Angelai
12-09-12, 11:13
I don't know how to cope with this :weep: LONG sorry...
I have started having outbursts of severe anger/rage again and I'm scared, I don't want to feel like this again. I get sooooo angry, I throw things, want to break stuff, came very close to hurting my cats this morning (I was trying to vacuum and then mop the floors and they kept getting in the way, trying to play with the hoover and then the mop and I got so wound up because they were putting paw prints all over the CLEAN floor). I KNOW this is riciculous. I love my cats and treat them like they're my babies, how can I get so angry with them??? I was really frightened by my reaction, I shut them out of the house eventually, then burst in to tears. This is just one example...
When I get like this, I don't know what to do to release the rage. I slam around and break things and scream and shout, then end up in tears of frustration. WHY am I so angry? I don't know what I'm angry about, I'm scared I will lose control again (happened years ago) I just don't know what to do.
I can't even think straight to try and explain right now, I want this feeling out of me. I want everyone and everything to go away and leave me alone, just GET OFF me.
I saw my doctor yesterday, have started sertraline again today. He asked if I ever have 'worrying' thoughts, about hurting myself - which I don't. I don't think. I'm more worried that I will hurt someone else (my cats) or trash the house or car or something.
Anxiety has been getting steadily worse again over the last year, depression the same. Phobias ramped up. Feel ill most days. Have tried psychotherapy - 14 years ago, for only a month or so, woman had a massive go at me when I turned up with my toddler because my babysitter had let me down at the last minute, what was I supposed to do? Therapist was vile about it, then told me she was leaving anyway and in my sorry state I couldn't see how I was worth helping so I stopped going. A couple of years ago I had 13 weeks of analytical hypnosis for my big phobia, didn't help at all (I think it actually made me worse, but it could just be that I was going down hill anyway). Also a couple of years ago, CBT referral for phobia, therapist decided that it was actually psychotherapy that I needed, but they weren't able to offer me that on the NHS. From my appointment with the doctor yesterday, I am being referred to meet with the mental health team again.
But, the anger/rage has only ever been discussed once (15 years ago) because it didn't seem (to me) to be the issue, at the time of seeking help anyway. I am aware that it seems to kick in when I get really low, I don't know why I haven't brought it up.
I feel like such an idiot, I'm scared to ask for help with it or even tell anyone because I think well it isn't really THAT serious, it's not like I want to kill myself or anything. I suppose I'm embarrassed to make a big deal out of it.
Is this terrifying rage a 'normal' part of depression/anxiety? Or even the cause maybe? I have calmed down a lot now, writing this. If it comes again I think I should call the doctor.
I think I just needed to vent, I feel quite empty now. It's really frightening, can doctors/therapists help with this? I think I need to get to the bottom of WHY I have so much anger in me, and accept that even during those long periods when this doesn't happen, it's probably still there lurking.
I want to get to the root of this, and my other problems - just treating the symptoms isn't working (20 years of trying have proved that). Right now there isn't anywhere I want to be, apart from out of my own prison.
I have started having outbursts of severe anger/rage again and I'm scared, I don't want to feel like this again. I get sooooo angry, I throw things, want to break stuff, came very close to hurting my cats this morning (I was trying to vacuum and then mop the floors and they kept getting in the way, trying to play with the hoover and then the mop and I got so wound up because they were putting paw prints all over the CLEAN floor). I KNOW this is riciculous. I love my cats and treat them like they're my babies, how can I get so angry with them??? I was really frightened by my reaction, I shut them out of the house eventually, then burst in to tears. This is just one example...
When I get like this, I don't know what to do to release the rage. I slam around and break things and scream and shout, then end up in tears of frustration. WHY am I so angry? I don't know what I'm angry about, I'm scared I will lose control again (happened years ago) I just don't know what to do.
I can't even think straight to try and explain right now, I want this feeling out of me. I want everyone and everything to go away and leave me alone, just GET OFF me.
I saw my doctor yesterday, have started sertraline again today. He asked if I ever have 'worrying' thoughts, about hurting myself - which I don't. I don't think. I'm more worried that I will hurt someone else (my cats) or trash the house or car or something.
Anxiety has been getting steadily worse again over the last year, depression the same. Phobias ramped up. Feel ill most days. Have tried psychotherapy - 14 years ago, for only a month or so, woman had a massive go at me when I turned up with my toddler because my babysitter had let me down at the last minute, what was I supposed to do? Therapist was vile about it, then told me she was leaving anyway and in my sorry state I couldn't see how I was worth helping so I stopped going. A couple of years ago I had 13 weeks of analytical hypnosis for my big phobia, didn't help at all (I think it actually made me worse, but it could just be that I was going down hill anyway). Also a couple of years ago, CBT referral for phobia, therapist decided that it was actually psychotherapy that I needed, but they weren't able to offer me that on the NHS. From my appointment with the doctor yesterday, I am being referred to meet with the mental health team again.
But, the anger/rage has only ever been discussed once (15 years ago) because it didn't seem (to me) to be the issue, at the time of seeking help anyway. I am aware that it seems to kick in when I get really low, I don't know why I haven't brought it up.
I feel like such an idiot, I'm scared to ask for help with it or even tell anyone because I think well it isn't really THAT serious, it's not like I want to kill myself or anything. I suppose I'm embarrassed to make a big deal out of it.
Is this terrifying rage a 'normal' part of depression/anxiety? Or even the cause maybe? I have calmed down a lot now, writing this. If it comes again I think I should call the doctor.
I think I just needed to vent, I feel quite empty now. It's really frightening, can doctors/therapists help with this? I think I need to get to the bottom of WHY I have so much anger in me, and accept that even during those long periods when this doesn't happen, it's probably still there lurking.
I want to get to the root of this, and my other problems - just treating the symptoms isn't working (20 years of trying have proved that). Right now there isn't anywhere I want to be, apart from out of my own prison.