Feeling terrible, don't know what to do

[Zingara]

Hi,
I haven't been on here for a while, probably because, generally, I've been quite a lot better, or at least not in a crisis state. But tonight I feel absolutely terrible. My boyfriend has been away for eight days on holiday with his sons, and I've been staying with my parents. Usually I find his being away difficult, but this time I've coped pretty well emotionally, although I have relied on a small amount of temazepam, taken every other night, to sleep. As I say, I've generally been coping - I've had some nice evenings with my parents, gone shopping with my mum, and been to see a new friend I've made recently. But tonight my boyfriend is on his way home and I feel so desperately anxious and upset. I do love him but I feel strangely ambivalent about his coming home, and sad that my time with my parents is over. It's almost a feeling as though a holiday is coming to an end. I feel very strange and nostalgic, and I have a need to keep replaying the events of the last eight days in my mind as though to savour them, and I keep wishing I had somehow made more of them or appreciated them more somehow. It makes me feel awful to think that I am not really overjoyed about seeing my boyfriend again, although of course I do want to see him again and I do love him. We have been having a lot of problems lately and I have been feeling a distance between us, a loss of a once-powerful bond. Perhaps that's why I am feeling ambivalent - perhaps his holiday has given me a break from the problem.

Anyway, on Friday my parents go away for four nights and my separation anxiety is terrible! I feel embarrassed writing this, as I am 33 years old, but I have never really conquered the separation anxiety that I suffered as a child - in fact, it seems to get more intense. I feel anxious about my mum being away, and scared of being ill without her nearby. Can anyone relate to this? It makes me embarrassed as I feel that I should have grown out of this years ago, but somehow I just can't.

I don't know why I feel so bad all of a sudden. Anyway, if anyone can relate please let me know, but even if I get no replies I feel a little better for writing it down.

[Serenitie]

Hi Zingara,

Your ambivalence about seeing your partner again is a natural response to the problems you are experiencing in your relationship and nothing at all to feel bad about. Like you say, you feel the loss of the bond you used to share with him. So it is totally normal that you are experiencing grief like symptoms.

Can you talk through these problems and work on improving your relationship and regaining the closeness you once shared?

I have recently separated from my partner. I stayed in this relationship for longer than I should and it did more harm than good. I'm not saying this is the case for you, but the sooner you can work on problems, the less stress it causes in the long run.

Have you thought of counselling to discuss you separation anxiety? This may be helpful in terms of developing coping strategies to manage it.

I hope that you feel are able to work through your relationship issues and feel better soon :)

[Gale2509]

Hi zingara, I can relate to your story, I suffered terrible separation anxiety from my mum, i did not actually realise how bad it actually was. She was the first person I called when I was feeling really bad and a handful of times she had even driven over late at night to comfort me. 2 years ago my husband got the opportunity to move us to Bahrain with his work, I was so scared, terrified in fact, it was 2 months of hell waiting to leave, especially as I stayed with my parents for 7 weeks when my house was rented out. I was convinced i wanted me and my daughter to stay with them and let my husband work out there and travel back and forth, in fact on my flight over there in which my husband had enlisted the help of his mother to ensure i made it, i was questioning whether i really wanted to be with him instead of my mum. However, I'm 2 years on and although I still suffer from the anxiety, posted this eve under 'anyone help with this?' I'm a lot stronger and really surprised myself, how independent and confident I was without her, I miss her of course but I've gone through a very complicated pregnancy, with lots of hospital stays, a medical emergency and given birth all alone without a soul in a strange country and actually come out stronger the other side.
I had some therapy in the uk before i left, the subject of this dependancy on my mum was spoken about a lot and I couldn't see for the life of me why the therapist seemed to think that it should be something I needed to change, however, now I can see the positive changes I've made in separating my relationship with my mum and the anxiety. Anything to do with recovery from anxiety, panic etc is difficult and things have to be taken one step at a time, don't beat yourself up about this, it's tough, really tough and hopefully as you get stronger you can rely on your mum less and feel more confident at dealing with the anxiety more independently. You will surprise yourself, we are a lot tougher than we give ourselves credit for! Xxxx

[Piano]

Hi, I also have separation anxiety, it feels so bad!

Sending you a hug :hugs:

[swgrl09]

I have it too. My fiance is away for three weeks for work, and travels often. It can wear on you.

[Anxious_gal]

If you are dependent on your boyfriend, could that be making it hard for you to really talk about things with him?

[Kell]

Hi Zingara,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling bad.

My thoughts would be to try not to overthink it too much. I think that sometimes we search for a reason as to why we feel anxious when sometimes it can just be a flare up triggered by the smallest things. It might just be a change in general that has caused it ie your boyfriend coming home & then your parents going away. The mind can run rings around us and play cruel tricks.

Please try to take the positives from the past week in that you have had a good time. This might calm down as quickly as it has flared up.

My anxiety has flared up these past few days & so I sympathise with you. I find that my emotions can often be quite numbed & so it could be that which is causing you not to "feel" the way that you're expecting to feel about your relationship. That in turn can cause anxiety.

I hope that you're feeling better today now that your boyfriend is back x

[Zingara]

Thanks so much everyone - there is some really good advice on here and some interesting comments - I'm just sort of letting them soak in. I am feeling slightly better - though don't want to tempt fate! I am coping a little bit better than I feared I might, though there are three more days to go. I have adapted well to having my boyfriend back and have felt comfortable in his company today and yesterday, though of course that doesn't mean all the problems have disappeared. I'm so grateful to all of you who replied to me - it really helped me to find some strength and to feel less alone. xx