Help...? :C

[meganmuffinsxox]

Right well.
Basically I have no idea what I'm expecting from you... but a member of this site, suggested i post on the forum, as he doesn't really have any advice to give, as he hasnt experienced what I'm going through himself.

So here's my little story:

Basically, the feelings all started when my mum didn't want me anymore, i got out of care and came to live with my dad (in a different area, so i had to FULLY start again.)
I didn't go to school for the first mhm... 6 months, 7 maybe? i forget >__<
anyway, a fairly long time.
so i had a LOT on my plate, i was getting depressed, i was lonely, and i never left the house. Ever.

So after around 4 months? (i forget, sorry D: )
The feelings were getting worse, i resorted to deep cutting (wrists, tummy, chest, legs), and overdosing, to make me go to sleep. and starving myself for around 3 days at a time.
also, i didnt get out of bed, ever.

After around a month of this, i took a serious, overdose, knowing exactly what i was doing, i wanted to get rid of the pain.

I woke up, in serious pain, couldnt really breathe through vomit tbh.
Rang an ambulance. Stayed in hospital for just over a week, my liver got better, i got let out.

I then went to counselling, where i put on a big fake smile, and lied.

The school accepted me, because of this.

I started going out, etc. I felt better, for a very short while.

Now I'm moving again, a LOT of change is going to be happening in 2 weeks time for me, all these feelings are coming back, i get urges to cut, i eat ALL day, (junk food) to try and comfort eat. And some days, i hate to say this, but i have thought of, if i hadnt got an ambulance...

basically, its horrible, if i think, i just break.
I have NO control, whatsoever over myself...
I get pretty much hysterical. And bad thoughts such as the above, pop into my head. uncontrollably, my chest aches and feels like im being torn apart. I usually, end up curled up somewhere, hysterical
Erm as i said, not sure what I'm lookin' for here but my friend said i should get help, & maybe post here how I'm feeling..

Also, i am PETRIFIED of people. (especially family), knowing how i feel. Thats why ive lied to all my counsellors last year and after the attempt. So going to the doctors atm isnt an option for me.
I just wont be able to even tell, my dad, how i feel.

I'm broken. and i dont know how to fix myself.
And ive felt like this for so ****ing long.
I just want, need it to go away...

[diane07]

Oh how sad, bless you.

You have been through so much, its no wonder you feel the way you do.

Why is it that you feel you can't talk to anyone about these issues, would not writing them down explaining what you feel, help at all.

It is a fantastic start that you have posted, its opening up which is a good thing.

How far are you moving? maybe just maybe it may be a good move for you??

Talking is the key? you need to open up and get rid of all those fears you have, a problem shared is a problem halved, so to speak.
Don't let your fears be the barrier in your road to recovery.
It must have been hard for you to post this, but well done you, as it is a huge start into you getting your life back on track.

di xxx

[meganmuffinsxox]

I honestly dont know, it just petrifies me, even the thought of talking or telling someone exactly how i feel ;C
people knowing, it scares me...
For example in hospital i sat in silence in my bed and refused, completely to talk about it, when they found my tummy was completely cut up underneath my shirt. :/

and im in kent, south now, going all the way back up to, darlington, north.
and no, it wont. Im not going to explain why that is though...

and i physically cant... and i thought about it for a while, but decided i may as well :/

and thanks for the post

xx