Oh dear, back here again :(

[Elle-Kay]

After doing so well yesterday and managing without any medication all day, and all night, I'm back to panic city today :weep:

It came on whilst I was at the hospital visiting my Dad, and I don't know why as the visit wasn't any different to the one I made the evening before last, when I was anxious, but ok. The only difference I can see is that my Dad is actually well enough now to be discharged, but they're keeping him in as they're thinking they might be able to do his operation this weekend. Well now I see how well he is, compared to before, I just want him home, and we're still being told we can't have that :sad: He's been in there a week tonight, and I've struggled every day. I just want it to be over, but the days are dragging!

I blame myself for the panic I'm feeling at the moment though. I felt anxious again at the visit, but I let it build up to a couple of peaks and managed to 'surf' down the other side, but on the third wave I bottled it and said I had to leave. That meant my Mum leaving too as she doesn't drive, which I feel very guilty about because even though she and Dad said it was ok (we'd been there around 45-50 minutes) it cut short her time with him. I'm most ashamed of myself for leaving rather than sticking it out though :sad:

I suppose the only thing to do is to fill in one of my CBT4Panic diary sheets and try to learn from the experience :lac:

[paranoidtree]

Hey Elle-Kay don't beat yourself up. You did really well today! Your parents will both understand how you feel and won't mind that you had to leave when you did. There is nothing for you to feel ashamed about at all.

You are going through a great deal at the moment, and you are going to have easy days (like yesterday) and not so easy days (like today), it's all part and parcel of what we are going through.

I think you are doing brilliantly!

:bighug1:

[Elle-Kay]

Thank-you, I'm grateful for your kind words. It's so hard to be objective when I'm on an anxiety high like this. I'm sure its normal, and something most people encounter. I feel like I'm doing very badly right now, and letting people down, and even wonder what the point is in carrying on with my CBT4Panic training as I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've made myself persevere though, and filled in my panic diary etc. so that I can (hopefully) use this as a learning exercise when I feel able to reflect objectively on it.

I think maybe tomorrow I'll try to have a relaxing day with my period films/series (my favourite things!) and put hospital visiting out of my mind for a while. Maybe I'll even start the new Barbara Erskine book sitting on my coffee table.

[robinhall]

Hi Elle
Please remember that it is very very early days yet in your recovery process.

The fact that you are actually still willing to put the work in shows that you will eventually make progress. It takes time.

and try not to see practicing with your anxiety as a 'battle' that you must always win. Ironically when we beat oursleves up we get caught up in more anxiety.

In all my years of treating people with panic I have never seen anyone who didn't have many setbacks - that's just the way recovery goes. As you are realising each experience with anxiety is an opportunity to learn - now that you have the understanding and skills.

Can I suggest that you have a look at workbook 3 and consider the interoceptive exposure exercises - these exercises can help you desensitise to many of the physical symptoms in a very controlled way. You are understandably going through more anxiety at the moment because you are being forced into situations that for most people with anxiety would be difficult.

When you start to blame yourself for your anxiety imagine what you would say to a friend who has had to endure the same experience - talk to yourself as you would to them and you will be kinder to yourself.

Your day of relaxation sounds like a great idea :)