sammy1977
28-08-12, 10:02
Hi,
I've always had problems with depression but I spent a long time dealing with my issues with some great success. I recently have developed horrendous symptoms that began approximately 8 months ago and have increased in severity and intensity.
I have a history of abuse and I had counselling for a long time.
I have a range of physical symptoms which I think were increased by the abuse which include GERD and osteo-arthritis. I have coped with these the best way I can and I work full-time, I'm very successful at work and have been promoted twice recently.
I suddenly started to develop allergies and chest pain which nobody can diagnose. I was admitted to hospital about two years ago with moderate allergic symptoms, I remember lying on the trolley and someone asked me if there was anyone I could call and I said there was nobody, they said 'are you sure this is quite serious' I just hung my head and cried. This episode I think had a severe effect on me and I decided that I would get out there and not be so lonely. (I cut ties with my family because I continued to experience them as abusive). Since then I did voluntary work and made friends in the local community and got myself a boyfriend. Everything was great until I found that he was messaging other women behind my back, he was having emotional affairs with them and he made sure that they were on the other side of the world so that they could never flourish. Still this knocked me for six. I have since then started to develop routines where I am checking his stuff to the point where it has become a ritual to alleviate my anxiety and it is driving me crazy, I have had suicidal thoughts before but I have never sat down and planned stuff out before and I have recently done this twice, the only reason that I didn't do it was because I wanted it to be 100% effective and I couldn't find a sure fire way and by the time I did I was feeling better. In the past I would just know that it was a phase that my life would get better etc. When I am like that I just don't care about any of it. I also get horrendous sleep disturbances, nightmares and obsessive thinking, I throw myself into my work which is a blessed relief it is so busy. My whole flat has now become a massive trigger and I hate being here. I have been prescribed propranolol 80mg a day and I take it before bed when my symptoms are the worst, unfortunately I then wake up with this horrendous panic which then drives the whole ritual again, I tried to stop the ritual but I went crazy screaming and banging my head against the wall. The propranolol does help and I have not been so suicidal but I have begun to get aggressive and irritable as well. I am not sure that the meds are helping that but my GP wants to prescribe something else as well with a sedative effect. My tongue tingles a lot of the time and is numb, I just wondered if this was a side effect. I have also been booked in for a talking therapy but it seems such I long way away and I feel almost desperate. I am not normally an aggressive person but I just feel so overwhelmed by these feelings that if someone tried to stop me from doing something that calms me down it would be a major trigger. The only place I do not feel like this is work where I am calm, relaxed and play a major leadership role, I Just find that incredible the difference between the two...I just feel that things are getting worse and I have no control over my moods. I walk at least 6 miles a day so that I am so tired it helps me sleep. I have lost nearly a stone in weight in the last month as I am on an enforced diet, if I eat too much fat I get horrendous chest pain and have an allergic reaction, I just wish I could get to the bottom of it all...
I've always had problems with depression but I spent a long time dealing with my issues with some great success. I recently have developed horrendous symptoms that began approximately 8 months ago and have increased in severity and intensity.
I have a history of abuse and I had counselling for a long time.
I have a range of physical symptoms which I think were increased by the abuse which include GERD and osteo-arthritis. I have coped with these the best way I can and I work full-time, I'm very successful at work and have been promoted twice recently.
I suddenly started to develop allergies and chest pain which nobody can diagnose. I was admitted to hospital about two years ago with moderate allergic symptoms, I remember lying on the trolley and someone asked me if there was anyone I could call and I said there was nobody, they said 'are you sure this is quite serious' I just hung my head and cried. This episode I think had a severe effect on me and I decided that I would get out there and not be so lonely. (I cut ties with my family because I continued to experience them as abusive). Since then I did voluntary work and made friends in the local community and got myself a boyfriend. Everything was great until I found that he was messaging other women behind my back, he was having emotional affairs with them and he made sure that they were on the other side of the world so that they could never flourish. Still this knocked me for six. I have since then started to develop routines where I am checking his stuff to the point where it has become a ritual to alleviate my anxiety and it is driving me crazy, I have had suicidal thoughts before but I have never sat down and planned stuff out before and I have recently done this twice, the only reason that I didn't do it was because I wanted it to be 100% effective and I couldn't find a sure fire way and by the time I did I was feeling better. In the past I would just know that it was a phase that my life would get better etc. When I am like that I just don't care about any of it. I also get horrendous sleep disturbances, nightmares and obsessive thinking, I throw myself into my work which is a blessed relief it is so busy. My whole flat has now become a massive trigger and I hate being here. I have been prescribed propranolol 80mg a day and I take it before bed when my symptoms are the worst, unfortunately I then wake up with this horrendous panic which then drives the whole ritual again, I tried to stop the ritual but I went crazy screaming and banging my head against the wall. The propranolol does help and I have not been so suicidal but I have begun to get aggressive and irritable as well. I am not sure that the meds are helping that but my GP wants to prescribe something else as well with a sedative effect. My tongue tingles a lot of the time and is numb, I just wondered if this was a side effect. I have also been booked in for a talking therapy but it seems such I long way away and I feel almost desperate. I am not normally an aggressive person but I just feel so overwhelmed by these feelings that if someone tried to stop me from doing something that calms me down it would be a major trigger. The only place I do not feel like this is work where I am calm, relaxed and play a major leadership role, I Just find that incredible the difference between the two...I just feel that things are getting worse and I have no control over my moods. I walk at least 6 miles a day so that I am so tired it helps me sleep. I have lost nearly a stone in weight in the last month as I am on an enforced diet, if I eat too much fat I get horrendous chest pain and have an allergic reaction, I just wish I could get to the bottom of it all...