Anxiety After Breakup

[CherryCola]

Hi guys,

I've posted a few times before looking for advice.. All of which was very helpful :) I would just like to know if anyone can relate to the experience of anxiety after going through a break-up and what they would advise..?

Just to give you some background info - I'm a twenty-two year old female with Autism, OCD and anxiety issues. My Fiance broke up with me in May after eighteen months together. He was my first boyfriend, so my first love. I trusted him completely, he was my best friend (as I'd never really even had friends before) and seemed to support me well with my issues. However not only did he leave me incredibly cruelly, but he also left me with an incurable STD :blush: I'm struggling to come to terms with it all.

I'm not coping with the change, the lonliness, the despair I feel.. I am so fearful of my future now. I'm terrified no one will want me and that I'll be alone forever. I feel a huge amount of anxiety on a daily basis and I really can't function anymore. I'm on week three of Prozac. I'm not seeing much difference. The only other thing that really does trigger my panic attacks is the fact that I am still friends with him on Facebook and I'm aware he seems to be with a new girl now and it causes terrible panic attacks. I've been told it would be best to 'unfriend' and have no contact, but I just can't shake the feeling of betrayal that he could do this to me and just move on.. This man told me he 'would never leave me, no matter what'.. It just makes me feel so sick. How do I go about dealing with these fears? I just feel so suicidal some days. I don't know where to start fixing this whole mess.

Thank you for listening x

[diane07]

What an awful time you have had :hugs:

You have your whole life ahead of you and i know it just won't feel like it right now.

This bloke has let you down massively, and no wonder you are really hurting, talk about kicking someone when they are down.

For someone who is 22 years of age, you sound so mature and you are so worth better than what he has promised you.

The best advice i was given when i had my heart broke was to delete and remove all contact, so there is no way you can see what he is doing in his life, its just not worth torturing yourself over it, all it will do is hurt you more and you don't deserve that.

You will find someone who will make them promises and mean them, someone who wont care about the std but will love you for the person you are.

I know it won't feel like that at the moment, but it will happen.

And you don't need to fix anything...........thats the ex's problem and not yours, he is the one who let you down.

keep it in your head that you are worth so much more than the way he treated you.

di xx

[Lesley anne]

Great points!! Take care of yourself and big hugs x:hugs:

[CherryCola]

Thank you very much for the replies! :hugs:

Diane - Life does look pretty scary right now.. One of the hardest things to deal with is the feeling of shock that just doesn't go away. Every day I wake up and just feel shocked that he's not there; that he did this to me. It's very difficult. I trusted him completely. I believed every word he said. I don't know how I'll trust again.

Thank you - you've really helped. I know I shouldn't be with someone who treated me so badly. I just feel such an attachment and loss still. It's very frightening. He actually used my depression as an excuse as to why he broke up with me.. He didn't give me any reasons when he did it - he did it over the phone too. He just said he 'didn't feel anything' for me anymore and never could. About a month later when I spoke to him because I needed to get a few things back he told me that it was all my fault because my depression and mood swings brought him down. He never mentioned that when we were actually in the relationship - in fact he told me to stop taking my anti-depressants because they affected my sex drive! Feel quite manipulated and just surprised that the man I was ready to spend my life with was not at all who I thought he was :(

Thank you Lesley! :) x

[diane07]

I can totally understand how you feel............believe me, i'm 43 and i've had my share of ups and downs in relationships.

You trusted this man and he let you down, he used your depression as an excuse to break with you, told you over the phone, said he didn't feel anything for you!! And a month later he reiterated the whole thing again by reminding you it was all your fault.

He didn't end there, he then wanted you to stop your medication.

I wouldn't feel manipulated as you feel, you loved him and he turned out to be not a very nice person indeed, you should feel relieved that you didn't commit and spend the rest of your life with him.

I think he just used every excuse he could to break up, and using the excuses he did was cruel as it has left you questioning you..............

You need to stay strong... pick yourself up and dust yourself down....and remove all contact with him, its the only way to move forward and believe me its not easy.

What you should be saying to yourself is.............how dare he?

How dare he come into YOUR life, make all these demands and then just tell you over the phone that he's basically moved on.

Wish my laptop had big arms to send you a big hug, you didn't do anything wrong............he did.

Do keep telling yourself that and don't beat yourself up, you've been hurt enough.

di xx

[CherryCola]

Thank you so much Diane.

I am really beginning to see how awful he was.. I tried making a list of all the negative things in our relationship and it really helped. It made me really see logically how terrible he was to me. I know that, I just have to get my emotions to work with me! :doh: I feel very up and down.. My rational side battles with the irrational constantly. I tried to get out today, but ended up having to run back to the car so I could have a cry. I just feel so very hurt by this still and I wish I could properly accept that this happened and that I need to move on from it.

