lotus
08-08-12, 11:15
Hi
For the last 8 years I've been having non stop depression/anxiety/panic attacks/ocd. But I've I've never really felt "normal", not even as a child.
I'm mostly housebound and hardly ever go out.
So things suck right now. I have no energy, haven't taken a shower in many days (disgusting, I know). I feel like I'm falling apart and breaking down physically and mentally. My mind won't stop chattering, ruminating and obsessing with completely random things. My thoughts get stuck. It's just like constant mental noise and I can't turn it off. The harder I try, the worse it gets. I also have a breathing and swallowing obsession, which is draining me and driving me crazy. I found out it was a rather rare subtype of OCD called "sensorimotor ocd". I have this feeling like I'm carrying a very heavy burden that is draining my physical and mental energy. I feel very tense and anxious and super tired at the same time. I feel on edge, desperate and hopeless. I have feelings of dread and impending death. And just an overall feeling of inadequacy and not being normal and being a hopeless case.
The problem is I don't want to take any more antidepressants, I'm terrified of them. I've tried a few in the past even though I didn't want to, it was out of desperation. I had an adverse reaction to them and now I believe I've been permanently damaged. Also they didn't seem to help much, only a little. At the same time I'm afraid that if I don't get medicated, I'll die soon. I know it sounds dramatic, but don't know how much longer I can hang on.
What should I do? I don't want to go to a hospital because I live in Eastern Europe and psychiatric wards here suck. I'm scared to admit myself into a psych ward. Besides they just give you meds there and the doctor sees you for like 15 mins in the morning and in the evening. I'm very scared of new people and new places, and I have great trouble adjusting. I won't be able to sleep there and I also have trouble swallowing my food, especially if someone's watching me, so how will I eat there?
I don't think this could all be psychological, I believe this has a very strong biological component, which makes me even more depressed because I feel like I can't be fixed, and my only choice is to take meds, and I don't want to.
Also my grandfather passed away and the funeral is tomorrow. I want to go, but I can't even get into the shower and get dressed. I'm also afraid I'll get a panic attack in the car on the way to the funeral. Last time we went to visit grandad I had a huge panic attack on the highway, I started freaking out, my dad had to pull over, I jumped out of the car and refused to go back. I was acting like a freak, I felt totally out of control and out of my mind, crying hysterically and telling my parents that I'm dying and we need to find a doctor right now. Of course there was no doctor in the middle of nowhere. I don't want that to happen again.
I constantly analyze my symptoms and dwell on what's wrong with me. I'm worried that my diagnosis is wrong. I think I could have bipolar disorder or ADD or something else and need to be on some other type of meds, not antidepressants.
My baby pet rat is my only source of positive emotions right now, but I also feel guilty because I'm not taking very good care of him because I can barely function :(
What should I do?
For the last 8 years I've been having non stop depression/anxiety/panic attacks/ocd. But I've I've never really felt "normal", not even as a child.
I'm mostly housebound and hardly ever go out.
So things suck right now. I have no energy, haven't taken a shower in many days (disgusting, I know). I feel like I'm falling apart and breaking down physically and mentally. My mind won't stop chattering, ruminating and obsessing with completely random things. My thoughts get stuck. It's just like constant mental noise and I can't turn it off. The harder I try, the worse it gets. I also have a breathing and swallowing obsession, which is draining me and driving me crazy. I found out it was a rather rare subtype of OCD called "sensorimotor ocd". I have this feeling like I'm carrying a very heavy burden that is draining my physical and mental energy. I feel very tense and anxious and super tired at the same time. I feel on edge, desperate and hopeless. I have feelings of dread and impending death. And just an overall feeling of inadequacy and not being normal and being a hopeless case.
The problem is I don't want to take any more antidepressants, I'm terrified of them. I've tried a few in the past even though I didn't want to, it was out of desperation. I had an adverse reaction to them and now I believe I've been permanently damaged. Also they didn't seem to help much, only a little. At the same time I'm afraid that if I don't get medicated, I'll die soon. I know it sounds dramatic, but don't know how much longer I can hang on.
What should I do? I don't want to go to a hospital because I live in Eastern Europe and psychiatric wards here suck. I'm scared to admit myself into a psych ward. Besides they just give you meds there and the doctor sees you for like 15 mins in the morning and in the evening. I'm very scared of new people and new places, and I have great trouble adjusting. I won't be able to sleep there and I also have trouble swallowing my food, especially if someone's watching me, so how will I eat there?
I don't think this could all be psychological, I believe this has a very strong biological component, which makes me even more depressed because I feel like I can't be fixed, and my only choice is to take meds, and I don't want to.
Also my grandfather passed away and the funeral is tomorrow. I want to go, but I can't even get into the shower and get dressed. I'm also afraid I'll get a panic attack in the car on the way to the funeral. Last time we went to visit grandad I had a huge panic attack on the highway, I started freaking out, my dad had to pull over, I jumped out of the car and refused to go back. I was acting like a freak, I felt totally out of control and out of my mind, crying hysterically and telling my parents that I'm dying and we need to find a doctor right now. Of course there was no doctor in the middle of nowhere. I don't want that to happen again.
I constantly analyze my symptoms and dwell on what's wrong with me. I'm worried that my diagnosis is wrong. I think I could have bipolar disorder or ADD or something else and need to be on some other type of meds, not antidepressants.
My baby pet rat is my only source of positive emotions right now, but I also feel guilty because I'm not taking very good care of him because I can barely function :(
What should I do?