Falling to pieces :(

[Elle-Kay]

This is turning into a regular occurrence - me getting into bed, going straight on my laptop and un-burdening myself to you all :sad:

I know it's night time, and so I'll naturally be at my lowest ebb, but I really feel like everything is falling to pieces right now, and I'm going to end up in the same hospital as my dad if I can't pull things back together.

I felt a bit apprehensively positive this morning. I was worried first thing as the hospital said dad had had a temperature overnight, but I spoke to him on the phone mid-morning and he sounded so much better than when I saw him yesterday - much brighter, and generally more himself. My mum confirmed that he was feeling better after she went to visit, and that he would be allowed a little to eat & drink today (he's been nil by mouth until today) - "hurray!" I thought, "They'll perhaps discharge him over the weekend if he can start to eat normally." Now though I feel just as clueless, helpless and frustrated as when he'd just been admitted because apparently he hasn't even seen a Dr, so we still have NO idea where everything stands. They've put him on Tramadol rather than Morphine, but he's still on an IV drip and oxygen, and no-one seems to be telling us at what point in his progress those will be removed etc. I mean, I don't expect them to say "he'll be better by xxxday" because I appreciate that they're not Mystic Meg, but I just can't help but feel that we're not being given enough information about future progress indicators to help us feel that he's (slowly, perhaps) on his way home. And now, because he won't see a Dr until tomorrow and there are no Dr rounds on a Sunday it's going to be at LEAST Monday before he's discharged (and I think probably after that), which means another 2/3 days of this insecurity for everyone :sad:

I just don't know if I can cope. I feel so frustrated and anxious that there doesn't seem to be a flow of information, but there is nothing I can do about it. My mum said this evening that if I have all these questions why don't I go to visit during the Dr's rounds so I can ask them, but she seems to have forgotten that I am terrified of being in the hospital - I visited dad for 30 minutes last night, and I shook like a leaf the whole time I was there, and had to stop myself bolting for the door a dozen times. My anxiety is much worse at the hospital because the only memories I have of the place are of people dying, having been told they were getting better. I don't trust the hospital to tell the truth, as this has happened twice now.

So I'm in a bad place with my anxiety, and looking like I will be until we get a discharge date at least, but the most pertinent problem is perhaps that I just can't bring myself to eat, so I'm in danger of making myself ill. I've been so exhausted today, and had a pain in my side all day, because all I ate yesterday was a very small amount of leftover chilli & salsa (maybe 7-8 fork fulls), and today was no better - I've had two cherries, a cherry tomato and about 6 forks of pasta salad. I know I need to eat, but my stomach just feels like it won't accept food, and the idea of actually sitting down to a meal at the dining table just turns my stomach at the thought of a whole plate of food to eat. I've lost so much weight already during this period of anxiety, and keep having this pain in the side of my stomach, but I don't know how I can help myself. I really don't think I'll be able to eat properly until my dad is home, but that looks like it's going to be at least 3/4 days away, and I don't know how on earth I'm going to manage to keep body and soul together until then :sad:

I'm sorry to go on so long, but it helps me to get all the thoughts out of my head. I've tried talking to my family, but they just tease me about needing to ask so many questions, or tell me I'm being silly.

[Anxious_gal]

I'm so sorry :( I know it's very hard when someone is sick.
With the doctors, it seems like they are keeping him stable, and monitoring him.
I would ask about how they plan to proceed treatment wise or if they know yet.

I don't mean this in a bad way but you will cope simply because there's nothing else you can do, but to deal with everything as best you know how and get through it.
I know there's sooo much fear involved too which is incredibly hard too.

It seems like your own experiences with hospitals haven't been very good so that too is adding to your anxiety.
Do you have a therapist or friends that you can get some support from?

Even if you only go for half an hour I'm sure it means the world to you dad that you were there x x

I know my self that my anxiety can get bad when things feel out of my control and the future seems so uncertain, the not knowing what will happen, I find it very stressful and I can't seem to relax.

If you can't eat, drink! Things like cuppa soups have added b vitamins and iron in them, anything that will give you some energy and nutrients.
I know it's hard to eat but not eating will heighten the anxiety and it can be a hard cycle to get out of. I've been there myself, even trying to drink a glass of milk felt like work at the time.

You remind me a lot of myself when I was going through a bad patch of anxiety.
What helped me was coming on here, and talking to people in real life too, like family, friends, even strangers.
Just try and keep some kind of routine and some sense of normality going.

I had a hard time sleeping too which really added to the anxiety too, then other days I was so tired all I did was sleep.

So really how you are feeling is pretty normal when you factor in the anxiety disorder.

maybe you could keep occupied by making something for your dad, like a card or a scarf anything to give you something to focus on besides the negative stuff.

[Lissa101]

Hi Ellie-Kay,

I was in a situation very similair to yours earlier in the year. My mum, who lives on her own, had a haemorrhagic stroke which could have killed her. It was awful seeing her in that state, the pain she was in (a thousand migranes is how she described it) and how vulnerable she was. Also, with this condition it's a 'wait and see' prognosis where you literally don't know how much brain damage has been caused and you just have to monitor the recovery - no one can tell you anything.

Sorry to go on about my own problems but, like you, I couldn't stop fretting. Every day I would analyse her behaviour and I'd have a panic attack every time she got test results in case it was bad. When she did recover (after 3 months) and things calmed down I had a nervous breakdown (I know that's an un-pc description but it's what it felt like).

My advice, for what it's worth, is that you need to find some peaceful, 'you' time where you stop thinking about your dad and feel calm. If you run yourself down you'll be no use to him when he's at home and he'll start worrying about you! Don't feel guilty about doing something nice. When everything falls apart in your head it's such a long road to recovery; take care of yourself and you'll be able to be strong for everyone else too.

Best of luck with your dad x

[lg123]

I definitely agree with Lissa101 about finding some time to not think about your Dad. If you constantly worry about your Dad it won't help him get any better and it won't help you overcome your anxiety. I know that's easier said than done...

If you can try and do fun things like read a good book, watch a film or meet a friend for coffee then that can help take your mind off things. Maybe try meditating as well so you can be more relaxed.

I've been in the same place with not being able to eat - I went through months of not being able to eat properly because I just couldn't stomach any food and went days at a time without eating anything. I was choking just trying to eat grapes. Drinking/eating soup helped me a lot and just eat whatever you can to start with even if it's chocolate or crisps. Slowly build it up by pushing yourself to eat a little bit more at a time. You don't need to sit down to have a full meal as that may be a little intimidating so just try and eat little and often and make sure you eat more than the previous day. And celebrate when you do manage to eat more and more as it's a great achievement!