Impending visit - really scared

[Phil]

Hey guys.

I've made a friend online, who will be in the country next week. A friend and I are going to meet her and her friend, and it'll be the first time I've ever met her or heard her voice. I get on with her really well, and consider her a friend, but for the last couple of days I've been getting incredibly anxious about seeing her. I've been doing really well up until just a couple of days ago, and even had a full-blown panic attack the other night. I just don't know what to do with myself. It's making me feel so low and so depressed. My appetite is gone, and I feel really nauseous if I try to eat a normal amount. I'd just started lifting weights and going for lots of walks over the last week or two, having been unable to do so due to a back injury, but skipped my workout today because I don't want to get my heart rate up.

A couple of years ago, one of my first big experiences with panic and anxiety was when I would go to visit a girl I'd met online who lived in London. Basically, I started to like her in that way, and she liked me back, but the closer we got and the more I felt for her, the worse I felt. I had some dreadful experiences having panic attacks in her company. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to explain it, I just wanted to get as far away from her as possible, but at the same time I really liked her.

I suppose meeting this girl next week has got me feeling like the same thing is going to happen again. Like I'll lose control, and feel awful for weeks and weeks.

I have some diazepam, so technically I should be able to take some and feel fine, and get through the day. It's not the same though, is it. And it isn't helping me to not feel scared. I just don't know how to prepare myself for it emotionally. I don't know what to do. I'm seriously freaking out just at the prospect that she might call me when she gets to the UK. We've never spoken on the phone. I don't know why it scares me so much.

*sigh* Basically, my mum died when I was in my early-teens, very suddenly. If I ever start to like someone or feel dependant on them, alarm bells start ringing. The more vulnerable I get, the worse I feel, and the more anxiety I feel. I've made a good friend, who's nice to me, and very understanding about my problems, and I don't want to mess this up for myself by losing control.

[darkangel]

hi phil

ive been in your position with meeting people from the net and it is scary - you build up a friendship with someone you have never met and never saw before then the day approaches when you decide to meet and all the whats ifs come into your head.

i would say just try and be yourself and remember that both of you will be nervous - it is good that you are taking a friend for support so that should make things a little bit easier.

let us know how it goes - i am sure the person you are meeting has already built up a relationship with you so she will understand what you are going through and be very supportive to you.

take care

darkangel



........life is for living not just for surviving

[Southern_Belle]

Phil,

These feelings that you are expressing sound very normal to me. You have opened yourself up to someone on-line that you have never met. Normally you would have done this slowly in person so this is why your anxiety level is higher than normal. We all get nervous starting new relationships. Of course you are scared to meet her in person as this is new and even if you didn't have anxiety issues this would be nerve wracking but just know that anyone would feel this way and this should ease the anxiety.

On the other hand, what a wonderful experience you are going to have. You are going to meet someone, not by yourself, who already knows you somewhat and will have a great time.

I'm sure she is just as nervous as you are so try to focus on what you all will be doing and plan for the "fun" ahead and I want to hear about your success story!

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and I'm sure that has something to do with your fear of attachment. If it continues you might want to think of counseling. I think you are very brave to be doing this and also think it will be a good experience for you. Good luck and happy thoughts.

Bel

"Our thoughts are our reality"

[Phil]

Thankyou BOTH very much for your kind words of encouragement. What scares me is that even if I tell myself reassuring things, ultimately my anxiety comes from a place that's very irrational, and can just blow up. It feels like I'm not in control of myself. Wow, I'm so scared. you're right though, it's normal to feel nervous about something like this, I just can't distinguish between what normal anxiety is, and what the bad anxiety is. I'll worry so much about being anxious that it'll end up getting too much for me to handle.

[Cloudy]

Hi Phil

It's nice that you've made a friend and only natural that you should feel anxious about meeting her for the first time. Any one would feel the same way but your anxiety is making you worry about it. There'll be 4 of you when you meet so that should help take the pressure off of you. Don't feel that you have to be the center of attention or conversation as it's up to all of you to take part. Short silences are also a natural part of people being together. We can't talk all the time ( ok some of us can lol )

Before you meet up think about where you're going to meet. Have a few topics prepared that you could talk about, your surroundings, things you've done in the past, things you like to do. When you ask your friends questions try to make them so that they have to answer fully and not just a yes or no answer. For example instead of asking if they like London, which might only get a yes or no answer, ask them what part of London they like the best as it requires them to give you more of an answer to work from. You could then go on to ask why that part etc, etc.

