Shadowwin
22-07-06, 03:20
Hello everyone.. I dare say it's been ages since I posted here.. but once again I come to you with my tail between my legs.. not understanding what is going on with my own mind once again.. I am beginning to wonder if it's the time of the year.. because I was panick free until last year at this time..
I though taking control of my life would help.. I thought finally admitting I wasn't happy in my marriage.. That I was really in love with someone else.. would help.. But now that everything is said and done.. and I am in the relationship I've always dreamed of.. with by far the sweest man I have ever met in my life.. caring, understanding.. I feel like something in me is trying to sabatoge it.. like this little anxiety bubble wells up when I start feeling happy.. and this little bubble makes me short tempered and irrational..
Granted.. I have made alot of changes in my life.. and I am stressed out I know I'm trying to put everything back together.. and on top of it We are staying with my Mother and Step Father right now...
I think the lack of my own space which I've had since I was 17 years old is a contributing factor, plus trying to establish a relationship with the mother I realize I don't even really know.. (she worked alot when I was younger and got sick long before I had the chance to ever really establsh any form of "friendship" with her.. Of course she suffers from anxiety attacks as well not as severe as mine.. but there are there and she's in denial.. I keep trying to show her things on the attacks.. but at least I understand a possible genetic link now..
The man I am with is by far the first person in my life I can say genuinely cares.. sadly.. my damn lack of trust for the human race in general is rising up again and I've been in a negative downward spiral of What If's about us.. Granted we've had a few issues here and there.. and honestly I feel that I've blown them out of proportion a great deal.. they are little stumbling blocks that every relationship goes through but I draw them out to the point of exploding.. and I'm afraid if I keep acting this way he'll stop seeing the person he fell in love with.. and see the psycho *itch that these attacks turn me into. It's a chance at a real relationship.. something I've never had.. he's willing to help me work through anything.. everything.. on most days I think he'd help me take over the world if it would make me happy.. We are alot alike.. we have so many of the same interests.. we make each other laugh like little kids.. it's the most wonderful thing I've ever felt.. but at the same time the scariest..
Stupid What If's.. I'm so sick of them.. What if we don't work out.. what if he doesn't love me anymore.. what if my attacks get in the way.. What if he just can't handle the random flip outs.. what if what if.. what if... the list just goes on from there... I keep telling myself to stop I've done everything short of Yelling outloud at myself to SHUT the **** up... but it's not working this time.. I go to the doctor on Monday.. to talk about my Effexor to be honest I don't want to be on it anymore.. I'm on a low dose and I'm afraid if I tell my doctor that I've been having attacks again he's going to raise the doseage instead of doing what I want to do which is be worked off of it.. I'm tired of medication to treat the "symptoms" I want to conquer this myself.. I need to conquer it and put it behind me or I am going to keep going in this viscious cycle.
*breathes*
Well that was one heck of an attack... I feel better now.. but then sitting down and typing like a madwoman has always helped me get my thoughts out.. since I positively suck at vocalizing them.. they always end up sounding nasty, or completely not the way I want them too.. sometiems I wish I could just type all the time.. at least I make sense to myself and can think things through before I blurt out one of those less than logical responses of mine.
I want to enjoy my life.. why now.. why with him.. I've waited 2 years for this.. I've fought 2 years for this.. why is it th
I though taking control of my life would help.. I thought finally admitting I wasn't happy in my marriage.. That I was really in love with someone else.. would help.. But now that everything is said and done.. and I am in the relationship I've always dreamed of.. with by far the sweest man I have ever met in my life.. caring, understanding.. I feel like something in me is trying to sabatoge it.. like this little anxiety bubble wells up when I start feeling happy.. and this little bubble makes me short tempered and irrational..
Granted.. I have made alot of changes in my life.. and I am stressed out I know I'm trying to put everything back together.. and on top of it We are staying with my Mother and Step Father right now...
I think the lack of my own space which I've had since I was 17 years old is a contributing factor, plus trying to establish a relationship with the mother I realize I don't even really know.. (she worked alot when I was younger and got sick long before I had the chance to ever really establsh any form of "friendship" with her.. Of course she suffers from anxiety attacks as well not as severe as mine.. but there are there and she's in denial.. I keep trying to show her things on the attacks.. but at least I understand a possible genetic link now..
The man I am with is by far the first person in my life I can say genuinely cares.. sadly.. my damn lack of trust for the human race in general is rising up again and I've been in a negative downward spiral of What If's about us.. Granted we've had a few issues here and there.. and honestly I feel that I've blown them out of proportion a great deal.. they are little stumbling blocks that every relationship goes through but I draw them out to the point of exploding.. and I'm afraid if I keep acting this way he'll stop seeing the person he fell in love with.. and see the psycho *itch that these attacks turn me into. It's a chance at a real relationship.. something I've never had.. he's willing to help me work through anything.. everything.. on most days I think he'd help me take over the world if it would make me happy.. We are alot alike.. we have so many of the same interests.. we make each other laugh like little kids.. it's the most wonderful thing I've ever felt.. but at the same time the scariest..
Stupid What If's.. I'm so sick of them.. What if we don't work out.. what if he doesn't love me anymore.. what if my attacks get in the way.. What if he just can't handle the random flip outs.. what if what if.. what if... the list just goes on from there... I keep telling myself to stop I've done everything short of Yelling outloud at myself to SHUT the **** up... but it's not working this time.. I go to the doctor on Monday.. to talk about my Effexor to be honest I don't want to be on it anymore.. I'm on a low dose and I'm afraid if I tell my doctor that I've been having attacks again he's going to raise the doseage instead of doing what I want to do which is be worked off of it.. I'm tired of medication to treat the "symptoms" I want to conquer this myself.. I need to conquer it and put it behind me or I am going to keep going in this viscious cycle.
*breathes*
Well that was one heck of an attack... I feel better now.. but then sitting down and typing like a madwoman has always helped me get my thoughts out.. since I positively suck at vocalizing them.. they always end up sounding nasty, or completely not the way I want them too.. sometiems I wish I could just type all the time.. at least I make sense to myself and can think things through before I blurt out one of those less than logical responses of mine.
I want to enjoy my life.. why now.. why with him.. I've waited 2 years for this.. I've fought 2 years for this.. why is it th