My own go at a diary?

[Carina]

I realised that after updating with changes yesterday, I wanted to make another update today, so I think I'll just use one thread from now on to update.

This is a copy of what I posted elsewhere for Day Five:


It's day five and I haven't slept or ate anything substantial since before I started these tablets.

I just have this massive weight on my chest. I feel so bad today that I've had to call in sick to work. I'm so disappointed in myself. I can't bring myself todo anything and I just seem to rocket between feeling miserable and having panic attacks. Nothing makes sense anymore, nothing's fun or interesting. I keep wanting to make big future-altering decisions and I know that that's a terrible idea.

I can't even cry. I'm so upset.

I'm now on Day Six:

Last night the fiancé and I had one of the hardest and most frank conversations we've ever had with each other. Not going to go into details here but some of the things I told him I was feeling about our relationship were extremely hurtful to him. But they had to be said, I couldn't bottle up anymore and let all those thought grow in me til they choked me. I tried to break it off because I was so afraid of everything.

Shockingly, he was incredibly accepting, swore he was going to fight for our relationship if I was still willing to, and made sure I was still going to go to counseling and seek support on this site too. I went to bed reassured of his unrelenting love and support, feeling very peaceful, and fell asleep.

This morning I woke up terrified. Why did he still love me after all this? What was the catch? What was going on? He had every right to walk out on me last night and he didn't. I feel like I would have run like hell if he'd told me the same things... then again I clearly have a reputation of running from any potential pain.

Today I got myself into work (unlike yesterday). I rocketed between small surges of panic and a weird, almost peppy energy when dealing with colleagues. I got home, and at about seven PM, sat and cried. Just sort of had this hysterical crying fit.

I've showered now, been trying to sing (one of my favourite outlets) around the house, and am suddenly calm again.

[Carina]

Day Seven

I woke up much too early again. I'm sort of used to this but not to the panicky feeling that rushes up on me the second I wake up. Today was no different. I woke up, forced some breakfast into me, and went to work, though I didn't really feel like going.

I made it the day's mission to get really ahead in my to-do list, just to keep myself really occupied all day. And for the most part, it worked. I tried to stay chatty and make small talk when I was in those situations, though I excused myself after one fifteen minute chat and just said I had to go make a phonecall.

Panic moments are less pronounced. I can feel where they would have been, oddly, but they feel... duller or something. Today I even felt hungry by dinner time, though I wasn't able to finish my sandwich.

I'm pretty tired. Fiancé and I vegged out on the sofa and watched a movie. I had a tiny bit of wine diluted with lemonade and even that made me feel a little less 'okay' than I had felt earlier. But it's fine. I know why, so I just have to keep telling myself that.

Tomorrow I'm helping to throw a hen party that's going to start at 2pm and continue til the next morning.. So... that should be interesting. Wish me luck.

[cmc46]

Good luck, hope all goes well today.

[Sparkle1984]

It sounds like you're doing well Carina. I hope the hen party went OK! :)

[Carina]

Thanks for the well-wishes, guys!

Day Eight

Yesterday was day eight, and the hen party. I felt okay at the beginning, though as it wore on I started to feel more panicky. I don't have social anxiety that I'm aware of, so the large group wasn't a massive issue (although I am quite shy), but I had to really focus on ignoring/keeping out intrusive thoughts. Instead I tried to focus on being a good bridesmaid and making sure the bride was having the time of her life. We all went back to her apartment after and crashed there. I made sure not to drink at any point during the party, but the Maid of Honour and a couple of other guests were teetotalers anyway so I didn't seem too out of place. Still, by the time the night was over I was having trouble not focusing on my own thoughts and anxieties.

Anyway, the bride had a wonderful time altogether, so the party was a total success in my opinion!

I'll update later with some thoughts on today, day nine.

[Carina]

Day Nine

Well, today has pretty much been a write-off haha!

