Think Ive made a massive mistake (long one, sorry)

[shotokansho]

Hello everyone.

I'm so mad at myself right now, which really isn't helping my anxiety and depression. I really didn't know where to put this.
My son is 15 (nearly 16). He is in his last year at school and is a very bright kid. His grades are ok and he is a good boy at home. I know he is a teenager and he will be doing things behind my back, ect ect.
The thing is I have known about his smoking for quite some time, my mum lives with me and she has known too, in fact I think she spotted it before I did. Anyway me and Ryan took a break in South Wales to visit family and I allowed him to smoke. He smoked the whole break in front of me and the family and I allowed it to happen, I even gave him smokes and bought them for him out of his spends. I just figured that he was nearly 16 and he was doing it anyway, plus I knew what it was like when I was younger and gasping for a smoke while being around others smoking. Please don't judge me.
Well I know I have shot myself in the foot because he is constantly smoking in his bedroom and if my mum isn't in he will just freely walk around the house with a cig. If my mum found out I had and am allowing to smoke she would be so dissapointed with me and I couldn't handle that.
Then there is the alcohol issue. If I have ever been to a party I have allowed him to have a beer or two. But then starts that road too. He drinks when he's with his friends and thinks he can drink as much as he wants at parties. I walked into his room the other day and found him drinking from a bottle of red wine and smoking a cigarette.
The thing is I didn't have the guts to take it all of him, I knew if I had taken it from him I would have felt guilty. This is the mad thing. I have allowed this and now I feel so bad, like I have set him off on a road to destruction. Maybe alcoholism and stuff, I'm so worried for him now and I feel like such a bad parent. Ryan probably thinks I'm the best mum ever allowing this but I would beg to differ and so would my own mum.
Some reassurance and advice would greatly be appreciated.

[Anxious_gal]

You to be a mum not a friend.
That said, teenagers will do what ever they want!!
Sit down and talk about it with him, talk about the real dangers of smoking and drinking, use facts!
You need to teach him to be responsible.
That said I was VERY responsible as a teen, but on a rare occasion I would do stupid things too.

[trish1955]

hi i can relate to all you have wrote i have had 6 children 4 girls 2 boys i was a bit like you with the smokimg thimg and when my daughter was 16 infact she was 15 going out with mates they all drank so i use to let them come round friday nights to drink thinking hhat would be safer but now she is 30 and as a drink problem her dad was a alcoholic he died at the age of 44 he was drunk he took wrong meds he died a lonely man i hoped that would shock her she dont drink all day like her dad but every night she as to have it thats the prob sge as to have it my son af23 got into so much trouble when drunk it use to scare me i use the worry he would ebd up dead he dont drink all the time its just wen he does he dont stop till he so drunk my 21 yr ols smoke weed why that scare me i am more against drink than weed he dont smoke all day he works and just smoke it at night but its still makes me feel a bad mum think i let mine do stuff as i am agraphobic and always felt i let them down not going to school plays ect so yr not alone i feel bad all the time take care trish x

[Tish]

This reminds me of when my Dad caught me smoking at the age of 16. He was very strict and I thought he'd go ballistic, but he didn't! He just told me it's my choice and he couldn't stop me because it was legal. Well, you could've knocked me down with a feather BUT the reason it's stayed so strong in my mind is because I was RELYING on him to say that I couldn't do it! How I wished he'd shouted and bawled at me and forbidden me ever to smoke again. I'm still doing it 38yrs later and wish I could've nipped it in the bud then before I became so addicted.

[BobbyDog]

My son is 16 and smokes outside the house, he was given all the information about smoking related illness and addiction.
He is at college and thus far is being treated like a young adult. But, I would not allow him to drink alcohol in the house and I would not be happy for him to be abusing alcohol anywhere else either.
Try and educate your son about the pitfalls of drugs and alcohol.
Unfortunately he is a teenager and may rebel anyway.

[panickygirl]

Hey,

First of all I'm not a mum so I can't possibly understand the responsibilities you bear every day. But I will say that my parents always had the "THAT IS WRONG, DON'T DO IT!" approach to drinking and smoking and I drank excessive and smoked excessively behind their backs. If people want to do something, they will do it anyway. In a way it's kind of nice that your son doesn't have to hide his behaviour from you.

Having said that, it's probably good to have a bit of a flashing warning in your head when you do these things. When I smoked as a kid, I did occasionally think "my parents would go nuts if they knew" and I was aware it wasn't a good thing to be doing. Ditto binge drinking. By allowing your son to do it at home, you're normalising it.

