Hello Im back :(

[Iggy131313]

Although I really want to implement the stratagies on the 'letter to myself' that I posted a while ago Im not strong enough to do it yet.

The dr spoke to the phyc and the phsc said that the anxiety caused by cit only lasts 6 weeks so what Im left with noe is my own anxiety. He wants me to go up to 40mg slowly.

so I started back on 20mg last night, I dont feel any extra side effects from that today and am thinking about taking 30mg tonight,

To be honest Im worse than ever and have been thinking alot about taking my own life, I prob wont do it because of my son but I cant see a way out anymore, the cit isnt going to work and I dont think anything else will either.

My life was taken away from me 8 weeks ago and truly I died then, I have now been repaced with someone I dont recognise and I despise her.

Im back in bed wishing the hours away, I tried to play with my son this morning but the uneasey feeling of the anxiety was there all the time and ended up making me heave until I took 4mg diaz and went back to bed. Then I phoned my mum and told her how much I wanted to die, Im not going to kill myslef but my god I wish I would catch some terminal illness and just die and it not be my fault.

9 weeks ago I didnt have a care in the world. then it came crashing around me and I just dont think there is a cure, how can there be? the anxiety is with me all day and each 10 seconds feels like an hour in this hell that my life has become,#

I have sunk into a terrible depression simply because of the anxiety, if that would go away then I would be fine.

Theres no hope, no enjoyment no happiness and I just want to go to sleep and never wake up

[nicola1980]

Oh hun, sending you a big :bighug1: i have been exactly where you are now and its soul destroying it really is but you WILL get better, trust what the phyc has said and believe in yourself, you have a lovely husband and a beautifil little boy and you can beat this xxx

[Iggy131313]

But Nicola, what of going up in the dose does nothing like it did for you? and by the sounds of it your not all that much better on the ven.

I wont get better, and ive lost the strength to try

---------- Post added at 14:35 ---------- Previous post was at 14:34 ----------

I was even looking at methods of suicde on the net last night trying to think of a way I could make it look like an accident, I love my family so much but I cant carry on anymore

[nicola1980]

we're all different hun, the past week which is 8 weeks into my increase ive really turned around, im doing stuff i would never have done a few weeks ago, i also thought a few weeks ago id never get better and this was my life from now on but like my phyc said these meds aren't instant and they don't do it all for us, ive gone out everyday this week for meals, walks, supermarkets etc and id never have done that a few weeeks ago, you just have to get the right dosage which works for you and hopefully 40mg will be, don't give up please theres always a light at the end of that dark tunnel xxx

---------- Post added at 14:41 ---------- Previous post was at 14:39 ----------

hun if your really thinking of suicide then please go to a&e xx

[Iggy131313]

I wouldnt do it, I just wish I could

---------- Post added at 14:46 ---------- Previous post was at 14:45 ----------

and in fact, it makes me cross, because I cant do it because of the consequesnces for everyone else, I just have to live this hell and nightmare for the rest of my life, its so unfair

[Sparkle1984]

Hi Iggy, sorry to hear you're feeling so low. Please don't give up on your fight against anxiety and depression; I have faith in you that you are strong enough to beat it. You must always have hope - you never know, maybe the 40mg will help you.
Whenever I've felt really bad, hope of getting better is the main thing that's kept me going. :hugs:

[nicola1980]

you won't be like this for life i promise you, your now getting the help you need and the phyc knows what their talkng about, did you get some more diazepam to help you through? i know it feels like a waiting game but thats what it is but try and go for a small walk or something, i know its prob the last thing yoou feel like doing but it does help xx

[Iggy131313]

yeah Ive got 14 5mg diaz, but to be honest it doesnt really do much for my anxiety, crazy eh? yes it calms down my heart etc but the mental torture and edgyness is still there. also of course it makes me feel worse and after taking my 4mg I wrote suicide notes for my family.

But sometimes I need to take them to block out the day, I wish I could close my eyes and never wake up but then I think of my son at my funeral instead of his first day at school and I know I couldnt do that to him.

[nicola1980]

Did you tell the doctor this was how you were feeling? xx

[Anxious_gal]

Antidepressants can make you suicidal and if that's the case maybe you should try a different one ?