Woke up in my friend's apartment. Didn't sleep that well because of the heat (was sharing with my friend) and also because I just wasn't used to sleeping in that particular bed. Still, hauled myself up, we got dressed, and ended the hen party by meeting the boys who'd been on their stag party for breakfast. Everything was fine until we were all sitting eating together and i got this surge of adrenalin. I felt myself tearing up because I was really getting my hopes up that the medicine was kicking in, but I tried to keep it to myself.

Today I mostly lounged around the house, using "out all night at a hen party" as my excuse. Watched some rubbish movies, posted photos of the party on facebook, and generally tried to keep myself busy so that I could ignore all the little malicious thoughts and anxieties running through my head. I honestly feel like my brain is trying to hurt me sometimes. Like it hates me.

Anyway, I didn't nap even though I wanted to. I'm determined to go to bed exhausted so that I'll sleep tonight. So... wish me luck on that.

[Carina]

Day Ten

Woke up this morning with a weird jolt.

Does tiredness exacerbate anxiety symptoms? Since the hen party I've felt more panicky and fearful, especially when left alone with my thoughts. So this afternoon I kept busy. I went window-shopping with my mother (my heart goes out to anyone who suffers from agoraphobia or the like - if I couldn't go out and try to occupy myself I don't know what I'd do), then helped her get her groceries in and cooked some dinner when we got home. All this kept me busy, and for most of the daytime I felt calmer.

This evening was more difficult. My guy called me with some great news about his job and we decided I should come see him tonight, so we watched a movie cuddled up on the sofa. I felt panicky for a lot of the movie and couldn't concentrate on it. After the film, I asked him if he wanted to talk about the (admittedly very hurtful) things I said on Wednesday. He said he didn't, that he knew I was having a rough time and he didn't want me to give it another thought. So basically he's the most perfect person ever made because I would have run a mile if someone had said those things to me.

I felt comforted when I came home. Still tired and aware that I'm more vulnerable to panics but I'm trying to stay positive.

[Sparkle1984]

Yes my symptoms are definitely worse when I'm tired. I didn't sleep so well last night as I've got so much on my mind right now (blood test tomorrow, assessment for cbt on Friday) so I'm not looking forward to work today!

[Carina]

Oh, pet. Thinking about you today, I hope all of those things go okay.

[Iggy131313]

Carina, are you due on? I find I get alot worse when Im due to come on and throughout my period,

were you having those feelings about your fiance before starting on the meds?

Now is not the best time to make any decisions you know, your feelings are all over the place, consider yourself pregnant, and the hormones that you get though that time, only after however long it takes for the cit to work you wont have a baby, you will yourself be reborn.

THATS when you make the decisions.

It sounds to me like you have a keeper, but when I met my husband I knew at once I would marry him, falling in love was the most wonderful feeling, and I felt like I was on ecstacy for months, of course now Ive been married for 10 years that has turned into a safe and mutual dislike and tolerance of eachother lol!

no, thats not true, we have our ups and downs, I am by nature a very patient and tolerent person which is why I am good at my job (I am disability officer in a latge college with 14 complex students under my care, I see to their emotional and physical needs alongside their educational ones)

he is not a patient person, which is why this is very difficult for him to handle and understand.

---------- Post added at 18:17 ---------- Previous post was at 18:16 ----------

Oh and for the record, day 10 is still very very early, I woke up with a jolt for 4 or 5 weeks, its a normal reaction to hightened anxiety

[Carina]

Actually, probably due in the next two days. So that could have something to do with it.

I was feeling terrified about marriage before the meds. My doctor thinks that, although I've probably had anxiety for a long time, it's likely planning a wedding and coming to terms with the idea of such a massive commitment, looking for a house, and trying to do a master's degree at the same time have knocked me back badly enough to make me unwell.

Falling in love felt different for me. It felt like an odd sort of peace, but also it was frightening. I don't like the idea of other people having any sort of power or pull over me, especially not men. Fiancé and I discussed that too. He says he doesn't want that power over me. He wants us to be a team, not one person having power over the other. Which was oddly mature of him, given that he can be a big kid sometimes.

