feels like I am living in a nightmare

[Annie0904]

I posted this morning about my daughter being taken into hospital last night..still no more news. My oldest son is very ill with Labyrinthitis, my youngest is feeling really down and depressed, I still have pain in my foot from the fractures and my anxiety is going over the top. Can't stop crying today. I just feel like everything is against me and everything is going wrong. I try to tell myself that others are in a much worse position than me but it doesn't stop me panicking. My kids all need me (or maybe I just need them to need me?) and I can't do anything because of my foot :( I just don't feel real today, it feels like I am living in a nightmare and want to wake up and everything to be all right.

[paranoidtree]

Oh Annie, i'm sorry to hear today has been wretched for you. i can really understand why you feel like you are living in a nightmare. i know it can sometimes help to think others are in a worse position than you but remember that what you are going through is very real and is horrible for you. it is absolutely ok to cry all day and to feel the way you do!

this may not help but your daughter is in the best possible place for them to diagnose and help her, labyrinthitis is horrible, my husband suffers with it every now and then so i understand what your poor son is going through - has he been given anything to help from the doctors? Sometimes my husband found that gentle exercise helped (when he could stand that was!) It is also normal for your youngest to feel down with this happening around them, have you sat down and spoken to them about their fears? Perhaps take them to a doctor? And your poor foot! i've never (touch wood!) broken anything (though had wanted to as a child!) so can't fully understand how it feels - but remember you are not useless because of your foot, it is an inconvienence and nothing more! Have you got any painkillers you can take? Or maybe bug the doctors for another x-ray?

Just trying to think of some practical things for you so you can feel like you can take charge and stare anxiety in the face and say - is that all you've got?

Hope you and your family feel better soon.

:bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1:

[Annie0904]

I have just had a panic attack because my husband was going to take me to the hospital to see my daughter but I just broke down and couldn't go so he has gone to see her. I sent her a text and explained and she said she understands and said visiting in hospital is not the best place for me right now but I feel like I am such a useless mother when I can't even visit my sick dughter. I can't stop crying even though I have just taken a diazipam

[NoPoet]

Hi, sounds like you've got a lot going on and that's the worst situation to be in when you suffer from anxiety. Unfortunately life tends to chuck stuff at us. Recovering from anxious illness depends on how we learn to cope with the crap.

Here is some advice on a point by point basis. I know none of this is easy but these are helpful answers if you can teach yourself to act on them.

Your own personal situation is actually the most important at the moment because people are relying on you to varying extents, so you need to take care of your own health so you can be strong for the others. Their situations are naturally bringing you down because you are a good and compassionate mother, but you must draw the line between worrying about your children and allowing their pain to flood into your life.

As tough as it must seem, you cannot allow their pain to inflict itself on you. It is only natural to share their suffering but you will not do anybody any good by letting it get on top of you. Distancing yourself from their pain gives you a much better perspective on their situations which will help them no end; they can't see the wood for the trees at the minute. You cannnot afford to carry such burdens, so let their pain go and concentrate on being a strong and wise point of contact for them. This will help them considerably more in the long run. (This advice goes to anyone who is caring for people with any kind of problems.)

Your family will remain in their current situations for a while, so do not put urgent pressure on yourself and don't curse yourself or your luck for having a bad foot. Events in other peoples' lives would unfold the same whether or not you are mobile. The injuries to your foot are serious and you must give them a chance to heal; otherwise you could have physical problems that persist long after your children have got past their current problems. They will not be in this situation forever because life is dynamic and so are people. What seems atrocious now will simply be a bad memory in the future.

Telling yourself other people are worse off will simply make you feel like crud because you are obviously a caring and considerate person. Don't let the anxiety take advantage of your wonderful nature. Tell yourself instead that you are no better and no worse off than anyone else. What you are experiencing is normal, the anxiety simply paints everything in the colours of drama.

If your youngest is actually suffering from depression, rather than simply being down because of life events, they need to find out what is really causing the depression. Depression is often caused by loss or sustained threat of loss. The key to beating depression is to figure out what's hiding behind it and giving it fuel. You don't fight depression head on, you work out what thoughts and beliefs are keeping it alive and then train yourself to think the opposite way: for example instead of "my sister is going to die" they should be thinking "my sister is strong, her body will naturally heal itself, hopsital is the best place for someone who is seriously ill, people recover from serious illness all the time and my sister is no different". Can you see how many positive thoughts you can summon to combat one depressive thought?

Here is the tough love:

* The human body is designed to live. It is not designed to fail at the first illness. It is designed to recover from illness and heal from injury. This also includes the mind, which naturally recovers from depression in most cases (80%) and which can be trained to recover where anxiety and depression are persistent.

* Labyrinthitis is not fatal. While any illness can have serious complications, these are always rare and usually rely on existing underlying conditions or pure bad luck.

* Bone fractures are not fatal and will heal if you allow your body the time and space to take care of itself.

* Bear in mind that the behaviour of parents has a massive impact on the kids and if you make strong, positive steps towards taking ownership of yourself and training yourself to see hope where you currently see shit, you will give your kids something to aspire to.

Good luck and fear nought, things are crap at the moment but it will get better. Saying things won't get better is a denial of reality.

[Annie0904]

Thank you for those good words of advise...I have actually stopped crying while concentrating on reading them! My son told me not to worry because he has his wife to look after him and my husband and my Dad have gone to visit my daughter and she has been talking to me on facebook so I guess she is feeling a bit better. My youngest I think is just a bit down rather than depressed and is considering a move in his career so once he gets that planned I think he will pick up again. I think just having to be at home for so long with my fractured foot has given me too much time to think and worry. My physio has told me it will get better but I just need constant reassurance because when the pain gets bad I imagine the worst! Once again thank you for your help and advise.

---------- Post added at 18:39 ---------- Previous post was at 18:08 ----------

After me getting so anxious and panic attacks today she has just phoned me to say she is allowed to go home. Such a relief! Now I am exhausted from the panic attacks but pleased she is ok :)

[paranoidtree]

i'm really glad she is ok Annie, and you will be too!

[Elle-Kay]

I'm so pleased that your daughter is allowed to go home Annie - what a relief! I'm so sorry to have not been here earlier in this thread though, like you were there on my threads about my Dad.

I know it's a bit late now, but some advice I was given yesterday was that when you criticise yourself for perceived failures, imagine what you would say to a friend if they were in your situation. Would you criticise them, or would you tell them that their self-criticism was unfounded? I remember that when I felt that I was failing, you and others told me that I was being too hard on myself. Now I'm here, to tell you that you are not a useless mother - you were in a very hard, very emotional situation this afternoon which was compounded by anxiety, your own incapacity, and your natural worries for your other children... of course you felt backed into a corner, and no-one will think any the less of you for it, especially your daughter, who loves you for who you are, because you are her MUM!! :)

[Annie0904]

Thank you everyone for your kind words, they have helped me so much :)