shotokansho
05-08-12, 15:33
Hello everyone.
I'm not sure I should be posting this as I don't want it to trigger anything for anyone, I would hate to upset anyone on here. I just don't know who else to tell or talk too, as no one knows about this, but I need to get it out. Anyway I'm sure the mods will do with it as they see fit.
On Thursday afternoon I was out with a friend having a few beers, we had a lovely afternoon and I really enjoyed it. When I got home the thoughts entered my head, egging me on to self harm ect ect. Anyway to try and clear my head I took the dog for a walk but while I was out with her the thoughts wouldn't stop and they were really strong. I got my anti-depressants and took 28 of them and 6 paracetamol and I self harmed.
I was still out, in a field all by myself on my knees in the mud crying. I just didn't know what to do at this point. I felt I couldn't go home because I was an emotional state, had blood on my trousers and was covered in mud. So because I still had the implement I harmed with I made a huge decision to call the police, as I was so frightened of what I had just done and what was going through my mind.
They came and found me and one of them hit me with his baton in my thigh...I went down and it didn't half hurt! I mean what happened to talking? It immediatley put me on the defensive and I became very hostile towards them. Because of this they put me in the back of a van and took to me to A&E. I was constantly trying to get away from them, it was horrible. They detained me on a section 136 and was stuck in A&E with them for hours. I finally got assessed by the on duty psychiatrist and he said I was fit to go home.
I got home and since then I have done nothing but put myself down. I am now depressed again because I hate myself for my behaviour. I feel so stupid and angry and I am totally gutted. I have been detained on sections before and I feel like this every single time. Problem is I now have no anti depressants left and I'm scared now because I am going to withdraw. I'm worried about going to my doctors for more, although they will know about this as A&E always fax the docs.
What bothers me afterwards is that I know I'm not that person that the police and others see when I am having an 'episode'. I know I am a decent person and there is no way on this earth I would fight with anyone or hurt anyone, it makes me sick to the stomache. In a way I am glad it's the police I take it out on and not someone I love.
Really sorry guys I just feel so rubbish right now, I need some reassuring words.
I'm not sure I should be posting this as I don't want it to trigger anything for anyone, I would hate to upset anyone on here. I just don't know who else to tell or talk too, as no one knows about this, but I need to get it out. Anyway I'm sure the mods will do with it as they see fit.
On Thursday afternoon I was out with a friend having a few beers, we had a lovely afternoon and I really enjoyed it. When I got home the thoughts entered my head, egging me on to self harm ect ect. Anyway to try and clear my head I took the dog for a walk but while I was out with her the thoughts wouldn't stop and they were really strong. I got my anti-depressants and took 28 of them and 6 paracetamol and I self harmed.
I was still out, in a field all by myself on my knees in the mud crying. I just didn't know what to do at this point. I felt I couldn't go home because I was an emotional state, had blood on my trousers and was covered in mud. So because I still had the implement I harmed with I made a huge decision to call the police, as I was so frightened of what I had just done and what was going through my mind.
They came and found me and one of them hit me with his baton in my thigh...I went down and it didn't half hurt! I mean what happened to talking? It immediatley put me on the defensive and I became very hostile towards them. Because of this they put me in the back of a van and took to me to A&E. I was constantly trying to get away from them, it was horrible. They detained me on a section 136 and was stuck in A&E with them for hours. I finally got assessed by the on duty psychiatrist and he said I was fit to go home.
I got home and since then I have done nothing but put myself down. I am now depressed again because I hate myself for my behaviour. I feel so stupid and angry and I am totally gutted. I have been detained on sections before and I feel like this every single time. Problem is I now have no anti depressants left and I'm scared now because I am going to withdraw. I'm worried about going to my doctors for more, although they will know about this as A&E always fax the docs.
What bothers me afterwards is that I know I'm not that person that the police and others see when I am having an 'episode'. I know I am a decent person and there is no way on this earth I would fight with anyone or hurt anyone, it makes me sick to the stomache. In a way I am glad it's the police I take it out on and not someone I love.
Really sorry guys I just feel so rubbish right now, I need some reassuring words.