View Full Version : Can't work...help
I need guidance from people like me. Please help. I have been treated with medications over the years for depression. Every so often, I get on a kick that I can "go natural." I go a few months and the cycle starts again because I am depressed, or simply so stressed out that I need to be numbed.
I am a middle school teacher who loves children and worked very hard under extreme circumstances to educate myself for this profession. (went back to college with two small daughters, a dying father, and a surprise son at age 28). I am currently 37 years old and can not handle the thought of going to work.
I went off prozac20 in April to "go natural" and had an okay end of the school year. Every time someone would mention school this summer, my heart would beat a little faster, my stomach would tumble, i'd sweat some and then I would try to put it from my head. By July1, I was beginning to worry constantly about returning to work. I started back on prozac20 and tried to think positively.
One week before work started, I went to my md and in a tearful moment, I broke down and told him how I am worrying all the time and don't know how I am going to handle work. He prescribed prozac40 and wellbutrin150. I took this combo for 7days. On my 4th day back( still teacher work days) I called in because I was shaking, sweating, and sobbing so out of control. Doc said to stop Wellbutrin and continue Prozac since I tolerated that in the past. I made it to work Tuesday and every day that week.(students came on that Wednesday). The weekend was fair and I made it to work Monday with a planned day off Tuesday to see my gynecologist to ask her if there was a possibility my hormones were off and possibly causing this anxiety. She told me to see a psychiatrist and prescribed 10 Xanax.25. The following morning I felt good. I dropped my kids off at their schools, proceeded to work with my graded papers in one hand and green tea in the other.
I walked to the front office, signed in and said good morning to people. I went back to my classroom, signed into my computer and began to cry. I began fanning myself, picturing a calming environment and deep breathing. Another teacher stopped in to go over some student info and saw me in that state. She offered a hug and left my room. I continued my calming methods as my hands began shaking and my breathing got ragged. I ran into the classroom next to mine and cried out to that teacher, "I can't control this help."( I took a Xanax a few minutes before during my mantras). She closed me in her room, told the principal who told her to get me a sub and send me home. she got my things and made me promise to sit in my van until I calmed down before driving.
I called the doctor and they told me to come when I calmed down. I did after picking up my husband. The doc agreed that I am in a bad state, lowered the Prozac back to 20, added aderal because I have had great success using the in the past for adult add. He wrote me out of work that day(last Wednesday) until tomorrow(Tuesday 9/4).
I have had some milder attacks since then and my kids and husband are recognizing my terror and helping with hugs and patience. I have been up since 3am this morning working about going to work tomorrow. The "what if's". My job is hugely stressful with more expectations than are humanly possible. I'm barely able to decide on my toothpaste brand right now, let alone design a differentiated learning plan for each of 125 students in an engaging manner when I am just focused on breathing. Help! I plan to make an appointment tomorrow with a psychiatrist, but what do I do about work? I have missed 5 days total and my students have been with a sub the same amount they have been with me. I have 31 days in my sick bank, but taking time off is discouraged and the principal often times sees weakness and plays on it.
I know that is long, but want to explain it completely. I am praying for some advice today. Thank you.
Kim, I am so sorry to hear how bad things are for you.
The only advice I can offer you is to listen to your doctor, and your body. If you are not well enough to go to work, then don't go to work. I think you need to give the meds a chance to work (you will know from experience that this can take weeks or even months). You are putting too much pressure on yourself at a time when you really should be looking after your mental health.
I know it's not always possible for people to take time out of work, I understand that - but I worry that you're in danger of making yourself feel even worse if you continue to let the pressure of your job build like this. Your health is important, I hope you are able to give it the time it needs to improve. With the love and support of your family, and some help from your doctor, you WILL feel better - until then, please don't put pressure on yourself to 'perform', or beat yourself up for not coping.
