hempchick
28-08-12, 20:29
Hello all, I really have no idea what is going on with me. I have never experienced this before.
Last summer (2011) I got with my boyfriend. We worked at the same job. I didn't want to date him at first, I'll admit, because he seemed like a 'friend zone' type of guy and wasn't terribly manly. I soon was contradicted and we have had a wonderful relationship now for over a year.
When our job ended, (it was seasonal) he got a job at an auditing firm and I got a job as a teacher's assistant at a private school. I was happy for him, especially since he comes from a humble background, very self disciplined, etc.
About halfway through the year I had these scary thoughts out of nowhere that I was falling out of love with him. Those transformed into "ok, now I know I love him, but what if he doesn't love me that much?" As you can imagine this caused me a great deal of depression and anxiety and I was not successful at my job, always felt looked down upon and tried to keep my fears from him.
The depression got worse this summer because I was unemployed. The school didn't think I was mentally ready to take on the challenge of leading summer school.
I have become so down on myself. I can't understand the good things that people say about me, I feel like a loser, I've gained more weight. But the strangest thing is:
For whatever reason, I feel like I resent my boyfriend.
If I do, it is for no reason at all. He is very supportive of me, always complimenting me, wanting to do nice things with me.
And yet, whenever I get into discussions with him I feel stupid. He doesn't make me feel stupid. It's just that he's so educated, and I had to be in remedial classes all of high school... He has a great job and is making a lot of money, he has his own place.. I work 4 hours a day for $10/hr and live with my mom.
I don't want to feel this way towards him. I don't want to feel unsuccessful when I'm with him. But I feel like I'm totally angry at myself and am somehow taking it out on him.
Anyone else experience this? Any advice?
I don't want to ruin our relationship because of my stupid insecurities.
Last summer (2011) I got with my boyfriend. We worked at the same job. I didn't want to date him at first, I'll admit, because he seemed like a 'friend zone' type of guy and wasn't terribly manly. I soon was contradicted and we have had a wonderful relationship now for over a year.
When our job ended, (it was seasonal) he got a job at an auditing firm and I got a job as a teacher's assistant at a private school. I was happy for him, especially since he comes from a humble background, very self disciplined, etc.
About halfway through the year I had these scary thoughts out of nowhere that I was falling out of love with him. Those transformed into "ok, now I know I love him, but what if he doesn't love me that much?" As you can imagine this caused me a great deal of depression and anxiety and I was not successful at my job, always felt looked down upon and tried to keep my fears from him.
The depression got worse this summer because I was unemployed. The school didn't think I was mentally ready to take on the challenge of leading summer school.
I have become so down on myself. I can't understand the good things that people say about me, I feel like a loser, I've gained more weight. But the strangest thing is:
For whatever reason, I feel like I resent my boyfriend.
If I do, it is for no reason at all. He is very supportive of me, always complimenting me, wanting to do nice things with me.
And yet, whenever I get into discussions with him I feel stupid. He doesn't make me feel stupid. It's just that he's so educated, and I had to be in remedial classes all of high school... He has a great job and is making a lot of money, he has his own place.. I work 4 hours a day for $10/hr and live with my mom.
I don't want to feel this way towards him. I don't want to feel unsuccessful when I'm with him. But I feel like I'm totally angry at myself and am somehow taking it out on him.
Anyone else experience this? Any advice?
I don't want to ruin our relationship because of my stupid insecurities.