Fear of death

[graham58]

Hi. I outlived my dad just over a couple of years ago (coincidentally his father, my granddad, died at the same age which doesn't help), and ever since about that time I've been troubled on and off by thoughts of death and in particular about what it’s all going to be like when I "move on" (which, let’s face it, we all will one day).

Every now and again, something sparks off a pa on this subject and today was one of those times (it was a photo of a building forming part of Oxford University, oddly enough). I was able to get a handle on it before it got too bad, using some of the methods I’ve learned from this site, otherwise it could have been a lot worse - but I'm well aware it remains a big problem for me.

The real problem of course is that death is the great unknown. What kind of world will I go to? What will everything be like there (even assuming I go to a good place which I hope I will :)). As somebody with an open space phobia, I'm afraid in particular of waking up in a huge, bright and horrible open space with nowhere to hide, which is what I do when I have an agoraphobic attack in life - seek a smallish room or building to "hide out" in until I get my bearings and start to calm down. Or with buildings 10,000 feet high or something.

This is probably one of the hardest anxieties to deal with, because obviously you can’t desensitise yourself to a fear of death in the same way as you can to something you can actually experience for yourself in life and thereby discover for yourself that it isn't anything to be afraid of. I almost apologise for raising it on here in case I set off other people's fears on the subject.

Thanks for reading this,

Graham .

[PanchoGoz]

You can desensitize yourself. It's the thoughts you are having about death that you actually fear. Think about it. You are scared of thinking about it and having a panic attack. Death itself is not the problem. You fear something will happen to you if you let yourself think about it, like losing your mind or having a panic attack. The way to desensitize yourself is to not fear it being in your head. Think about death, say sords to do with it that scare you, let your mind go wild, do a spider diagram on it, facing it like this will desensitize you to it (you don't have to die as an exposure exercise, in other words!). Measure the fear you have when you are doing the exposure, then do the same thing the next few days and you will notice a difference.
It's deep, it's scary, but ultimately it is just one of the many anxieties that you can have in life and this one is reassuringly universal.

[graham58]

Thanks for replying and for your advice Pancho; I'll look into it especially the spider chart (I'm a bit nervous of spiders and other people are worse so maybe they should have chosen a better name lol).

All the best to you.

Cheers,

Graham .

P.S. You're not Cornish by any chance (judging from the pasty reference in your sig)?

[PanchoGoz]

P.S. You're not Cornish by any chance (judging from the pasty reference in your sig)?

Yes I am! :D

[graham58]

Yes I am! :D

Great, it's a lovely part of the world. I'm living here at the monent (Pensilva, on the eastern fringe of Bodmin Moor); it's mostly quiet and you get spectacular views from the top of the village when the air is clear.

[PanchoGoz]

Oh its nice up Bodmin, I'm down near Penzance with the fishermen :D

[MyInitiation]

I know someone who witnessed a death and it seriously gave him a major fear of death afterwards.

[erin31]

I know someone who witnessed a death and it seriously gave him a major fear of death afterwards.

I am the opposite. I used to worry about death but now I have witnessed it(more than once), I have no fear at all. We don't know what happens once we pass but we do know that once someone dies there is a sudden peacefulness and tranquility about a person even if they were suffering in life.
I have read many reports writen by people who have died and been revived and have yet to read anything bad. I have not read of anyone feeling fear or anxiety only how peaceful, calm and surrounded by love they felt.

[Rain]

Hi Graham,

My belief is that the universe, everything in it, and us are all perfectly designed to fulfil a purpose. For example, we have powerful leg muscles to propel us along the ground, we have strong teeth for chewing food, and complex hands with which to build things.

Our brains are also designed to cope with the environments we will find ourselves in as we go through life. We have great ability to learn language as children so we can communicate. There are small ‘design features’ we don’t even notice, such as eyebrows to protect our eyes from the sun and the ability for our blood to clot when we are injured.

We are in fact, perfectly designed to cope with our environment. Two things we all go through are birth and death. When you think about it, birth should be fairly terrifying. You are floating about in a small safe place for nine months and then wham! You have the trauma of being born and have to cope with a whole new world.

None of us remember being born or have any bad associations with that momentous event. This is, I believe because we are made fully equipped to cope with birth.

I think death will be very similar, in that we have been designed to cope with it. You won’t be worried about your agoraphobic feelings when you die, because you will be in a different state. I believe we are made to be able to cope with the death process, and in fact, moving on to the next stage of existence, would, I imagine be a very joyful event.

When I think of death (and as I approach my 50th birthday it is getting a wee bit closer!) I always picture a caterpillar who, having crawled around in a very limited way for a while, goes into shutdown mode, and emerges from the husk as a wonderful colourful being with the newfound ability to soar into the sky.