[Tufty]

I can sympathise with you Iggy I have felt all those things you wrote about in your earlier post HOWEVER


and in fact, it makes me cross, because I cant do it because of the consequesnces for everyone else, I just have to live this hell and nightmare for the rest of my life, its so unfair

This is not true, yes it is the worst nightmare imaginable BUT YOU WILL CONQUER ANXIETY AND YOUR LIFE WILL RETURN TO NORMAL, don't ever give up that belief.

I won't bore you with the details but I've had anxiety a few times in my life, been on different meds, on a psychi ward for a month, thought my life was over and the only way out was suicide BUT I recovered, 100% better, the awful anxiety became a distant memory. I have had years of good times, the bad times make you value the good times more, make you a more compassionate and accepting person and make you who you are.
Life is not fair. You do not 'deserve' anxiety and neither do I. Please accept that at the moment you have anxiety, but do not give up - you will recover.
On the medicine front - I am reluctant to advise you on the best course of action however I cannot tolerate 20mg Citalopram or 20mg Prozac after 10 weeks on either I am a gibbering wreck, the anxiety didn't stop at 6 weeks like you've been told. We are all individual, no one knows how we will respond to it.
You are doing the right thing asking your mum over and taking Diazepam. Please don't give up, talk about it like you are doing and keep believing that you will get better because you will. You are still the same person you always were you just have anxiety at the mo
Love and hugs
Sam

---------- Post added at 15:12 ---------- Previous post was at 15:09 ----------

How were you feeling before starting the Citalopram and when did you start it? If I could take the awful feelings away from you I would, I wish I could help in someway x

---------- Post added at 15:33 ---------- Previous post was at 15:12 ----------

Iggy I've just read your post someone please help me. Re-read what you wrote about the Citalopram in the first couple of posts - this medicine is not for you.
Similarly to you, I experience occasional but severe panic attacks and have tried meds to help with these but make the anxiety unbearable. All the symptoms you list in this post - that's what I get - I've never heard anyone else get all of them.
Are you sensitive to caffiene too?

[Iggy131313]

Oh God sam I hope your right.

I was fine before starting cit, absolutley fine! so why did I start? because I had been on cit a few years ago and 8 weeks ago I had a panic attack so I went running to the drs to ask to be put back on the cit as I just thought it would stop the occasional panic attacks.

the first week was like something out of a horror film, my anxiety was so high that I couldnt move, I tried to leave the house unsuccsesfully a number of times but the SEVERE aggitation and anxiety was unbearable. stupidly I stuck it out thinking well it will only last a couple of weeks, then only last 4 weeks, etc etc

I went back to the drs after 6 weeks and asked if I could cut the dose down to 10mg, I did and I seemed to be improving a little although still obsessing about how I was feeling all the time.

it went something like this

week 1 - pure hell, couldnt move, coulnt speak, couldnt even cry the aggitation and axiety was too high.

week 2 - high anxiety but able to leave the house with my mum to the shops but in a dream like haze.

week 3 - really went backwards and couldnt understand why - turns out it was the week before my period.

week 4 - depression began to kick in - still finding the anxiety hard to cope with

week 5 - continuing depression, worstening a little - still high anxiety

week 6 - cut down to 10mg felt some of the anxiety lift a little at this dose BEFORE

week 7 - went really bad again, very bad depression and moderate anxiety and aggitation - yep its that pre period week again

week 8 - where I am now, very depressed lost all hope.

when I was on cit a few years ago I was on 40mg per day, I was fine on that dose, not too tired etc like others say and although I remeber having unexplained panic attacks during the start up, I never put it down to the cit as I was so physically ill and had no idea about side effects etc.

I wish I still had no idea as because I fear the anxiety so much I obviously make it worse.

Im gonna have to go along with what the phsyc says I suppose and try going back upto 40mg.

alot of the other meds Im terrified of as I know that Ven is terrible to come off, its meant to be the worst of all to withdraw from and the only other one I think hasa possibility of helping me is seroxat but I want another baby but its dangerous in pregnancy.

