Lucylocket23
02-08-12, 22:33
Hi, I'm new on here and just wanted to share my story with you and see if anyone else has been through something similar.
It all started last November when after a particularly stressful few years (I won't go into details) I was travelling up to Scotland with my family and partner and I had a massive panic attack in the car. I'd never had one before so it knocked me for six and I felt like my body was shutting down and I was dying. It was really distressing for my family who thought there was something happening to my head as I was clutching it because I had extreme pain there, all I could describe it as was a hot poker on the top of my head. For the following week which was meant to be a holiday for us all, I experienced awful thoughts of having a brain tumour and convinced myself that was it and I was going to die soon. I hardly got up all week and had negative thoughts. I wasn't a great person to be around. I kept getting headaches (I've always been prone to them) but it was a different type of headache, that's all I kept saying to my family. I felt dizzy all the time, sometimes nauseous and 'like I wasn't really there'. Constantly tired and every ache or pain in my body and head I really felt and worried about. Also my shoulders and neck were solid and aching.
After various trips over the next four months as the symptoms persisted, I had been told time and time again by doctors, nurses, friends and family, 'Lucy you haven't got a brain tumour!' But I didn't believe them. I became so obsessed with the idea of it that I somehow created my own panic. I dealt with it the best I could over the next few months, although I felt anxious and fearful if I was far from home. My attendance at work was poor and I wasn't seeing friends and even family as much. In my eyes no one could understand what I was going through and I was completely alone. I would have attacks up to 10 times a day where I felt like something was happening to my head, sometimes even my speech and eye sight would be effected, everything was blurry and I felt like I wasn't me. The thing I struggled to understand was that I was being told everything was OK, I was healthy and yet I kept feeling like this. I was scared. My relationship with my partner became strained as every night in bed I would have to sit up and take deep breaths, the attacks just before going to sleep were there worst, and then I started having them in my sleep too, and they would wake me up, I'd gasp for air and shake. Sometimes I had to go and sit in the bath just to try and calm myself down. Then hours would pass and I'd realise that I was getting only a few hours sleep a night and be expected to function at work that day... Some times I would feel normal and like myself but then as soon as I recognised it, the panic would set in again.
I'm talking like i'm completely cured, i'm not... Back in June I went away to Spain and again a similar thing happened. The WHOLE time I was there my neck was stiff. I really didn't like the thought of drinking alcohol as I worried it may affect my head and i'd suffer a headache. I didn't want to go too far as I thought if I died I might not be near my loved ones. I spent most of the 'holiday' in bed, it was 40 degrees outside and I didn't want to get up. My partner became agitated. It's hard for someone to understand when they've never experienced anything like it. They think you're making it up or just tell you to pull yourself together and everything will be fine. If only it was as easy as that eh?
As soon as I returned home I made a doctors appointment. I saw him that afternoon and it was a really teary appointment. I broke down and said I couldn't deal with myself and these symptoms anymore. He asked me if I'd considered suicide. Maybe for a split second through all this anxiety and pain I had, as a relief, but mostly it is death I am most afraid of. I still have horrible thoughts like about what will happen to my body once I am dead, awful morbid things that should never cross anybody's mind. I don't see any positives anymore, I can never resolve any problems myself, I can't see positive outcomes. I've always been the sort of person to worry but i've always been strong and able to see my way out of things.
When I returned from Spain I admitted to myself that I was completely depressed. The doctor had to say it to me ‘Lucy you are depressed’ and at that moment I realised I was. Life has become hard, everyday is a struggle to get up, I don’t find enjoyment in the things I used to, I avoid people and situations as I don’t know how i’m going to feel, I have no motivation. I’ve thought of leaving my partner not because I want to but because I often think he’d be better without me. To top it off when I returned from Spain I developed a large abscess under my arm and because anti-biotics didn’t shift it I was admitted to hospital to have it removed, after which it left a large hole in my arm that still hasn’t fully healed. I’ve had six weeks off work and am due to go back soon. I hope i’m coming out of it but you never know with anxiety and depression. It often comes out of nowhere and gives you no warning signs. I have a family of depression sufferers. Both of my parents have experienced it in their lives and as have some other relatives. I really believe it’s a genetic thing. This whole experience has also made me realise how closely linked the mind and body are. Mental illness is not taken as seriously as it should be. Just because you can’t put a plaster on it doesn’t mean it’s not serious. I’m taking Prozac at the moment and 20mg of Nortriptalyne on an evening for my night panic attacks and for that bit just before I fall asleep. It seems to be working but the panic attacks still occur sometimes. My headaches are more or less gone now and i think i’ve managed to convince myself I don’t have a brain tumour. For my mood i’m trying to surround myself with pretty things, nice music, poetry, beautiful photographs. I think I might start making notes about my daily mood aswell. See if I can notice any patterns and just so I can keep track of how many good days and bad days i’m having.
I wanted to write this because throughout this whole experience I spent a lot of time online searching for someone/anyone who felt the same or similar to me. I think out of all I read only one stood out and helped me. If I could just help one person that would make me really happy. I also just wanted to say that you are not alone and please talk to people if you feel you can. There is a light in your dark time it just takes patience to find it.