Yes, I suppose had we got married, etc; I would have had a lot more to lose if he had done this. To be honest, I don't think he ever planned on marrying me in the first place. Looking back on it, he had become distant since we got engaged in March -he'd barely spend any time with me at all. The proposal itself was a spur of the moment thing (during an argument, I might add! Not very romantic, LOL.) and I think he panicked and realised he couldn't go back on it. We were only engaged two months before he left. I just wish he could have told me instead of leading me to believe it all. He also used to tell me that me catching his disease was a good thing because it meant that I was supposed to have his children and he even went as far as telling me we should try for a child next year. He really built things up, which is why it shocked me.

You're completely right. How dare he? He knew I had mental health issues and he could have mentioned that it was becoming difficult. He knew that I had been feeling suicidal the week he broke up with me, but he didn't care. He knew I wasn't supposed to have any more stress as it causes physical problems for me. He knew this would put me back to square one and it's just terrible to think someone who supposedly loved you could do that.

Sorry for rambling on.. It has really helped to get it all out of my system. The more I talk about it, the more I become aware of just how cruel he's been to me.

Quick note - how long before the Prozac will kick in do you think? Coming up to week three now and not really noticing it :(

CherryCola x

[diane07]

Yayy :yahoo:thats it girl, thats the fighting spirit to keep hold of.

You will move on from this and remember that time is a great healer, and it really is.

The guy will have done to him what he did to you at sometime in his life and he will feel the pain you have.............this i am a great believer in, what goes around.......comes around.

You stay strong and keep tight hold of that fight in you because "how dare he"

I don't know about prozac, have you posted on meds forum, you'll get the best replies on there hunni.

di xx

[CherryCola]

Thank you :)

I'm trying.. I suspect this may take some time to get over. But I can't wait to finally get there.

I too believe in karma - I try to have faith that the Universe won't let him get away with the anguish he's caused. And not just to me - but to my whole family too. My Mum has been very upset and stressed with it all too and she's been recovering from a spinal cord tumour, so he really couldn't have picked a worse time to do this.

Just gotta keep telling myself to be brave :)

Thanks - no problem; I'm going to go see my GP on Tuesday anyway, so I think I'll ask him then about meds and whether there's a quicker reacting one that I can try as I've been on and off prozac since I was fifteen now!

CherryCola xx

[Mr Brownstone]

You should look on the break up as a positive. He was clearly a bit of an arse (to put it mildly). Its no wonder you are taking it so bad if he was your first real boyfriend. You get so involved emotionally, for it to just get taken so quickly, and without notice is bound to have an effect that will last months.You have to unfriend him immediately. That will be the first step to moving on from him. And dont look back...theres someone a lot more suitable for you out there.

[CherryCola]

Thank you :)

I'm trying - I am seeing all the negatives and how I really shouldn't be with someone who could hurt me so badly. It's just trying to get over the shock of it all.. Yes, he was my first boyfriend, he was my first kiss, etc. I believed from what he told me that we would be together forever.. I got very emotionally caught up in it all. Now he's just gone and so suddenly too, it really has just made my anxiety soar.

My fear at the moment is that no one will ever want me and that I will be alone forever. I think that's why I hold on to him still.. I'm pretty sure I don't love him anymore. But it's an attachment to my memories and what I thought I had. It's very difficult to let go.. Thank you very much for your advice. I know that letting go of him and getting myself better and moving on is what I need to try to do now :) x

[Mr Brownstone]

Yeah, its hard, I know. You arent missing him, you're missing feeling loved. I think!! Put it this way...if you had another bf, would you still miss him? Theres your answer ;)

[Serenitie]

Hi! You are a very articulate, loving woman who deserves so much more than what this man gave you. You will find a man that deserves you when the time is right :D Stay strong! Huge hugs :bighug1:xxx

[CherryCola]

Mr Brownstone - Yes, I think that's exactly it.. It's really an attachment to that feeling of being loved and to the memories I have of being completely happy. I think because I have nothing to compare him with also, I keep worrying that I'll find someone worse than he was, lol. But then I guess that's what anxiety does - always makes us think of the 'what ifs'.

Serenitie - Hi :) Thank you so much :hugs: I really hope so. It's pretty scary to think about right now, but hopefully once I've finally got past this I'll be able to move on to even better things! x

[ChrisScotland]

My heart goes out to you.I am currently going through the same thing and it is not a nice feeling at all, especially when you have health issues.

I don't want to come out with the usual cliches.But what I will say is try to keep yourself busy so you don't have time to think too much.

I don't like to wish bad on people, but he might get to feel the same pain sometime down the line.

[CherryCola]

ChrisScotland - I'm really sorry to hear that :( It is incredibly difficult. Break-ups are tough on anyone, but for us anxiety sufferers I think it just gets magnified x100!

Thank you :) Yes, keeping busy does help. I played a computer game for a few hours yesterday and realised I hadn't panicked at all in that time, haha.