But thankyou for your reassurance

---------- Post added at 15:40 ---------- Previous post was at 15:38 ----------

Sam, what do you take now?

[Sharon66]

Hello Iggy I have come back to your post 3 times today and felt I needed to respond. I'm new to this site but read your original post regarding the letter, I even stored the letter on my laptop and began to read but got a bit bored. I admired your views and wished you well. I too am having a horrible time like you my world came crashing down 7 weeks ago I have never experienced anything like this before. I have been on the same meds as you 20mg for 6 weeks and didn't see an improvement. To add to the nightmare I had an hysterectomy 2 weeks ago and have 3 children. I relate to your post considerably (bit too much really). Yesterday I went back to the GP who has now prescribed Sertraline 50mg which I start tomorrow. After coming out of the GPs I went straight to the Well Womens Centre (never done before) and burst into tears. We had a good chat and I'm now being referred for counselling. I decided that I couldn't wait so have now booked a session with a counsellor on Monday. Im not sure if I need it but Im giving it a try anything to help me get better. Please please try and stay optimistic I got up this morning had a shower and took the dog and little girl for a walk on returning I have stayed in my room. I will now do a bit of housework and try and keep going.
Please keep in touch and we can do this together. Feel free to PM if you choose. Sending you a great big hug.
Sharon xx

[Iggy131313]

Im not usually sensitive to caffine (off meds) but I havent been having any since starting the cit again, too risky! lol

but I can tell you this, I smoke roll ups and they certainly get my heart pumping hard but I cant give up EVERYTHING!

[Tufty]

5mg Prozac and 40mg Propanolol a day.
I was on 40mg Prozac 9 years ago after being physically unwell and got depressed on steroids and stayed on them for 9 months but this time I can't tolerate 20mg - I tried 40mg for a month and the physical symptoms were horrible, I've got better with each reduction but think I've reached my optimum dose now. I don't know why I can't tolerate them now all I know is that 5mg works better than 20mg for me at the moment, like you I'm not depressed but was on higher doseage.

[Iggy131313]

Hi Sharon, thanks for your post and Im sorry to hear your in a similar mess to me.

Why did you start on the cit, was it the hystorectomy?

---------- Post added at 15:51 ---------- Previous post was at 15:48 ----------

and are you still anxious sam?

I deffo felt a little better on the 10mg than the 20mg but I have to try what they are suggesting or I will be seen as a difficult patient who wont help themselves.

strange isnt it that we were both on 40mg before with no problems? did you have the horrific start up effects on your first time on prozac?

after 2 weeks on 10mg I took 20mg llast night again, is it too soon to take 30mg tonight? I really want to start asap I take this much longer and to be honest I dont see how I could possibly fgeel any worse than I do right now.

and on the 5mg are you anxiety free?

when you were on the cit did you have constant anxiety? I have it all day everyday, the only relief I get is when I cry, that lets some of the tension out but as soon as I stop I can feel the anxiety building up again

[Sharon66]

Hi Iggy I blamed it on the news of the hysterectomy but looking back I had been anxious for a long time and didn't know the signs. The news about the op was the final straw that gave me 2 panic attacks within a week. GP signed me off work and I've not been back. Family and friends kept saying you will be fine once you've had the operation but I knew deep down it wasn't just that. I'm praying the new meds work. Are you feeling a bit better talking to people on line?? xx

[Tufty]

Bloomin hormones have alot to answer for girls.
I had a hysterectomy aged 36 because some bright spark doc said it would get rid of my acne (has not) and make me more emotionally stable (has helped a little), I certainly used to notice when my period was due and this has got better since the hysterectomy.
Iggy - I've just started having a daily coffee again after 6 months without and I love my coffee, unfortunately I can feel the affects after about an hour but am able to tolerate the shakes now I'm feeling better.
Sharon - good post, it's great you've organised some counselling it's good to keep an open mind about what may help you recover, medication is only one part of the solution.

[Iggy131313]

sam, would you say you are better now then? do you wake up and dread the day ahead? do you feel anxiety every day?

Sharon, yes I feel a little better talking online but I know that really by doing so I hold myself back becuae I need to cut all anxiety related things out of my life, but I guess Im not ready for that yet

[Tufty]

and are you still anxious sam?