I hope you start to feel a little better soon :hugs:
---------- Post added at 11:28 ---------- Previous post was at 11:26 ----------
Oh, I also wanted to say - I really do applaud you for trying the natural approach. Please don't feel like a failure when you need some extra help from meds xxx
Just so you know if you need it, FMLA is the Family Medical Leave Act here and allows you 12 weeks off legally where they have to allow you back to work. You don't necessarily get paid for that time off though, unless you use your sick time and vacation time. It's hard when you need money to take time off. Applying for disability is also difficult, but if you are really struggling, might be worth talking to your doctor about.
Thank you both for your advice. I had three attacks yesterday and discussed the situation with my principal. I am at home waiting to here back from the doctor. I have to figure this out. I can't trust any decisions I am making right now and your support is helping me feel confident that I am doing what's best for my family and my health right now.
Hi Kim75,
I'm kinda in the same boat. After studying for years I finally got funding for my dream PhD. Then I went and got an anxiety disorder. It takes me all my energy just to get round a supermarket never mind 'doing science' for the next three years. I have to tell the dept. what my plans are and I don't have any choice but to give the opportunity to someone else. Totally gutting but the most important thing in life is happiness and a sucessful recovery.
Lesley anne
06-09-12, 08:13
Hi, I also can appreciate how anxiety n depression affects your whole life. I, too, have had to decline a great offer to further study my degree topic, purely due to this anxiety etc I'm experiencing. Totally sucks but my health has to come first. Good luck n thinking of uz
As I am learning what is happening to me, my thought process keeps turning to...maybe you're not really sick, maybe this is your way of not going to a job you don't like, or maybe a laziness to try to get in a position where I am an at home mom and wife again.
Just now, while cleaning a pot at the sink, my cats started fighting and I screamed as if I was being murdered. The feeling of panic was so strong, that I thought for sure I was dying, just for a slit second.....
I am sick and I must accept myself and come to terms with this.
Whoever said that true fear will prevent you from summoning help because of the inability to use your vocal cords has not met me. Holy crap that was scary!
Kim
...maybe you're not really sick, maybe this is your way of not going to a job you don't like, or maybe a laziness
Yes, that's me. I have left/lost many jobs because I get myself in such a state - I have often wondered if I am just plain lazy. But no, it's not laziness. It's the whole situation of being stuck in a place that's not home, with people (nice or otherwise, doesn't matter) who you wish would just leave you alone and not speak to you or ask you questions or EXPECT anything from you. For me, it's about the 'discomfort' of it all - when I am really low and/or the anxiety is particularly bad I don't want anyone to even look at me. I just want to be at home. Discomfort isn't a strong enough word... it's scary and painful and it makes me cry and shout and scream, I get so frustrated. When I am feeling that way, I just CAN'T go there, to that place where I am being scrutinized (sp?) and judged.
You have achieved so much, you have lots to be proud of. Right now, you are not well - but you will get better.
xx
That is definitely me too....all the way back to high school. I had a few friends but kept to myself at school. I would get nervous that someone would speak to me, and then feel rejected if they didn't. I ran into a popular kid about 5 years after high school and told me that I was accepted in all groups in school, that I was the one that avoided everyone. Kind of made me want to go back and do it again. I guess we are just wired this way.
I'm not happy with my job, it is nothing like I thought it would be, add the anxiety and I'm not sure where to go from here. Doc in the morning. I hope you are doing well. I get a little happy rush when I see a comment. I hope others are getting the benefits that I am from reading these forums.
Hugs!
I can totally relate to both of you. I was a chronic truant at school because I couldn't handle being in a classroom environment. Of course I never recognised it as anxiety and everyone thought I was just acting up. I went into long term study because I was too scared to work (office = scary!!). The problem is I'm now highly qualified for a job that requires me to use my brain. And of course anxiety has turned my brain to mush :(
I hate anxiety, it's the worst.
