a new anxious feeling

[dabrucru]

Hi,
So, it started about 2 months ago. Its that when i try to get imtimate with my wife i get very anxious, i m avoiding intimacy for fear that i wont perform well. Now its been 2 weeks since the last time we were, you know... and the touth of this 2 weeks is making me more anxious, any one in the same situation, btw i m 38 , geting old maybe?

[beauty]

Hi Dabrucru,

I can understand how you could feel like this, intimacy is a source of anxiety for so many people and for so many different reasons, even people who generally don’t suffer from anxiety.

Try not to focus too much on the timescales as this will get you more worked up, intimacy should be one of those things that you do when you feel like it, and if for the last 2 weeks you haven’t felt up to it due to anxiety don’t let this worry you too much. There’s no point forcing it then not enjoying it. But at the same time obviously you’re aware that you are avoiding it which is something you need to overcome.

Is there any chance you can talk to your wife about this, or would you prefer not to? Obviously talking about it could help overcome the fear itself, and no doubt your wife would reassure you. However I totally understand if you don’t want to talk about it with her as it’s a very personal thing.

I would suggest going through either in your head or on paper the reasons you are afraid and working out whether these reasons are valid or not. You will probably find that most of them are not valid and just fears which have spiralled out of control in your mind. Then I’d suggest just trying to be intimate with your wife in some way, don’t put a huge amount of pressure on yourself, if it doesn’t work out well that one time its not the end of the world and wont result in anything serious. But at least you will have tried it and faced the fear a little. If you continue like this gradually you will probably realise that the fears were unfounded and things will return to how they were before.

The main thing is not to put too much pressure on yourself, in terms of how often you are intimate or how well it goes. I highly doubt your wife will be judging you negatively and some of the things that worry you are possibly things she wouldn’t even notice or care about.

Keep me updated on how you get on.

[dabrucru]

Thanks for the wonderful post, what you said all makes sense, ithink my main fear is that its 2 weeks, and for no reason i get anxious. as for speaking to my wife, she s not so suportive re anxiety, she s like afraid of even the word. i m alone in this see.