I told a lie !! and now I am paying for it

[Sue K with 5]

I had two very intensive therapy sessions today. One was with a family therapist and the other was my supposed cbt therapist.

The cbt went better than i thought. I went to a petrol station. God I hate them, I really really hate them. to go out is hard enough but to stand in a petrol station with cars zooming past, the heat and the smell and then having to go in a pay for it was worse than having a tooth pulled.

it took me fifteen minutes and three attempts, i got out of the car the first time, stood there dropped the pump and bolted back to the car, my therapist then tried and i told him if he did not put the pump back i would drive off an leave him there. Finally after what i am certain was 15 mins I said those immortal words " **** this is stupid" i jumped out of the car filled up with £5 walked to the door handed the assistant the £5 said dont want a receipt and got in my car. I sat in there, breathed and then drove off crying at the relief of doing it. for five mins i felt like I had just been handed the flippin lottery i was totally exhilerated. I then went to the shop brought some bits and drove home. I was in control for five mins today and it felt good.

I looked in the mirror tonight, after i had my councelling therapy and she said something today which was totally amazing, she told me my life is like a circle and i have done the full circle now and its about time I made some decisions about things. She said that i needed to think about the last year and work out what has held me back and what it is I want from my life.

So i looked in the mirror, ( NO IT DID NOT CRACK) and i saw this little girl staring back at me. This little girl who is scared and vulnerable and i realised i have to let her go to move forward. I have to look at the last year and evaluate the stupidity of my actions and move on.

I am not a child, I need to stop lying to myself and i need to focus on my needs and the needs of those around me but more importantly i need to stop punishing myself and stop looking for that buzz in life. (I might do a parachute jump) I had a fling with someone from NMP during the last year. I regret it so much because of the hurt lies and the damage it has caused and i cannot change that which has happened but i can move forward and i dont have to be punished anymore. I made a mistake and it was my fault and no one but me is to blame I caused untold hurt and pain to many people during the last year but I try in other ways to be a good person. I try to make wrong right and what i fail in for some i make up for with others. I cant make the world happy and i cant solve peoples problems. I cant make people be something else and i cannot control mychildren and family. Neither can i hide inside this PC and pretend it will go away

I have lied and for that I am mortally ashamed of myself, because prior to that I saw myself as an honest person who always told the truth. I want to start liking myself again and i need to let go of so much hurt and pain I hide inside myself, guilt and shame play a major role. But the damage is done, the story is finished and its time to move on. The one regret I have is not taking the chance of happiness and fullfillment a long time ago.

I am going back to look in that mirror again tomorrow before i attempt my sons leaving assembly and each day i venture to something else I am going to each day try and let go of that little girl cos she dont exist anymore i the adult am now in her place. I dont have to discuss what i do to the nation, i dont feel i need to share my private conversations with the world. But i do have to face the consequences of my actions that much i do know.

I lied and I am admitting to it but i lied thinking it would protect and avoid more hurt, I dug a whole bigger than the channel tunnel and I could not get out of it so the lies got bigger and bigger until in the end i actually forgot what I said. I think we all do that at some stage in there lives but mine was never intentional and for those I lied to ie Nic I am truly truly sorr

[silver]

:)[Wow!]

I bet that feels better, good for you. Have a hug! Janet

[trac67]

Mate,

That took a lot of courage to write what you did, and I hope it helps you to put it all behind you and to move on now. What happened last year is in the past and this is a new beginining from now own.

I wont say anymore than that as we have our long discussions on msn lol, but just remember everyone makes mistakes in their lives and you can't punish yourself forever for them.

Onwards and upwards from now on, and start to focus on you for a change.

Love

Trac xxx

'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'

[kate]

Sue,

I don't know what happened over the last year but what I do know is that you have made the decision to turn the corner and this is a very brave thing to have done.

As the old saying goes "Today is the first day of the rest of your life". Guilt is a pointless emotion, it drags us back down again and again. To move on from the past and move forward from today is indeed a wonderful thing to do.

Sue, I wish you so much luck in moving forward and enjoying the rest of your life, guilt free.

Sending loads of love

Kate xxx

"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"

[Granny Primark]

Sue,

Your story has bought a lump to my throat.
Please dont punish your self any longer. Its time now to move on and put the past behind you. Whats done is done. Theres no going back just moving forward.
Im a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.
Some time in the future youl think yes that happened and now im happier and stronger than ive ever been.
From what i know of you, your a good person and a loving mum.

Theres a whole new world out there and a new life for you.

We only get one stab at this life.
So go girl and give it your best shot.

I wish you loads and loads of love and happiness.

Take care mate.
Im here for you if you need me.
Lots of love
LYNN

[emmy]

hi mate

i know where your comeing from and well done you for opening up it is the hardest thing to do and for that i bow to you babe....

just remember when ever u need to talk you got us...

i went for counsiling and she said that to me about my inner child and i am just comeing to terms maybe we can do it together

emily xxxx

if it looks like it works and feels like it works then it works!!!

