cty
22-09-12, 02:19
I have been feeling really bizarre lately. I guess I never used to get panic attacks but always had depression, anxiety, and hypomania. The combination of these 3 I imagine can be the breeding ground for a future anxiety or panic attack. It all started this year when I was so stressed out I was getting sick a lot. I started getting this stifling, i'm going to be sick, or i fear i'm going to be sick feeling. in very settle, small forms. then, life happened and all these traumatic events kept popping up one after the other. i had a mental break down. then, things were ok or started to look up. that's when i started getting food paranoia because i was getting sick a lot from having diarrhea, to feeling achy, to all this stuff. i took on a job where i was constantly reminded of what it was like when i was a kid. which is pretty heavy because i remember being sick a lot as a kid with the worst stomach pains. any time i get anxiety, it hits my stomach and then i feel queasy, lightheaded, like my upper back and head sets on fire, and then it's all over. I become like tumbling bricks. I have to always maintain my composure though..most times when it happens, i'm at a social event or something social where i feel stuck, stifled, or closed in. i don't like going to restaurants anymore. i also have this fear of vomiting. i find that my illness has completely humbled me to the piont where i am a better person now than i was when i was "normal" and can just trave lthe world, do and be anything, and not be afraid. i guess people and things change. what's worse: being "normal" and being able to do anything but still ungrateful, insecure, and ignorant in some ways or being ill having to fight every day but be enlightened. not sure. when i first got on medication, and i used to scoff at panic attacks and medication, and trust me, this journey has been a humbling one..i started taking xanax. and i used to just take it when needed. now i have to take it every day. i tried to withdraw slowly from it today and went a day and a half without taking it. i employed every relaxation, breathing, acceptance, and letting go meditation self-help exercise in the book. finally i almost exploded soi had to take one. at times, i feel so weak, so vulnerable, and so fragile. i feel like i have spent my whole life serving others, beign a perfectionist, and trying to always be the strong one. and i used to succeed at that. now, after all the life traumas, i'm breaking down. i'm learning that it's ok to be weak, to be fragile, to be broken. in its beauty, splendor, and pain. every day is a fight. i wake up with anxiety and it gets progressively worse trying to run out of the house to get to work in time so i can be a good Social Worker. Then at night it's the worse if i don't take my medicine and get the shakes, nightmares, or the jolts.
sigh. i just hate feeling so alone. you know, that feeling when you're with a room full of people and no one understands. that feeling is the worst. it makes you feel like an alien. and i'm trying to succumb to the fact that hey, i am not perfect. we as humans are frail and i have to accept that. just need a strong support system. i made it past another week at work and am home in bed now because i had a bad episode again. but i survived. my biggest fear is vomiting and then having to go the hospital and then having to dael with all that.
I have these breathing exercises , acupressuer, and trying to accept the energies within my body, and observe, label, let go, and move on but those techniques can only get you so far.... sigh.... one day at a time.
---------- Post added at 17:19 ---------- Previous post was at 17:17 ----------
I forgot to mention that I have gotten numerous blood and urine tests and they came out fine. thank GOD. my doctor says I have irritable bowel syndrome and need a system to manage my anxiety. i really wish they would just take an ultrasound or the least invasive way of examining my stomach, but the doctor touched around and said things look fine. i have a hard time eating when i'm anxious as well. i need to be happy to really eat and that's been hard when i don't have best friend or a boyfriend. so i relaly haev ot put myself out there, which is hard in silicon valley. i guess i'm just decompressing from a rough year and also mourning a lot of stuff from the past.
sigh. i just hate feeling so alone. you know, that feeling when you're with a room full of people and no one understands. that feeling is the worst. it makes you feel like an alien. and i'm trying to succumb to the fact that hey, i am not perfect. we as humans are frail and i have to accept that. just need a strong support system. i made it past another week at work and am home in bed now because i had a bad episode again. but i survived. my biggest fear is vomiting and then having to go the hospital and then having to dael with all that.
I have these breathing exercises , acupressuer, and trying to accept the energies within my body, and observe, label, let go, and move on but those techniques can only get you so far.... sigh.... one day at a time.
---------- Post added at 17:19 ---------- Previous post was at 17:17 ----------
I forgot to mention that I have gotten numerous blood and urine tests and they came out fine. thank GOD. my doctor says I have irritable bowel syndrome and need a system to manage my anxiety. i really wish they would just take an ultrasound or the least invasive way of examining my stomach, but the doctor touched around and said things look fine. i have a hard time eating when i'm anxious as well. i need to be happy to really eat and that's been hard when i don't have best friend or a boyfriend. so i relaly haev ot put myself out there, which is hard in silicon valley. i guess i'm just decompressing from a rough year and also mourning a lot of stuff from the past.