GoogleNoMore
21-08-12, 18:25
it comes back with a vengence.
It has been a loooong time since I've posted, but I frequently pop in and read what is going on. I hope you are all well.
What I have learned since my last HA attack is that I have definite patterns. I do know that I get them every year around this time, about 2 weeks before the whole "back to school" thing. I never made this link before, but because my son is of school age, I see the timing. I know that I see certain things that trigger my anxiety (for example, my current fear is heart attack. Usually it is ovarian cancer. Did it help that Rosie O'Donnell just had a heart attack? Definitely not. But what really triggered it was seeing a woman last week, about my age, with a big scar down the front of her chest. I thought I hadn't really registered what I saw, but obiviously my mind was holding on to it until now.) I know that the worse I sleep, the worse I eat (or don't eat, as the case may be), the worse my attacks are going to be. And even though I know this is my D-Day of sorts for attacks, I can't seem to avoid them.
Logically I know why I have attacks at this time (due to a big health event in my life many years ago.) Logically I know that anxiety symptoms mimic a lot of health symptoms, especially with tightening of muscles, loss of appetite, dizziness, etc. Logically I can tell myself that if it was really severe, the symptoms wouldn't come and go, or that they would maybe worsen, or that I'd get more of them. Logically I know that all this time I'm wasting by worrying takes time out from actually living. Logically I know it doesn't help that I suffer from "control freak-itis", but I am learning to let go a bit more each time.
My problem: Logic is flying out the window and all I hear is "Yeah, but..."
My biggest worry (outside of all the HA stuff, I mean) is how this might affect my little one. He is observant, astute, and very alert. And he knows me so well. To rephrase a quote I read: he is the only one who knows what my heart sounds like on the inside.
And so I stuggle, like a duck gliding smoothly along, while under water, those feet are peddling furiously. I've done CBT, a big fan of it, truly, since I can now control my HA to this one time a year. I'm currently doing a "booster course" at mindGYM, as recommended by my doctor. I have plans of action for the next couple of days. I will see my family doctor day after next, just to reassure me that I am okay. If I get worse in the meantime, well, then I'll go to the hospital.
All very logical. I sound cool and collected. But then the tears well up and I cling to my husband and son as though I'm going to lose them and I keep apologizing to my support crew for being such a mess.
So there's really no point to my post (you know, logically :p), I suppose, except to use this as a place to get it all out to people who know, who've been there, and who won't judge.
And now, because I actually do feel better for having gotten this off my chest, and because I know the fresh air will do us both the world of good, I am going to talk a walk with my son.
Thanks for reading. I wish you all a beautiful day.
It has been a loooong time since I've posted, but I frequently pop in and read what is going on. I hope you are all well.
What I have learned since my last HA attack is that I have definite patterns. I do know that I get them every year around this time, about 2 weeks before the whole "back to school" thing. I never made this link before, but because my son is of school age, I see the timing. I know that I see certain things that trigger my anxiety (for example, my current fear is heart attack. Usually it is ovarian cancer. Did it help that Rosie O'Donnell just had a heart attack? Definitely not. But what really triggered it was seeing a woman last week, about my age, with a big scar down the front of her chest. I thought I hadn't really registered what I saw, but obiviously my mind was holding on to it until now.) I know that the worse I sleep, the worse I eat (or don't eat, as the case may be), the worse my attacks are going to be. And even though I know this is my D-Day of sorts for attacks, I can't seem to avoid them.
Logically I know why I have attacks at this time (due to a big health event in my life many years ago.) Logically I know that anxiety symptoms mimic a lot of health symptoms, especially with tightening of muscles, loss of appetite, dizziness, etc. Logically I can tell myself that if it was really severe, the symptoms wouldn't come and go, or that they would maybe worsen, or that I'd get more of them. Logically I know that all this time I'm wasting by worrying takes time out from actually living. Logically I know it doesn't help that I suffer from "control freak-itis", but I am learning to let go a bit more each time.
My problem: Logic is flying out the window and all I hear is "Yeah, but..."
My biggest worry (outside of all the HA stuff, I mean) is how this might affect my little one. He is observant, astute, and very alert. And he knows me so well. To rephrase a quote I read: he is the only one who knows what my heart sounds like on the inside.
And so I stuggle, like a duck gliding smoothly along, while under water, those feet are peddling furiously. I've done CBT, a big fan of it, truly, since I can now control my HA to this one time a year. I'm currently doing a "booster course" at mindGYM, as recommended by my doctor. I have plans of action for the next couple of days. I will see my family doctor day after next, just to reassure me that I am okay. If I get worse in the meantime, well, then I'll go to the hospital.
All very logical. I sound cool and collected. But then the tears well up and I cling to my husband and son as though I'm going to lose them and I keep apologizing to my support crew for being such a mess.
So there's really no point to my post (you know, logically :p), I suppose, except to use this as a place to get it all out to people who know, who've been there, and who won't judge.
And now, because I actually do feel better for having gotten this off my chest, and because I know the fresh air will do us both the world of good, I am going to talk a walk with my son.
Thanks for reading. I wish you all a beautiful day.