Here we go again - family away, but panic has come to stay

[Elle-Kay]

A couple of months ago my mum & sister went on holiday to Germany for a week and I was a wreck for the whole week. I didn't sleep for 48 hours except for cat naps, and only slept for the rest of the week because I was so exhausted from being on 'high alert' the whole time. I didn't eat more than a few bites of any meal, and I barely left the house except to go to the shop or the Dr. I ended up having two firsts that week: I was signed off work with anxiety/panic for the first time in my working life, and I contacted the Samaritans for the first time ever. I felt so alone, even with my husband at home and my dad nearby.

Well, my parents went away for a week's holiday in their campervan to Yorkshire yesterday, and even though I coped ok yesterday ('ok' being the operative word - neither good, nor awful) this evening is turning out to be a different story :sad: Or rather, it's the same story as before, which is the most frightening thing - I CANNOT go through that again this week. I just CAN'T cope with it and that's all there is to it.

I was SO desperate for this NOT to happen. I told myself that last time was different, because other things that were going on in my life (with work) are now over, and my family were out of the country last time, but this time they're only a couple of hours away. It's happening again regardless though, and I really don't know how (or if) I'm going to go through it again.

I've bought CBT4Panic, but I've only really finished book 1 so far and I don't feel equipped to cope with this sort of thing so I've resorted to old habits, which I know are wrong. I've kept myself busy all day and worked until I'm exhausted, and at the moment I'm sat in bed surrounded by all the things I cling to to distract me - books, laptop, crossword book, DS, TV on...

I've just fought off two panic attacks - tingling skin, sweaty palms, trembling, wobbly legs, light-headed, nausea, desperate need to escape (to where?! I'm already home in my supposedly safe place!), the works - and I can feel that it's still right there, sitting right under my ribs waiting to pounce on me again. I'm trying to clear my mind of the bad thoughts, but it's not working especially well. All I can think of is that my parents aren't here, where they "should" be; that I need them to be here to stop me panicking; that I'm trapped here, in my bedroom, because if I leave the room I'll get attention from my husband and sister (who lives with us) which I don't want because I need to be alone (they mean well, of course, but them hovering round me trying to help just makes me more conscious of myself); that if I change channel on the TV or put my laptop down I'll panic again because I'll have lost focus, but that if I don't change channel at the adverts there will be ones for food and that will push me over the edge. Even writing about it is making me feel bad again :sad:

I have a box of Nytol by my bed, and a packet of Diazepam (2mg) in my bag which the Dr prescribed the last time I felt like this, to help me manage, but I'm too scared to take them as it means putting something in my stomach, and also in case they don't work because that would mean I have NOWHERE left to turn :weep:

I'm SO close to texting my mum and begging them to come home first thing in the morning, but that would make me the worst possible version of myself because I know they would, if I begged them to, and yet I know at the same time that I would feel 50% better when I knew they were on their way, and 100% better once they were home. But then the guilt would set in, which would only make me feel worse about myself than I already do.

I really don't know what to do, and I'm so sorry for waffling on like this, but I'm so, so scared, and I feel like my life is never going to be the same again. Feeling like this, how on earth am I going to make it through the next 5 days/6 nights until they set off home next Saturday, let alone the next god knows how many years?!?! :weep:

[robinhall]

Hi Elle

Remember that so many people on this forum - including myself - know EXACTLY what you are going through and how difficult it is to deal with it all. You are not alone in what you are feeling and I know you will get a lot of great support here.

The panic you are feeling right now is very understandable due to the fact that you felt so bad the last time they went away. Our memory is a powerful trigger and it is often impossible to just switch it off - so try not to beat yourself up that you are feeling this anxious. Tell yourself that you were bound to feel anxiety - it is understandable - you haven't done anything 'wrong' and you most certainly aren't doing anything 'wrong' in trying to deal with this in any way that you can. Later you might learn new ways to deal with the anxiety but right now you ARE doing the best you can. If distraction helps right now then at least let yourself do it without any guilt. We ALL resort to distraction techniques when the going gets too tough.

Can I suggest that you might want to have a glance through the second workbook of CBT4PANIC because it WILL give you lots of very easy to follow techniques to reduce the anxiety - even as you read them. Look at the 'Acceptance Behaviour Strategies'

There is also what I call an 'emergency video' where I talk you through a panic attack - so that might be helpful. And lastly a lot of people tell me that when they are feeling overwhelmed it helps to read the book "The panic dialogues' where I give a transcript of online support with a client who was going through some severe panic (I talk her through the panic each time).

But I also fully understand if right now you want to avoid anything that talks about panic or anxiety - let yourself do whatever you feel is most helpful to you right now.

Feel free to email me if you need any help
Robin

[dally]

I understand completely how you feel.
I have valium 2mg for emergencies and have herbal drops etc for backup.
My husband works night shift. one week in every four. He started this job about 5 years ago and the first week he did night shift I thought I would die. The thought of being alone (altho I was in my home like you my safe place) I did take 4mg of Valium that night. It never touched me becos I was sooo far gone with anxiety. However, I listend to my relaxation cd on loop. played my ds, watched tv and eventually could feel myself falling asleep about 4 am. and that was only night 1.
I had the fear of god in me for night 2. I worried about it ALL day, but I got to sleep about 1 ish, next night about 1 hour after I went to bed and it got easier.
Next month I was a state on the first night all over again.
5 years on. I dont like it when he has to go to night shift but I no longer panic. and If I occassionally do, I take 2-4 mg valium. I dont c the point in being in terror all night myself. (during the day I try to fight it)

