Getting through this holiday USA style

[fran43]

Hi to everyone

What a time to have a holiday when I feel very depressed and over anxious. I have stopped taking Citalopram (cold turkey 20mg) and am on a new one. PA's occur regularly and get the point where I have had enough and want to end it all (I wont, it is a feeling).

We did Seaworld yesterday, lots of crowds, 40min waiting for two rides my young son wanted to go on (no pressure there then!!!). We spent six hours there and afterwards had to go to the supermarket for food. I have had an eating disorder for over 20 years and am getting bigger by the day - further PA's. Hate eating in public, think everyone is watching.

I feel I can be honest with all of you about my life and that is a good feeling when my husband, in-laws do not understand.

We are going to have a restfull (yeah right, me with itchy feet and unable to relex today). My young son gets bored so quickly and I am quick to bark!).

I have tried deep breathing (in for six seconds out for five) but it is hard. I would like a switch to turn my brain off as it never sleeps even if I do.

I have woken very early (especially today) as dreams are not restful. Meds seem to be a waste of time. I put on a brave front with hubby, my child and in-laws. Dont want to spoil their holiday. That is more important to me, certainly hubby needs it.

The humidity level hit here 75% today - unbearable. I feel heavy when walking, standing in queues for 40 to 50min, but scared of embarassing myself.

I want to go home but dread four flight transfers. Early days yes??

Take care of yourself and each other.

FranXX

[mirry]

Fran, I cant get the hang of breathing in for 4 out for 6, it just doesnt help me but last night whilst laying in bed I gave it alot of thought.

I wondered why I always felt like I was suffercating whilst in a shop que and I realised its because I breath hold, well I sort of pretend I am breathing (if that makes sence?) I breath in just a tiny amount and out just a tiny amount....then wonder why I go in to a huge panic and feel dizzy.

Also I wonder why do I do this ? I belive its a "freeze" reaction when I get a feeling of fear.

So Ive decided from now on I will make sure im breathing in deep and most of all regular.

So Fran, try analising how you breath when you panic and go from there.

take each moment as it comes and enjoy !



mirryx

[monty]

Hi,

I think you did fantastic to get on the plane there (I haven't been more than 20 miles in a car for 3 years, let alone an airplane!) and I find the return journey is always faster- so try not to worry too much. Sorry you're struggling.

You are not alone.

Lucy[8)]

[honeybee3939]

Hi Fran !

I think what you have acheived so far is amazing! You should be so proud of yourself, Aeroplane journey, standing in queues, and coping with the Humidity etc.
Although you have found it hard, you should give yourself a pat on the back !
You have done more than i have done in 8 years !!

Well Done !!!:D

Love

Andrea
xxx

[groovygranny]

Wow Fran! Wot an amazing person you are! :D
I'm a 'newbie' and am overawed by the community feel of this site.
I don't know if this might help, but I'll give it a shot!
Thinking 'hour-by-hour' seems to help me. View each day as a series of 'little' goals no matter how big or small they are in reality. Commend yourself (even though you may not feel like it!) after each one has passed and face the next one with determination that ,whatever the outcome, you will be victorious for even having tried.
The thought of what you have acheived already, just by going on that long flight, inspires great respect from me. This is one area which I haven't dared even to contemplate yet, but would love to as we may have an opportunity to go to South Africa for our 30th wedding ann in March next year!
Please enjoy your holiday, you deserve it!

xxx :)

'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'

[fran43]

Hiya Groovygranny, Mirry, Lucy, Andrea

Perhaps I do myself down! We are off to Universal Studios tomorrow. I had quite a lot of tears today, major PAs in shops, my sister-in-law (who is large) going in and out of shops and my trying to help her! However, she has helped me. Keep on saying sorry to hubby.

I am quite depressed today, I so miss my dad. Having to cope with my ten year old is enough. Went into shoe shop outlet, tried trainers on but eventually had a go a hubby that I did not want trainers. Got some to fit my little one. Had to have something to eat.

