phoebe
07-09-12, 12:37
Hi everyone,
Well where to start, I am 32 and have been off work for the last 3 days due to anxiety.
It all started in 2006, I was sat putting my make up on and suddenly out of no where I thought ' I had unprotected sex in 2001, I could have caught something' this escalated massively until I was having panic attacks and convinced myself I was dying (of some disease, not the panic) I then convinced myself that I had given something to my partner who I love with all my heart and that something awful was going to happen to him, I imagined scenario's of his family hating me because I'd made him ill, my family being disappointed in me and worst of all my partner hating me. After about a year of worrying like this I started getting panic attacks, I saw a brilliant counsellor for about 6 months who helped me put things into perspective and gradually I got better and vowed that I would never get to that place of worrying again.
Well unfortunately I am at that place again, very gradually the anxiety has creeped back probably since the beginning of this year but worse in the last couple of weeks, I was given the number of a self referral counsillor and told by my GP that she needed to test me for Anaemia and Thyroid problems, I was booked in 3 or 4 times for the bloods to be taken and cancelled everytime as I was convinced they would find HIV.
The councilling I've had has been very disappointing, basically she told me to practice breathing techniques and that they were not there to cure it just to help me cope with it! I had no faith in this councillor. She even recommeded I go to a Spa to try and relax when I've been having real trouble with situations I feel 'trapped' in! A Spa would make me feel trapped!
Anyway on Tuesday I felt extremely low and felt that something wasn't quite right with my relationship with my partner (we've been together 10 years, I cannot ever imagine being without him, he treats me brilliantly) I started thinking that maybe its this 'something thats not right' that is causing all this anxiety and basically I ended the relationship on Tuesday afternoon, he left and I felt heartbroken, to cut a long story short I asked him to return that evening and we're working on one area of our relationship thats not as good as it could be but we believe this is something that can be worked on, so after all that it doesn't appear to be my relationship thats causing this.
We've been engaged for 3 years, my partner keeps saying (and quite rightly) when are we going to get married but I've kept putting it off, that upsets me as I know it must make him insecure that I keep putting it off, maybe I'll feel better about it once we start working on one area of our relationship.
On Wednesday I didn't get to work, I just cried and cried until I felt there was nothing left to come out, I went to my Doctor and said maybe I do need medication as much as I didn't want it and she said she couldn't prescribe medication until I'd had blood tests for Anaemia and Thyroid problems, I cried again and explained that I'd had unprotected sex 11 years ago and I was scared what they may find, she assured me they would only look for what she asked them to and persuaded me to have the blood test which she did there and then.
She made me realize that maybe this fear of having caught something all those years ago is possibly at the root of my anxiety, I've been thinking time is getting on for me to have children and I know my partner would have had them a long time ago if I'd been willing but this fear has held this back for me. I am also scared I may not be able to have children. I got pregnant in 2003 with the partner I am with now (I was very silly with my pill, all my fault) and I had a termination so in 2006 I started thinking what if that was my only chance to have kids? What if I did catch something from unprotected sex that could make me infertile and by some miracle I did get pregnant back then and that was my only chance?
The Doctor gave me a number for a sexual health clinic which I went straight to, they were lovely and I was informed that you only have 1 in a 1000 chance of catching HIV from someone who already has it. This helped. I had a test for Chylamidia and Gonorrohea (not sure on spelling) I then went back yesterday for a HIV and Syphilis blood test. I get the results next Tuesday.
So now I'm terrified of the results, they're going to phone my mobile on Tuesday, what if its bad news? The only one I'm really worried about is HIV. I've told my Mum and my partner about this, they both agree that I've nothing to worry about. The nurse told me I am very low risk but to me someone's got to be the 1 in a 1000.
Aside from all this, I'm tearful, very low in mood, anxious, have no appetite and just want to sleep and be away from the world for the time being. I feel bad that I'm putting my partner through this and my Mum (she has alot of her own stuff going on at the mo). I also feel extremely bad for not going to work, I consider working hard to be the one thing I'm good at. I'm worried I'm going to lose my job bacause I've had 3 days off sick. I have moderate OCD (since childhood) and social anxiety, this has lead me to having only 2 friends which makes me feel like a loser, I have a skin condition called Rosacea (redness and bumps on the skin), this makes me very anxious and low sometimes as I feel people think 'what happened to your face?'. People have actually asked me over the years which confirms my believe I look really bad. I also have zero self esteem.
I then start to feel guilty as there are people out there with much worse problems then me, I feel like I have no right to feel this bad and maybe I should just pull myself together, all of this seems too much at the moment, maybe thats why I can't face work, deep down I know I'd feel better if I went, I even drove there this morning but just couldn't do it at the last minute.
I also wonder if everything comes back ok on Tuesday and things improve in a certain area between me and my partner what if I'm still anxious and suffer with panic? What if I never find the cause?
I sometimes think how did I get to this point and do I have a right to feel, low, anxious, on edge, terrified, tearful, and that my mind is full of so much negativity there is no room for anything else.
Any comments or advice would be extremely welcome, I hope I haven't rambled on too much.