I just wish the feeling of shock would wear off :( Does anyone know if this is normal? It's just been three months since he broke up with me - should I still feel in shock and like it's not real after three months? :/ x

[ChrisScotland]

Thanks Cherry.Yeah, you're not half right there.I'm doing a lot better now right enough.

Hehe Computer games are probably one of the best things for this kind of situation.You have to concentrate so much while playing games that you forget about the world.

Hope you feel a lot better soon.

[CherryCola]

I'm glad to hear you're doing better Chris :)

Yes! Haha, I've finally been able to sit and do something the past couple of days (before I've felt too restless :() So I think that's a definite improvement.

I saw my GP today - he told me to continue with the Prozac for a bit longer and he's booking me in for six councelling sessions. So hopefully things are going to keep looking up.

[Laura1989]

I'm really sorry to read this. I split with my fiance 6 months ago after nearly 4 years together and I still have moments in which I panic and think I need him.

Delete him off facebook...that is one thing I didn't do and I'd be in a much better position now if I had. It was horrific for me to have to sit and look at everything he put up about her and what they were doing together.

I too think that I will never find anyone else...I keep thinking that I was the problem in our relationship (although he was really) and that because of that I'm not good enough to be loved by anyone else. I also don't see myself as very pretty or good looking and think I've had my chance at love and that's it.
That's on a bad day. On good days I feel incredibly good about it and I'm glad I'm.out of that relationship. I'm having about 50/50 at the moment.

I hope things are starting to feel better for you and you are feeling a bit more able to move on.
Laura xx

[CherryCola]

Hi Laura :)

Wow - four years! That's a long time.. I'm really sorry to hear that. Yes, I'm three months down the line now and for me it's really just more shock than anything.. I can't believe the person I loved could do this to me. It just doesn't seem to sink in. And then I question every day I ever spent with him - were the eighteen months of our relationship all a lie? It terrifies me. I overthink things until my head hurts.

Yes, you're right. Horrific is the word I'd use too. It turns my stomach. As of right now, the girl he was seeing has blocked him as they appeared to have a falling out. Lol, perhaps she saw his real character early on.. It's really tough trying to let that last thing go.. I just don't feel ready yet, but I know I have to. Feel really torn :(

I know. I constantly worry that that was it for me. That I'll never be loved again or be able to trust or feel love myself. I completely understand what you mean. I never had much confidence to start with. I feel like he took the little I had when he left :(
I also feel very up and down with it. I get terribly depressed and anxious over it and then other days I get angry and think about how much better off I am not having such a cruel person in my life. It's a constant conflict in my mind.

Thank you :) I hope you too are going to continue to keep moving forward! x

[Sodadreamer]

Hi all, I'm new to here but came accross this thread and decided to register - I empathise massively with all the posts on here, I was in the same sort of position 5 years ago and i'm still dealing with the fallout! Admittedly I have moved on from my ex and now have a wonderful fiance who has had to have a huge amount of patience with me due to the 'legacy' of what my ex left behind.

I now know that my ex was not right for me and had no respect whatsoever for me but STILL the anxiety and stress the relationship and break up caused me factors in lots of my life.

I used to be so outgoing and have good self esteem but over the period of the past 5 years without me even realising it my world has become smaller and very contained to protect me from any more 'harm'

I am now trying to address this as I am tired of being half the person I used to be.....I've had some time off work to think and have started counselling.....I want to have fun and enjoy my life with my new partner. It is so unfair that people who claim to at some point 'love you' can leave you with these feelings.

I know people fall out of love all the time but surely there is a better way of dealing with these things than the mean, selfish manner that these ex's choose.

Hope everyone within this thread is improving and feeling brighter over time. :)

[CherryCola]

Hi Sodadreamer - and welcome! :)

Firstly, your post gives me much hope for finding someone who really loves me, which is a terrible fear of mine at the moment. I fear I won't be able to love again, that no one will ever want me, that I'll never get past this, etc; so being able to see that you're now enagaged to a wonderful person and that you have overcome a great deal is very helpful.

Yes, this break-up has also put me straight back to square one and I do know deep down that anyone who truly loved me would never hurt me in this way. I didn't work hard at getting myself right for seven years for him to come along and ruin it all :( He knew how much I had struggled with anxiety and mental health issues before I met him. He also knew that the week he had broken up with me, I had been terribly depressed. He not only used that against me, but even went as far as to tell me he pretty much didn't care if I was to kill myself. He had no respect for me or my issues.

I've also cut myself off from the world a bit at the moment. I fear getting hurt.. I also started counselling last week and I really hope that will help me put things into perspective and try and move on from this. I am shocked at the selfishness of some people, especially people who claimed they would 'love you forever'.

Thank you for your reply. I hope you continue to do well and move past this! x