WhiteNoise
18-09-12, 15:05
Hey
This year I suffered from depression, because life is becoming too hard for me even though I'm just 20 and I don't even have 'real' problems. All the problems I have are problems the most people deal with easily, I guess.
I've always been anxious, or at least since I was 5 or 6, my oldest memory of me being scared in a fairly safe situation - My swimming teacher considered me good enough to swim in a deeper swimming pool, where I cried and panicked and afterwards, I never liked swimming again. It even gradually became a phobia when I was 13 and as of now, I haven't swum for 6 years.
I was a 'problem child', actually just a very scared child, whenever I had PE class. This started when I was 7-8 and also never stopped. When I was 15 it had gotten so bad, I started hyperventilating whenever a PE teacher would push me to do something I was afraid of.
I've also been having concentration problems since elementary school so I'm thinking I've always been so anxious I had concentration problems, or anxiety as a symptom of ADD (I know I can't self diagnose, but I'm just speculating and I'm seeing a psychologist right now so I'll have the right answers soon anyway, I hope).
When I was 13, I started having a very low self-esteem (which is normal for that age), but my problem is it hasn't become better ever since... Because of my anxiety in PE and concentration problems in class, my classmates started to tease me (and teachers started to hate me), which made my self-esteem worse and that's when I had my first depression and even started self harming. I also had to talk with school psychologists because I was at risk for developing an eating disorder. Luckily, it passed within a year and that's when I had a better period for about one or two years. I made a bunch of new friends (still don't understand why the 'cool kids' would like a dork like me, but okay), studied art, and everything was okay again.
But I felt there was something wrong with me, something like Add, Adhd, autism, a personality or anxiety disorder... I'm still convinced there is something wrong with me and that I need therapy or even medications to cope with life.
When I graduated from high school and started college everything went wrong... It felt like I couldn't deal with the change, a new school in a big city, living by myself during the week. I quit (for 1 year) because there was a new problem coming up: being afraid in (some) social situations. I'm fine with going to small parties or pubs (it's okay but I don't enjoy it as much as other people my age, because of my self-esteem, I'm convinced people focus on my flaws and think I'm awkward... And that's why I drink too much when I go out). So I didn't understand why I suddenly got afraid of going to class (I know my classmates liked me, but they might judge me for skipping so many classes). I felt like a total failure and had an even worse depression than the first time. I became afraid of getting out of my dorm room when there were other people in the hallway, taking certain routes in the city on certain hours out of fear of meeting someone I've had classes with.
Then I didn't go to the city anymore during the week and stayed home, mostly in my bedroom, only seeing 2 of my friends once in a while. Curtains closed, door closed, lights out, preferably sitting in a corner, just with my laptop, repeating episodes of my favorite series. Going out of my bedroom didn't feel safe anymore. My best friend helped me and I started to have a normal life again (even though I didn't go to school or have a job that year). A few weeks later I started meeting up with my old friends again, and everything went better.
I'm also afraid of spiders and wasps (even though those are mild fears in comparison to my other fears), driving (I can't deal with the stress of having to multitask and concentrate all the time, with the risk of having an accident), I'm still a little bit socially withdrawn (which WILL be a problem when I go back to school, I think I might stutter or even pass out doing presentations) and I have been having this constant feeling of stress thinking about going back to school + I have performance anxiety (which is really annoying, because I want to go to college). For the past 8 months I was also scared of visiting the doctor (because what if he'd say I have cancer?). This morning I got over that fear and guess what, I don't have cancer! I think I might even forget a lot of my fears, but I think you get the point. It has taken over my life. And I only see my psychologist once in every two weeks which isn't enough, I don't feel like it's helping me at all. What should I do??
This year I suffered from depression, because life is becoming too hard for me even though I'm just 20 and I don't even have 'real' problems. All the problems I have are problems the most people deal with easily, I guess.
I've always been anxious, or at least since I was 5 or 6, my oldest memory of me being scared in a fairly safe situation - My swimming teacher considered me good enough to swim in a deeper swimming pool, where I cried and panicked and afterwards, I never liked swimming again. It even gradually became a phobia when I was 13 and as of now, I haven't swum for 6 years.
I was a 'problem child', actually just a very scared child, whenever I had PE class. This started when I was 7-8 and also never stopped. When I was 15 it had gotten so bad, I started hyperventilating whenever a PE teacher would push me to do something I was afraid of.
I've also been having concentration problems since elementary school so I'm thinking I've always been so anxious I had concentration problems, or anxiety as a symptom of ADD (I know I can't self diagnose, but I'm just speculating and I'm seeing a psychologist right now so I'll have the right answers soon anyway, I hope).
When I was 13, I started having a very low self-esteem (which is normal for that age), but my problem is it hasn't become better ever since... Because of my anxiety in PE and concentration problems in class, my classmates started to tease me (and teachers started to hate me), which made my self-esteem worse and that's when I had my first depression and even started self harming. I also had to talk with school psychologists because I was at risk for developing an eating disorder. Luckily, it passed within a year and that's when I had a better period for about one or two years. I made a bunch of new friends (still don't understand why the 'cool kids' would like a dork like me, but okay), studied art, and everything was okay again.
But I felt there was something wrong with me, something like Add, Adhd, autism, a personality or anxiety disorder... I'm still convinced there is something wrong with me and that I need therapy or even medications to cope with life.
When I graduated from high school and started college everything went wrong... It felt like I couldn't deal with the change, a new school in a big city, living by myself during the week. I quit (for 1 year) because there was a new problem coming up: being afraid in (some) social situations. I'm fine with going to small parties or pubs (it's okay but I don't enjoy it as much as other people my age, because of my self-esteem, I'm convinced people focus on my flaws and think I'm awkward... And that's why I drink too much when I go out). So I didn't understand why I suddenly got afraid of going to class (I know my classmates liked me, but they might judge me for skipping so many classes). I felt like a total failure and had an even worse depression than the first time. I became afraid of getting out of my dorm room when there were other people in the hallway, taking certain routes in the city on certain hours out of fear of meeting someone I've had classes with.
Then I didn't go to the city anymore during the week and stayed home, mostly in my bedroom, only seeing 2 of my friends once in a while. Curtains closed, door closed, lights out, preferably sitting in a corner, just with my laptop, repeating episodes of my favorite series. Going out of my bedroom didn't feel safe anymore. My best friend helped me and I started to have a normal life again (even though I didn't go to school or have a job that year). A few weeks later I started meeting up with my old friends again, and everything went better.
I'm also afraid of spiders and wasps (even though those are mild fears in comparison to my other fears), driving (I can't deal with the stress of having to multitask and concentrate all the time, with the risk of having an accident), I'm still a little bit socially withdrawn (which WILL be a problem when I go back to school, I think I might stutter or even pass out doing presentations) and I have been having this constant feeling of stress thinking about going back to school + I have performance anxiety (which is really annoying, because I want to go to college). For the past 8 months I was also scared of visiting the doctor (because what if he'd say I have cancer?). This morning I got over that fear and guess what, I don't have cancer! I think I might even forget a lot of my fears, but I think you get the point. It has taken over my life. And I only see my psychologist once in every two weeks which isn't enough, I don't feel like it's helping me at all. What should I do??