I hope your husband can come to understand how hard this is for you. I'm sure you've talked to him several times about this but it isn't easy to get it when you live outside 'the bubble'. Hope he can come to see that what you're going through really hurts. :(

[Iggy131313]

It hurts everyone involved.

Do you love your fiance?

Do you want to be with him all the time?

Do you want him to be the father of your children?

[Carina]

I love him and want him to be the father of my children. Wanting to be with him all the time has been hard, because I went through a phase of wanting to be alone and not near anyone, but I've started to feel safe with him in the last six months since I opened up about a lot of the stuff that's happening to me and he hasn't judged me for it. He's my safe place. I just have this fear that if it didn't work out, I'd never recover.

---------- Post added at 22:46 ---------- Previous post was at 22:41 ----------

Day Eleven

Today has been... oddly calm. I was off work and had nowhere to be, so I did some housework, then worked on my dissertation for a while. After dinner I took a bath and read some of my book. Honestly, I actually find myself feeling worried because I'm not worrying! I keep thinking about things that scared me a while ago to try and scare myself (because fear is what feels normal to me), but... nothing.

I know for sure that this isn't the end. It's just a good day. But I'm grateful for it.

[Iggy131313]

as you know, pushing things away because your scared they may hurt you in the end is no way to live. Hopefully once the cit kicks in for you, these kind sof fears will be eased and you will be able to think clearly.

Let happiness into your life, trust me when I say that the best years of your life are yet to come, marriage and having a family will bring you more joy than you could ever imagine.

and if you have a child in your life one day, thats one love that will never leave you and you will never leave it, those are the best time, and you havent even got started.

embrace the future, be excited about it, you should be. xxx

[Carina]

Iggy

I logged on in work because I was feeling panicky and wanted to come to the site to remind myself that I wasn't alone. What a lovely, uplifting piece of advice to read right now! Bless you. <3 Have you settled any with your tabs?

[Carina]

Day Twelve

After yesterday's lovely, relaxing day, I woke up this morning... at 4am. I lay awake until my alarm went off at seven. I considered reading, but I hoped I'd get maybe another hour or so of sleep. No such luck.

I spent work in a little vague mist of anxiety. I was so disappointed because yesterday had been so good. It didn't help that my friend at work that I usually hang around with wasn't in today, so I was mostly alone with my own thoughts. By the time I got home, I was tired and headachey and just generally not too happy. Then again, this time last week I couldn't even get out of bed, so I guess I've come on a little.

I got a quick shower and some dinner and went out with my fiancé. We just relaxed at our friend's apartment and helped them make some things for their wedding. By the time he dropped me home, I felt a lot calmer. My fiancé is a really positive guy and it always seems to rub off on me.

Work again tomorrow, so here's hoping I can get a full night's sleep!

[Carina]

Day Thirteen

Another fretful day, but at least I was able to laugh and smile a bit in work, even if really feeling it. Today's been the worst day so far for tiredness, but tomorrow is Friday. Work days are the really bad days. My job doesn't require a lot of thought so it allows my mind to wander and find things to obsess over.

Went round to the fiancé's house to hang out and watch some TV. Fidgeted and fretted through most of the evening but mostly kept it together, only to burst into tears right as I was leaving. I felt better afterwards though.

Just need to trail myself through work tomorrow and then I'll be elected...

Next Morning Edit: I couldn't sleep last night. Paranoid thoughts flying round my head. I broke a 5mg Diazepam pill in half and took one haof the halves at about 1am and eventually got off to sleep, but woke up this morning feeling just as panicky and upset. Had bad dreams. I feel like throwing up. I seem to find that the more tired I am, the more intrusive thoughts I have to deal with and the harder it is for me to actually sleep, making me more tired the next day... and it creates an awful, vicious cycle. I guess it being 'that time' doesn't exactly help. I just want to be normal and happy.

