Morning Anxiety/Depression Making Work So Hard...

[Danny_dingle]

Hi Guys,

So sorry if I am repeating anything previous, but I desperately need some support.

I have recently had a bout of issues: since January last year (2011) I have lost both of my grandads (never had a close family bereavement before these), my dad was taken ill with bacterial meningitis and I was on holiday from work so I stayed with him all day every day. He was in a coma for a few days but is fully recovered now, but it was horrible at the time. My mum also got pleurisy, but we didn't know what it was and thought she was having a heart attack: I was the only one around so I had to get her an ambulance and accompany her to A&E.

I have also changed jobs twice because one of them looked like the company was on it's way out (not me being paranoid - this was based on solid evidence/past experience) and the next job I was only at for one month because it was so stressful and I was working such long hours it made me ill.

I have now got a job working with a lovely company, my manager is a bit stern but essentially very nice and understanding.

However, I am suffering from chronic depression every morning. I am sleeping terribly (able to drop off but waking several times a night with nightmares and unable to drop off well, waking feeling very unrefreshed) and feel like every day I do NOT want to go to work. I feel partly like I want to just drive away somewhere where I am happy and no-one will find me until I want them to (recently had a lovely family holiday in Whitby and that's where I'm drawn to) or just leave my job until I am fully recovered, then start my search again.

Trouble is, I know if I quit my job I will just worry about other things and I don't really want to lose it as it is a good job, and I'm sure I'll thrive at it when I'm better.

Also, quitting my job will mean we (me and my boyfriend) would need to move back in with my parents, and my dad is the main reason I started feeling anxious/depressed in the first instance, so I don't think this would be helpful as I don't think he'd understand at all and may make me feel worse.

I am at a loss. I can't spend every morning crying my eyes out because I can't face work. The silly part is, I know by mid morning I will usually be feeling a lot better. Tonight I have also been upset (today is my day off) as I am already getting the creeping sensation of anxiety about work tomorrow.

I am seeing a counsellor but because of personal reasons she has had to cancel next weeks' appointment, and I was going to call support line but there's no one there until Monday night, so I am feeling a bit like a safety net has been pulled from under me and don't know how to cope on my own.

Can someone please help me. I don't know what to do with myself, and I can't cope feeling like this literally every single day.

Any advice very, very much appreciated.

Thank you

Danny

[scaredykat9]

Hi Danny, sorry 2 hear u r struggling. We have a lot in common. I too have suffered a lot of family bereavement also lost my job etc. Hang in there til u can get some professional help. Be kind 2 yourself try distraction with your favourite music or a good comedy. Maybe this can help get u thru til the morning fog lifts. I suffer with diurnal variation (mornings awful) i know how easy it is 2 get bogged down & forget that it does get better.anyway remember u r never really alone, people here do understand! :bighug1:

[Danny_dingle]

scaredykat9, thank you for that :) I had never heard of diurnal variation before, I am pleased I have a name for it now.

I am slowly but surely pulling out of this, I think I need to give myself credit for how well I am doing. I have thankfully now got three days off in a row, these started yesterday and I am enjoying them so far. Still seem to have that bizarre fog of tension hanging over me though: just wish it'd go away and let me feel 'normal' for five minutes! I think there is something bothering me that I am not aware of yet. It will reveal itself eventually.

I am hopeful that this will be fixed in time. I'm just being impatient and would rather it were fixed yesterday!

Seeing my counsellor tomorrow, which I am very much looking forward to.

I hope you are getting on OK and thank you so much for your kind words of support. :)

Danny x

[starlight78]

Hi Danny, I was always the worst in the morning. I would sob uncontrollably and feel like hiding away, but exactly like you I would pick up as the day went on an feel almost back to myself by evening.
I found it helpful to write positive statements, sometimes funny ones when I was feeling better in the evening for me to read in the morning. I would also try to jump out of bed and do something physically active, leaping about like a fool! I would play Cher music really loudly in the car on the way to work and sing super loud.. Not sure why Cher, but it helped!

I found eventually the morning became better. Hang on in there lovely x

[Danny_dingle]

Hello again,

Thanks starlight, that's a lovely post, it's reassuring to know that it isn't just me. :)

It is all taking longer to get better than I'd hoped and I don't want to leave my new job as it's actually great and I know it isn't the job that's the problem, it's my current state of mind.

As a result I have decided that I am going to carry on with counselling (have been going for approx. 7 weeks again now) and have also started back on Citalopram.

Day two now, and the side effects are making me feel rather pukey, headachey and muscle achey. I am still in full time work and it has been interesting to say the least - I feel like I'm hungover all day without touching any alcohol! On the plus side I can't wait for a couple of weeks' time when I will be back on an even keel again and will have my confidence and happiness back, and can really get to grips with sorting out the core cause and really feeling completely and wholly better with the aid of the counselling and the better state of mind to really take everything in.

I still cried a lot again and wanted to drive away this morning, but now I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel it does seem to be helping.

The future's bright: the future doesn't involve crying every bloomin' day! :)

Take care everyone :hugs:

Danny xxx