hi all - after some reassurance am so scared

[ljaynew]

not sure if this is the right forum as I seem to have so many problems at the minute
and am not sure I can post all of them as they relate to abuse & problems I have with sex as well as my 'other' problems

I've been on anti depressants before (citalopram) about 7 years ago after having a minor break down when my son (5th child) was about 6 months old
that was what I would call 'real' depression - crying all the time - spaced out not really knowing what was going on
took the meds a month or so to work (and the first moth was hell) but got there in the end & came off them after a couple of years

found myself a little 'job' I could do online & was fine for a bit

but I think I let me job take over my life & 2 years ago I had an unrelated incident which ended with an ambulance ride to a&e nothing found to be wrong & came home tired but ok

then a day or so later I started with ectopic heart beats - loads & loads :( which obviously really freaked me out ) doc put me back on the citalopram as they were really getting me down as well as frightening me

I stopped doing the work I was doing from home in case that was causing too much stress

had another month of awful increased anxiety - during which time reading these forums really helped and agin the pills seemed to start working

had tests done for heart & all came back clear

and settled down to just being a mum to my 4 girls & austistic son

i was still really tired all the time tho so about 6 weeks ago I decided to stop taking the citalopram ( was taking 20mg) and see if I felt better off it

was doing fine or so I thought but then hubby gave me a huge shock (involving texts to a gay man) which I thought I had dealt with ok - I was upset angry & v scared but only in a normal way

but then my brain just seemed to take over (this is where Im not sure I am allowed to post the detail) and I ended up in freefall for a couple of days until I really really scared myself
fortunately I managed to get myself back under control & realised I desperately needed some help
but it unleashed all my old who am I what am I doing her axieties my fear of nearly everything I do & what people think of me
but also a whole heap of nasty memories of an adult being 'innapprpriate' when I was a teenager

so really I think I have so many probs
the general anxiety about evrything
not being able to settle
overanalysing everything I do
not being able to switch my brain off atall

and now this whole new set of fears relating to the sex thing

Went to see my GP & got husband to explain what had gone on & then he went out & I told her a bit more about how I felt & how I realised that this time I really needed some kind of therapy as there is no magic pill

she wanted me o go back on the citalopram in the meantime but I was so scared of the side effects I have experienced before and didnt want to take it so she has given me sertraline 50mg & said to cut it in half if I was still worried

Took my first one last night & as expected mind is in overdrive this morning so much that I end up with a headache

but I guess what I really wanted to know was whether anyone had had this many issues & come out the other side ?
am so scared that nothing is going to 'fix' me this time !!

[miniminx]

hi, i cant say ive gone through the mill as much as you, but ive had some bad times in my life .
You will come out the other side like you did before.
The pills can and do heighten anxiety, for a couple of weeks, and you may feel theyre not working , but please keep taking them.50mg is the starting dose for sertraline....im on 150mg , and i was on citalopram before and it didnt work the second time around for me.
keep us posted how you are........trust me youll get there x:bighug1:

[ljaynew]

thank you :)

am battling my brain at the moment

I know I always react badly to the first week or so on anti ds

thats why I was too scared to take the citalopram this time & GP agreed to try the sertraline and to cut the 50mg in half

I guess I just know that its going to be a long hard road & wonder if I am going to be able to do it

I have 4 girls aged 9,10,12 & 14

the 10 year old is an absolute nightmare :( nothing ever seems to please her she doesnt seem to think her day is complete unless she has picked a fight with one of her sisters or me or her dad :(

and I have an 8 year old severely autistic son - he has no speech is still in pull ups & has just starting having seizures
.we have security chains on doors to stop him entering rooms ( in particular the bathroom as he will flood the toilet & drnk the water !! ) and he will bite his sisters & pull their hair
On top of all this I have never been the most confident person

cant use a phone, speak to strangers or even go on a bus :(

you just get to wondering if its always going to be this hard & if life is just going to be full of learning coping stategies & being pleased to get to the end of the day !

so now we are entering fear of the unknown

will the pills help
will I be able to learn a whole new way of thinking
can self confidence be taught - and am I strong enough to learn !

anyhow
thank you again
louise x