I am, however, in work right now, so one positive is that I managed to pull myself out of bed and into some clothes, I guess.

[Carina]

Day Fourteen

Grim. Grim. Grim.

This morning, like I said, I managed to get myself into work. But I had a crying jag twice just because I felt so tired and rotten and panicky. Luckily, the people who witness that were amazing and really understanding, and even that was enough to get me through the day. It was suggested that I go home early and rest, but I had promised myself that I was going to finish the week and I'm happy to say that I managed it.

I got home from work, ate some dinner (the nausea seems to have passed, happily) and then went out with a friend for a coffee. It was nice to catch up, and it gave me something pleasant to do to put the evening in. I'm just praying that I'll be able to get to sleep on my own tonight. I don't want to have to rely on valium, I'm sure that isn't healthy.

[Carina]

Day Fifteen

It's hard to say, since I've had quite a bit of wine, but I think I'm feeling good. This morning I was quite nervous and upset but in the afternoon a friend of mine came down and we made a gift for our friend who's getting married, which kept me occupied.

Tonight I went down to my fiancé's home because his parents wanted me to come and have dinner with them. Honestly? I was dreading it all afternoon, but it was really, really fun. I had a lovely meal, and then we sat watching TV and chatting about the wedding and house hunting and other stuff. Not sure if the wine relaxed me or the night just went better than I expected, but I'm glad. Hopefully I will get a full night's sleep tonight but I won't count on it.

[Carina]

Day Sixteen

I should acknowledge and be grateful for the good days. Today has been one of them. No panics during church, none out shopping after, and none during my friend's wedding rehearsal. Had a pleasant drive home with my fiancé, talked about our days... Was slightly hung over from last night but to be honest I think it was just because I didn't drink anything besides wine from lunchtime yesterday until I went to bed. So was actually probably more dehydrated.

Thank God for good days, eh?

[Carina]

Day 25

Been a while, huh? I've been really busy. On Friday I handed in the final project for my master's degree. Then my best friend got married on Monday and I'd been helping her with a lot of stuff in the runup.

The last week or so have been full of ups and downs. I can't even remember them all. Some bad days included Thursday past, when I'd finished my project. All I had to do was bind it, which took ten minutes. Then my sister was at work and my parents were at a wedding, so I was in the house by myself all day. My mind was left to wander, which is never good, because I immediately start imagining scenarios in which my fiancé leaves me after we're married (my obsessive - and very unfair on him - thought).

On Saturday, too, I was left alone. I tried to fill my day up with gutting out my bedroom and getting rid of all things related to university, since I didn't need to keep my notes anymore. But once that was done... well, those thoughts and that nasty, tight knot in my chest came back.

Monday was the wedding. It was an amazing day and I felt brilliant the whole time. My fiancé kept pointing out that we would be next and I just felt so excited and wanted to dance the whole night (and I NEVER dance, I'm too shy) and I would have if my feet weren't killing me in those heels and I had to take a break every few songs! Stayed over at the hotel with a friend, and we had a lovely chat until 2am before going to sleep.

The next morning? Still fine, really happy and content. I went shopping with my friend and then came home and went to see my counsellor. I felt good in the counseling session, did not cry nearly as much as the first session, but I can never quite work out if the counsellor has a plan for our discussions or if he's just letting me prattle on about whatever. He seems happy enough to bore him with random crap. But he's a Lifeline counselor, so I'm guessing he knows what he's doing / looking for in our chats, right?

Anyway, last night was panic attack central, and I was devastated to have to take some of my valium. It didn't do much good. I dropped off eventually but had mad dreams and woke up in the wee hours, unable to get back over (and like hell was I taking more valium). However, when I woke this morning I literally could not face the day. My mum saw the wound up state I was in and talked me into taking some more valium just to get the working day underway for me.

Right now I'm thinking of taking another before bed tonight so I can get some sleep. I'm exhausted but I know I won't sleep tonight without it, I'm too knotted up inside.