I was up at 4.00am this morning. Did not know what to do. I smoke, yet you have to open a door, remove a plank to get out of this house.

I really hate crowds, shops, feeling unreal and then crying outside the shops. The best thing is I dont need to see anyone again.

Sister-in-law told me her problems, amazed at what goes on behind closed doors.

I am so waiting for these new antidepressants to work and the old ones to leave! My hands shake in the morning, in fact all the time. (A few glasses of wine in the evening does help but I state to all that this is far from a good coping mechanism!

I will post tomorrow to let all my new found friends who know what I am going through, how I did tomorrow.

I will try deep breathing, I am aware that I hold my breath. For me it is easier standing or lying down to recognise this! Sometimes my muscles spasm and I cant breath deeply at all!

I miss "talking" and I am so glad there is a PC at this home.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Take care
Fran

[kate]

Fran,

I too went to Florida a few years back and I found it all very hard to deal with as well. And the flippin' humidity....[xx(]

I found the queueing and permanently looking happy to be the worst things LOL

Try not to be racing round different theme parks everyday. I just couldn't keep up with the neverending round of "fun" so a couple of days I just decided to have a day at the pool and everyone else either went off to the parks or stayed behind with me, glad of the rest!

Hope you are feeling more relaxed today, you are doing sooo well!

Kate

"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"

[polly daydream]

Hi Fran, you have done so well just getting there, well done. Try and enjoy the rest of your holiday sweet, you so deserve it.

Take care,

Polly x

[honeybee3939]

Fran!!


I am so proud of your achievments !

you are showing the anxiety you are not giving in !!!!!!!!!

Good on you fran !!!!

Try to enjoy the rest of your holiday !!!

Love

Andrea
xxxx

[fran43]

Hi to all my friends

Plans got changed and hubby, brother-in-law and son went to Kennedy Space Centre.

I had PA's all day and know at 2.00am here I am wide awake. I feel guilty waking anyone. Hubby talked about cutting holiday short but I would feel too much guilt and my son would not forgive me.

Crying a lot about my dad. I was so close to him, I miss him that it hurts. He died so suddenly.

I was there to the end when they switched off his life support on my own. I dont get on with my mum. He said someone horrible things in hospital to me such as "Fran I am your daughter, get me out of here". I went in for twenty one days to feed him before he died. I am just glad he cannot see me like this now.

At his funeral I had broken my right ankle and then New Year's Eve I tripped on top step and broke my wrist badly and needed three operations, they wired it eventually and then broke left foot. My right dominant wrist is totally deformed and it still hurts. Must go to GP when home.

My 18yr old daughter beat me from 15 upwards, and was finally permanently excluded from school for breaking a kids jaw. She stole my cards and used them. Now she is pregnant and my husband wants me to be there when she is in labour etc. At this moment making a cup of tea is hard!

This post is free thought but sometimes it helps when other NMP friends see it and perhaps understand me more.

Take care of yourselves and each other,

Fran

[fran43]

Hi to all my friends

I cant believe I have just lost my last post for some reason!.

We went to Universal Studios yesterday. It was too long a car journey, too many queues, crowds of people etc. We were there six hours plus and we lost our ten yr old. We found him yet I screamed at him for not telling us where he was going.

After another long journey home we stopped off at a supermarket. My unreal feelings/PA's increased. The lights went off due to fork lightening and I was then in the dark.

I am not able to shop or pay for things. My hubby does that. I trust my new friends now, enough to admit I am also recovering from anorexia. My sister-in-law is a rather large lady and she goes round the supermarket looking at calorie labels. (My GP does know about this issue).

Everyone started to go to bed really early last night and that brought on more panic. I hate being alone, dont know what to do as I am unable to watch TV/read magazines as my concentration span is really bad.

I woke this morning and decided to have a shower. I felt huge and then told my husband that he had lied to be, I was huge. He has always said trust in him. More tears followed.

I am currently in my USA holiday home alone with my son. The rest of the 'adults' have gone clothes/food shopping. I felt yesterday was enough. (My son did not want to go to the shops, cant say I blame him).