I deffo felt a little better on the 10mg than the 20mg but I have to try what they are suggesting or I will be seen as a difficult patient who wont help themselves.

strange isnt it that we were both on 40mg before with no problems? did you have the horrific start up effects on your first time on prozac?

after 2 weeks on 10mg I took 20mg llast night again, is it too soon to take 30mg tonight? I really want to start asap I take this much longer and to be honest I dont see how I could possibly fgeel any worse than I do right now.

and on the 5mg are you anxiety free?

when you were on the cit did you have constant anxiety? I have it all day everyday, the only relief I get is when I cry, that lets some of the tension out but as soon as I stop I can feel the anxiety building up again

Somedays I get flashes of anxiety - I'm run down at the moment and have shingles so it's worse but nothing like the start up of medication. The anxiety doesn't escalate to a panic attack, and I think the anxiety is 'remembered' from restarting meds earlier this year.

Citalopram is a no go for me, like you I thought I must take it as I didn't want to be seen as a non compliant patient, the side effects did not go and were constant, I was terrified. I was told if I stopped them I would get worse, I stopped them and improved - still had anxiety but it was tolerable compared to the Citalopram.

1st time on Prozac I had a psychi dr who realised how sensitive I was to meds and started me on 5mg and increased it to 40mg over a 4 month period, so I didn't get the side effects I had when starting this time. However, I was depressed before starting them as I had been on steroids so maybe that made a difference.

It seems that you have several choices:

Stop the Citalopram or take 10mg, 20mg, 30mg or 40mg. In my experience and what I've read of others experiences on this forum, if you are already getting side effects from the drugs do not increase the dose until those side effects are tolerable - which yours are not. I am inpatient to get well like most of us and want to get better now and not in a month or two time so after a month on 20mg Prozac I thought, it's not working I need 40mg - that worked before so it will work again. It was horrible, like you say - I couldn't feel any worse than I did already but the constant anxiety exhausted me, I physically couldn't do much because of the palpitations, sweating and shaking and after a month on 40mg I felt like you do now - hopeless, defeated and very ill. I reduced back to 20mg and then down further with the plan of trying something different like Venflaxine but as I improved with each reductionI decided to stick with whats working.
Unfortunately it is very trial and error with the medication but I would reduce rather than increase. You are not going to be 100% sure what's right for you, you're just going to have to make a decision and stick with it for a few weeks to see if it works.

---------- Post added at 16:34 ---------- Previous post was at 16:29 ----------


sam, would you say you are better now then? do you wake up and dread the day ahead? do you feel anxiety every day?

Sharon, yes I feel a little better talking online but I know that really by doing so I hold myself back becuae I need to cut all anxiety related things out of my life, but I guess Im not ready for that yet

I am better, I am back at work. I do not dread the day ahead, I enjoy things and most days have no anxiety at all. Others, like at the mo, I have a nigling anxiety but it's OK. I have learnt what helps me - keep busy, distract, do relaxation and deep breathing, avoid caffiene, get enough rest, look after myself and spend time on myself - like having a massage, painting my nails.

[Iggy131313]

But the dr says this anxiety is now mine, not side effects, the only other side effect I seem to be getting is the njight sweats, vivid dreams and teeth clenching.

The shaking arms and legs, fast strong heartbeat and constant anxiety must be mine, and not the meds, I honestly think that like you, the trauma of taking these meds has done me more harm than good, and I wonder if the feelings I have are the meds or me

[Tufty]

I disagree - all these symptoms could be a side effect of the Citalopram.
You will not know what is you or what is the meds unless you stop them and only you can decide if that is right for you.

[Sharon66]

Hello Iggy & Samhar I agree it doesn't sound like the meds have worked as well has they should in the time you've been taking them. My GP gave me the option yesterday to either increase the dose to 40 mg or change meds. He advised we changed meds as he couldn't prescribe more than 40 mg and if they didn't work I would be no further on. We will get there (honest) well that's what I keep getting told so we have to believe. Take care and big hugs.