[Ammeg]

Hey susan!!
Its so nice to just ofload things isnt it!!! I aint got a clue wot ur on about but thats me!!! lol
I think ur fab and hope this is the start of a new beginnin for u!!
Ammegxxxxx

[clickaway]

Full marks for being so open and honest, Sue. You are one strong lady.

But please don't beat yourself up about this. A great many people have flings and affairs, and so have to lie and deceive even if its not in their nature.

Now you have to work on the future, and I know that's so hard but you are taking great strides.

Ray xxx

[manmoor]

Aw Sue,

We still love you babe xxxx And your very brave to admit it.

Love you

Mandy Mono
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Sue K with 5]

Thank you Trac, Emmy,kate,silver and Lynn.

That, I think has got to be the hardest thing i have ever had to do but i do feel better for doing it

I still love this person so very much, it seems no matter what someone does to you you cant change how you feel. But I am like i said going to move forward take one day at a time and try and focus on getting a damn cure for panic, anxiety and agoraphobia.

Thats my ultimate challenge, that and trying to get a 4 year old to school every day.

Thank you for not judging me or condeming me. i do appreciate that so much it made me feel almost humble to read your responses.

I am not a compulsive liar, I lied to keep a secret and to stop people from getting hurt. Not a great plan. I know trusting me will be very hard but i have never let anyone down on here, and i am hoping people will see that and know that to anyone i have ever spoken to on NMP i have always tried to be caring helpful, honest and genuine and that will never change.

I lied about a man i loved and an affair i was having and i lied about knowing him, mainly because he is i might add a little stranger than your average guy but to me that did not matter, he was who he was and i accepted all of that about him.

Pity he could not do the same for me. and an even bigger pity he could not respect my privacy on here and other places. He once put a post on a website offering my services to men in parks because i let him down and changed my mind at the last minute.

But thats no excuse for my behaviour because no matter what someone does to me I still find it in my heart to forgive.

You know one thing i do know is this. I have lied I admit it lied but i would never ever cheat on a friend with a man she loved if i knew how she or he felt.

It takes a big person to forgive and an even bigger person to admit when they have done so wrong. Maybe they should look at there own mistakes and look at the real truth.



scknight

[ollie35]

Hi Susan,

Ollie here :D

That was very brave of you and I hope it helped you release a lot you may have stored up. It does not matter what you did, what mistakes you may have made, what matters is what direction you decide to take from here. I don't want to know your private life, that is your business, but it shows that what you were doing was trying to escape, trying to find some false happiness, covering up the sadness inside.

This may just be me but here is my story................

I was a very confident person who had my whole life ahead of me. This was never enough for me I wanted more. I started to take drugs and life for a few months seemed like one big party. Well it was until the day I had to take them to feel normal. This lead on to me having chronic anxiety and panic attacks. What did I do as my life seemed to go downhill? I replaced drugs with drink, I slept with so many women I lost count, I took other drugs. I basically ran away from myself and reality, I just wanted something to make this hell go away. Well it was never going to go away until I faced my problem head on. It was time to try and get some self respect back, I needed to not look too far forward and take it day by day, to build my life and my self-respect back up. All the drink, the sleeping around, the drugs, everything stopped that day. Bloody hell reality was hard, but at least I now could start to move forward.

I could bore you with the rest of my life through to my recovery. My recovery though was not easy, it took a hell of a lot of accepting and courage. I fell of the bike many times, but kept filling myself with more knowledge and kept jumping back on. I studied the subject until I was blue in the face, I did this because I wanted to give something back, I wanted to feel pride in myself. I may have messed my life up for all them years but I was going to try and help others, I wanted to feel like I could give something to people.

My life is so different now, I would not change it for anything, helping people and having my self-respect back is all I ask. I don't look back with any regret on them times, I look back with pride that I was able to go through all that and come out a better person. I did what you did, I looked in the mirror and decided it was time to change the rest of my time, the past was the past and it was going to stay there.

Feel no guilt Susan for the past, we would all turn the clock back at some point in our life if we could, but life is all a learning curve. We can't change the past but we can sure hell change the future.

Take care mate

Paul


www.anxietynomore.co.uk

[Sue K with 5]

Ollie

Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I just hope now its not too late.

Someone once told me if i did not change i would die a very lonely old woman stuck in a house with no hope for any happinnes. Actually my husband said the same this week as well.

Well this is not going to be easy,m its going to be damn hard but today I made my start.

I went to my sons leaving assembly from primary school a hall for of what must have been over 100 people. To make it worse I was the second to last person in there but I managed to stay for 25 mins I was bloody impressed with myself.

It was very hard but i faced it,only reason i left early ws cos of the damn heat. I am not joking it was like sardines in a tin. I had to hold my own hand and i am very proud of that.

Ollie like you i dont think regretting solves anything it is about looking at your life as it was and plan for what will be and i am going to follow what you said

Thanks you all so much this is amazing


sue

scknight

[kate]

Well done, Sue, for going to your son's leaving assembly!