I did say to my husband about my unreal feelings and depression and he said it was probably psychological rather than physical. All I could say was that I believed NMP friends more, as most seem to suffer very similar symptoms.

The heat is unbearable here (93 degrees). I am so restless, did ironing this morning but I do not know what to do with myself for the remainder of the day. Having my concentration back would be great but I guess that goes with severe anxiety.

I emailed my daughter this morning. Despite being 18 yrs old, because she is 18wks pregnant our insurance would not cover her, as she has had two misscarriages before.

Not sure what we are doing tomorrow but I will look at posts later on. Right now I feel like screaming. I know I ought to be taking a minute or day at a time but that is so hard. I dont want to frighten my son, I care for him so much. My hubby and in-laws say how fast time goes. To me a minute feels like an hour.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

FranX

[darkangel]

god fran i am exhausted just reading your posts!!

what about taking a day out from all the buzz and recharge your batteries. Have you got a pool you could maybe lie at or go for a quiet walk or something.

Try and slow down a little bit and enjoy your holiday - it sounds like you have a lot on at the moment and you are dealing with it but please dont burn yourself out - especailly in that humidity!

take care

darkangel

........life is for living not just for surviving

[fran43]

Hiya DarkAngel

Thanks for replying ASAP. I am trying so hard, to please hubby etc. There is a pool here and I intend to take my son swimming in 20mins from now (13.50 USA time).

No doubt my hubby and in-laws will be home soon from their shopping expedition.

I believe I ought to be "normal" by now, but hate that definition (if you know what I mean).

Life seems far too fast yet if I do not do things I start to think more! It becomes a cycle of think, panic, panic, think, panic etc. Wish I could switch my brain off for a while!

Take care of yourself.

Fran XXX

[darkangel]

hi fran

i am glad you are taking time out to swim. I had friends take my daughter to florida 2 yrs ago with them cos I knew I wouldnt cope there and they have no anxiety and they were exhausted!!


it would be lovely to switch our brains off and turn them back on and hey all the negative thoughts gone.

Can I add one more thing - your are already pleasing your family just being there - that is all you have to do. Please take care and enjoy your swim

Enjoy enjoy enjoy
Darkangel x


........life is for living not just for surviving

[fran43]

Hiya to all my friends

Today has been unbearable. I hate alligators, crocs, snakes etc. I knew hubby wanted to go and see these so I agreed.

The morning started off with an hour's car journey. "Boggy Creek" involved going on an air boat and then they stopped the boat to see the "gators". Hated it. Then we went to a restaurant and I find ordering food very difficult. I am unable to deal with crowds still, even going to the "salad bar" was unbearable ie what to have,as I am not used to (a) food and (b) the USA style of food.

Afterwards I said I wanted to go back home, but I knew my son would play up and give stick so I agreed to go to Gatorland.

That to me was boring, frightening and gave me no joy. I am afraid of snakes etc. It is so, so hot. Hotter than six years ago.

We saw a couple of shows. My husband booked a group ticket to feed the alligators. Totally bottled out after feeding one, so I let my son use my second go at feeding the alligators. People were watching and one person said they liked "pink trainers" (which I was wearing). I was petrified.

Another hour in the car back home. Hubby and my sister-in-law went food shopping.

It is a "rest day" tomorrow, so I will be online quite a bit!

I will email my daughter later to see how she is doing back home. I only wish I could stop this unreal feeling and feeling depressed and anxious.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Fran X

[panicdiva]

fran43,

Hi just read your posts!!! I know exactly what it is like over there. I just came back 3 wks ago. The crowds & heat & the constant driving on the I4 is very hard going for people with panic & anxiety. I worried for months before I went, mainly because I find flying so hard too.

All I can say is, you are there, you are doing it! So, as hard as it is, as draining as it is, you are doing it!!!! Please, please, stop for just one minute & let this sink in, YOU ARE DOING IT!!! Ease up on yourself, just a little because you should be proud of yourself. Why? Because despite the horrendous fears & anxiety you have, you are facing them. At least give yourself that credit. Your family are there enjoying themselves too because you are facing your fears. So, be proud of that. I am proud of you, because I know how difficult it can be.