It all started last November when after a particularly stressful few years (I won't go into details) I was travelling up to Scotland with my family and partner and I had a massive panic attack in the car. I'd never had one before so it knocked me for six and I felt like my body was shutting down and I was dying. It was really distressing for my family who thought there was something happening to my head as I was clutching it because I had extreme pain there, all I could describe it as was a hot poker on the top of my head. For the following week which was meant to be a holiday for us all, I experienced awful thoughts of having a brain tumour and convinced myself that was it and I was going to die soon. I hardly got up all week and had negative thoughts. I wasn't a great person to be around. I kept getting headaches (I've always been prone to them) but it was a different type of headache, that's all I kept saying to my family. I felt dizzy all the time, sometimes nauseous and 'like I wasn't really there'. Constantly tired and every ache or pain in my body and head I really felt and worried about. Also my shoulders and neck were solid and aching.
After various trips over the next four months as the symptoms persisted, I had been told time and time again by doctors, nurses, friends and family, 'Lucy you haven't got a brain tumour!' But I didn't believe them. I became so obsessed with the idea of it that I somehow created my own panic. I dealt with it the best I could over the next few months, although I felt anxious and fearful if I was far from home. My attendance at work was poor and I wasn't seeing friends and even family as much. In my eyes no one could understand what I was going through and I was completely alone. I would have attacks up to 10 times a day where I felt like something was happening to my head, sometimes even my speech and eye sight would be effected, everything was blurry and I felt like I wasn't me. The thing I struggled to understand was that I was being told everything was OK, I was healthy and yet I kept feeling like this. I was scared. My relationship with my partner became strained as every night in bed I would have to sit up and take deep breaths, the attacks just before going to sleep were there worst, and then I started having them in my sleep too, and they would wake me up, I'd gasp for air and shake. Sometimes I had to go and sit in the bath just to try and calm myself down. Then hours would pass and I'd realise that I was getting only a few hours sleep a night and be expected to function at work that day... Some times I would feel normal and like myself but then as soon as I recognised it, the panic would set in again.
I'm talking like i'm completely cured, i'm not... Back in June I went away to Spain and again a similar thing happened. The WHOLE time I was there my neck was stiff. I really didn't like the thought of drinking alcohol as I worried it may affect my head and i'd suffer a headache. I didn't want to go too far as I thought if I died I might not be near my loved ones. I spent most of the 'holiday' in bed, it was 40 degrees outside and I didn't want to get up. My partner became agitated. It's hard for someone to understand when they've never experienced anything like it. They think you're making it up or just tell you to pull yourself together and everything will be fine. If only it was as easy as that eh?
As soon as I returned home I made a doctors appointment. I saw him that afternoon and it was a really teary appointment. I broke down and said I couldn't deal with myself and these symptoms anymore. He asked me if I'd considered suicide. Maybe for a split second through all this anxiety and pain I had, as a relief, but mostly it is death I am most afraid of. I still have horrible thoughts like about what will happen to my body once I am dead, awful morbid things that should never cross anybody's mind. I don't see any positives anymore, I can never resolve any problems myself, I can't see positive outcomes. I've always been the sort of person to worry but i've always been strong and able to see my way out of things.
When I returned from Spain I admitted to myself that I was completely depressed. The doctor had to say it to me ‘Lucy you are depressed’ and at that moment I realised I was. Life has become hard, everyday is a struggle to get up, I don’t find enjoyment in the things I used to, I avoid people and situations as I don’t know how i’m going to feel, I have no motivation. I’ve thought of leaving my partner not because I want to but because I often think he’d be better without me. To top it off when I returned from Spain I developed a large abscess under my arm and because anti-biotics didn’t shift it I was admitted to hospital to have it removed, after which it left a large hole in my arm that still hasn’t fully healed. I’ve had six weeks off work and am due to go back soon. I hope i’m coming out of it but you never know with anxiety and depression. It often comes out of nowhere and gives you no warning signs. I have a family of depression sufferers. Both of my parents have experienced it in their lives and as have some other relatives. I really believe it’s a genetic thing. This whole experience has also made me realise how closely linked the mind and body are. Mental illness is not taken as seriously as it should be. Just because you can’t put a plaster on it doesn’t mean it’s not serious. I’m taking Prozac at the moment and 20mg of Nortriptalyne on an evening for my night panic attacks and for that bit just before I fall asleep. It seems to be working but the panic attacks still occur sometimes. My headaches are more or less gone now and i think i’ve managed to convince myself I don’t have a brain tumour. For my mood i’m trying to surround myself with pretty things, nice music, poetry, beautiful photographs. I think I might start making notes about my daily mood aswell. See if I can notice any patterns and just so I can keep track of how many good days and bad days i’m having.
I wanted to write this because throughout this whole experience I spent a lot of time online searching for someone/anyone who felt the same or similar to me. I think out of all I read only one stood out and helped me. If I could just help one person that would make me really happy. I also just wanted to say that you are not alone and please talk to people if you feel you can. There is a light in your dark time it just takes patience to find it.