Phew, must have been awful in this heat but you still did it!

Love Kate x

"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"

[tracyp584]

Sue (my cherubina),

Firstly a HUGE well done for this afternoon, especially under the circumstances you went and did AMAZING (on your own).

As for the rest, well you know I would never judge or think anything other, than what a fantastic friend you are.

You are such a strong person, and the best is yet to come from you. You are the most supportive and reliable friend, and you deserve nothing but happiness.

So whatever happened over the last year, IS IN THE PAST.
It is also in the past and over for a reason, so heres to the summer holidays!! (6 weeks yippeeee), lets keep ourselves busy.

Thanks for all your help,

(Mrs Timberlake)

tracy x x



Every time you avoid your fears they become stronger,every time you face your fears they become weaker.

[Sue K with 5]

oh flip me AKA is back!!

thats lovely guys and kate thank you yes it was bloody hot. But it had to be done.

Oi choccie your the best and you can have my kids for the six weeks thats a lovely offer oh and trac thanks honey you can have josh


Wooo hoo six weeks off

Yes !!!!

scknight

[eeyorelover]

Hey Sue -
You know I luv ya babe.
So you lied huh?? I'll bet if you did a poll on here - not one person could say they haven't lied about one thing or another (well if they lied then they could say they always tell the truth but then that would be a lie - oh hell nevermind)
Don't let it get you down Sue. You are a good person!!!!
Just move on and be happy. :)
xxx
Sandy

[Sue K with 5]

lol

Sandy I can always rely on you to make me smile. Thank you so much

I am sitting here with a grin on my face, and now imagining an nmp poll on people telling lies. **** thats a scary thought


Thank you honey


xxxxx

scknight

[clickaway]

A quiet phone sent me good omens[8D]

Fantastic mate!



Ray


http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

[nomorepanic]

Hi Sue

I know that you feel bad about lying to me and as I have said before it isn't important and doesn't matter.

I was just worried about you and was trying to find out what was going on.

As you know, I was sent some of your email correspondence with this guy and in the end I just removed them without even reading them as it was invading on your personal life.

I never judged you atall. I just wanted you to be honest with me and you were in the end and I know that was hard for you.

I would never say that you were wrong for having an affair and I am all for people getting happiness when and where they can. Life is too short for regrets and being so unhappy that you end up with someone else anyway.

Thanks for your honesty and I know that you can move on from this and rebuild a new fab life with you and the six million kids (haha). I still remember you coming in chat and everyone said OMG - you have 5 kids lol.

Onwards and upwards Sue and good luck.

Nicola

[trac67]

Sue, mate can't I have Jade and Willow, i'm more used to girls lol, No offence meant Josh I'm still your Auntie Trace lol xxx'

'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'

[Sue K with 5]

Nic that means so much to me it really does my dad always said i had terrible taste in men!!

He used to say I am far too trusting and need to find myself a mr nice guy so i think men are out of the equation and i am going to focus on children, religion, weight loss and exercise.


Thank you for responding


Hugs


sue
xxxx

scknight

[Granny Primark]

Sue,
Im so glad that my probs made me friends like you.
Dont have regrets now just move on.
Im sure your strong enough to cope.
Send your kids to my house for a holiday id be in my delight looking after them, and you go off to a health farm for a pampering.
us mums always put our kids first sue, but when theyre older you just find that theyve used you and abused you.
Take my advice and be Susan Knight the woman and not just the mum and wife.
Im here when you need me
always remember that
Take care
Love from your mate Loopy
xxxx

[wobily_lin]

Hey Sueeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Sue, I applaud you hun for doin this. I know that it must have been very difficult for u to do. It took guts hun and I'm so so proud of you.

Like so many here hav already said, this is the time to move forward. The first step. I know you havn't got a bad bone in ur body hun. We hav all made mistakes. You are there for so so many Sue and you care so much for ppl. Do not beat urself up anymore about the past hun. Yes it will take time but Sue i know u will get there now. You deserve to. You too deserve to be happy hun.

Sue ye tart, I love ye hun. The slate has now been wiped clean as the say. Just be yourself.

" Climb every mountain, Search high an low, Follow every rainbow, Until ye fine you dream" lol prob got the words wrong but ye get the gist eh??

Things happen in life that none of us hav any control over and we cant help who we love. We are only human an altho i had me suspitions lmfao so are you. Heal now Sue. Love yourself for a change. Give yourself some time. You hav always been there for me and i thank you for being my friend.


Take care of you for me ye nutter. Well done for the school thing too. This heat is killn me as ye know. You're doin so great. I have every faith in u.

One more thing........ A CONFESSION PHONE LINE ON NMP??? LMFAO...... DON'T EVEN GO THERE!!!!!!! I COULDN'T COPE LOL.

tata ye tart. love ye loads.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx

Take care,

Lin.
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