Angelai
26-09-12, 10:43
Hi all, I have posted about possible causes of (my) emetophobia before (post: Emetophobia - Dreams) - just wanted to add...
The night before last I had a s**k dream again. In it, my mum had a really bad bug, and we were in the same house. She kept touching everything and getting in my personal space. Of course, I was terrified that I would catch it! It was like she was preempting where I would go/what I would touch next, then getting there just before me. Almost like she was... forcing me to be exposed?
So, when I woke up I lay there trying to analyse the dream for about half an hour. It dawned on me that maybe my mum was actually ill sometime in my childhood, and it scared me enough to block it out? I called her, told her about the dream, she told me this:
She thinks I was about 3 or 4 years old. She had friends around one evening, they had take-out (she thinks chinese). Right after eating, she took my brother and me up to bed, tucked us in. She got halfway down the stairs and suddenly got horrendous stomach cramps. She got the rest of the way down (our toilet was near the bottom of the stairs), calling out to her friends I guess. She was VERY ill (both ends, sorry!). She says I called for her, and she always used to be straight there - this time she couldn't come so there was a delay. Her friend came up to me, I must have been scared because I wanted to come downstairs. Mum suddenly noticed me stood in the toilet doorway, terrified, as she was being so ill. She held my hand, trying to reassure me that it was ok, not to be frightened, as she continue to be s**k. She can't remember what happened after, and I have absolutely NO memories of the event. I would have been so terrified, mum was all we had - there was a violent, alcoholic boyfriend living with us, but he was kind of there, kind of not.
This led me on to something else I have always realised - I can not remember my mum EVER being ill until I was 11 years old. When I was 11, mum had recently met a wonderful man, we had all moved in together, in to a new home, and we were settled. I asked mum about illness, she said she used to get terrible migraines when I was little, that used to make her very s**k, and she had very bad gynea problems that sometimes incapacitated her too. Like I said, I don't ever remember her being ill in any way. I also don't ever remember anyone else ever being s**k between the time I was myself at age 4, and again at age 10.
Could it be this simple - I was so traumatised watching my mum being ill that I blocked that, as well as any other s**k events, completely out of my mind? Could it be that I just need to go back and reassure the little me that it really is ok? Over 30 years have passed and mum is still here, it really is ok.
I'm just sharing my cranky thoughts, this emetophobia has ruined my life and I think about it all the time :weep:. I have believed for a long time that there is some warped thinking surrounding an event that I need to address, and try to put right, in order to be free.
---------- Post added at 10:43 ---------- Previous post was at 10:36 ----------
Oh, this might be relevant...
5 years ago I was supposed to be taking something round to my mum's. She called me to say she was very s**k and that I shouldn't come (she knows!) and to just put it through the letterbox. When I got to the house, I had to go in. My concern for her, suddenly, finally, overcame my phobia. She was very poorly, I had to call for a paramedic. I actually, very calmly, held her up, and held a bowl, as she trashed around in pain. She was taken off to hospital, turned out to be salmonella poisoning. They did however, send her home in a taxi at 5 the next morning! Once she was home safe, and I knew she was ok, I went home myself. I had a couple of hours sleep. When I got up, I went to the loo, and collapsed. All in slow motion. I just went down, on to my hands, then knees, then elbows, then face, completely down and on to my back. Slowly. Very wierd. Mum said it was probably shock. Was the whole event, seeing mum so ill, a bit too close to the mark for me?
The night before last I had a s**k dream again. In it, my mum had a really bad bug, and we were in the same house. She kept touching everything and getting in my personal space. Of course, I was terrified that I would catch it! It was like she was preempting where I would go/what I would touch next, then getting there just before me. Almost like she was... forcing me to be exposed?
So, when I woke up I lay there trying to analyse the dream for about half an hour. It dawned on me that maybe my mum was actually ill sometime in my childhood, and it scared me enough to block it out? I called her, told her about the dream, she told me this:
She thinks I was about 3 or 4 years old. She had friends around one evening, they had take-out (she thinks chinese). Right after eating, she took my brother and me up to bed, tucked us in. She got halfway down the stairs and suddenly got horrendous stomach cramps. She got the rest of the way down (our toilet was near the bottom of the stairs), calling out to her friends I guess. She was VERY ill (both ends, sorry!). She says I called for her, and she always used to be straight there - this time she couldn't come so there was a delay. Her friend came up to me, I must have been scared because I wanted to come downstairs. Mum suddenly noticed me stood in the toilet doorway, terrified, as she was being so ill. She held my hand, trying to reassure me that it was ok, not to be frightened, as she continue to be s**k. She can't remember what happened after, and I have absolutely NO memories of the event. I would have been so terrified, mum was all we had - there was a violent, alcoholic boyfriend living with us, but he was kind of there, kind of not.
This led me on to something else I have always realised - I can not remember my mum EVER being ill until I was 11 years old. When I was 11, mum had recently met a wonderful man, we had all moved in together, in to a new home, and we were settled. I asked mum about illness, she said she used to get terrible migraines when I was little, that used to make her very s**k, and she had very bad gynea problems that sometimes incapacitated her too. Like I said, I don't ever remember her being ill in any way. I also don't ever remember anyone else ever being s**k between the time I was myself at age 4, and again at age 10.
Could it be this simple - I was so traumatised watching my mum being ill that I blocked that, as well as any other s**k events, completely out of my mind? Could it be that I just need to go back and reassure the little me that it really is ok? Over 30 years have passed and mum is still here, it really is ok.
I'm just sharing my cranky thoughts, this emetophobia has ruined my life and I think about it all the time :weep:. I have believed for a long time that there is some warped thinking surrounding an event that I need to address, and try to put right, in order to be free.
---------- Post added at 10:43 ---------- Previous post was at 10:36 ----------
Oh, this might be relevant...
5 years ago I was supposed to be taking something round to my mum's. She called me to say she was very s**k and that I shouldn't come (she knows!) and to just put it through the letterbox. When I got to the house, I had to go in. My concern for her, suddenly, finally, overcame my phobia. She was very poorly, I had to call for a paramedic. I actually, very calmly, held her up, and held a bowl, as she trashed around in pain. She was taken off to hospital, turned out to be salmonella poisoning. They did however, send her home in a taxi at 5 the next morning! Once she was home safe, and I knew she was ok, I went home myself. I had a couple of hours sleep. When I got up, I went to the loo, and collapsed. All in slow motion. I just went down, on to my hands, then knees, then elbows, then face, completely down and on to my back. Slowly. Very wierd. Mum said it was probably shock. Was the whole event, seeing mum so ill, a bit too close to the mark for me?