Tickle Brain
10-08-12, 16:09
Hello All,
I'm new to this forum. I found it after searching for things to help with general anxiety as I have been experiencing quite a bit of that over the last year and a bit and been struggling to make sense of and get a handle on it all.
I'm 27, have always had a tendency to be over analytical, and a bit of a worrier which caused me to get myself into a bit of a stew sometimes (I had a couple of moments where I worried if I was wrong for not believing in god and was therefore destined to hell - or some other philosophical thing I didn't need to runimate on) though I wouldn't say I generally had problems with anxiety or other mental health issues.
At the start of last year I found myself jobless, without any ideas of how to get work and living back at my mother's who I've never got on that well - since family problems when I was little. Also I had just lost my nan and had a traumatic experience of derealization due to an misguided experiment with the drug salvia - which added to my subsequent fears of over my mental health while struggling with depression/anxiety.
Over the next six months I slowly tried to get some voluntary work, then some paid work and finally something career orientated. Staying at home, in the spare room with all the junk that had got dumped in there my self esteem and confidence were really low. I felt vulnerable emotionally/mentally, worthless directionless and empty - feeling like i didn't exist. I had difficulty with all sorts of negative automatic thoughts such as that I didn't exist or that I was going to get a serious mental or physical impairment or a thought wishing I would. I slowly got on top of these thoughts and then tried to work on the feelings of hopelessness and feeling on the edge. At the start of this year I moved away for an apprenticeship - I was still feeling pretty low and stressed and worried that the change would be bad for my wellbeing but at the same time was desperate to move forward - which I did for a few weeks before I came home as things didnt work out.
Back home I carried on the same way as before - trying to get my life sorted out, every setback made me feel lower, emptier and more stressed. I feared going mad or having a breakdown and that any setback could push me over the edge but I had no choice but to plod on - and I was still surviving. I contacted the local mental health service who gave me a bit of counselling but it didnt help much - they failed to understand and explain the problems I was having and just kept saying I was doing the right thing. It became apparent that the support I wanted for the situation I was struggling with wasn't really there unless I 'went off the rails'. I concentrated on getting work and getting a council place so I could move out and have my independence again. I have made some progress having got a trial week with an apprenticeship on monday and am in a fairly high band on the housing list so should get a house in a month or so. In the meantime I'm going to try moving from my mums (in a village) to the spare room with a nice retired lady in town where I have my support network - it seems to be a good idea though I'm anxious (as always) about adding more stress to my life and the loss of tv and internet to blank situations and feelings out - I wanted to just move to my own place but I don't know when I will get that.
Not being in control of my life has had a big impact on my thinking patterns and feelings which I'm trying to make sense of and move forward from - back to normal. So I wanted to ask you guys if you had experienced these things, if they are normal for anxiety and any tips for dealing with them.
Disconnection from my true self - I felt like I spend the majority of the time in a dreamy state as I was putting my true identity/feelings on the shelf while I dealt with a situation I felt I wasn't meant to be in. A lot of times I felt empty like I'd forgotten who I was - talking to people engaged my memory and helped me remember every now and then - which I think was important.
Confusing thought patterns - questioning the reality and nature of my existence and mind that broke my train of thought and left me confused for a second. Things like "did I think that?" "Am I still the same person" "Do I still have a mind" - I know they are bizarre but when I was feeling bit lost they would trip me up a bit - I think this is what people mean by wobbly brain - or your mind turning against you - but I haven't got much information on it - Is there a psychological name for it. Also sometimes I would think "I haven't had a wobbly thought for a while" and would get confused anyway. This can be a big problem when unoccupied though when busy or with someone they don't trouble me much.
Often worrying about losing contact with reality, or having a meltdown.
Fear of dying soon or just ceasing to exist for no reason.
Fear of panic attacks - which I think I'm managing to avert - I have moments where it seems hard work to avoid them as I keep coming back to the edge.
Anxiety about taking control of my life again - it is up to me to find meaning again.
Fear of losing control of my thoughts
Times when I have no intentions or thoughts - except that I no intentions and thoughts and should do something as I might get too spacey
Fear of not being able to reassociate when spacey
Fear of situations getting out of my control.
Any thoughts on these would be very helpful, in the meantime I shall plod on trying to do positive things and not get too affected by my disruptive thoughts and feelings - I am still okay now so I should be okay - and get settled and make more friends - I dont have close ties to family and don't have many close friends so it is often hard to feel settled. I'm considering another course of therapy counselling to get my head round things a bit better. During this frustrating phase I have had some ideas of what I want to do with the rest of my life and am starting to make changes to move forward though it will be hard to get used to being normal again - just thinking about that too much makes feel the on the edge of a panic attack feeling, its scary as I can't confide in people as much as I'd like and I am trying to make changes. Little steps I suppose.