Samhar you sound like your doing really well good on you x

[Tufty]

Thanks Sharon - you're right we will all get better. I think you have a wise GP and made a good choice yesterday changing the meds.
PM anytime
Love and hugs back
Sam

[Iggy131313]

Sam, when you went on the psyh ward, did you self admit? Im considering doing it, I cant cope anymore, what was it like and di you find it helpful?

did you have your own room? and did they taylor the care to you or was it all just group meetings that didnt apply?

why did you go and what happened?

[Tufty]

I'll PM you Iggy

[Rocker]

Hi sorry for jumping In iggy but I hope this helps


I have now been on cit for 10months but when I started I was in hell
I was already in my worst anxiaty for 20 years and after taking my first 20mg of cit
I went even lower well higher I could not move of my sofa I would have cryed if I could the walls were moving and this all is the truth I promise I could not even go and shower I was shaking so much I could not even eat as I would be sick.
Anyway I cut down to 10mg and it all eased off a bit thank god.
I was far from better but I def could handle more.
What I am trying to say is everyone one is different on these meds 20mg of cit are like 60mg to some people like it was to me.

What ever happens you will feel a bit better as the days go on I promise but you could try 10mg and see what happens as I noticed the difference as soon as I went down but as I said everyone is different.

I am on 20mg now but was on 30mg.

Thanks roker

[laura442]

Iggy,

I will tell you this.
When I was on citralopram I too wanted to be sectioned. I have NEVER felt like that before. it affected my mind like nothing ever has. I had suicidal thoughts and begged my boyf to take me to hospital. You said before you never had anxiety before taking this medication. YOU KNOW YOUR OWN BODY. Your doctor can only advise but as its your body and if its doing this to you slowly taper off and give yourself a break. I only had a one day gap inbetween cit and esc and that one day I didnt take it I could feel hour by hour slowly coming back to myself. You shouldnt be suffering like this my darling. I know we dont know each other but I promise you I did feel like that on cit, it was evil for me and I know how you are feeling and I care about you and want you to stop suffering. You can even have my phone number if you want to talk. I called the samaritans when I felt like that and they were brilliant. Just checking youre not taking ibruprofen are you ?

I also want to add the shaking legs, fast hearbeat and constant anxiety I also had on cit and havent got now on esc so I personally think it IS the side effects

[Laura1989]

Just checking youre not taking ibruprofen are you ?



is there an issue with taking ibruprofen with citalopram?? i havent yet, but was thinking about it for a migraine

[laura442]

Yes my doctor couldnt believe there was nothing on the leaflet about it but yes he told me not to take it and only to take paracetemol. I also called nhs direct and they told me not to take it with cit or escitralopram as well xxx

[Laura1989]

Ah thanks for that! will stick to paracetamol then! Was going to check with doctor or pharmacy on monday but you saved me a job lol!

[Iggy131313]

ok, so my laptop crashed last night and my hubby came to see me in bed, told me to come downstairs and watch x factor, gave me a cuddle and made me some tea.

I feel sorry for him, I know hes finding it as hard to cope with this as I am but without all the horrid feelings that come with it.

I woke up with the usual dread and fear, got up took a 5mg diaz and came back to bed, had some fitful sleep for another couple of hours, got up again played with my little one (with that horrilbe anxiety feeling) and have now come back to bed.

My son is going to his cousins this afternoon so that will give me a little breathing space, but Im still in dispear but not feeling as suicidal as yesterday. I still wish I was dead but thats different.

[Mountainclimber]

Hi, sorry to hear the way your feeling,you mention there is no enjoyment or happiness in you life, this is because your not allowing it into your life. Don't keep running to your bed and wishing your life away. your son needs you ,please try and help yourself .make a fresh start tomorrow and make plans to be positive. GOOD LUCK STAY POSITIVE

[Iggy131313]

I know that what your saying is right, but I know that the anxiety just comes on when ever it feels like it, I find it easier to cope with on my own in the bedroom that to try and cope with it downstairs.

But is that conditioning my brain to run and hide and reinforce that the anxiety is correct and I am under threat? do you think that by showing my anxiety that its ok and fighting that urge to go to bed that the anxiety will reduce over time? do you think that reprogramming your brain in this way works?