I was with my Dad when he died in 1990. Just before he died he opened his eyes and told me he was ‘on the ceiling, smiling,’ and he asked why we were crying. During his death I felt like something very peaceful had occurred and about half an hour later, I had a sort of vision, where I saw him running through a field, and I could feel what he was feeling- which was joy at being well and strong again.

I believe that when we die we leave behind our earthly ills, and that includes agoraphobia. (I have agoraphobia too.) We are whole and perfect and fully ready for what is required of us next.

Birth, life, death, and afterlife… I feel it is all a cycle for which we were designed and none of it will be beyond us. I also believe we will see departed relatives again, which will be a great moment. We will be filled with wonder and joy and peace and the very last thing we will be thinking about is agoraphobia.

[dancingfrog]

Rain what a fantasic post you put my thoughts into words, I have also experienced someone passing and after reading scientific books about the afterlife and non scientific books I am a true believer that everything will be ok and the afterlife is a fantasic place/plane energy whatever. A good book is guided by angels by paddy mcmahon and has really made me open my eyes not only to the understanding of an afterlife but how to make the most of your earthly life too. Saying all this i still fear death to an obsession as you all know I question everything.

[Rach29]

Hi I'm the same petrified of death if it wasn't for that my anxiety wouldn't be as bad but I think we all go to a better place see our loved ones we have lost but thinking that doesn't make it any less scary I would love to be one of those people who seem quite laidback about it but the more I think of it the more scared I feel its just nice to know there are people out there who share my fear of death I hate it

[xvolatileheart]

Fear of death is the root of my anxiety. I feel like I will never get better until I get over this fear. I don't believe in an afterlife, but mostly I'm terrified of dying before I experience everything I want to experience (having a family, traveling, etc.) I feel like this is my one shot and I better do it right.

I don't have any advice, just that I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I know how you feel.

[Meewah]

Hi great thread.

I feel a fear of death is completely normal as we have evolved to survive and death is the complete opposite. While ever you have this fear you will work your hardest to avoid situations that could risk your life or others that you care for. The problems come when your fear of death is so obsessive that your quality of life is effected and this is by the sound of it is where you are at the moment?

I felt like this and decided to deal with it head on. I studied Buddhism and it showed me that you can almost be totally at peace with the suffering and death we are all going to experience. I learnt to think about death in a controlled manor and to meditate about death and lying in a coffin listning to what people had to say about me good and bad. This empowered me to change what people were going to say about me and focus on doing good in the world, you know helping the less fortunate, This has helped me greatly as it has made me more humble. I found that everything I had worked for car, house etc in actual fact made me fear death more because I had more to lose, if that makes sense?

I love this quote:- If one person says, "I know what will happen to me after my death" you can know with certainty only one thing, and that is, this person has a huge innate fear of death to which they apply, a belief to overcome it. Be aware that if you scratch the surface of such a person's belief you will scratch their fear and, as in all animal nature, their behavior will be unpredictable, aggressive and protective.

We all fear death and the unknown but when it comes we will be ready for it and it will probably come to relieve us of the suffering of life. In between this we will enjoy what we have and value the people we love as worrying about it is wasting the time we have for the people we love.

My advice is study death and it will lose its hold on you.

Take Care

Mee

[graham58]

Oh its nice up Bodmin, I'm down near Penzance with the fishermen :D

Lucky you, it's lovely down there. Mousehole is one of my favourite places anywhere. I had the good fortune to eat Starry Gazey Pie in the Ship Inn in Mousehole, on Tom Bawcock's Eve (Dec 23rd) a few years back.

[PanchoGoz]

Ar its yum

[dazzadoo123]

hi everyone just wanted to say its a big phobia of mine also..im sure it fuels
my anxiety big time :-( think im more scared of it as i have 2 children ect and wanna be with them forever its bizzare i so wish i never feared it and let it
become such a phobia,, ive had it years but lately its been pretty bad i just
understand how bad it is for some of you and just wanted to vent its part of
my anxiety aswell :scared15:
dazza....

[Sparkle1984]

This is my main theme at the moment, it's awful but I'm trying my best to overcome it. Reading some of the previous posts has helped to put my mind at ease, although there will always be doubt as no one knows for sure exactly what happens when someone dies (in the spiritual sense).

[Annie-pannie]

I don't fear my own death but I fear the death of my children. I fear not been able to cope in this life without them. It scares me some days to such an extent that I lose my breath and get major panic attacks.
I just don't know how to deal with this fear as it is something I cannot control. Everytime you read a book on keeping children safe it deals with issues you can control.
How do I overcome my anxiety when their is no guarantee to keep them safe. They say it is not good to think of "what ifs" because if it is going to happen it will - this scares the hell out of me.