I know Lissa....I have $50,000 in student loans for an education in a profession that keeps me anxious 24/7. What to do? I am now worried about putting additional financial strain on my family. How long can they remain patient with this invisible illness?
Good luck to you...let me know what is helping you.
Dr update today: referred to psychologist, increased Prozac to 40 again, taking away adderal 10. Adding a low dose of seroquel at bedtime to cut through panic. Written out of work until 10-1. Relieved but guilty.
Isn't it awful how it has an effect on every single aspect of your life? Good luck with the new meds and let me know how you get on. x
p.s please don't feel guilty. I also hate how I can't be there for my family right now. My mum recently had a stroke and I should be able to look after her instead of always thinking about myself. But taking the time now to take care of yourself means that you'll have a brighter future with them.
You need the break, Kim - please don't feel guilty. Lissa is right, giving yourself a chance to recover now will give all of you the better future that you deserve.
I have student debt of oh, I don't know how much anymore... and I'm not using a single one of my qualifications :blush: As my mum says, everything I do/have done seems like a good idea at the time! That's not to say your study will be wasted - you might find that, once you start to feel better, you can't wait to get your teeth into it again. And if you don't feel that way, the fact that you have achieved so much will only go in your favour whatever career path you choose. It shows dedication and intelligence, valuable in all areas of life and work.
Good luck with the meds and psychologist xx
Ladies!!!!!! I am not experiencing worry right now! I took the 25 mg seroquel at 9:30 last night and plugged my earphones in with an app that has benerial(sp?) brainwave entrainment and fell in to a coma like sleep. I know that I had dreams and also woke once in such a painful position with my neck but was so unconscious I didn't care. Neck is fine today. Just was asleep in one position too long. Was overly sedated when I woke up at 9am and that continued until about 11 am. I have since managed to tidy up a bit and enjoy a cup of coffee for the first time in months(have been feeling over caffeinated for months). I am thinking the sedation will wear off shortly. Feel more hopeful today than I have in a year and found many positive comments about the drug. I did crave carbs early today which scares me because I always have struggled with my weight. I think I feel like I am in my life today, though I am still just wanting to chill in my bed. Have you ever tried this med before? Maybe it can help you too. I was thinking of only taking a half tonight but am going with the full again to see what happens. Look into the brainwave thing too, let's use as many tools as we can. Oh....I also took a multivitamin and two fish oils before bed. Maybe we are lacking a vitamin as well. Hugs to all!!
paranoidtree
08-09-12, 20:36
I'm really sorry to hear of the problems you have been having. It can be so difficult to balance anxiety with a working environment. I left my job 5 weeks ago as my anxiety was so strong and the environment was so unhealthy (manager did not understand to the point where she accused me of making the whole thing up essentially as i seemed fine at work, she didn't understand just how much work went into appearing fine!) Slowly i feel like i am getting better, though it's very much 1 step forward and 2 backwards!
It took me a long time to realise that health comes first, in this day and age we are expected to be able to do everything - work, play, keep a home, have children etc etc. And sometimes it's too much. only this week i applied for a school librarian position, it's part time and i love reading otherwise it doesn't use any of my qualifications (i was previously a training coordinator who used to be capable of standing up in a room full of people and training them!)
It sounds like the new meds are helping, and there isnt' anything wrong with spending time lounging in bed - sometimes it's just what the doctor ordered!
Hope you continue to feel better.
All my best
Louise
Louise,
I love books too, and if I continue my education any further, I have considered library science. I too used to be able to command an audience. At age 20 I was in charge of training in a customer service environment. You are right, it is absolutely exhausting and no one gets it because it is invisible. What is helping you?
My best,
Kim
paranoidtree
09-09-12, 19:21
i know what you mean, i often wish that there was an obvious physical ailment to show i have anxiety.
