Aurun
27-07-06, 19:26
hi im new, ive never tried anything like this before but here goes.
atm im in a complete mess and really dont know what to do. i suffered a depression and anxiety/panic attacks a few years ago due to circumstances of where i lived. my partner couldnt understand it all and cheated on me- through me out of our house just before my daughters 2nd birthday, i had a breakdown and it was the worse thing i have ever felt, just when i thought things couldnt get worse she made them worse. eventually we sorted things out. she herself is quite messed up due to suffereing sexual abuse for 8 years from her step father and her mother abandoning her for 3 years and her father dissapearing for 12 years. all i ever did was love her and treat her like a queen, i did everything for her. i sort of rescued her from all that and we lived together, after 2 years we had a daughter- she has always struggled to show emotion or be affectionate/romantic and makes mole hills into mountains and blames me for everything. unfortunatly i love her so much.
now 2 weeks ago my relationship of 6 1/2 years has just ended very abruptly at my daughters 4th birthday party. initially she said she wanted me out of the house and id never see my daughter again. its now changed that i can stay until i find a place and she wants to continue to sleep together but i must sleep downstairs. she says she loves me and wants to stay together but for me to leave and we start again. to most normal people thats odd but in her mind thats a logical way to sort things, she says she wants her own independence, that i have always taken care of her and everything and she needs to grow up - unfortunatly i know this all comes from her mother who hates me - her mother has always used her and never shown her love or affection but she always goes running to her and even admits her mother doesnt love her but she just wants her toi be proud of her.
now thats bits slightly explained. i can feel myself falling back into the depression - my doctor has signed me off work, and now put me on Citalopram ( i was on Dothioepin before). im now sat at home alone whiles shes at her mothers. my whole body is racked with anxiety, my stomach is going crazy, i cant sleep or eat. for support most of my family live far far away, many of my friends i lost due to being with this woman. i feel very much alone and stand to lose everything. if i think thorugh all the years and how she has treated me i wonder why the hell i stayed with her- the only answer is love - but is it more than that- my childhood was a mess also with divorces and beatings, ive always been sentimental and clung to things as many times i lost all i had. am i finding this so hard because i know she can never love me as i love her, or is it that i cant bear the thought of losing her, the last 6 1/2 years, the family thing. im just sat on my own wallowing in self pity and everything around me is making me think of her. everyone i know is telling me to leave her and the house.i would like to,,, but i love her, and more importantly i love my daughter and dotn want to leave her like my mother left me.
i find the morning the worst, i wake up and for 5 glorious seconds im content, all is ok, then WHAm it all comes back to you, the memories, depression,anxiety and the day is ruined. id just like to cope with the anxiety- the nervousness, heart flutters, and i think also to tell complete strangers a little of my problems. i just want to stop my mind wandering, constantly thinking of her, crying my eyes out over and over, and feeling totally alone. i have to say in a strange way its nice to read some of other people articles here as it makes me realise some things and emotions dont just happen to me,. i think most of what ive wrote is a mess or jumbled but im shaking as im typing. i just want to cope, live on and be Happy - i the last happy day was my daughters birth
atm im in a complete mess and really dont know what to do. i suffered a depression and anxiety/panic attacks a few years ago due to circumstances of where i lived. my partner couldnt understand it all and cheated on me- through me out of our house just before my daughters 2nd birthday, i had a breakdown and it was the worse thing i have ever felt, just when i thought things couldnt get worse she made them worse. eventually we sorted things out. she herself is quite messed up due to suffereing sexual abuse for 8 years from her step father and her mother abandoning her for 3 years and her father dissapearing for 12 years. all i ever did was love her and treat her like a queen, i did everything for her. i sort of rescued her from all that and we lived together, after 2 years we had a daughter- she has always struggled to show emotion or be affectionate/romantic and makes mole hills into mountains and blames me for everything. unfortunatly i love her so much.
now 2 weeks ago my relationship of 6 1/2 years has just ended very abruptly at my daughters 4th birthday party. initially she said she wanted me out of the house and id never see my daughter again. its now changed that i can stay until i find a place and she wants to continue to sleep together but i must sleep downstairs. she says she loves me and wants to stay together but for me to leave and we start again. to most normal people thats odd but in her mind thats a logical way to sort things, she says she wants her own independence, that i have always taken care of her and everything and she needs to grow up - unfortunatly i know this all comes from her mother who hates me - her mother has always used her and never shown her love or affection but she always goes running to her and even admits her mother doesnt love her but she just wants her toi be proud of her.
now thats bits slightly explained. i can feel myself falling back into the depression - my doctor has signed me off work, and now put me on Citalopram ( i was on Dothioepin before). im now sat at home alone whiles shes at her mothers. my whole body is racked with anxiety, my stomach is going crazy, i cant sleep or eat. for support most of my family live far far away, many of my friends i lost due to being with this woman. i feel very much alone and stand to lose everything. if i think thorugh all the years and how she has treated me i wonder why the hell i stayed with her- the only answer is love - but is it more than that- my childhood was a mess also with divorces and beatings, ive always been sentimental and clung to things as many times i lost all i had. am i finding this so hard because i know she can never love me as i love her, or is it that i cant bear the thought of losing her, the last 6 1/2 years, the family thing. im just sat on my own wallowing in self pity and everything around me is making me think of her. everyone i know is telling me to leave her and the house.i would like to,,, but i love her, and more importantly i love my daughter and dotn want to leave her like my mother left me.
i find the morning the worst, i wake up and for 5 glorious seconds im content, all is ok, then WHAm it all comes back to you, the memories, depression,anxiety and the day is ruined. id just like to cope with the anxiety- the nervousness, heart flutters, and i think also to tell complete strangers a little of my problems. i just want to stop my mind wandering, constantly thinking of her, crying my eyes out over and over, and feeling totally alone. i have to say in a strange way its nice to read some of other people articles here as it makes me realise some things and emotions dont just happen to me,. i think most of what ive wrote is a mess or jumbled but im shaking as im typing. i just want to cope, live on and be Happy - i the last happy day was my daughters birth