paranoidtree
07-09-12, 10:31
Hi
I have been looking on this forum for a few weeks but finally found the courage to join.
It can be really hard to tell my story as it feels seemingly endless and repeats itself no matter what action i seem to take.
I have suffered with anxiety and depression (each to varying degrees) on and off since I was a teenager (i'm 29 now). There have been times when I felt like i haven't suffered at all (though these are vague memories!)
When I 17 I started feeling sick all the time, no matter what medication the doctor gave me, no matter what i ate or drank, nothing helped. I was eventually sent to St Marys Hospital in London for an endoscopy which came back as 'normal'. I felt far from normal and had pretty much convinced myself that I had cancer or some other really serious disease and that the doctors just weren't taking me seriously. However the consultant at St Marys was nice and explained it was probably anxiety related IBS and that I was also possibly lactose intolerant. That gave me my answer, i was lactose intolerant! I cut out all lactose and dairy products. From the age of 18 to around 22 i lost 6 stone because i barely ate, some days just eating a couple of biscuits. I wasn't anorexic (or at least i don't think i was) i just felt so sick i couldn't physically eat. Cutting on lactose helped but this was temporary.
When i was 21 my now-husband proposed to me, life was a little easier at this point however they started getting worse again. Anxiety kicked in as i was terrified of being sick on our wedding day. I eventually went to see a CBT therapist who really helped, without her I would never have got married.
After the wedding/honeymoon things started getting worse again so i decided to see a hypnotherapist at a friends suggestion. It was amazing in the sense that it helped me feel calmer but then on around the 3rd session i freaked out. I had remembered what happened to me when i was 8 years old, i was abused by a boy who lived up my road. At this point memories started coming back and I went downhill fast. I was barely coping and my husband suggested going back to the doctors.
The doctor was really good and supportive and started me on citalopram. I hated it to begin with, the side effects especially the headaches. But after a while I started to feel lighter in myself, the depression was lifting. I started seeing a different counsellor (a psychotherapist) and really started to understand what had happened to me and how it had affected me. I finished seeing her and about 6 months or so later decided i was strong enough to come off the citalopram.
Coming off the citalopram was a long process and eventually last July i stopped taking them and was ok. During the last month or so of taking the tablets I had started seeing the hypnotherapist again to help me whilst I came off the tablets.
then 2 weeks after taking my last tablet I get appendicitis, my whole world crumbled. I was back to being vulnerable and scared. I had an operation and the next 3 weeks were about recovering physically but all the while my mental health was declining.
The last year my anxiety has worsened, i continued seeing the hypnotherapist but for counselling (with some hypnotherapy intermingled) but i do not feel that i have improved in my ability to cope. If anything in some ways I feel worse than ever.
I left my job 5 weeks ago as it was too much and they were very unsupportive and i didn't need it. During the last 5 weeks I have gone from expecting a miracle to happen (i.e. i would get magically better after leaving the stress of work, didn't happen!) to becoming almost agrophobic.
I don't take any medication currently, expect for a beta-blocker as and when required but they don't have much impact on me. I use Bach's rescue remedy mainly when really anxious.
This last week i decided to find a new therapist and started looking for a CBT specialist in my area, i found some but the person i have chosen to work with is person centered but uses CBT and trauma therapy to help - at this moment this feels like what i need.
I have a hugely supportive husband though find it hard to reach out to friends with this, which is due to the shame i feel, both about what happened when i was a child (which is at the core of my problems) and about being so anxious.
Anyway sorry for the essay, there is a lot more to my story and is hard to 'put it in a nutshell' but I've joined this forum to hopefully find others with a similar story, to be inspired by success stories and to be able to interact with others who understand how I feel.
Oh and i found this forum when i was searching for information related to the beta blocker i take (propranolol) via Google.
Hope you all have a lovely day/evening :)
I have been looking on this forum for a few weeks but finally found the courage to join.
It can be really hard to tell my story as it feels seemingly endless and repeats itself no matter what action i seem to take.
I have suffered with anxiety and depression (each to varying degrees) on and off since I was a teenager (i'm 29 now). There have been times when I felt like i haven't suffered at all (though these are vague memories!)
When I 17 I started feeling sick all the time, no matter what medication the doctor gave me, no matter what i ate or drank, nothing helped. I was eventually sent to St Marys Hospital in London for an endoscopy which came back as 'normal'. I felt far from normal and had pretty much convinced myself that I had cancer or some other really serious disease and that the doctors just weren't taking me seriously. However the consultant at St Marys was nice and explained it was probably anxiety related IBS and that I was also possibly lactose intolerant. That gave me my answer, i was lactose intolerant! I cut out all lactose and dairy products. From the age of 18 to around 22 i lost 6 stone because i barely ate, some days just eating a couple of biscuits. I wasn't anorexic (or at least i don't think i was) i just felt so sick i couldn't physically eat. Cutting on lactose helped but this was temporary.
When i was 21 my now-husband proposed to me, life was a little easier at this point however they started getting worse again. Anxiety kicked in as i was terrified of being sick on our wedding day. I eventually went to see a CBT therapist who really helped, without her I would never have got married.
After the wedding/honeymoon things started getting worse again so i decided to see a hypnotherapist at a friends suggestion. It was amazing in the sense that it helped me feel calmer but then on around the 3rd session i freaked out. I had remembered what happened to me when i was 8 years old, i was abused by a boy who lived up my road. At this point memories started coming back and I went downhill fast. I was barely coping and my husband suggested going back to the doctors.
The doctor was really good and supportive and started me on citalopram. I hated it to begin with, the side effects especially the headaches. But after a while I started to feel lighter in myself, the depression was lifting. I started seeing a different counsellor (a psychotherapist) and really started to understand what had happened to me and how it had affected me. I finished seeing her and about 6 months or so later decided i was strong enough to come off the citalopram.
Coming off the citalopram was a long process and eventually last July i stopped taking them and was ok. During the last month or so of taking the tablets I had started seeing the hypnotherapist again to help me whilst I came off the tablets.
then 2 weeks after taking my last tablet I get appendicitis, my whole world crumbled. I was back to being vulnerable and scared. I had an operation and the next 3 weeks were about recovering physically but all the while my mental health was declining.
The last year my anxiety has worsened, i continued seeing the hypnotherapist but for counselling (with some hypnotherapy intermingled) but i do not feel that i have improved in my ability to cope. If anything in some ways I feel worse than ever.
I left my job 5 weeks ago as it was too much and they were very unsupportive and i didn't need it. During the last 5 weeks I have gone from expecting a miracle to happen (i.e. i would get magically better after leaving the stress of work, didn't happen!) to becoming almost agrophobic.
I don't take any medication currently, expect for a beta-blocker as and when required but they don't have much impact on me. I use Bach's rescue remedy mainly when really anxious.
This last week i decided to find a new therapist and started looking for a CBT specialist in my area, i found some but the person i have chosen to work with is person centered but uses CBT and trauma therapy to help - at this moment this feels like what i need.
I have a hugely supportive husband though find it hard to reach out to friends with this, which is due to the shame i feel, both about what happened when i was a child (which is at the core of my problems) and about being so anxious.
Anyway sorry for the essay, there is a lot more to my story and is hard to 'put it in a nutshell' but I've joined this forum to hopefully find others with a similar story, to be inspired by success stories and to be able to interact with others who understand how I feel.
Oh and i found this forum when i was searching for information related to the beta blocker i take (propranolol) via Google.
Hope you all have a lovely day/evening :)