Right now, patience with myself is helping. I occasionally take a beta blocker otherwise use Bach's Rescue Remedy. I'm due to start seeing a different counsellor later this week who includes trauma therapy in her sessions which i think is going to be of us. I also think education about anxiety is helping, mine has a particular cause so am also reading a lot to do with that. I'm also writing letters to my 'inner-child' which i think is helping too.
I do wish though that there was 1 pill to take 1 time only that would make this all go away though :winks:
Hope you are still feeling ok?
I looked into the Bach flowers but when I saw how they originated I didn't buy into it. Do they help you? All the different kinds made me wonder which to choose. I also asked the doc about beta blockers at my moms request and he said that I might pass out from them when my anxiety isn't soaring bc my bp would crash. Day two with the Prozac seroquel combo and anxiety is less than usual. I'm still in my pajamas and care less if chores get done though, but I am hoping that will pass. No magic bullet for this, you are right. I hope you have some better luck with your new counselor. I am finding one tomorrow. I called 3 Friday and none returned my call. It is hard to get in to one in my area.
paranoidtree
10-09-12, 08:56
i use the rescue remedy which is the one with a few different flower essences all in one, i think it does help. there have been moments when i felt quite panicked, put a few drops on my tongue and then have been able to calm down but i think with anything it varies from person to person.
I think i was prescribed the beta blocker for that very reason, a few months ago my resting heart rate was in the 100's and i remember taking my first beta blocker, my husband said it was like watching me go into slow motion. now when i take them the difference isn't as noticeable as resting heart rate in the 80's but i tend only to take them when i have to now.
I think you need a while to be in your pj's and just rest. it is exhausting suffering like this and just taking the time to rest can help. i have days where i stay in bed late and then don't really do very much at all and i feel like i need those days sometimes :)
It can be hard finding a counsellor, especially one that is right for you. i've kissed a few frogs in my time! The lady i'm just about to finish seeing, i really like her and she has done a lot for me and in some ways i'm not sure whether i should finish seeing her but just feel i needed to be more pro-active. i know i can always change my mind at any point though and go back to her. We'll see. Hope tomorrow brings you more luck!
Hey everyone! Started therapy...got some tools to help, like breathing, increasing protein and water, exercise, and journaling. Went to doc yesterday and he sees improvement. He said I smiled and joked for the first time in a month. I am written out of work until 10-1 and am already starting to worry about going back. Everything from it bring too far to drive(17 miles) to not being able to keep up with the demands. In other news, my meds are chilling me out. The seroquel is very sedating but really cuts the edge off the cyclicle worry patterns. He added 12.5 in the am because the night time pill wears off around mid morning. Like I said, the med is definitely helping, but I am getting less than zero done, like cooking and maintaining the current disorder of my home. There is even tooth paste on the wall by the sink, and I could care less. Drink rings on tables, dirty floors...don't care. So, I am slowly seeing my personality come back, but lack motivation to do anything. I really can't think about work in a positive way. I am finding jobs that I may be able to do, but don't trust my decision making right now. Hope you all are having some success too. Thanks for helping me. XO
Hi Kim, so glad to hear you're starting to feel better. It sounds like you're own your way to recovery and it's great to hear that because it gives the rest of us hope! I'm just on 2nd week of Sert. I moved up doses really quickly, only took 50mg for one week and this week been on 100mg. It's kind of floored me, feeling really spacey. But the anxiety is MUCH better. I also have a cold which isn't helping much. I only have 2 weeks to wait for therapy so hopefully I'll have some improvements soon.
My house is also a complete mess and I don't care either! Which is nice because when I was anxious I couldn't relax until everything was in order.
Don't worry too much about work, 2 weeks is long time in the life of an anxiety sufferer and lots could change. If it doesn't then perhaps take some more time off or go back p/t for a while?
What is really freakin me out right now is everyone is suddenly talking about xmas. My family have been on the phone, people are booking hotels, arranging who's going to stay at who's house. Seriously can't take xmas this year; wish I could be put in a medically induced coma until it's all over, lol :D
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