Hello I've finally found some courage

[eeyoresraincloud]

It has taken me a while to get the courage to write, and before I do let me apologise as I think its going to be a long one as there is over 15 years to get off my chest.

I was bullied between the age of 11-14 by a girl at school. nothing physical just getting the whole of my year not to speak to me one day, then the next everyone being my friend. I truanted from school most days and got into a lot of trouble with the schol authorities for it.

I changed schools twice, and still managed to be bullied in each school.

During my serious bullied times I binged on chocolate, crisps and sugary drinks, stopped washing and hardly left my bedroom, choosing to keeping antisocial hours, so I slept during the day and evening and only emerged when my family were all in bed.

Finally at 15 the school authorities gave up on me and left me alone.

Since then I have managed to allow myself to be 'put upon' in every job I have ever had.

From the age of 17-29 I had a serious drinking problem, where I was consuming half a bottle of vodka a day, this I have managed to stop and now do not touch alcohol.

My problem now is that I am terrified of being away from my house. I live on a high street so I can go shopping, cause I can see my house, but if it is out of my view I am convinced I am going to faint or collapse.

I still have a weight problem and am about 7 stone over weight, and am convinced this is to do with my fear as I worry about collapsing and then having the humiliation of some poor souls having to lift me up. Having been diagnosed with high blood pressure a couple of years ago has only led to cementing my fears.

I have no friends apart from my husband and family, I have no social life, at the moment I cannot even think of working, I just feel that I am slowing down and my world is getting smaller. I moved to the seaside a couple of years ago to start a new life, and this life is worse, as the one I left behind wasn't great but at least I had a job.

Not working is putting a strain on marriage as I have tried to tell my husband how I feel, but he just says 'well lose weight then'. Oh my, if it was that easy I would have been free years ago. I know I need to lose weight, but there is something in me that just won't let me, and also, to lose weight you need to execise, not easy if you can't go very far from your house, and are convinced your going to have a stroke if you get mildly out of breath.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that I am scared. Too scared to go to concerts, cinema, restaurants, pubs, anywhere I may have to sit down incase I break the chair, too scared to go to the end of my road where there is a beach, to scared to get in other peoples cars in case I weigh it down too much. I don't overeat, I eat about 1800 cals a day, too many I know, but not that many to explain my huge weight problem.

I am just tired of feeling like this everyday, I want children and a life, but haven't got a clue where to start so if any of you are still with me and haven't nodded off to my boring ramblings, any ideas will be gratefully received.

[Twila]

Hello eeyoresraincloud
I think it is great that you found the courage to come to this forum. i understand how it is to be afraid so much. I am not a great advise giver, but maybe you just need to go see a Dr. and ask for some help if you want to lose weight. Even get some kind of counseling to talk about what is bothering you. And maybe their help will give you alittle confindence to start changing the things that are making you so unhappy. Hope you will get better:D:D:D Keep on writing at this forum. Everyone here will be glad to help you.
Twila

[twiglet]

Hi, eeyoresraincloud
Welcome to the forum. there is great people here and you get great support.
first of all WELL DONE on giving up the drink. i know its not easy but you can do it.
second of all, have you tried perhaps a exercise tape/dvd at least you could do that without leaving your home. and perhaps ask your husband to participate. then your not alone and if you start getting panicky hes there to give you support.
hope i've been a little bit of help.
take care,
twiglet

[Clare_63]

Hi Eeyoresraincloud

Welcome to NMP you have made the first step in loggin on and you will find great people who have loads of good advice to share. Everyone here is or has suffered in some way and I have found they are only too happy to make suggestions and try to help point you in the right direction.

Take care

Clare

[trac67]

Hi,

Welcome to the forum, you will get a lot of good advice here and make some new friends

Take care

Trac xx

'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'

[alexis]

Hi well done on posting and welcome, you will soon find you are not alone, and make lots of friends, take care.xxx

[Karen]

Hi there

Welcome to the forum.

You'll find some good help and support here.

Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[Piglet]

A very big welcome to the site :D

Love Piglet x

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[chucklehound]

Welcome to NMP

Take care

Chuckle

xxxx

[Sue K with 5]

Hi

Welcome to NMP !! I had serious bullying issues as well so I can really relate to some of what you have said. My self esteem hit an all time low about five years ago and now jy agoraphobia has almost taken my life over.

Finding NMP was my salvation and I think finding this is going to help you understand so much more.

Stick with us and if you ever want to chat PM me


Sue with 5

scknight

[eeyorelover]

Hi there and welcome to the site :)
I'm sure you will find alot of great info and a bunch of supportive people here.
By the way, LOVE your user name :)
xxx
Sandy
eeyorelover

[giddy]

Hello there and welcome to the forum.
love Helen

[silver]

Hello fellow binger, you are not alone. So much of what you said struck a bell with me, it reflected how I felt so much in my life. It took ages for me to finally go to an eating disorders clinic. If you look on line at Eating Disorders Assocition you will find links to help you. I still occassionally binge but nothing like the amount I used to and finally after about 3 years I have almost stopped. I also like many others was bullied at school. It took me years to realise and lots of councelling by the EDA that it was not my fault. The power that a bully gets from his or her actions is what they crave, dont give them the power. You have to realise you cant change the past, your bully is never going to say sorry or even give you a passing thought, so why should you let them have a hold over you now. Forget them, they were rubbish people, you are not and you deserve better treatment for yourself by yourself. Dont repeat what they said to you in your head all the time. Tell yourself you are better than that. I even made a effigy of my bullies and stomped it into the ground and spat on it. You can do the same. They were not perfect, they were not right. You are better than they were. Forget your size for the moment and work on your ego. Good luck, and welcome to the group. Janet

[eeyoresraincloud]

Good morning everyone,

Thanks for the replys, it has really cheered me up this morning to come on here and realise 'I'm not mental!!'