Kind regards
Phoebs x
Well where to start, I am 32 and have been off work for the last 3 days due to anxiety.
It all started in 2006, I was sat putting my make up on and suddenly out of no where I thought ' I had unprotected sex in 2001, I could have caught something' this escalated massively until I was having panic attacks and convinced myself I was dying (of some disease, not the panic) I then convinced myself that I had given something to my partner who I love with all my heart and that something awful was going to happen to him, I imagined scenario's of his family hating me because I'd made him ill, my family being disappointed in me and worst of all my partner hating me. After about a year of worrying like this I started getting panic attacks, I saw a brilliant counsellor for about 6 months who helped me put things into perspective and gradually I got better and vowed that I would never get to that place of worrying again.
Well unfortunately I am at that place again, very gradually the anxiety has creeped back probably since the beginning of this year but worse in the last couple of weeks, I was given the number of a self referral counsillor and told by my GP that she needed to test me for Anaemia and Thyroid problems, I was booked in 3 or 4 times for the bloods to be taken and cancelled everytime as I was convinced they would find HIV.
The councilling I've had has been very disappointing, basically she told me to practice breathing techniques and that they were not there to cure it just to help me cope with it! I had no faith in this councillor. She even recommeded I go to a Spa to try and relax when I've been having real trouble with situations I feel 'trapped' in! A Spa would make me feel trapped!
Anyway on Tuesday I felt extremely low and felt that something wasn't quite right with my relationship with my partner (we've been together 10 years, I cannot ever imagine being without him, he treats me brilliantly) I started thinking that maybe its this 'something thats not right' that is causing all this anxiety and basically I ended the relationship on Tuesday afternoon, he left and I felt heartbroken, to cut a long story short I asked him to return that evening and we're working on one area of our relationship thats not as good as it could be but we believe this is something that can be worked on, so after all that it doesn't appear to be my relationship thats causing this.
We've been engaged for 3 years, my partner keeps saying (and quite rightly) when are we going to get married but I've kept putting it off, that upsets me as I know it must make him insecure that I keep putting it off, maybe I'll feel better about it once we start working on one area of our relationship.
On Wednesday I didn't get to work, I just cried and cried until I felt there was nothing left to come out, I went to my Doctor and said maybe I do need medication as much as I didn't want it and she said she couldn't prescribe medication until I'd had blood tests for Anaemia and Thyroid problems, I cried again and explained that I'd had unprotected sex 11 years ago and I was scared what they may find, she assured me they would only look for what she asked them to and persuaded me to have the blood test which she did there and then.
She made me realize that maybe this fear of having caught something all those years ago is possibly at the root of my anxiety, I've been thinking time is getting on for me to have children and I know my partner would have had them a long time ago if I'd been willing but this fear has held this back for me. I am also scared I may not be able to have children. I got pregnant in 2003 with the partner I am with now (I was very silly with my pill, all my fault) and I had a termination so in 2006 I started thinking what if that was my only chance to have kids? What if I did catch something from unprotected sex that could make me infertile and by some miracle I did get pregnant back then and that was my only chance?
The Doctor gave me a number for a sexual health clinic which I went straight to, they were lovely and I was informed that you only have 1 in a 1000 chance of catching HIV from someone who already has it. This helped. I had a test for Chylamidia and Gonorrohea (not sure on spelling) I then went back yesterday for a HIV and Syphilis blood test. I get the results next Tuesday.
So now I'm terrified of the results, they're going to phone my mobile on Tuesday, what if its bad news? The only one I'm really worried about is HIV. I've told my Mum and my partner about this, they both agree that I've nothing to worry about. The nurse told me I am very low risk but to me someone's got to be the 1 in a 1000.
Aside from all this, I'm tearful, very low in mood, anxious, have no appetite and just want to sleep and be away from the world for the time being. I feel bad that I'm putting my partner through this and my Mum (she has alot of her own stuff going on at the mo). I also feel extremely bad for not going to work, I consider working hard to be the one thing I'm good at. I'm worried I'm going to lose my job bacause I've had 3 days off sick. I have moderate OCD (since childhood) and social anxiety, this has lead me to having only 2 friends which makes me feel like a loser, I have a skin condition called Rosacea (redness and bumps on the skin), this makes me very anxious and low sometimes as I feel people think 'what happened to your face?'. People have actually asked me over the years which confirms my believe I look really bad. I also have zero self esteem.
I then start to feel guilty as there are people out there with much worse problems then me, I feel like I have no right to feel this bad and maybe I should just pull myself together, all of this seems too much at the moment, maybe thats why I can't face work, deep down I know I'd feel better if I went, I even drove there this morning but just couldn't do it at the last minute.
I also wonder if everything comes back ok on Tuesday and things improve in a certain area between me and my partner what if I'm still anxious and suffer with panic? What if I never find the cause?
I sometimes think how did I get to this point and do I have a right to feel, low, anxious, on edge, terrified, tearful, and that my mind is full of so much negativity there is no room for anything else.
Any comments or advice would be extremely welcome, I hope I haven't rambled on too much.
Kind regards
Phoebs x