As hard as I found it though, I have good memories, & so will you. Enjoy your rest day - you certainly deserve it.

[fran43]

Hiya Panic Diva

My rest day was far from peaceful. Had to do washing, ironing, hoovering etc but at least my husband got a Chinese take away. Just waiting for the dishwasher to finish!

I ought to be proud of my achievements, I ought to praise myself but for some reason I cant.

A day of Islands of Adventure fills me with dread. My in-laws are not coming with us so the responsibility seems overwhelming.

I will dress in a bright colour (as will our son) so if I go missing then I will be found! I hate responsibility right at this moment. I know it will be a long day - oh how I would love to be ten years old with no worries etc!

I will eventually get him to sleep at 10.30pm (USA time, GMT 2.30am). I so want to sleep tonight. Has anyone found a good night's sleep makes you feel worse in the morning? It confuses me big time.

Take good care of yourself and each other.

Love Fran

[fran43]

Could have done without today.[?]

Back to Universal and Islands of Adventure. Went on a roller coaster, Jurrasic Park twice, a log water ride (the queue was 65 mins and boy was I having a major panic attack. I couldnt get out, I dont want people to look at me, nor disappoint hubby or son. Did Spiderman, Dr Death's free fall and queued yet again for another roller coaster.

It is fun once I am on them, but as soon as I get off the panic signs etc unreal, tight chest are back. My son likes to run off which causes further anxiety. He gets something in his head and just goes.

We spent nearly six hours there and a further 45 min drive.

My son now is constantly wanting to play cards, swim and to be honest I am spent. I had two hours sleep and feel irritable with my hubby, child and with myself.

I think for now that is it as I feel like screaming.

Take good care of yourself and each other.

Fran

[Southern_Belle]

Hi Fran,

I just moved from Florida and lived most of my life there and yes the humidity is a killer. I have also lived right there at the Cape where you visited and have visited all the sites you are seeing now. I think you are doing a great job going along for the sake of your son and family when dealing with your issues. Is it possible for your other family members to help out more with your son? If so, that might take some of the stress off of you. I think you panic once off the rides because the anxiety is so high before you get on them and lets face it they can be quite thrilling by themself. I hope the rest of your holiday goes better and you end of having happy memories. The best time to visit is in November, I know school is in session but the weather is cool and the lines are not as long.

Bel

"Our thoughts are our reality"

[fran43]

Hiya to all

I so feel like screaming:(. Theme parks, rest days (that aren't restful at all, as I cant sit still as I think way too much).

I so want to return to what was relatively a safe haven called UK home. I can honestly say panic attacks occur at parks etc, restaurants (as I am in recovery from anorexia) and depression because everything seems too much and then feel everyone is better off without me.

My eighteen year old daughter is now 20 weeks pregnant. Our home in the UK is not big enough to house her and a baby.

The one mistake I have made with our kids is doing everything for them and therefore my daughter, in particular, relies on me for everything. If there ever was a good time for her to become pregnant it is not now!

I am trying to teach my young son (10yrs) that he needs to be responsible for some things ie laying the table, picking up dirty clothes, rubbish. Am I asking too much? He calls his dad stupid, idiot and that makes me angry. I have tried to explain to him that you only get one Dad. He then relates to some of his friends and tells me they have numerous dads! (In his eyes I guess he sees different than I do).

My in-laws go back to the UK on Thursday. I will miss them both. I am scared I will crack up (or that my husband will crack up) and then I alone, would be useless. Especially as I know this holiday would not have been possible without my hubby and his sister.

Hubby, myself and child are off yet again to Universal tomorrow and I so don't want to go but feel I have to. It seems unfair not to go and leave him to cope with our son and have a good time himself.

We are eating out tonight which is another PA situation. There is far too much choice and my mind goes crazy trying to pick something then wondering what others around me think!!

Anyway, enough of venting! I hope you are all ok (relatively speaking!).

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Fran XX