Mum very ill

[Goldfinch]

My 88-year-old mum is very ill in hospital. She has been in a nursing home for a year after suffering from anxiety, depression and confusion for some time (I know where I get my tendency to anxiety from!). She has been reluctant to eat or drink for ages and says there is nothing to look forward to. She was admitted to hospital with a septic urinary tract infection, dehydration and sky-high blood sodium level and is very frail. The staff say they will try one more antibiotic in an attempt to treat the infection and get her kidneys working again but if this is not successful they will not do anything else medically, but just make her comfortable.
The other night I spent an hour with her and we held hands and told each other how much we loved each other. I feel I don't know what to wish for. If she recovers it will probably just be for a few more years without much quality of life. I am also feeling very guilty because it's hard not to think of how much an inheritance would help me if it didn't all have to disappear into care home fees; I would be able to buy a flat and have some security for myself and the children. But I'm also very sad and the anxiety about everything else is hard to deal with as well. I've just started my second week of 10 mg Cipralex after a month or two on 5 mg and still feeling shaky. I can't see anything good in the future, just more problems. I am keeping up with work and looking after the house and children, just about, but have no energy for anything else. I just wanted to offload!

[BobbyDog]

I can completely empathise with your situation. I was carer for my grandmother for 1 1/2 years before she passed away. She brought me up and I loved her dearly. She was in and out of hospital constantly, I was rushing backwards and forwards in taxi's and ambulance. While trying to look after my son and myself.

Don't beat yourself up about the negative thoughts you are having, anyone going through trauma in the way you are would ask themselves all the same questions. Having anxiety makes us ruminate and feel guilty at the best of times, when there really is no need, under pressure those feelings multiply and become out of control.

You are only a couple of weeks into your medication and that in its self will take its toll.

When someone is so ill and their quality of life is practically non existent, it is not surprising that you have mixed feelings about what is best for her future.

[flossie]

The way you are feeling and the confused thought patterns are completely understandable at the moment. This is one of the most difficult times that you will have to cope with. Accept that everything is up in the air and that you need to deal with one day at a time and with each new situation as it arises.
Don't feel guilty about some of the thoughts you are having. That is just the practical side of your brain at work, you are planning for the future and the welfare of your family. Unfortunately the decisions for your Mums care are no longer in your hands but those of your children are. This is why you are thinking this way and that is the way it should be.
Sending you my thoughts at what I know is a very difficult time.

[Goldfinch]

Thank you both for your understanding. We should get more information from the hospital this evening and hopefully clarify the situation a bit more.
I found out this morning that during my tooth extraction a few weeks ago the bone actually broke and has not gone back into its proper position - that is why my temporary (I hope!) plate is still uncomfortable. This needs to be sorted out now. Isn't it always the way that just when you have enough to cope with, something else comes along.

[Serenitie]

Hi Goldfinch,

Your thoughts and feelings are completely natural. Please do not feel bad. I too have cared for elderly relatives and as much as you want to hold on to them, you also wish for them a quality of life that they deserve and enjoy and not just an existence.

I hope that this evening brings positive news. You have been through so much and have had so much to juggle and are doing amazingly well. Be kind to yourself and take time to care for yourself too. You are in my thoughts :hugs:

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Goldfinch I'm so very sorry about your dear Mum's illness. My Dad had renal failure last year as he had kidney cancer. It is only natural to think about what might have been or what you could have had. Illness and death bring up these feelings.Guilt does not play a part in this. Try to look after no 1- you as you will need extra support in the coming days. If you have someone close in the family to talk to then that would be good too. I didn't get much of a diagnosis from the hospital when my Dad was ill and my Dad did not know the full extent of his illness. The hospital were brilliant when the inevitable happened. Take care and keep talking. EJ