Elle-Kay
12-08-12, 22:05
A couple of months ago my mum & sister went on holiday to Germany for a week and I was a wreck for the whole week. I didn't sleep for 48 hours except for cat naps, and only slept for the rest of the week because I was so exhausted from being on 'high alert' the whole time. I didn't eat more than a few bites of any meal, and I barely left the house except to go to the shop or the Dr. I ended up having two firsts that week: I was signed off work with anxiety/panic for the first time in my working life, and I contacted the Samaritans for the first time ever. I felt so alone, even with my husband at home and my dad nearby.
Well, my parents went away for a week's holiday in their campervan to Yorkshire yesterday, and even though I coped ok yesterday ('ok' being the operative word - neither good, nor awful) this evening is turning out to be a different story :sad: Or rather, it's the same story as before, which is the most frightening thing - I CANNOT go through that again this week. I just CAN'T cope with it and that's all there is to it.
I was SO desperate for this NOT to happen. I told myself that last time was different, because other things that were going on in my life (with work) are now over, and my family were out of the country last time, but this time they're only a couple of hours away. It's happening again regardless though, and I really don't know how (or if) I'm going to go through it again.
I've bought CBT4Panic, but I've only really finished book 1 so far and I don't feel equipped to cope with this sort of thing so I've resorted to old habits, which I know are wrong. I've kept myself busy all day and worked until I'm exhausted, and at the moment I'm sat in bed surrounded by all the things I cling to to distract me - books, laptop, crossword book, DS, TV on...
I've just fought off two panic attacks - tingling skin, sweaty palms, trembling, wobbly legs, light-headed, nausea, desperate need to escape (to where?! I'm already home in my supposedly safe place!), the works - and I can feel that it's still right there, sitting right under my ribs waiting to pounce on me again. I'm trying to clear my mind of the bad thoughts, but it's not working especially well. All I can think of is that my parents aren't here, where they "should" be; that I need them to be here to stop me panicking; that I'm trapped here, in my bedroom, because if I leave the room I'll get attention from my husband and sister (who lives with us) which I don't want because I need to be alone (they mean well, of course, but them hovering round me trying to help just makes me more conscious of myself); that if I change channel on the TV or put my laptop down I'll panic again because I'll have lost focus, but that if I don't change channel at the adverts there will be ones for food and that will push me over the edge. Even writing about it is making me feel bad again :sad:
I have a box of Nytol by my bed, and a packet of Diazepam (2mg) in my bag which the Dr prescribed the last time I felt like this, to help me manage, but I'm too scared to take them as it means putting something in my stomach, and also in case they don't work because that would mean I have NOWHERE left to turn :weep:
I'm SO close to texting my mum and begging them to come home first thing in the morning, but that would make me the worst possible version of myself because I know they would, if I begged them to, and yet I know at the same time that I would feel 50% better when I knew they were on their way, and 100% better once they were home. But then the guilt would set in, which would only make me feel worse about myself than I already do.
I really don't know what to do, and I'm so sorry for waffling on like this, but I'm so, so scared, and I feel like my life is never going to be the same again. Feeling like this, how on earth am I going to make it through the next 5 days/6 nights until they set off home next Saturday, let alone the next god knows how many years?!?! :weep:
Well, my parents went away for a week's holiday in their campervan to Yorkshire yesterday, and even though I coped ok yesterday ('ok' being the operative word - neither good, nor awful) this evening is turning out to be a different story :sad: Or rather, it's the same story as before, which is the most frightening thing - I CANNOT go through that again this week. I just CAN'T cope with it and that's all there is to it.
I was SO desperate for this NOT to happen. I told myself that last time was different, because other things that were going on in my life (with work) are now over, and my family were out of the country last time, but this time they're only a couple of hours away. It's happening again regardless though, and I really don't know how (or if) I'm going to go through it again.
I've bought CBT4Panic, but I've only really finished book 1 so far and I don't feel equipped to cope with this sort of thing so I've resorted to old habits, which I know are wrong. I've kept myself busy all day and worked until I'm exhausted, and at the moment I'm sat in bed surrounded by all the things I cling to to distract me - books, laptop, crossword book, DS, TV on...
I've just fought off two panic attacks - tingling skin, sweaty palms, trembling, wobbly legs, light-headed, nausea, desperate need to escape (to where?! I'm already home in my supposedly safe place!), the works - and I can feel that it's still right there, sitting right under my ribs waiting to pounce on me again. I'm trying to clear my mind of the bad thoughts, but it's not working especially well. All I can think of is that my parents aren't here, where they "should" be; that I need them to be here to stop me panicking; that I'm trapped here, in my bedroom, because if I leave the room I'll get attention from my husband and sister (who lives with us) which I don't want because I need to be alone (they mean well, of course, but them hovering round me trying to help just makes me more conscious of myself); that if I change channel on the TV or put my laptop down I'll panic again because I'll have lost focus, but that if I don't change channel at the adverts there will be ones for food and that will push me over the edge. Even writing about it is making me feel bad again :sad:
I have a box of Nytol by my bed, and a packet of Diazepam (2mg) in my bag which the Dr prescribed the last time I felt like this, to help me manage, but I'm too scared to take them as it means putting something in my stomach, and also in case they don't work because that would mean I have NOWHERE left to turn :weep:
I'm SO close to texting my mum and begging them to come home first thing in the morning, but that would make me the worst possible version of myself because I know they would, if I begged them to, and yet I know at the same time that I would feel 50% better when I knew they were on their way, and 100% better once they were home. But then the guilt would set in, which would only make me feel worse about myself than I already do.
I really don't know what to do, and I'm so sorry for waffling on like this, but I'm so, so scared, and I feel like my life is never going to be the same again. Feeling like this, how on earth am I going to make it through the next 5 days/6 nights until they set off home next Saturday, let alone the next god knows how many years?!?! :weep: