Vex
22-07-06, 05:56
Hi everyone. I found this website through google.com. I was doing a search for aggrophobia because of something that happened tonight.
Well... I guess I should start off with a bit of my story, eh?
I'm Vex. I'm 21. I live in the USA. I've been in counseling before but that was mainly for being troubled by family things. My mom is an alcoholic. My parents have faught for as long as I can remember. They were seperated when I was in about 1st grade or so... but I wasn't really aware of what was going on. As far as I knew, my dad was just off in another state working to support us... which he was. When I was living with my mom, I was in about 1st or 2nd grade, I walked in on her having sex with this guy [John]. He, too, was an alcoholic and he was a heavy drug user. I still remember seeing them. It still bothers me. I think that's where my behavior towards my mom really changed. If I remember correctly, that incident resulted in my dad coming and picking my sister and I up. She was just a baby then. Luckily, this John character was out of my life until around my birthday when I was in 5th grade. We were living two-three states away from where he lived but he came to the state we were living in to see my mom, I guess. Anyways... on my birthday, at my birthday party at the bowling alley, with my friends there... my mom and him showed up drunk. It was so embrassing.
Up until a few years ago, I had treated her like **** because I thought she deserved it. She still drinks and has a problem with her thyroid, but she lives in another state so I don't really have to deal with her being drunk. My parents finally got divorced when I was in 5th grade.
My dad's pretty much a loner. I live with him now. I feel pretty safe living with him especially because he doesn't have a social life. I know I can always come home and no one else will be here. He goes to work and then watches TV or does stuff on his computer.
I remember in 6th grade or maybe it was 7th... I had to wear a heart monitor for 24 hours because my heart was doing weird things and I'd freak out. I remember specifically, in PE... when we had to run around together in this park across the school. I was feeling so insecure about my abilities and really didn't like having to perform in front of other people, especially my peers [friends and foes]. I stopped running and started crying... I tried to explain to my PE teacher that my heart was doing funny things and I didn't want to run. And after that, I guess I went to the doctor or hospital or something [i don't really remember...] and they didn't see anything wrong with me but put me on the heart monitor to make sure. I don't remember what they said "it" was or if they said anything at all. I'm assuming they probably just said it was anxiety. I don't know.
My family doesn't have much money nor do we have health insurance. I really want to see a psychiatrist and counselor to fix me. I've tried fixing myself but it just scares me. I would really like to have someone there that knows what they're doing and can help me. Sometimes I feel like thinking like that might be part of my problem... but I don't know if that's because others have told me that or if that's just me talking or what...
I've been with the same guy for almost 4 years now. We were engaged after a year... then recently, less than six months ago... I was having a "moment" and suggested we no longer be engaged... and he agreed... and so now we're just boyfriend and girlfriend... and that still upsets me because I know that part of the reason I said that was because I was upset and doubting whether or not he really wanted to be with me, etc. We have problems... the regular ones are pretty much my fault do to my behavioral and mental 'issues'. I haven't been diagnosed with anything so I've kinda just self-diagnosed... heh It was basically me finding out what was going on with me and what it was called, if there was a name for it...
In my honest, open moments... I would describe myself as paranoid, insecure, anxious, dellusional and have some sor
Well... I guess I should start off with a bit of my story, eh?
I'm Vex. I'm 21. I live in the USA. I've been in counseling before but that was mainly for being troubled by family things. My mom is an alcoholic. My parents have faught for as long as I can remember. They were seperated when I was in about 1st grade or so... but I wasn't really aware of what was going on. As far as I knew, my dad was just off in another state working to support us... which he was. When I was living with my mom, I was in about 1st or 2nd grade, I walked in on her having sex with this guy [John]. He, too, was an alcoholic and he was a heavy drug user. I still remember seeing them. It still bothers me. I think that's where my behavior towards my mom really changed. If I remember correctly, that incident resulted in my dad coming and picking my sister and I up. She was just a baby then. Luckily, this John character was out of my life until around my birthday when I was in 5th grade. We were living two-three states away from where he lived but he came to the state we were living in to see my mom, I guess. Anyways... on my birthday, at my birthday party at the bowling alley, with my friends there... my mom and him showed up drunk. It was so embrassing.
Up until a few years ago, I had treated her like **** because I thought she deserved it. She still drinks and has a problem with her thyroid, but she lives in another state so I don't really have to deal with her being drunk. My parents finally got divorced when I was in 5th grade.
My dad's pretty much a loner. I live with him now. I feel pretty safe living with him especially because he doesn't have a social life. I know I can always come home and no one else will be here. He goes to work and then watches TV or does stuff on his computer.
I remember in 6th grade or maybe it was 7th... I had to wear a heart monitor for 24 hours because my heart was doing weird things and I'd freak out. I remember specifically, in PE... when we had to run around together in this park across the school. I was feeling so insecure about my abilities and really didn't like having to perform in front of other people, especially my peers [friends and foes]. I stopped running and started crying... I tried to explain to my PE teacher that my heart was doing funny things and I didn't want to run. And after that, I guess I went to the doctor or hospital or something [i don't really remember...] and they didn't see anything wrong with me but put me on the heart monitor to make sure. I don't remember what they said "it" was or if they said anything at all. I'm assuming they probably just said it was anxiety. I don't know.
My family doesn't have much money nor do we have health insurance. I really want to see a psychiatrist and counselor to fix me. I've tried fixing myself but it just scares me. I would really like to have someone there that knows what they're doing and can help me. Sometimes I feel like thinking like that might be part of my problem... but I don't know if that's because others have told me that or if that's just me talking or what...
I've been with the same guy for almost 4 years now. We were engaged after a year... then recently, less than six months ago... I was having a "moment" and suggested we no longer be engaged... and he agreed... and so now we're just boyfriend and girlfriend... and that still upsets me because I know that part of the reason I said that was because I was upset and doubting whether or not he really wanted to be with me, etc. We have problems... the regular ones are pretty much my fault do to my behavioral and mental 'issues'. I haven't been diagnosed with anything so I've kinda just self-diagnosed... heh It was basically me finding out what was going on with me and what it was called, if there was a name for it...
In my honest, open moments... I would describe myself as paranoid, insecure, anxious, dellusional and have some sor