Maybe you need to be a little bit stricter without being hypocritical. For example, you're on holiday in Wales, people are smoking, he has a cigarette. He's nearly 16, if he wants to smoke, he will smoke. However, smoking all the time in his bedroom - not so good. Drinking from a bottle of red wine in his bedroom - not so good. It's one thing to have a glass of red wine in the evenings because you fancy one. It's another to sit in your room and chug red wine. By not telling him that, you're kind of normalising this behaviour.

Don't feel mean if you take the wine away or talk to him sternly about his behaviour at times - you're doing the best thing for your son.

So yeah, I think educate him, have a frank talk about the facts. Maybe talk honestly and openly about your own smoking or drinking and things you wish you'd know or someone had told you at his age.

Above all, don't feel bad. I doubt anyone ever feels they've handled this issue perfectly. Teenagers will do what they want to do. At least yours feels like he can talk to you about it. Just make sure you only 'normalise' what is normal, and don't let him get away with too much - part of the fun of being a teenager is your mum putting her foot down!

Hope you feel better, don't beat yourself up. Sounds like you're doing okay to me :-) xx

[shotokansho]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. They make a lot of sense. Ryan is sensible so sometimes I just don't understand why he does some of the things he does. Since making this post I have talked with him regarding the drinking. I told him I wasn't happy with him drinking in his bedroom like that, it looked like he was an alcoholic hiding his alcohol. That said I also told him he wasn't allowed to drink in the house at all without my permission. I know there are a lot of mixed opinions about kids and parents allowing drinking. Some parents say 'well at least I know where he is when he is doing it'. I'm just so frightened for him, but then I know a lot of that fear is my own anxieties kicking in.
I haven't discussed the smoking with him yet, there is only so much I can take on at a time without feeling bogged down with it all. Thanks again everyone.

Kez xx

[Jimm]

hey, a different perspective - I was allowed to drink underage many years ago - I think it was to stop me taking drugs.... happy days! To be honest I never got that drunk on a regular basis perhaps a money thing. I had to do a morning paper round and work sat for money was never given any to spend and it did me good! I never moaned getting up early in winter, so cold before going to school.

I was not allowed to smoke, but I did and got caught - they were not happy!

My parents were not great at dealing with things - shouting or hitting even when not required lol... so they were strict in that way but it did not stop me.

like every one says - most kids will rebel, some think adults are old or stupid and do not understand, that they know best or are exempt or are beyond discipline and are already grown ups them selves... they do not have the awareness to think outside the box. We were all young once too, most of us have to learn as we all did the hard way.

well anyway - I did experiment with drugs! and I did get drunk a lot more often as I got older .. but it was never a problem that interfered with anything else like work.

most people do it young or they do it at uni... I was a lot more aware of life in general at a younger age than my cousins who went uni and stayed in all time until they were older.

I stopped smoking even when my mates continued, I only experimented with drugs for a short while and I do not drink, smoke at all now - the only drugs I take are on prescription as someone wise said to me recently.

considering the above I have been pretty stressful so far even though anxiety has altered my direction recently.

I would say perhaps the local area, who they mix with is important -then, are they passionate about anything that would take them away from that?

I do not think militant parenting works and perhaps respect is learnt at a younger age but respect is also possible by being a good role model... I always wanted my dad to participate in what I did or offer advice but he did not/could not. If anything he ridiculed me, but I have far exceeded any expectations and I am not a bad person. Now I appreciate how complex life is and it's not easy and that man still went to work put a roof over our head and food on the table - which is admirable considering I think he was not so well then but tired his best.

I know I want to set a good example for my kids when I have them, but that is what scares me most - my health, I want to work hard, look busy yet love them and be patient, try not hit them and love them, listen and be there when they need me...

I expect it is a very hard task to get it all right :-)

[shotokansho]

I don't think I have every hit my kids, I'm not anti smacking I just have never had the need to, which I suppose I should be proud of really. My 8 year old is extremely hyper and hard work but not in a bad way, he is a good boy. Goes to bed when I tell him, eats his food and is polite and does well in school. He does have special needs but he copes with it really well which makes me proud.
As I say Ryan is nearly 16 and he is a good boy too. He always comes home on time and tries hard at school. He cooks at home and helps with his little brother. He is very polite and will help anyone, especially the elderly. So this said I suppose him smoking is a small sacrifice. I think I was more worried about what I was feeling and the guilt I felt for allowing him to smoke.

[panickygirl]

Sounds like you're doing well and are raising two good boys. Don't be so hard on yourself. You'll know by instinct what the right thing to do is. I started smoking at 14 but was a very good girl by all other standards, went to uni got a good degree and job etc. Ultimately everyone decides if they want to smoke or not, and if they do, no one can stop them. Don't beat yourself up about it :-) xxx