I'm new to this forum. I found it after searching for things to help with general anxiety as I have been experiencing quite a bit of that over the last year and a bit and been struggling to make sense of and get a handle on it all.
I'm 27, have always had a tendency to be over analytical, and a bit of a worrier which caused me to get myself into a bit of a stew sometimes (I had a couple of moments where I worried if I was wrong for not believing in god and was therefore destined to hell - or some other philosophical thing I didn't need to runimate on) though I wouldn't say I generally had problems with anxiety or other mental health issues.
At the start of last year I found myself jobless, without any ideas of how to get work and living back at my mother's who I've never got on that well - since family problems when I was little. Also I had just lost my nan and had a traumatic experience of derealization due to an misguided experiment with the drug salvia - which added to my subsequent fears of over my mental health while struggling with depression/anxiety.
Over the next six months I slowly tried to get some voluntary work, then some paid work and finally something career orientated. Staying at home, in the spare room with all the junk that had got dumped in there my self esteem and confidence were really low. I felt vulnerable emotionally/mentally, worthless directionless and empty - feeling like i didn't exist. I had difficulty with all sorts of negative automatic thoughts such as that I didn't exist or that I was going to get a serious mental or physical impairment or a thought wishing I would. I slowly got on top of these thoughts and then tried to work on the feelings of hopelessness and feeling on the edge. At the start of this year I moved away for an apprenticeship - I was still feeling pretty low and stressed and worried that the change would be bad for my wellbeing but at the same time was desperate to move forward - which I did for a few weeks before I came home as things didnt work out.
Back home I carried on the same way as before - trying to get my life sorted out, every setback made me feel lower, emptier and more stressed. I feared going mad or having a breakdown and that any setback could push me over the edge but I had no choice but to plod on - and I was still surviving. I contacted the local mental health service who gave me a bit of counselling but it didnt help much - they failed to understand and explain the problems I was having and just kept saying I was doing the right thing. It became apparent that the support I wanted for the situation I was struggling with wasn't really there unless I 'went off the rails'. I concentrated on getting work and getting a council place so I could move out and have my independence again. I have made some progress having got a trial week with an apprenticeship on monday and am in a fairly high band on the housing list so should get a house in a month or so. In the meantime I'm going to try moving from my mums (in a village) to the spare room with a nice retired lady in town where I have my support network - it seems to be a good idea though I'm anxious (as always) about adding more stress to my life and the loss of tv and internet to blank situations and feelings out - I wanted to just move to my own place but I don't know when I will get that.
Not being in control of my life has had a big impact on my thinking patterns and feelings which I'm trying to make sense of and move forward from - back to normal. So I wanted to ask you guys if you had experienced these things, if they are normal for anxiety and any tips for dealing with them.
Disconnection from my true self - I felt like I spend the majority of the time in a dreamy state as I was putting my true identity/feelings on the shelf while I dealt with a situation I felt I wasn't meant to be in. A lot of times I felt empty like I'd forgotten who I was - talking to people engaged my memory and helped me remember every now and then - which I think was important.
Confusing thought patterns - questioning the reality and nature of my existence and mind that broke my train of thought and left me confused for a second. Things like "did I think that?" "Am I still the same person" "Do I still have a mind" - I know they are bizarre but when I was feeling bit lost they would trip me up a bit - I think this is what people mean by wobbly brain - or your mind turning against you - but I haven't got much information on it - Is there a psychological name for it. Also sometimes I would think "I haven't had a wobbly thought for a while" and would get confused anyway. This can be a big problem when unoccupied though when busy or with someone they don't trouble me much.
Often worrying about losing contact with reality, or having a meltdown.
Fear of dying soon or just ceasing to exist for no reason.
Fear of panic attacks - which I think I'm managing to avert - I have moments where it seems hard work to avoid them as I keep coming back to the edge.
Anxiety about taking control of my life again - it is up to me to find meaning again.
Fear of losing control of my thoughts
Times when I have no intentions or thoughts - except that I no intentions and thoughts and should do something as I might get too spacey
Fear of not being able to reassociate when spacey
Fear of situations getting out of my control.
Any thoughts on these would be very helpful, in the meantime I shall plod on trying to do positive things and not get too affected by my disruptive thoughts and feelings - I am still okay now so I should be okay - and get settled and make more friends - I dont have close ties to family and don't have many close friends so it is often hard to feel settled. I'm considering another course of therapy counselling to get my head round things a bit better. During this frustrating phase I have had some ideas of what I want to do with the rest of my life and am starting to make changes to move forward though it will be hard to get used to being normal again - just thinking about that too much makes feel the on the edge of a panic attack feeling, its scary as I can't confide in people as much as I'd like and I am trying to make changes. Little steps I suppose.