How do you break the cycle?!

[CuriousCat]

Hi NMP users.

I'm fairly new here and I think this is my first thread. I wanted to share with you all tonight an anxiety that affects me on a daily basis and it practically ruling my life. I'll keep this as brief as possible and I hope some of you are able to relate and possibly give me some advice.

Brief background info;

I was always a 'shy' child, I hated talking to people I didn't know very well and I was happier playing alone than with other children. As I grew older, my confidence grew too and as I entered secondary school I was already confident enough to be making new friends and going out with them after school. Unfortunately, before this confidence could truly develop I was bullied severely. The bullying became a part of my daily life and lasted for the best part of 5 years. Without going into detail, the events that followed were very traumatic and lead me to a point of having to effectively start again in life.

Fast forward several years to the present, I struggle now with the long-term effects of those events, but it's fair to say that I have much better life than I did back then. The anxiety I suffer with now is the worst of it all, I feel that it is a huge obstacle in my life. It stops me leaving the house, it stops me communicating with people and ultimately gets me down.

This past summer I have spent mostly in my bedroom, playing boring video games, drinking copious amounts of tea and coffee, not eating properly and smoking twice as many cigarettes a day as usual. Almost every day I have wished to get out of the house, I've told myself I'll just go for a walk round the block, but I can get as far as putting my coat and shoes on before panic hits and I give up.

I have been able to get out when I've been with family, if I've needed to buy cigarettes, I've asked my sister or mum/dad to come with me. I feel pathetic needing their support for such a simple errand and very jealous of the many people around me who don't even think twice about such things.

I'm at a point now where I can see just how much this is all affecting me, I need to break the cycle of anxiety and (I think) depression. The fear of being around other people is, in my opinion, irrational. I can't give a good, logical reason for the fear I feel when faced with the situation, it is simply a very powerful feeling of fear.

I am tempted to go down the route of medication, I'm already on pills for other reasons and although it's not ideal, I'm wondering if it might curb the anxiety enough to help me take the first steps of facing it all. At the moment, it's all too easy to sit at home in my bedroom withering away, much easier at least than facing my fears.

I don't know, I feel like I'm in an overwhelming situation, years and years of bullying followed by years and years of living like this. I know it will never change over night, but I sometimes struggle to imagine myself living any other way. :weep:

Anyway, I'll leave it there now, I've already managed to turn this into an essay! :ohmy: I thank anyone who has read all of this and of course anyone who can offer me any advice/support. It feels good to have written all of that down in a place where I feel people can truly relate.

Thank you!

:blush:

[Chrissy88]

Hi CuriousCat,
I can relate to every single thing you've mentioned. I was also an extremely shy child and it was made worse by bullying and put downs by other kids at school and family members. After escaping the nightmare that was High School I was in the same position that you're in now, hardly ever leaving the house and when I did I had to have someone with me in order to feel less anxious. Fast forward to now and although I still struggle everyday in some way or another, i'm alot better, I still need someone with me when I leave the house but i'm getting out a lot more. Do you have any mental health support programs in your area? It is definitely worth looking into. What has helped me a great deal is my support worker who visits me every week or so and gets me out of the house to go different places, usually just grabbing some lunch and sitting in a quiet area of a park somewhere. She has been great and has even gotten me to the point where I am going to start doing some volunteer work in a couple of weeks, which i never thought I would be able to do. Hang in there, it is possible to get out of this mess, although you'll probably never be truly 'cured' so to speak, you'll live a much more fulfilling and enjoyable life. Like I said earlier, your best bet would be to have a supportive friend or family member help you to to look into some counselling or support programs for those in our position, they can even accompany you on your first few appointments to help you feel more at ease. It will take time but it is worth it in the end. Sorry for rambling on a bit, I hope that helps at least a little.

[theharvestmouse]

I can relate to this a bit, I suffer from SA, while I have managed to keep going with work I find most other things very difficult. But things can change, you will need some help and support though, you should go to see your GP and discuss the options available to you.

[BobbyDog]

I would discuss medication options with your GP, even if it is only for the short term, just to get you to a place where you feel able to move forwards with your life. My surgery offer's telephone appointments if you are unable to get there in person, you could try that.

CBT, I can understand that this would be difficult for you at the moment, but if you look on the No Panic.org website, they offer 1 to 1 mentoring or you could join a telephone recovery group, you only have to pay £12 membership which covers you for the whole year. I am on a waiting list for the latter, I have social anxiety and this is what I feel I need to work on that at the moment.

[Tessar]

"years and years of bullying" says it all to me. these people had no right to treat you that way. they are the pathetic ones, really they are. its very likely they are incredibly insecure & took it out on you. this is unforgivable.
its so hard to get it out of your system. i'm not an expert but feel your current way of living (as i'm sure you know already) is down to these things that have happened to you. unfortunately it wont change over night but i feel you already know there is a chance of something better out there for you. i wonder if you've had any therapy at all or counselling? from my own personal experience, its really hard to deal with these things alone so having help from an understanding person is very, very comforting. especially when trying to lose the labels that people have given to us.
things i keep reading on here (including those said to me by others) are comforting so stay in contact. even though i feel bad about stuff myself, its really helpful to me knowing i can actually say a few words that make someone else feel a bit better. so thank you for that :-)