Elle-Kay
07-09-12, 21:57
This is turning into a regular occurrence - me getting into bed, going straight on my laptop and un-burdening myself to you all :sad:
I know it's night time, and so I'll naturally be at my lowest ebb, but I really feel like everything is falling to pieces right now, and I'm going to end up in the same hospital as my dad if I can't pull things back together.
I felt a bit apprehensively positive this morning. I was worried first thing as the hospital said dad had had a temperature overnight, but I spoke to him on the phone mid-morning and he sounded so much better than when I saw him yesterday - much brighter, and generally more himself. My mum confirmed that he was feeling better after she went to visit, and that he would be allowed a little to eat & drink today (he's been nil by mouth until today) - "hurray!" I thought, "They'll perhaps discharge him over the weekend if he can start to eat normally." Now though I feel just as clueless, helpless and frustrated as when he'd just been admitted because apparently he hasn't even seen a Dr, so we still have NO idea where everything stands. They've put him on Tramadol rather than Morphine, but he's still on an IV drip and oxygen, and no-one seems to be telling us at what point in his progress those will be removed etc. I mean, I don't expect them to say "he'll be better by xxxday" because I appreciate that they're not Mystic Meg, but I just can't help but feel that we're not being given enough information about future progress indicators to help us feel that he's (slowly, perhaps) on his way home. And now, because he won't see a Dr until tomorrow and there are no Dr rounds on a Sunday it's going to be at LEAST Monday before he's discharged (and I think probably after that), which means another 2/3 days of this insecurity for everyone :sad:
I just don't know if I can cope. I feel so frustrated and anxious that there doesn't seem to be a flow of information, but there is nothing I can do about it. My mum said this evening that if I have all these questions why don't I go to visit during the Dr's rounds so I can ask them, but she seems to have forgotten that I am terrified of being in the hospital - I visited dad for 30 minutes last night, and I shook like a leaf the whole time I was there, and had to stop myself bolting for the door a dozen times. My anxiety is much worse at the hospital because the only memories I have of the place are of people dying, having been told they were getting better. I don't trust the hospital to tell the truth, as this has happened twice now.
So I'm in a bad place with my anxiety, and looking like I will be until we get a discharge date at least, but the most pertinent problem is perhaps that I just can't bring myself to eat, so I'm in danger of making myself ill. I've been so exhausted today, and had a pain in my side all day, because all I ate yesterday was a very small amount of leftover chilli & salsa (maybe 7-8 fork fulls), and today was no better - I've had two cherries, a cherry tomato and about 6 forks of pasta salad. I know I need to eat, but my stomach just feels like it won't accept food, and the idea of actually sitting down to a meal at the dining table just turns my stomach at the thought of a whole plate of food to eat. I've lost so much weight already during this period of anxiety, and keep having this pain in the side of my stomach, but I don't know how I can help myself. I really don't think I'll be able to eat properly until my dad is home, but that looks like it's going to be at least 3/4 days away, and I don't know how on earth I'm going to manage to keep body and soul together until then :sad:
I'm sorry to go on so long, but it helps me to get all the thoughts out of my head. I've tried talking to my family, but they just tease me about needing to ask so many questions, or tell me I'm being silly.
I know it's night time, and so I'll naturally be at my lowest ebb, but I really feel like everything is falling to pieces right now, and I'm going to end up in the same hospital as my dad if I can't pull things back together.
I felt a bit apprehensively positive this morning. I was worried first thing as the hospital said dad had had a temperature overnight, but I spoke to him on the phone mid-morning and he sounded so much better than when I saw him yesterday - much brighter, and generally more himself. My mum confirmed that he was feeling better after she went to visit, and that he would be allowed a little to eat & drink today (he's been nil by mouth until today) - "hurray!" I thought, "They'll perhaps discharge him over the weekend if he can start to eat normally." Now though I feel just as clueless, helpless and frustrated as when he'd just been admitted because apparently he hasn't even seen a Dr, so we still have NO idea where everything stands. They've put him on Tramadol rather than Morphine, but he's still on an IV drip and oxygen, and no-one seems to be telling us at what point in his progress those will be removed etc. I mean, I don't expect them to say "he'll be better by xxxday" because I appreciate that they're not Mystic Meg, but I just can't help but feel that we're not being given enough information about future progress indicators to help us feel that he's (slowly, perhaps) on his way home. And now, because he won't see a Dr until tomorrow and there are no Dr rounds on a Sunday it's going to be at LEAST Monday before he's discharged (and I think probably after that), which means another 2/3 days of this insecurity for everyone :sad:
I just don't know if I can cope. I feel so frustrated and anxious that there doesn't seem to be a flow of information, but there is nothing I can do about it. My mum said this evening that if I have all these questions why don't I go to visit during the Dr's rounds so I can ask them, but she seems to have forgotten that I am terrified of being in the hospital - I visited dad for 30 minutes last night, and I shook like a leaf the whole time I was there, and had to stop myself bolting for the door a dozen times. My anxiety is much worse at the hospital because the only memories I have of the place are of people dying, having been told they were getting better. I don't trust the hospital to tell the truth, as this has happened twice now.
So I'm in a bad place with my anxiety, and looking like I will be until we get a discharge date at least, but the most pertinent problem is perhaps that I just can't bring myself to eat, so I'm in danger of making myself ill. I've been so exhausted today, and had a pain in my side all day, because all I ate yesterday was a very small amount of leftover chilli & salsa (maybe 7-8 fork fulls), and today was no better - I've had two cherries, a cherry tomato and about 6 forks of pasta salad. I know I need to eat, but my stomach just feels like it won't accept food, and the idea of actually sitting down to a meal at the dining table just turns my stomach at the thought of a whole plate of food to eat. I've lost so much weight already during this period of anxiety, and keep having this pain in the side of my stomach, but I don't know how I can help myself. I really don't think I'll be able to eat properly until my dad is home, but that looks like it's going to be at least 3/4 days away, and I don't know how on earth I'm going to manage to keep body and soul together until then :sad:
I'm sorry to go on so long, but it helps me to get all the thoughts out of my head. I've tried talking to my family, but they just tease me about needing to ask so many questions, or tell me I'm being silly.