If you'e worried about her ringing you when she gets to the UK and before you meet, then again you could prepare a few things to say. If after a short conversation you feel uncomfortable then have some excuse to end it without putting yourself under pressure. For example. you have to get to the bank, shop, meet someone or you're expecting another call so you need to go but will meet at the arranged time and place.

Keep it in your mind that you want to remain friends with this girl and don't let your feelings run away with you. If you're feelings develop in the future then that will happen but on the first meeting keep it casual. Don't force things too soon.

You haven't said if your friend knows you suffer from anxiety but if she doesn't then it might be an idea to drop it casually into the conversation, like it's just something that happens to you now and then. Obviosuly i don't know how much you suffer from this but it sounds like you've had it a while so only you will know how much you want to tell her. You felt so dreadful when the panic attacks happened in front of your last girlfriend so some kind of advance knowledge for this friend might be calming for you both.

Sorry to hear of the loss of your mum and especially while you were so young. That seems to play some part in your anxiety about getting close to people and you might need some help to come to terms with that. Have you talked with any one about it? Your family or your doctor?

I hope it all goes well. Let us know how you get on.

[Phil]

What an awesome post. Thanks Cloudy.

Yes, she does know about my anxiety. The other night when I had a panic attack, I was actually talking to her at the same time (on MSN). She's very understanding, and isn't really putting pressure on me. The thing is, is that i know she's looking forward to it, and up until recently I was looking forward to it. I'm putting pressure on myself. If I back out of this, I'm going to be unable to see her ever, because I'll always think "I couldn't handle meeting her". The fact that I'm putting this pressure on myself to get through it no matter what means that in a very real sense, I'm trapped into doing this, and whether it's something I want to do or not, having no way out like that makes me scared. Also, it's my birthday next week. 21. The day before I see her in fact. I HATE my birthday. It just reminds me that time is passing, I'm getting older, and I've done nothing with my life, and I still have these same problems. It's all a big mess that I just want to run away from, but I can't.

[Cloudy]

Hi Phil

Thanks for your comment, i'll take it as a compliment lol. If anything i've siad is able to help you then i'm happy to have answered you and i hope it all works out well.

It's good that this girl knows you suffer from anxiety and panic attacks as she won't be so phased out if it happens while you're together, so you should stop worrying about it so much.

We all put ourselves under pressure to do things, including me, even the simplest things. (I have to force myself to shop for food and cook it as i really hate doing both.) You're not trapped and there's no embarrassment attached if you should back out, but what i'd suggest to you if you want to back out is that you give her as much notice as possible and give a sensible reason. I'm sure that she'd understand now that you've said she knows about the anxiety. Anyway i don't think you'll back out as you've been looking forward to meeting her and you've already got to know her a bit on MSN.

Don't be scared. Anxiety brings on feelings that make us worry but they are JUST FEELINGS. They won't ever turn into something more than that. Don't try to run and hide from them, don't try to beat them. It's not a war. Face them head on and think about the problems you're facing. Break them down into smaller pieces and try to find a logical and workable answer to each part. If you do that then you'll work through the problems and not fear them or run from them. This is what i've done and it's helped me no end.

Happy birhtday for next week. Relax and enjoy it as you're only 21 once in your life. Get together with a few mates and have a night out and some fun. I'm middle aged and would love to be 21 again as the years have flown by. You may feel life is passing you by but that will only happen if you let it happen. All though you're mature you're still very young and have plenty of time to do something with your life. Recovery may be quick or it may take years but alot of that will be up to your attitude and how you deal with your feelings.

I wish you the best of luck but more than that i hope you take my advice.

Stay well

[Phil]

Feeling a bit better today. It really is just the anticipation of it all. I wish I could just do it in an hour instead of having to wait another week and a half, just because I want it over and done with.