It felt wonderful to get everything out in the open and say things 'out loud', well all right not out loud, but not just in my head either, that was the first time I have ever put that stuff out there for other people to know about.

Looking back over what I wrote, it really does seem that everything links back to my being bullied, and yet if you were a close family member of mine, you would never have a clue as I am such an outgoing person within my family, someone who is loud, funny, passionate, opinionated, and yet it seems that the old bullying, weight thing is gently gnawing away at the back of me and now it seems as though it has got right through. I really thought I had laid it all to rest and that my weight problems were down to a thyroid problem (oh how I prayed).

Thinking about it maybe I am keeping myself 'fat' as a kind of barrier from joining the real world, does this make sense????

[flutterby]

Hello
Welcome to the site. I know how your feeling with the weight issue, i was bullied at school and at home and think i rebelled by eating more and staying fat. it wasn't until i stopped worrying about it that i lost 4 stone, im still about 4 stone overweight so still got a way to go. Try going to your GP as they can help with weightloss and also keep an eye on you whilst your losing weight.

Take care and feel free to PM me if you want to chat...



Flutterby xx

[Granny Primark]

Hi,
A huge welcome. There are plenty of people who will understand what you are going through.
I had the opposite problem at school i was laughed at for being thin. Now its popular to be stick thin. ( just my luck to be born at the wrong time! lol)
I know that youl get loads of help and support from the members on this brill site.

Take care
LYNN

[net]

hi
its hard losing weight i've yo yoed for years and am still 4 stone overweight although am trying to lose it now. i have a friend whose a counsellor and he said i use my weight as a barrier and he also said that i'm not overweight because i'm lazy or have no self control but because i have an eating disorder which is as bad as bulimia and anorexia.

net

[eeyoresraincloud]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">hi
its hard losing weight i've yo yoed for years and am still 4 stone overweight although am trying to lose it now. i have a friend whose a counsellor and he said i use my weight as a barrier and he also said that i'm not overweight because i'm lazy or have no self control but because i have an eating disorder which is as bad as bulimia and anorexia.

net

<div align="right">Originally posted by net - 24 July 2006 : 13:45:59</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Wow I never thought of it as having an eating disorder as I have never really binged or purged apart from when I was at school, thats really interesting. I supose I do use food as an emotional crutch, so there maybe something in it. Will have a look around the web.

Thanks

[nomorepanic]

Hi eeyoresraincloud

Welcome aboard.

Have you considered that you may not be eating enough calories each day. I found out recently that I need to eat more to lose weight.

Also your Gp should have someone there who can advise you on diet and nutrition.

Hope you get some great support on here as well.

Nicola

[polly daydream]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Best wishes,

Polly

[jackie]

we all know what it is like to be so afraid so please dont feel you are boring us because many of our stories are familiar. it all boils down to the same thing, fear and not allowing ourselves peace of mind

please talk when you need to and never apologise as we are here to listen

i hope you get some comfort from knowing you are not alone

do you get councilling?

jackie

[Vex]

Welcome. I'm new here, myself. From what I've seen, the people here are very helpful and give good suggestions/ideas/advice. Best wishes to you with your situation. Congrats on quiting the alcohol.

As for exercise, try to find some way to motivate yourself and do a vhs/dvd exercise video at home! You could start slow by maybe doing some pilates/yoga to get you used to a routine for your physical health and you won't really get out of breath - or at least too much with that. They won't really help you lose weight but it's good for your body. I enjoy yoga/pilates a bunch. Then you can move yourself up to more cardio kind of stuff and whatnot.

Good luck!

"We will ignore the cult of doom and gloom and embrace the cause of zoom and boom. We will laugh at the stupidity of evil and hate, and summon the brilliance to praise and create. No matter how upside-down it all may temporarily appear, we will have no fear because we know this secret: Life is crazily in love with us—wildly and innocently in love with us. The universe always gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it."

[jinny]

Hi

I know how you feel and its a drag. When i first had my anxiety attack i was also too scared to go out, even as far as the end of my road. I set myself little challenges each day and made myself do them all the time saying mantras etc.

The first book i read which is now like my bible You Can Heal Your Life by Louise l Hay this helped me so much. The Power is always in the Present Moment is still what i say over and over to myself each and every day.

If you like reading its well worth a try 8 people i know have bought this book on my recommendation and learnt from it.

Also can recommend Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers.

Hope this helps xx

I am new to this website but hope this helps you.


jhughes