What 5 years of having to do without my "secure" person has taught me is....that you can manage without them. In this instance I have no choice . My husband HAS to go to work.
But you have a choice whether or not you "let" your parents have a holiday. I know the feelings are horrendous but i completely assure you by day 4 or 5 you will feel so much better. You CANNOT allow yourself to stop your parents getting a holiday. cos you might then start not wanting them to go out for the evenening or overnight, just incase you need them.
Be glad you have your husband, and sister, who are beside you. At least you are not alone. I wish you well, I understand, remember nothing bad is going to happen to you. It is only adrenaline. Your family are in your house with you. Your parents WILL be back in only 7 days. good luck

[Elle-Kay]

Thank-you Robin & dally. It's nice to know that people are out there who understand. Night times are always my worst times - always have been. The time just seems to drag by, and I feel at my most vulnerable.

I know it's really not that long, but from now to next Saturday just seems like an eternity to me at the moment. I start to think to myself that it's not long, but then I think of how long the last hour has seemed and that I have to get through 5 more nights after tonight, as well as the days, and it suddenly feels like next Saturday will never get here.

[Elle-Kay]

Update:
I'm (tentatively) happy to say that I made it through the night without another panic attack. I eventually put my head down on the pillow at around 1am, and did manage to get to sleep soon after. It was a bit wobbly, but before I settled down I read a bit of the panic dialogue you recommended Robin, and made a conscious effort to relax my stomach, turn my attention outward etc. once I laid down to sleep, which I think did help me drift off more quickly than the last time this happened.

I also remembered that when I saw a Psychologist before, in my teens, she spoke to me about what she called the 'awareness continuum' where I should say to myself what I was aware of beyond myself, e.g. "I'm aware of the wind blowing in my hair...I'm aware of a guy hammering nearby..." I'd completely forgotten about this, for years, but I realise now that what she was trying to teach me was to turn my attention outward, away from the bad thoughts, so I practised that this morning too when I ventured out to the shop.

I still feel apprehensive this morning, especially if I think about tonight, but I'm trying to accept that that's ok, and understandable, and am trying not to 'stir' it with additional thoughts, so we'll see how it goes.

[24track]

Well done!! ;-)
You CAN get through it all, see?!!
We are all here for you and as has been said know exactly how you feel. You are certainly not alone, and nothing bad is going to happen.
I love using hypnotherapy mp3 files for anxiety elimination, they really calm me down so that coping is so much easier. Check out Barrie St John if you are interested.. soooo soothing when I feel like that!
Good luck and keep us informed!

[nicola1980]

Hi i know exactly how you feel my parents had to cancel their holiday in april 2 days before they went because id worked myself up into such a state about them going and im married with a child too! i was having panic attacks and literally begging them not to go, im now in a much better place mentally thanks to the right meds but their due to go away again in a few weeks and already i can feel the fear and panic inside of me when i think about it xx

[dally]

Hi elle-kay

How have you been getting on when your parents have been away has it got any easier?

[Elle-Kay]

Hi dally. Thanks for thinking of me. It's been up and down. The worst times have been at bedtime, but rather than put off going to bed (it wouldn't be the first time I've slept on the sofa, just to avoid going to bed) when I've started feeling anxious about bedtime I've actually made myself go and get into bed to face it straight away (not at 4 in the afternoon or anything obviously though, lol) instead of building up the anticipatory anxiety. When I first posted I felt able to lay down to sleep at around 1am, then the next night it was midnight, and the last two nights it has been 11pm, so it has been getting a little easier once I've gotten over the initial anxiety about it being bedtime.

I've just had a wobble over a stabbing pain in my side, so I've come through to bed to relax with a bit of TV before I lay down to sleep.

I'm still counting down the days (nearly into hours!) until my parents are home, but on reflection I can see that this week hasn't been as bad as the week when Mum was away before. I think maybe I need to start keeping a graph/diary to remind myself about that sort of thing, as it always seems like the end of the world each time I get anxious when really it often isn't as bad as I've faced before.

[dally]

Hi,
Yes the anticipation is a killer. Everything to do with panic gets easier. Just wish it would go away completely. Right now you probably dont want your parents to go away again EVER. but take heart that, in general, this time was slightly easier than the last, and next time will be slightly easier too. You cannot remain in the trap. You have to keep going forward facing your fear. and ofcourse allow your parents to go on holiday.

I have Just had my Hair highlighted this week in a hairdressing salon!!
It sounds so ridiculous to type it, but sitting in a chair for 2 hours and feeling trapped and not being able to run puts the fear of god in me.

The last time I had it done was May. It was horrendous and I had two major panic attacks whilst sitting on the chair. I just closed my eyes and told the hairdresser I was tired and was going to have a nap while she got on with it.
I could actually see myself shaking in the salon mirror and was trying desperately to control it. I did stay to the end. Obviously I had to. I couldnt run out with half dyed hair!!
It was so horrendous I thought I could never go through that again, but just like you with your parents holiday. I tried it this week and It wasnt as bad as the first time.!! It acually seemed to go quicker and I only had a couple of panic attacks threatening to come (shakes) but I tried muscle relaxation and deep breathng and they didnt build up.
So even though I got through it. I know I will be VERY worried the next time. But I WILL Go again.
Take what you have learned. That you can survive without your parents and congratulate yourself for surviving and acknowledge that if you have done this once you can do it again and also can achieve other things you thought impossible.
good luck with everything