torture. Also im like you in that i have my safe zone (my bed) and it is the only place i can feel reasonably calm and relaxed.
Im not as far in as you but im coming up to 5 weeks on the Citalopram and not feeling to great either. I really hope upping your dose works for you as you've been through a lot and stuck it out with this drug through the non stop struggle, you deserve to finally feel some benefits from it.
Iggy131313
05-09-12, 15:21
Thanks Liam, yes this drug is very naughty and not doing much for me but make me worse.
Im not sure if my anxiety is any worse than normal, but I guess the past couple of weeks with me changing up my dosage will have an effect on my anxiety levels, going down to 10 for a week then back upto 20 for 2 days and now 30 for 3 days.
I can feel stuff happening in my brain, the strange brain heat is coming on here and there and I have a mild headache, amybe the heaving and wretching this morning was the increase, oh god knows but I really think Im stuck like this forever.
Ive gone from 1 panic attack every few years to constant biting anxiety.
I'm really glad to see you on here again Iggy. You will get better, I promise. I think you are unblievably brave sticking it out with the Citalopram. I was far too chicken to go back on it when my doctor suggested it back in March and now 5 months later I'm still not better, though I do get really great days now but am on loads of other meds. Where as I know I'd be well and truly fine now if I'd dared go on the Cit, thinking of you every day and hoping yuor horrible SE's disappear soon. xxx
nicola1980
06-09-12, 18:47
Hi how you feeling today? xx
Iggy131313
07-09-12, 11:20
So as you all know I managed to take my little boy to school 2 days ago, after that I got into bed for an couple of hours before I went back with my hubby to pick him up, I playhed with him for another couple of hours and then said I was going to have another lie down.
5 mins later he toddled upstairs and said his daddy was taking him to the park and did I want to come.
against all my insticts I said yes and went with them, the anxiety came with me of course.
but soon after my sis in law and brother in law arrived with their 2 kids and we all went to the local pub and we stayed there for hours, I had spikey moments of anxiety but the converstaion was great for me and I felt the best I have in the past 2 months.
I got up yesterday and took freddie to school with hubby again and again was heaving and retching all the way back home. I watched a film downstairs and then went to pick him up from school, when I was gong to the school I had no anxiety at all and it was wonderful, it made me feel so happy, sadly it only lasted about 15 minutes. my hubby asked if I would go into manchester with them and look at the museum that my sonlikes, I agreed and we went on the bus, it was horrible, I felt the anxiety every second and could not wait to get out of there.
I had a cry getting off the bus when we got home because I felt that I had let everyone down and felt let down myself.
But I made Freddies tea and bathed him and put him to bed and felt ok in the evenings, as we often do eh?
But this morning I couldnt face getting upto take him to school and I lay there trying to ignore the anxiety and go back to sleep but it was too strong.
I got up for a ciggie and tried sitting on the sofa to read a magazine but I had to come back to bed and so here I am.
as Ive only been on 30mg for 4 days I wonder if maybe some of the anxiety is caused by that, I have been having brain heat and slight headaches again but deep down I think its my own anxiety and im gonna be like this forever.
I realise that I need to help myself as much as possible and I tell myself that its only a feeling but its such a horrible one that I have to run
---------- Post added at 11:20 ---------- Previous post was at 10:42 ----------
I need to speak to my phyc as soon as possible, when the dr spoke to her the phyc said that cit related anxiety only lasts 6 weeks so what I must be feeling at that point was my own however this has been the pattern
day 1 - 20mg
day 2 - 40mg
day 3 - nothing
day 4 - 10mg
so really I cant count those days can I because I was playing around with the dose so much
so then I did 5 weeks on 20mg - so at this point the added anxiety COULD have still been the cit
went down to 10mg for 1 week - another change that COULD have caused more anxious feelings
2 days on 20mg before upping to 30mg which I have been on for 4 days (5th to take tonight)
the dr said I would have to take the 30 for at least another week before upping to 40, but how long after each increase could the side effects last? thats why I need to speak to a good pysch, I have been referred but god only knows when I might acctually see someone,
you see I cant understand WHAT anxiety condition I have, when I read about GAD which is the most similar to what I feel it says over worrying etc about things but I dont do that. The ONLY thing that worries me is this feeling of anxiety that seems to come and go as it pleases, and it rarely goes.
I dont have panic attacks, Im dont have any phobias, and I didnt have the feeling I have now before starting the cit. Im so confused
Dear Iggy,
I just wanted to wish you a nice weekend:hugs:
(To me it sounds like your body still haven't adjusted to the medication and that the cit is still making you anxious. But I am not a psychiatrist...)
Anyways, sending you warm thougths, I am thinking of you:)
You still sound to be suffering so much Iggy. But well done you for pushing yourself to do all the things you have been doing for your little boy. I know when I was on Citalopram I still had anxiety way after 6 weeks and had to take Lorazepam each morning alongside it to help me cope. It was ag ood 5 months before I was totally anxiety free I'd say even though I'd stopped having proper panic attacks sooner but used to wake up feeling horribley depressed and had nervousness type anxiety which is what I am getting with the Mirtazapine now. But I went to Morecambe a few weeks ago and the anxiety was so bad that day being so far away from home that I couldn't eat lunch and thought I was going to be sick and I had a panic attack only a couple of weeks ago, which is why I know Mirtazapine can't be doing anything for me and I really wish I'd been brave enough to go back on the Citalopram despite it effecting me just the same as you. I'm just hoping when my divorce finally comes to an end I will go ok on my own as the thought of going back on the Citalopram just terrifies me even though I've had some absolutley horrible days on the mirtazapine so my parents keep saying they can't understand why I won't just go for it as I know it works for me! I know it always takes me about 5 months on Citalopram to feel completley normal though, def not 6 weeks like it says on the box! :hugs:
Iggy131313
07-09-12, 17:55
really Karen? do you think there is hope for me?
as I have put many times letr me tell you what I have been taking
day 1 - 20mg
day 2 - 40mg
day 3 - nothing
day 4 - 10mg
then 5 weeks on 20mg
then 1 week on 10mg
then 2 days on 20mg and now 5 days on 30mg
how long in your experience does it take for each increase to settle down? Im very confused and unsure of what to do
---------- Post added at 17:55 ---------- Previous post was at 16:42 ----------
Oh god, cant stop crying again, this has to be the worst antidepressant of all time, all I have done for the past 8 weeks is cry and be in a state of severe anxiety. surley somethings not working? could it be that it hasnt kicked in yet>
Dear Iggy, it sounds like it hasn't kicked in yet. Some people have posted on the fluoxetine forums that it took 3 months until they felt good. I think it is really great that you have been taking your boy to school:) you are brave
Iggy131313
08-09-12, 12:17
j
anxiousfinest
11-09-12, 04:38
Dear Iggy
Your blog has captivated my attention.
I would *really* suggest you go on benzodiazepines, as they are the first line of defense against axiety, NOT SSRI's.
Dear Iggy,
Have you had any contact lately with your doctor or a psychiatrist? Please get medical attention and help, I think you really need some support now.
Lots of hugs from me:hugs:
I am thinking of you:)
You poor thing, I really wish people who have a go could just feel how we do for one day and they'd soon not yell at us! I know it must be totally hard for someone to understand when they don't suffer themself but I make no wonder you felt heartbroken luv ):
Citalopram is an horrible drug to go on and yer, I def still believe it is the start up of the meds causing most of your anxiety. I'm sure you'd love to be back to normal tidying up toys! And you will be one day (:
---------- Post added at 14:44 ---------- Previous post was at 14:31 ----------
I forgot to ask, is there a crisis team at your hospital?????
Iggy131313
11-09-12, 15:41
I am officially ending this diary to try to go ON citalopram - and will now be focusing on my Adverse reaction diary where I attempt to go OFF citalopram!
Bloody Hell, this is a journey that I didnt expect, and REALLY REALLY didnt want!
It's horrible isn't it, hope you feel miles better off it. I'm defo thinking of asking to come off Mirtazapine as it's been 6 months of just not getting better, good luck Iggy (:
---------- Post added at 14:12 ---------- Previous post was at 14:10 ----------
PS.I never had one side effect coming of Citalopram, it was always start up for me that was horrendous but coming off was really easy but I was 100% better each time I tapered off.
Iggy131313
13-09-12, 14:39
Thanks Karen, I really hope it works out ok for me too. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. xx
---------- Post added at 14:39 ---------- Previous post was at 14:39 ----------
But Karen, I thought you said you felt better on the mirt? are you thinking of trying something else?
NO no, it's not worked at all for me (Mirt) it's made me 50 times worse but was easy to start up on! 7 months down the line I can't sleep on it though, I am depressed half the time and without the bigger doses of diazepam my doc initially let me take I am waking up having panic attacks every morning now so it's never ever going to work for me like Citalopram did and I wish I'd just gone back on it instead of being so scared as my life is just as crappy right now as starting up on Cit! I just can't stand the thought of going on Cit though and it taking 3 or 4 months to properly settle and my doctors won't give me higher doses of diazepam now I'm down to 4mg's a day and even when I took 20mg's it never truly calmed me down but I got some sleep at least! I was on Lorazepam back in Lincolnshire but they won't let you have it in Yorkshire! In fact they don't prescribe Citalopram at my doctors as they said in higher doses it can do something to your blood so they push Setraline at you and I had a massive panic attack 2 days after starting that the first time I ever needed an AD!
So glad you have dared to just go for it and come off the Citalopram...I want off Mirt so much but I am bricking it incase I feel even worse than I have done this past week! All I've done all weekend is talk to health professionals on the NHS helpline, at the crisis team and I needed to get some more diazepam this morning from a walk in centre because I woke up as per at 3am last night in a total panic and had to use my last one meant for tonight! I really now think I have had an adverse reaction to being on Mirtazapine as I was never ever like this bad before starting up on it in March! I just thought it was always going to work though like Citalopram did but even though Cit was a nightmare to begin with, I did have good moments and days after only a few weeks but 7 months on a drug that I still need tons of diazepam with can't ever going to work surely!!
I'm off to see a proper mental health doctor this week so just pray they'll know what to do as I'm so fed up now and it's effecting my Parents and so unfair on my little boy. We're both about to move out too as we've finally found somewhere of our own to live and I can't move in full time until I am a bit better as I can barely look after myself at the mo.
Really hope you've had a good day today x
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