teez
16-08-12, 23:05
hiya its been years since ive posted on here,,i answer posts but never posted,,but now ive no-one to turn to who would understand,,
for the last few weeks i had a throat infection which effected my breathing,,you know how we are only takes a little thing to knock us off course ,,the more stressed i got over my tight chest the worse it got,,played havoc with my agoraphobia yet still i pushed myself to go out with hubby,,i had some dreadful panic attacks but still i pushed myself to cope with day to day living as best i could,,my ibs also decided to join in giving my confidence yet another knock,,then we had a heatwave deep joy thinks i my life just keeps getting better ,,i hate heat at the best of times ,,that did it i found myself staying in one day, one i had a particular bad day for miss beats never had so many in a day before of course i know the more i thought about it the worse they got,,but then mum was taken ill,,shes in her eighties and not at all well,,i couldnt even get myself to go to the hospital putting rubbish out was traumatic enough,,so ive spent a week indoors ,,i know this is wrong because even missing a day going out makes it twice as hard when i do go,,but i woke today thinking thats it ive had enough of all this im going out,,i took the dogs out for their walk on the grass,,slight breeze in the air gave me a little more confidence the weather was that bit cooler,,the miss beats were already making themselves felt cos i knew what was to come i was making today the day i went out,,so i got ready and asked hubby to take me shopping,,id not taken my beta blocker i was going to wing it,,i shook head to toe,,my head was zapping like lightening but i did it id managed the packed shop,,even bought us both a cuppa and sat in the cafe still uptight but proud of my achievement,,hubby wanted me to see my mum whose back at her home,,which i didnt think i could do cos it was heating up and by now i was tired no actually exhausted ,,but i really wanted to see her ,,so i soldiered on,,when we got there my brothers and sisters were there and they have never understood my mental health issues something most of us know about,,and there i sat being had a go at by them all for not going sooner,,its no use saying but last week i felt so ill,,its no use saying when im ok we go daily to mums home to see her,,it wasnt worth the breath i was struggling to get to say it was all i could cope with to be there now,,it was bad enough i felt bad for not going over sooner but when i get that low and my agoraphobias in full swing you cant get me out the door for love nor money,,but minutes before id been flying ,,id been so proud of what id done ,,i sat like a little girl being punished ,,needless to say as we got in my nerves jangled ,,i spent the afternoon in the darkest of places still am if truth be told,,and tomorrow ive been ordered i must go again,,im already scared ,,i dont sleep as it is but im coiled tighter than ever and its to be hot too,, why is it people cant understand mental illness or just dont want too,,yet if it was something they could see maybe that would be ok,, sorry to moan but theres no-one in my life that understands just how hard i have to work just getting through the day,sorry i hate posting negative things but there really is no-one to turn too,thankyou for reading my long post
for the last few weeks i had a throat infection which effected my breathing,,you know how we are only takes a little thing to knock us off course ,,the more stressed i got over my tight chest the worse it got,,played havoc with my agoraphobia yet still i pushed myself to go out with hubby,,i had some dreadful panic attacks but still i pushed myself to cope with day to day living as best i could,,my ibs also decided to join in giving my confidence yet another knock,,then we had a heatwave deep joy thinks i my life just keeps getting better ,,i hate heat at the best of times ,,that did it i found myself staying in one day, one i had a particular bad day for miss beats never had so many in a day before of course i know the more i thought about it the worse they got,,but then mum was taken ill,,shes in her eighties and not at all well,,i couldnt even get myself to go to the hospital putting rubbish out was traumatic enough,,so ive spent a week indoors ,,i know this is wrong because even missing a day going out makes it twice as hard when i do go,,but i woke today thinking thats it ive had enough of all this im going out,,i took the dogs out for their walk on the grass,,slight breeze in the air gave me a little more confidence the weather was that bit cooler,,the miss beats were already making themselves felt cos i knew what was to come i was making today the day i went out,,so i got ready and asked hubby to take me shopping,,id not taken my beta blocker i was going to wing it,,i shook head to toe,,my head was zapping like lightening but i did it id managed the packed shop,,even bought us both a cuppa and sat in the cafe still uptight but proud of my achievement,,hubby wanted me to see my mum whose back at her home,,which i didnt think i could do cos it was heating up and by now i was tired no actually exhausted ,,but i really wanted to see her ,,so i soldiered on,,when we got there my brothers and sisters were there and they have never understood my mental health issues something most of us know about,,and there i sat being had a go at by them all for not going sooner,,its no use saying but last week i felt so ill,,its no use saying when im ok we go daily to mums home to see her,,it wasnt worth the breath i was struggling to get to say it was all i could cope with to be there now,,it was bad enough i felt bad for not going over sooner but when i get that low and my agoraphobias in full swing you cant get me out the door for love nor money,,but minutes before id been flying ,,id been so proud of what id done ,,i sat like a little girl being punished ,,needless to say as we got in my nerves jangled ,,i spent the afternoon in the darkest of places still am if truth be told,,and tomorrow ive been ordered i must go again,,im already scared ,,i dont sleep as it is but im coiled tighter than ever and its to be hot too,, why is it people cant understand mental illness or just dont want too,,yet if it was something they could see maybe that would be ok,, sorry to moan but theres no-one in my life that understands just how hard i have to work just getting through the day,sorry i hate posting negative things but there really is no-one to turn too,thankyou for reading my long post